Okay... Now, you can call me pathetic and kind of sad. I've finished all episodes on Youtube, which, in turn, were also all episodes that were aired, from season 1 to season 5. And I don't regret any second of wasting my time waiting for the videos to load or unstable internet connections. *Giggles.

A few days ago, I finished making two fairly simple, but nonetheless, awesome layouts, and the coding worked fine when I tried it here, but when I uploaded it all onto BlogSkins, it got all messed up and I don't know how to fix it. It should be easy to find out how, but every time I try, nothing changes and I get even more confused than before. And I don't really need to be saying all this, but who cares, right? :D

I started watching Prison Break today and I've decided, among other things, it's cool, simply because it was on TV at the right time. Which reminds me, I've been looking for this for a while now, and the first time I watched it, which was three years ago, I thought it was hilariously funny. Hahahaha. I can't remember why. Must be because there was a squirrel. And he kept saying, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Oh, my God. Something happened to my laptop. I only have two Internet Explorers open, one of them being the window I'm typing this in and the other being my search result on Youtube. There are no videos playing, and I don't have any other windows open that would cause audio to play 'cause right now, there are, I think, three voices, whispering at the same time but all of them are saying different things. It's really creepy. And I don't know where it's coming from!

Isn't this cool?

Yes, it is. Take note of Malice My Shadow; that makes it even cooler. It kind of looks like the cover for Punk-o-rama 10, but that may just be the colour scheme. But even though, suspiiiicious.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nevermind about the voices. It was a banner in the Youtube window. An advert for TalkToFrank.com that said, "Think everyone's talking to you? Maybe it's because you've been smoking too much skunk." when I rolled the cursor over it. So, that's the only reason why I bothered linking TalkToFrank, 'cause it got my attention and really freaked me out. I think it was a sign. Maybe there are drug abusers visiting Broken Smile, and maybe they need help from Frank. Hahaha. Stupid banner.

Feeling: Hungry, tired and cold
Listening to: Autumn Cannibalist by Die Mannequin

Some of you may find it pathetic and kind of sad to finish watching all the episodes of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends available on Youtube, but I'll have you know: I'm only nearly finished so HAAAAAAAH, I'm not pathetic and kind of sad.

Feeling: Incomprehensive
Listening to: The Bright Side Of Suffering by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

It's happened again, but everytime I listen to Scary Kids Scaring Kids, I fall completely in love with them and listen to all their songs over and over again because all their songs are gorgeous. Then, I listen to other bands and forget about them for a while until I come across bands like Four Letter Lie which make me want to find out how Scary Kids Scaring Kids sound again, and the process starts again. They're just awesome. I want to see them live so badly, I start whining to myself. And Tyson's voice; it sounds stupid but at the same time, amazing. I can't explain it. The lyrics mean something to me, as well. Actually everything about them is great. But I will announce to the world once again: Scary Kids Scaring Kids are fantastic.

And no, I didn't know Tyson was their vocalist's name until I looked at their MySpace a few seconds before typing his name. Hehehehehe. Yes, okay, I cheated.

I don't like this situation I'm in. What is going ooonnnnnn? :[ Why the hell am I even in this position? We shouldn't be here.

I'm losing so much blood, I'm tempted to kill all these fucking mosquitoes in a crazy rampage of fury. SLDFLWELRKHLKN. Get away, evil beasts.

The plane's getting ready to crash; I'm getting ready to crumble.

PS: This entry was a puzzle. Mix and match, everyone. Mix and match.

Feeling: Strange
Listening to: Full Tilt Boogie by Four Letter Lie

This song is good. The band's good too; they remind me so much of another band but I don't know who. It's bugging me 'cause I've been listening to them all day and no names are coming to me. It's almost as if I could say it, but I don't know how. Bloody annoying. But nonetheless, give them a listen and make me happy.

You may have noticed, but I'll remind you. I'm scared of a lot of things, from swimming in the deep part of the ocean to the future, but I get afraid more often now than ever before. I keep finding new things to be scared of. Like today, I was overcome with the realization that time is scary; it moves too fast for me, and I'm afraid I'll miss something. Or maybe it's not fear I'm feeling. Maybe I'm having totally different emotions, but I can only identify them as fear.

Yeah. Maybe I'm not such a big buffalo.

But then again, you know how they say eyes are mirrors into the soul? Did you ever think of looking so deep into someones eyes that you see nothing, just a suffocating blank darkness? I do that too often; I imagine seeing an overwhelming nothing and I imagine it to be frightening.

I'm confused.

I hate reality, and I have to stop being such a chicken.

Plus, I'm in the mood for mint ice cream with chocolate chips.

Remember?

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: Heart Beatz by the Sleeping

My friend, it hurts that you're gone.

Don't you hate those people who are great at everything they do? You try as hard as you can, but it tortures your soul to find you can't be as good as them. So, when you discover something they don't do so well with, you rejoice, simply because it's proof that they, too, have weaknesses. They may have superhuman powers, but hell, they have their flaws.

But fuck, man. I hate being okay at things. I'm not excellent at anything I attempt to do; the best I can achieve is an alright. I don't amaze people; I can't do things amazingly. I wish I could. Everytime I think I'm remotely fascinating at something, I find someone who's so much better. And It's not exactly encouraging. It's actually quite saddening, but I guess it's not as bad as being absolute crap at everything, ey?

Anyway, the point is, since I'm not splendiferous (remember this word?) at anything, it's hard to tell what career path I should take. I hate making decisions; they lead to horrible fates. But I'm guessing, so do you. And I'm also guessing the people who are good at everything have the same problem, so basically, I'm more angry at the people who are good at a specific subject, thus making it so much easier for them to specialise and I keep changing the topic, so let me start again. THE POINT ISSSS, I ENJOY DOING THINGS I'M GOOD AT. SO, I'D PROBABLY ENJOY DOING THE THINGS I'M EXCELLENT AT EVEN MORE, CAREER-WISE (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. WINK WINK. HAHAHA) SOOOO, IT'S HARD TO TELL WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO IN THE FOOTCHARR, IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO BEST.

Hahaha. That was a whole lot of confusion and capital letters.

If you can relate, I guess I'm not so pathetic. If you can't, well, I'm going to go kill myself now.

Not really, but if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

I've quoted this song before, but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve another chance to be used to express feelings. "No one ever said that life was fair, and I'm not saying that it hould be. So, knowing you are where you want to be, and I'm not comes as no surprise, but don't expect me to be happy for you, and don't smile at me and tell me things will work out for me, too. I don't want your pity. I hate your pity." - Alesana's Congratulations, I Hate You.

Hahhhhh. I miss Hamish. He left me upside down, drowning in a world too frontal for me.

Feeling: Scared
Listening to: Aside by the Weakerthans

Reality is understanding that a hello received foreshadows a goodbye to come, people leave, feelings get hurt and nobody remembers.

Or maybe it's just cynicalness.

Jumping off cliffs; breaking bones; cutting veins; taking life, just so you can, for once, be what you actually feel like:

Non-existant.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to change.
I don't need new people.
I don't need new things.
Or new places.

I don't want to grow up.

And frankly, I'm scared as hell.
About everything.

This whole 'life' thing, it's fucked up.

I can't look at it from the I'm-so-excited side of things; that side doesn't exist right now, all that's in front of me is a big black hole of nothingness. NOTHINGNESS. And it fucking scares me. :[

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk.

I'm in so much pain.

Goddamn tummyaches. :[

Feeling: Kapoof
Listening to: Counting Stars by Sugarcult

I wanna crawl out of my skin.

I just got back from watching 300, which was awesomely cool, might I add, and as soon as I walked in the house, my grandmother started talking to my mother in Hokkien. And you know how my grandmother is, don't you? Yes, she's crazy, and sometimes, the things she says makes sense 'cause it works with the things she does, and it seems very weird but let me explain.

Remember that time my grandmother stood at the side of the road, saying she was waiting for her husband to come home? Her husband who is dead? Let me refresh your memory. Yeah, well, anyway, this afternoon, she told me to clean up my mess from sleeping on the couch the night before because a doctor was coming to "do her eyes". Little did I know this was going to be the start of a very interesting day, kept entertained by some very interesting visitors my grandmother had. Later, she told my mother to take her to her friend (whose name I've forgotten)'s birthday party. And when I got home just now, she told us that the rice we had bought for her earlier was poisoned. How she knew this? Her friend (whose name I've also forgotten) told her.

She said that my mother's uncle had come, dropped off food and left to my uncle's house down the road where he had gathered with lots of other greatuncles and aunts to have dinner. She wanted my mother to take her there so she could eat as well, seeing as she hadn't eaten yet. After all, her rice was poisoned. :p More strangely, this house they're gathering at, it's empty. There's no one living there anymore. So, basically, there's a bunch of people eating in an empty house.

She also said that she had spoken with Mao Ze Dong, and that if we didn't believe her, we could call the Chinese newspaper up and ask them because she'd told a reporter about it. You know who Mao Ze Dong is, right? He was the Chinese Marxist political and military leader, Chairman of the Communist Party of China who caused the infamous Cultural Revolution which led to the torture and death of many people. You know, that guy. Who's dead. Who's been dead for the last 30 years. In fact, all these friends and relatives grandmother has seen and spoken with today are dead. And I guess it's a little scary, especially when you start thinking that maybe that's why she talks to herself so often. Wink wink.

Hahahaha. Okay. I just find it intriguing. A bunch of dead people gathering at an empty house to have dinner in the early hours of the morning. It's a little too convincing, if you know what I mean.

She did speak to some living people though. She said my cousin, who's in America, has had 6 babies from one birth, and this other relative has had 7, and all of them came to visit her. In other words, she's seen 13 babies today.

Hahah. There you go; the pieces. Now, you put the puzzle together.

But yes, 300 is a good movie; the Spartans' motives really got to me, and the way they have so much faith and hope and belief; it's nice. The soundtrack was good, too. Plenty of action and blood; beautiful. The ending had me smiling like a fool, and that kind of smile only comes when I discover something really enjoyable that doesn't drag along any other kinds of emotions like guilt or shame, just pleasure. So, I guess that's a good thing. Go watch it; you be the judge. :]

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Crimson Red by Holiday Parade

So, BGIC's over, like many things, and I didn't go to school today. Mehehehehehehe. Mehehehehehehe. MEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

I've been coughing my throat sore and I haven't eaten properly all day, which may be why I'm so hungry. Maybe. Come to think of it, I haven't been eating properly for the last four days. It can't be good.

I've also been sitting in bed with my laptop, eating chips and watching episodes of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends on Youtube. Eduardo's so cute. Hehehee. For example:

Duchess: Eduardo?
Eduardo: Ola, Duchess.
Duchess: What are you wearing?! It's hideous!
Eduardo: This is a face mask to make my skin siiiilky smooth. They say the picture tells a thousand words, I want them to be good ones.
Duchess: What's in it?
Eduardo:: Let's see... Toothpaste, potatoes, tiny pieces of rock, sand and crackers. For the exfoliating!

If you know who Eduardo is, you'd know he's a big purple monster who wears a skull buckle belt, has horns and sharp teeth and speaks in a Mexican accent. Hehehehehehehe. So cute. But of course, we mustn't forget Bloo's cuteness. :]

Speaking of cuteness, I downloaded this program called WindowBlinds from FileHippo and now my laptop is super cool.



Hahahaha. I may have exaggerated and you may have already discovered programs that do this, but let me bask in it's glory for just a moment. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Hehe. Okay. And the 'x' is glowing red because the cursor was hovering over it. Other times, it's black like the squares next to it. Ooooooooh.

Whoaaaa. I'm not hungry anymore. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I've eaten something because I haven't (I should do that soon though, I hear not eating is dangerous). Looks like we have another mystery on our hands.

Paranoia is the insect worming it's way through my subconcious thoughts. It's the larva of my self-doubt, gestating in my heart as I spiral down. And everything I touch is breaking, and it falls to the Earth in splinters, and I shiver as every splinter finds it's way underneath my skin.

I lick my wounds, trying to cleanse the infection. Rabid and diseased, reality fades away. When I push myself too far, a dream of emotional perfection has left a wounded heart trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me. It's like squeezing the trigger. It's like opening fire on everyone who's let me down; on every beautiful lie that is only fiction.

For the first time, I'm losing control and I like it. Freedom feels like the noose is gone.

Feeling: Detached
Listening to: A Streetcar Named Desire by A Thorn For Every Heart

Wow. My nose hurts.

My brother knocked me across the bridge just now. Twice. It hurt really bad at first but now it just kind of hurts without the really badly part.

Anyway, if you're involved in BGIC, and if you see a strange-looking girl who seems out-of-place and lost, going in and out of randomly chosen committee rooms with a tag that says "ISB Reporting Team: Journalist", that's me!

Sometimes, the people you see everyday, the ones that smile and never complain about how hard life is, feel more pain than you could imagine; they think about it all the time, but you never notice. The thought that this person is going through horrible times never crosses your mind. And once you figure out there's something wrong, by means of gathering information either directly or indirectly, the sadness these people had always walked around with is now clear in everything they do. It's strange because they're doing the exact same thing as before, but now you can see how their actions are dented with the fact that they're not as happy as you once thought they were; you can see it in the little things they do, the kind of smiles they give you, and the way their eyes have more meaning than is being told, begging you to understand in the most subtle of manners. The same things, and you never noticed it before.

Feeling: Irritable
Listening to: From The Bottom Of This Bottle by Crash Romeo

You know how I've been doing GarageBand reviews, right? Well, what's cool is that two of my (many) reviews have been chosen as signature reviews, if you know what I mean. :D It's hard to explain, so I won't try. What isn't so cool is that they're for songs I'm not exactly in love with.

Haha. Can you get more insatiable?

Yeah, I guess you can. Anyway, come visit me and my amazing reviews by clicking on the link placed so subtly in this sentence. Where is it? Oh, God. You lost it. Ahhhhhhhh.

[I removed this paragraph. It was going to be about scene kids and namedropping and how it annoys me. I even quoted Hot Hot Heat just to prove how right I was. Hahahaha. I thought it was mean - which it was - so I made it go poof and now I'm happy; you're happy; life's great.]

Good night, kids. It's nearly midnight and I'm not happy with this time of month. Which reminds me. Yesterday, I was getting angry at Chinese people on TV. Hahaha. I won't tell you why so I can leave you in an awkward mysterious silence.

*Pop.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: The Ocean by Mae

People instant message you on MSN at midnight going, "Hi." To which you reply in the same manner. Then they ask you the stupidest question of "Still awake?" NO FUCKING SHIT. Sorry. I'm irritable and I miss Hamish and I'm tired and I'm hungry but I can't go to sleep 'cause I'm afraid I'll have bad dreams and I'm too lazy to go get something to eat so it's basically all my fault, so I'm just angry at myself. :] Oh, oh. And when you're at school, waiting to go home, and someone comes up to you and says, "You haven't gone home yet?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. EXCUSE ME? I try my best to hold back a "Well, if I was home, I don't really think I'd be here right now, ey." Woo. That made me feel better.

If you've done any of the above to me, this isn't actually targetted at you. I'm just in a pissy mood, and I'm sure I say, "You're up late" sometimes. Just. Yeah. Okay.

The pictures of MOTA from Friday night are up here. And I'm sorry, but none of the pictures are nice. I wasn't a good photographer that night partly because I was only taking pictures to distract myself and partly because I have no skill. I mean, there is something funny about every picture. So imagine me, while I was resizing them, laughing and giggling all by myself. And if you notice, yes, there is a microphone stand taped to a stool in the middle of the 'stage'. Hahahahaha. Oh, funny. I tried my best. The rest of the bands are here.

Am I alone in this? Never a night where I can sleep myself till day. We must try figure it out, figure it out. It won't be that easy; we lost it somehow. The night becames the space that's somewhere in between what I feel and what I'm told. Sitting on the shoreline trying to figure it out, figure it out; to find out the meaning and reach it somehow. Fall around me now, like the stars that shine and brighten the way. I need you here tonight just like this night, it needs the rain. The season has changed; the wind, it blows colder now, colder now. The clouds are raised, the rain it falls harder now all around. You come over unannounced; silence broken by your voice in the dark. I need you here tonight, just like the ocean needs the waves.

Feeling: Crushed
Listening to: Trust Me, I've Been Here Before by Uptown Terminal

Click. Just because. :]

I swear I'll never let you go.

Full stops are cool.

I forgot to tell you; I've stopped judging my parents. Sure, I may be a fuckhead for even doing it in the first place, but when you're seperated physically and emotionally, and the thoughts one parent has for the other reflects the same from the other parent's point of view (and none of them positive, mind you), there's nothing to do but conclude there's no right or wrong. And what was it that Palpatine from Star Wars said in episode 3, Revenge of the Sith? "Good is only a point of view." (Actually, minus the 'only'. It just sounds better with the 'only' present)

Movies can teach you alot sometimes. They call it fiction, but is it really? There's this bit of script from a movie I can't remember the name of, but I have a strong suspicion it's from this movie about a selkie in Ipswich. There's no way of confirming that though, so I'll just tell you the lines, and why they're so cool. This guy is getting beat up by his father because he'd been doing bad things, and the son says, "Stop! This is a nightmare!" To which the father answers, "Of your own doing!" Do you get it? Do you get it? The son was complaining about the consequences of his own doings. Yeah? Gotten? It? Bottomline is, don't do something stupid if you can't handle the consequences. :]

It's hard to call someone a hypocrite when you're the most brilliant example of hypocrisy available; but you still do it. And by you, I mean me.

Can somebody teach me the difference between self-pity and realizing you have problems? :D Or is it one of those things that you'll only know how to do when the time comes?

My calf muscles hurt 'cause of jumping. 'Cause of MOTA's gig last night. (Did you see how I slyly namedroped right there? Oh, yeah, I'm smooth)

I should really say, "Happy Chinese new year," and perhaps a "Happy National day," shouldn't I? Well, I'm not going to!

Whoa, badass.

Feeling: Angry
Listening to: Waking Up With Wolves by the Black Maria

I've been spending the last two days doing music reviews at GarageBand.com so I can become famous. Hahahahaaaaa.

Yes, yes. All part of my plan to take over the world.

What's that? You want to know what happens in the reviewing process? Well, I get a pair of songs to listen to; one at a time, but I only get to find out the song and band name after I've done the review, so it's as unbiased as you can hope it to be, and the only things I can control are the outcome of the review and the choosing of the genre of the two songs. So far I've done 5 pairs having the genres of metal, acoustic, emo, emo and hard rock. Sorry? What did you say? I am super duper cool? Because I write music reviews? Why, thank you. Teehee.

MOTA played at Raziqin Studio, Jerudong Park on Sunday, playing Hole's Teenage Whore, Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit, School Sucks and SMS. I've got videos, and they'll probably be on the net in a few days, so why I mentioned them, I don't know. The audience gave them a fairly big round of applause, so all's well. I didn't watch the rest of the bands that played though, 'cause I write reviews and I'm too cool for them.

And and and aaaanndddd...
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Don't forget, kiddies, The Black Maria are the cooliest people with instruments.

Feeling: Yucky
Listening to: Lost And Found by Taking Back Sunday

I write in pencil too much. It's as if it's all I write in, and usually when I'm looking for change from pen ink, or when I'm not sure if what I'm writing is correct. But this seems like a very strange thing to talk about, so I should really stop now and never start an entry with talk of pencils ever again. Forgive me, I had a 6-hour nap earlier.

I'm sorry if I take promises too seriously, but there are three things that are never meant to be broken: toys, promises and hearts. It's hard not to believe every word you say. ♥

But I guess it doesn't matter. There are worse things going on in the world than my helplessness.

Sometimes it feels as if I'm reading the pages of someone else's life. Do you ever get that?

Maybe it's 'cause sometimes, I wish I was.

Hahahahaha.

Yay. It finally happened.

Trisera put up two new songs on Purevolume, accompanying Seketika. He's got a beautiful voice, agree with me.

Feeling: Vulnerable
Listening to: Lady Luck by the Lyndsay Diaries

:[

I'd like to hear about these things from you, not by accident and not from a source that doesn't care who the information-obtainer is. At least that way it can look like you actually want me to know, instead of just passing me off as wallpaper. I'm not wallpaper. I don't think I am, anyway; it seems too cynical to be true, which is ironic 'cause I find I'm too cynical for my own good.

Or maybe it's too hard to tell me. In that case, you do exactly what I do. Sometimes, I get scared of my emotions, so I find it better if I let them out in some indirect way, where I know there's a possibility but no certainty that the person I want to know will find out (hint: you're reading it and I just did it in the above paragraph).

To put all emotions aside because at the worst of times, there's nothing to say but that emotions are evil, I think I have an extended essay topic. Woohee.

Oh, and if we could turn back time by just a day, I'd say: Happy Valentine's day. Thank you and you, but especially you. I don't think you know what it's like seeing the moonlight hit your tears like that; to see you without your shell. I think it was, in fact, the light coming from inside my house, but I like to think it was the moonlight.

I'm wearing your heart on my wrist. Sing me the song, please; just like you wanted.

Feeling: Sore
Listening to: Moments Forever Faded by Funeral For A Friend

This is what I've been wanting to say for ages. Since I got back from New Zealand on the 27th of December, 2006 to be exact. I just... It's hard to bring up.

Awh, mannnn. I need to think of an article to go in this week's school paper by Monday. I think I should go completely random and write an article totally unrelated to Valentine's Day, like, say, global warming, 'cause I'm non-conformist and don't assess my life according to the themes you set for me. *Licks.

Unless, of course, I run out of ideas and am completely hopeless, then I guess there's nothing to do but that. :] So much for scene points and trying to be non-conformist. *Flips hair.

My legs hurt.

Feeling: So sleepy
Listening to: Don't Cry Out by Shiny Toy Guns

I've been sleepy since I woke up this morning. Hahah. I really did not want to wake up today.

You know what? People leave.

I spent more than three hours trying to make a stupid origami rose. Because they're pretty. I even looked up videos on how to make them on Youtube. I got through the first 18 steps, then it got all freaky and I didn't understand and it was driving me insane, not to mention the amount of times I replayed the videos wishing it was in slow motion. So, in a wrath of fury, I unfolded what I'd done, crumpled it up into a ball and threw it all away. All 5 pieces of paper cut into nice little squares. All of them.

But why am I spending hours and hours trying to learn origami when I have two essays (one which I suspect my teacher has forgotten about) to write, a biology practical report to finish, an extended essay topic to think about, a CAS diary to fill in, minus 40 pages of business notes to go through, one business case study to do, one article to submit, and three Malay books to read?

I don't know.
It looked fun.

I need a change of layout, but the dilemma is that all computers in the house have been formatted, thus Photoshop has been removed. And the only thing that comes close to it is ImageReady and it's hardly the same and it's on the laptop my brother uses.

Changing topic so fast you don't notice, this is an actual occurance; it happened yesterday after the school got flooded 'cause it was raining:

Bunch of people talking. Someone walks up to bunch of people and joins in conversation. Someone's friend comes and stands by him/her. Someone looks down at feet. Someone says, "Shit! Why aren't I wearing shoes?!"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. It was funny. Strange how I was the only one laughing though.

And yes, I editted the previous post because I am the queen of all things bloggy and I'm allowed to so HAH. :] *pat pat. Good night, insects.