Feeling: Tired

I should be doing work. But you know... That thing I have that doesn't let me do work when I should. Yeah. It's a pain.

It feels weird being back in Cardiff, hahaha. I'm not used to this strange environment called my room. Ewww.

My eyes burn. Like Matchbook Romance said.

Indeed. *Winks.

Oh, yeah.

What is it you people say? Happy... Christmas?

:]

And umm... Merry New Year? Is that right? Which reminds me, 2008 went by fast. Or slow. Or how time usually goes. I can't tell. Hmm.

Cool bananas.

Feeling: Shit

I meant to post in between my journeys to Stoke-on-Trent, Canterbury, Manchester and Cardiff, but somehow, my meaning did not reach actuality.

I owe you a lot, but I'm not sure in which form I should repay you.

He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. - Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

Do you understand?

Feeling: Weird
Listening to: Welcome To Chicago by Kill Hannah

I'm sorry, Funeral For A Friend. It seems fate did not wish for me to see you this evening. Perhaps in the near future. I hope in the near future. I really wanted to see you, but alas, life is cruel. I guess it just wasn't my time yet. I still love you though. The lack of my presence tonight did not change that. :] Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Welcome to Chicago, motherfucker.

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 32

That's all. :D

(a) Submit 1,200 word Introduction to Human Communication essay
(b) Submit 2,000 word Media Scholarship Research Trail

I sometimes want to talk to you, just to tell you things, but I don't. Because I feel like I don't have the right. Like I don't deserve to. And when I would love to ask for your help, I don't either. Because it seems I only talk to you when I need something, and that's not right. I don't know. I'm sorry. I just want to believe. And I'm sorry if I offend you by even doubting you in the first place, but it is hard. I have lots of questions that I can't find the answers to right now and I really want to understand. I want to be able to have faith and hope in better things. I want to be able to truly believe with all my soul that there is more to this than this. I need to find you, if you're there. I am not, at all, independent; I am flawed and I need things, and as of this moment, I think I need you.

Days remaining (a): 5
Days remaining (b): 7
Days remaining (c): 38

(a) Submit entire Skills Portfolio
(b) Submit 1,200 word Introduction to Human Communication essay
(c) Submit 2,000 word Media Scholarship Research Trail

Oh, my. The things I find myself doing to procrastinate, and when I have an important essay on "Communicating Identity" to write! Crazy!

I have been attempting to discipline myself for the past four days and it hasn't gotten me very far. In no particular order other than the order in which they come to my finger tips, I have:

1. Written an e-mail to Azmin giving a detailed report on how I made noodles with soup.
   
2. Written an e-mail to my Dad's friend about cheese.
   
3. Looked for digital cameras on eBay.
   
4. Looked for ear muffs on eBay.
   
5. Looked for gloves on eBay.
   
6. Looked for scarves on eBay.
   
7. Looked for top-up vouchers on eBay.
   
8. Looked for winter socks on eBay.
   
9. Looked for toe socks on eBay.
   
10. Looked for mascara on eBay.
    
11. Looked for cosmetics sets on eBay.
    
12. Looked for eyeliner on eBay.
    
13. Looked for pictures of Clarks shoe soles.
    
14. Refreshed various item pages on eBay to wait for the countdown.
    
15. Watched the first season's last episode of Skins on Youtube.
    
16. Fallen asleep.
    
17. Eaten Twix bars.
    
18. Eaten Milky Way bars.
    
19. Eaten a mince pie.
    
20. Eaten a little orangey thing.
    
21. Updated my diary.
    
22. Made a countdown of how many words left I have to write.
    
23. Visited blogs (many times).
    
24. Refreshed my Facebook page (many times).
    
25. Looked at pictures on Facebook.
    
26. Changed my Friendster notification settings.
    
27. Checked Explosm for updates.
    
28. Checked Striptease for updates.
    
29. Checked Pictures for Sad Children for updates.
    
30. Made a list of train ticket codes.
    
31. Made a schedule for the following day.
    
32. Refreshed my Gmail inbox page (many times).
    
33. Refreshed my Hotmail inbox page (many times).
    
34. Refreshed my Cardiff University inbox page (many times).
    
35. Checked Blackboard to see if my grades were in for Media Scholarship (many times).
    
36. Checked Blackboard for updates on the discussion board (for all modules, many times).
    
37. Checked PayPal for updates.
    
38. Done other things beyond my memory.
    
39. Made an online journal entry about how much I procrastinate just to procrastinate.

And I think that list just cost me 30 minutes of essay-writing time. Alright! Procrastination rules!

Days remaining (a): 7
Days remaining (b): 9
Days remaining (c): 40

(Indeed, I have added two more things to the countdown. Even more suspenseful!)

(All those websites better endorse me.)

(a) Submit entire Skills Portfolio
(b) Submit 1,200 word Introduction to Human Communication essay
(c) Submit 2,000 word Media Scholarship Research Trail

How about some colour to confuse everyone? I say "Hellz, yeah."

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 19

(a) Submit 2,000 word History of Mass Communication and Culture essay
(b) Submit 1,200 word Introduction to Human Communication essay

Feeling: Groovy
Listening to: Paper Airplane Dream by The Lyndsay Diaries

Apparently I've been, as you young people say, "tagged" by Sofieee.

1. Take a picture of yourself right now.
   
2. Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair... just take a picture.
   
3. Post that picture with NO editing.
   
4. Post these instructions with your picture.
   
5. Tag 5 people to do this.

I do believe I have broken the rules somehow by not taking a picture as soon as I found out I was tagged and actually just waiting for the day I looked okay enough to take a picture of. To make up for it though, I have displayed my natural happy face behind a grainy picture (which is actually a cut out of a print screen of me 1.3MP webcam-ing with Azmin), and that, surely, must count for something. :]

In terms of "tagging", I don't actually think I know five people that read this online journal I keep, so I shall be totally realistic and tag Azmin Jay, Chris Kang, Jamie Oliver, John Mayer, and I'm feeling a little sexist so, umm... Mischa Barton.

Now, I give you the essay-writing progress report of a Bachelor of Arts of Journalism, Film and Media Single Honours undergraduate (I never realised how long that could be, hahaha. Long):

15th November, 01:13: 190 words, 1,810 more to go.
15th November, 17:59: 184 words, 1,816 more to go.
15th November, 19:54: 243 words, 1,757 more to go.
15th November, 20:01: 251 words, 1,749 more to go.
15th November, 20:56: 311 words, 1,689 more to go.
15th November, 21:22: 416 words, 1,584 more to go.
16th November, 00:16: 455 words, 1,545 more to go.
16th November, 00:24: 518 words, 1,482 more to go.
16th November, 00:34: 595 words, 1,405 more to go.
16th November, 23:40: 678 words, 1,322 more to go.
17th November, 00:50: 702 words, 1,298 more to go.
18th November, 23:47: 849 words, 1,151 more to go.
19th November, 00:06: 860 words, 1,140 more to go.
19th November, 08:35: 1,089 words, 911 more to go.
19th November, 09:32: 1,154 words, 846 more to go.
19th November, 10:02: 1,216 words, 784 more to go.
19th November, 17:52: 1,321 words, 679 more to go.
19th November, 19:44: 1,340 words, 660 more to go.
19th November, 22:13: 1,386 words, 614 more to go.
19th November, 23:04: 1,428 words, 572 more to go.
20th November, 07:49: 1,485 words, 515 more to go.
20th November, 08:02: 1,498 words, 502 more to go.
20th November, 09:23: 1,559 words, 441 more to go.
21st November, 01:18: 1,564 words, 436 more to go.
21st November, 00:10: 1,659 words, 341 more to go.
21st November, 15:01: 1,743 words, 257 more to go.
21st November, 15:22: 1,786 words, 214 more to go.
21st November, 16:19: 1,952 words, 48 more to go.
21st November, 17:52: 2,033 words, -33 more to go.

If this proves anything, it's that I worked more late at night until I switched completely and did it after waking up really early in the morning. It also shows that I only have one more essay to write. Which is good news, fo' sho'. (Yeah. That was of no relevance to anything at all, but I like to see the gradual increase in number of words. It symbolises my descent into adulthood. Hahaha (Not really).)

Nonetheless, here is the countdown we all wait for everyday, I'm sure:

Days remaining (a): 5
Days remaining (b): 20

Oh, yes. The question that remains: Who wants to read my essay? It's about the Power Rangers, I'm sure you will find it wonderfully entertaining. :D Yes, that was indeed my manipulative method of advertising, and it just so happens to consist of a few fabrications of the truth, but who really cares about the truth these days anyway?

Here's the Capitalism video I made for Media Scholarship (which, might I add, is made only made up of images I got from searching with Google Images, except the title, credits and background) because I'm cool:

I call it...

Capitalism: The Never-ending Lie
(And it isn't at all cynical, in any way. :D)


And soon I shall click the "Publish Post" button which will bring me one step closer to world domination by slowly taking up all the webspace on the internet. I know, I'm so smart and sneaky, but that's why they call me Moosey (Because moose are even more cunning than foxes).

This has turned into a very long post. Even better for that plan I had (Please refer to previous paragraph).

(a) Submit 2,000 word History of Mass Communication and Culture essay
(b) Submit 1,200 word Introduction to Human Communication essay

Listening to: Walking On Sunshine by Katrina And The Waves

I don't want you back for the weekend, not back for a day. No, no, no. Baby, I just want you back, and I want you to stay. I'm walkin' on sunshineeee, woah.

It's funny because there's no sun in Cardiff right now. HAAAAAAAAAAA.

Oh, yeah. I NEED TO SLEEP.

Days remaining (a): 9
Days remaining (b): 24

(a) Submit 2,000 word History of Mass Communication and Culture essay
(b) Submit 1,200 word Introduction to Human Communication essay

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: Parker by Automatic Loveletter

It's that time again! :D

Yes! The time when I put up a countdown for some kind of event that is to take place some time in the future.

Days remaining (a): 13
Days remaining (b): 28

Notice anything different?

Why, yes! A first ever double countdown! Ommagadddd.

Looking at that countdown, I realise I should really be doing my work right now. Stupid internet. Getting me distracted and everything.

(a) Submit 2,000 word History of Mass Communication and Culture essay
(b) Submit 1,200 word Introduction to Human Communication essay

Feeling: Tired

I've been looking at Power Rangers information all day. I need a break. *Gasps for air.

Feeling: Alert

I had my Media Scholarship presentation today. The Cushion Club (that's ussssssssssss. :D) did it on Fandom: Fan communities and their creative output. I got home around 7:15PM and as soon as I did, I collapsed on the bed and fell asleep for two hours. It was very disorientating 'cause I woke up and was just so confused. Kind of like this one time I decided to sleep in the afternoon and so I woke up thinking it was 5AM when it was really 5PM. I spent a few minutes walking around the empty house, wondering where everyone had gone so early and why it was so light outside. :D

Anyway, because I have strange bodily functions, especially after I wake up dazed, now, my eyes are like this: O.O

Feeling: Squeaky
Listening to: Sympathy For The Martyr by Straylight Run

I'm sure I meant to have something wonderful to say. Until...

.

.

.

.

.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!
Shocking, yes. And very unexpected. I was just minding my own business when whoosh! I was in a strange place filled with equally strange-looking creatures. I had absolutely no recollection of how I got there, but I am now a changed person. And the moral of the story is that anything is possible. So, love your parents.

I would go into details, but I don't think you really want to know... If you know what I mean. :/ Yeah.

CHANGING TOPIC BECAUSE THE PREVIOUS ONE MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE!

My, what strange weather we're having lately. Would you like a cup of tea? :]

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Fight Song by The Appleseed Cast

I think I just needed to see Eleena 'cause now I feel better about this place and it doesn't seem so horrible. My hypothesis is that because I was dragged away from my comfort zone and dumped in a foreign land so suddenly (Though it wasn't the most sudden, it was indeed sudden), I had held in lots of bitterness and I just needed a bit of that comfort zone to make everything better. I should write a thesis on it. But anyway, because of her (Eleena), I don't enjoy microwavable dinners anymore (And it's what I've been relying on for two months). :[ Damn her and her ability to cook!

It hailed today. I first thought it was raining. Then, I thought it was just windy. Then, I looked out the window and thought it was hailing. Then, I Googled and thought it was sleeting. Now, I believe it was hailing, but I could be terribly wrong. Yes, it was a very complicated process.

So, if you couldn't take the hint, I have made my first solo train experience and survived, as well as ventured around Keele, Stoke-On-Trent, Newcastle and Alton Towers. I'd say that's quite an achievement. Go, me! :D

And now, I bid you adieu. But before I go, where are you, Azmin?

Oh! And because we're on the topic (Haha, we are so not. :D), I decided to choose Communication as my additional subject because in the little caption describing our choices, it said it would come in handy (I can't think of the exact word. And it was a really cool word! :[) to students studying Media.

So, because I'm so cool and I know you're all just dying to know, here's what my timetable's like for this term:

Monday:
11:10-13:00 | Media Scholarship | Biosciences 0.01
13:10-14:00 | Introduction to Human Communication | Psychology 1.05
16:10-17:00 | Media Scholarship | Biosciences 0.01

Tuesday:
11:10-12:00 | Introduction to Human Communication | Law 0.22
15:10-16:00 | Media Scholarship seminar | Bute 1.26

Wednesday:
11:10-13:00 | History of Mass Communication and Culture | Law 2.27

Thursday:
10:00-10:50 | History of Mass Communication and Culture seminar | Bute 1.26
15:10-16:00 | Introduction to Human Communication seminar | Optometry 1.08

The random underlined words at the end of each phrase in italics is the name of the building and the room number. The Journalism building doesn't have big enough lecture rooms so they like to move us around like robots. :D People seem to find it a bad thing, but the way I see it, I can pretend I'm a lawyer or a psychologist or an optometrist whenever I want to (You know me, always looking at the brighter side of things. I'm so optimistic. :D :D :D :D :D And smiley!).

I'm starting to cough up the yucky stuff. So, I better get my ass into bed now. *Snorts.

PS. Besides eBay, I think I'm also addicted to exclamation marks! I can't get enough of them! They just make every sentence seem so exciting!!!!!!!!!!

PPS. I forgot what I was going to say. Keep alert because I might remember and decide to update this little bit, but who knows? I'm unpredictable. Huhuhuhuuu. ;]

Feeling: Blaaaargh

Of all the things I could lose, I have now lost my voice. Thank you, Fresher's Flu, this is really a blessing.

I didn't think the next episode would be ready this soon (Please refer to previous post).

--WE WILL NOW CUT TO A SHORT BREAK FOR ADVERTISEMENTS--
Click to know how my Media Scholarship presentation is going.

--AND NOW, BACK TO YOUR PROGRAMME--

Feeling: Better

Now, I've lost a needle in my bed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

What will be next? Stay tuned to find out what happens in the following episode of Things I Lose in My Room. Oooh. Suspense.

Feeling: Bubble-gummy
Listening to: Smile In Your Sleep by Silverstein

Nobody move. I believe have lost a piece of tuna somewhere in my room, and I think I'm only going to find it when it's all smelly and gross. You'd think 'cause my room's so tiny, it'd be really hard to lose stuff. And I guess that would be true if my room wasn't so messy. :D So, I shall sift through my belongings until I find something remotely similar to a piece of tuna. Awesome.

I also think I'm strangely addicted to eBay. Help!

Happy Spatula Day!

I owe you words.

Words that will soothe your soul and help you remember why you read my words in the first place.

Words that escape and find and love and hold.

Words that are there and yet fleeting.

Words that you know from the depths of what makes you who you are that you need them.

Words that I can't give to you just yet.

Words that will have to wait.


So, like... yeah.

I think I cried her all away.

Feeling: Tickly
Listening to: Cross My Heart by The Rocket Summer

I am so anti-social, hahahahahahahahahahahaha. And that automatically makes me cool, so suck on that, bitches.

BITCHESSSSSSS.

I have a blister on the back of my foot. Who the hell gave it the right to just barge into my life and attach itself to my foot?! Jeez. A little respect, please?

Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted by that asshole of a blister? Oh, yes. I had my first lecture today, hahahahahahahahahahahaha. And that automatically makes me cooler than before. Ever feel like everything is just repetition after repetition? :]

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: The Distance From The Bottom by The Black Maria

I don't really know what to say. So, here's a list of things I should say more creatively but just lack the inspiration (Azmin).

1. I'm here.
   
2. Not there.
   
3. I miss Azmin.
   
4. Kay, I miss everyone.
   
5. I feel extremely out of place.
   
6. Wo ai wo de nan peng you.
   
7. Saya sepasang kasut.
   
8. I like cheese.
   
9. Que te pasa?
   
10. I think I'm going to drink half a carton of milk.
    
11. Now! :D
    
12. Because I took it out the kitchen into my room.
    
13. And I don't want to bring it back.
    
14. Because that means I have to walk there.
    
15. And then find a place to put it.
    
16. WAAAAAAAAH SEEEEH.

Dude.

Feeling: Sluggish
Listening to: For All We Know by Nat King Cole

It all happened too fast, and tomorrow came too soon, but I suppose I should bid my farewell. :] There it is.

And now, because I believe this is another one of those exceptionally sad songs I always write about, I'm going to post the lyrics down, just so you know what I'm talking about.

For All We Know by Nat King Cole
For all we know, we may never meet again.
Before you go, make this moment sweet again.
We won't say good night until the last minute.
I'll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it.

For all we know, this may only be a dream.
We come and go like a ripple on a stream.
So, love me tonight; tomorrow was made for some.
Tomorrow may never come, for all we know.
If you recognise it, that may be because it's the song Mr. Powell sang at the final assembly for ISB's IB class of 2006-2008, but I could be wrong.

I'll see you soon.

Days remaining: 0

So, as you could possibly know already, I'm really, really, really, really, terribly, frightfully scared.

Please, Time... Stop.

I just need a little space to breathe, and right now, you're smothering me.



But that would only be possible in a magical, upside down world where people walk around on their hands and dogs are kept in fishbowls (dogbowls?) because apparently (or so they say), life is a sadistic bitch. She moves at her own pace, and she waits for no one (Though I do hope this is a lie - a horrible myth that people made up to scare little children into going to sleep at night. I mean, that makes more sense, right?).

I also don't know what additional subjects to take for my first year at university. But that's mostly unrelated.

Days remaining: 10 (FUUUUUUUUCK)

Feeling: Sore

I forgot to mention my grandmother's latest discovery (from talking to people I, nor anyone else, can see, I assume) in the last post. This happened when I entered the kitchen one evening to find her sitting in her usual spot at the table. Extending a hand in the form of a handshake, she expressed her congratulations and continued to speak in Chinese. Too fluent (Kay, I think I've forgotten approximately all of the Mandarin I worked so hard (Not really) to learn in those eight years at Chung Hwa Middle School) and fast for me to understand, I just smiled awkwardly. So, I was relieved when she changed her language of choice to English as she asked if I was happy and informed me that I was engaged to the son of a bishop, a boy that, according to her, comes from a very good family (who also consists of her adoptive parents, and who were, apparently, standing behind me), from whom I could learn a thing or two. It seemed I kept that awkward smile on my face forever because I wanted to laugh, and I guess she noticed 'cause she said I looked embarrassed. :D She gave me advice and told me to pray everyday. Finally, she asked if my mother knew (about my engagement, hahahaha) and I shamefully answered "Yes," in an attempt to ease her soul. Then, I ran out of the kitchen.

Hehehehe. :D

Note: I am not engaged (at least, not to a bishop's son), but you are welcome to send your congratulatory messages for entertainment purposes.

Also, to the boy reading over my shoulder (;]), ai lahv yah.

Feeling: Fusty
Listening to: Yellow by Coldplay

So... How is everybody? Yeah, I feel the awkwardness, too. It's like I don't even know you anymore. :p

As long as we're catching up, let me just say that I feel like I'm not using my (very limited, constantly decreasing) time correctly. I wake up at lunch and disgust myself when I realise I could have spent those precious moments doing more worthy things. It's like I lose half my day by simply sleeping it away (Though it could have something to do with me being Supermoose and all. I mean, flying around every night, fighting crime, helping citizens in distress, forever at the beck and call of people in need can get rather tiring, but oops, you weren't supposed to know that). It's quite depressing. I guess there is such a thing as too much sleep. And I know, I know. It sounds ke-raaayy-zeee.

Kay, your turn.

"I guess we don't know what's real or unreal," she had said without meaning to. "You stare at anything long enough and suddenly it looks monstrous." - Queen Of The Damned by Anne Rice

Days remaining: 20

Like oh, my God, totally. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss.

Feeling: In need of a shower
Listening to: Miss You by Aselin Debison

At 2:23 this morning, I removed my blankets, planned on writing what will follow only to have the internet fail me, thus, resulting in it's swift delay in publication:

I am awake even though I'm really tired because I can't sleep because I keep tossing and turning and twisting beneath the bed sheets because my mind is occupied by disturbing thoughts because I am scared as hell because basically and honestly and truthfully, I don't want to grow up. And I fear that if I don't climb out of the bunk bed I use to replenish energy, and get rid of these thoughts for at least just a few hours, I may explode.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this, because despite the awful rumours, I hate being alone, and to think that that is the only way I will get through this, it is so scary.

Days remaining: 30

I would also like to add that my right ear has been blocked for about three days. It's very disturbing. Especially when I eat and the munching sound is just screaming at me.

Oh, and while I was going through those e-mails I mentioned in the previous post, I came across an e-mail saying I, as a "gothic mortal", should go to this website. I clicked on it, thinking "What the hell is this?" And then, and then, and then, I kind of screamed and went oogly-eyed as soon as I read the title of the page. :D :D But I guess you'd only understand my reaction if you read Anne Rice.

Yeaaaah.

Days remaining: 36

Feeling: Kapoot

I've been reading through old (as in very old) e-mails I should have deleted a very (as in very very) long time ago. It was painful and slightly stomach-tightening, and I can't help but feel like I was such a bitch. Like. WOWWWWWW. I'm so sorry. And ashamed of myself. And so, in tribute to those I been mean towards, in the fashion that has stuck to my very soul, I have written down words:

To whoever I have hurt due to my naivite (I could name a few, but I think you know who you are. Okay, I'll give initials. A, D, T, C, K and H),

I am on my knees and begging profusely for your forgiveness. Time has blessed me with wisdom (That wasn't the right word. I'm not wise, hahah (Well, I mean, I've grown out of most of my naivite and stupidity)), and I am now aware of how mean I was to you. Whether you forgive me or not (And I can see how you wouldn't want to even consider it), please understand I am a changed female unit and I have been unexpectedly acquainted with the disgusting habits of the much younger me. As such, I apologise if my growing up has ended in your demise. Do not hesitate to approach me to confirm I have been a bitch because I suppose I do need a few more slaps in the face to bring me back to reality.

Again, I am terribly sorry and honestly, this makes me hate the younger me even more.

With sincere apologies,
Sue-Anne

Days remaining: 37

I am scared.

Days remaining: 41

Hahahahaha. I just noticed all the dead ants lying around (Again, ant enthusiasts, I am very sorry for my uncontrollable nature).

Feeling: Hyperactive
Listening to: We Laugh Indoors by Death Cab For Cutie

I am currently using the desktop computer I have in the living room area, and since my last use of the device, it seems to have attracted the attention of some very annoying ants (If you will please refer to an early post made here, you will understand my dislike for the creatures). Their constant moving about on the desk and mouse and other things this tiny desk has managed to accumulate has driven me to squash each and every one I see. I know, this does seem very murderous and sadistic of me, but I don't have an excuse so I guess I am very murderous and sadistic. Hence, I place here open-heartedly my apologies to ant enthusiasts out there offended by my actions.

As I was saying, I was quite enjoying myself as I thumped by palm all over the designated "ant-infested" area, taking pleasure in the pain I inflicted upon these helpless animals (Another part of my plan to take over the world), when I noticed these poor things actually left behind some kind of clear fluid after having supposedly died. And may I add, it takes more than you think to kill ants with your fingers, because you're caught in between feeling bad and not wanting to get dead ant (and dead ant juice) on your hands and realising your duty to save humankind from the insanity these insects can cause, but in the end, you always end up pushing your thumb into them more than once (and than was perhaps needed) when you notice them limping to the other side of the table. I think I have killed around twenty so far, though that number is likely to steadily increase as the day progresses.

That's all I had to say. I just felt you deserved to know that ants have liquidy things that leave their bodies when squashed. But, please, children, do not try this at home. At least not without any adult supervision. Ants can be quite fiesty and thus, dangerous.

Apart from that though, here is a link to another one of those things I cannot stop creating. :D I suppose it would be right to say I am addicted. Or obsessed at least. Ooh, I have to go. I see an ant.

Feeling: Cowardly
Listening to: Do It For The Kids by Velvet Revolver

Dear Courage,

How are you? I hope you are fine. I'm sorry the conversation we last had was far from friendly. The truth is I often wonder why you abandon me so, but then I always realise it's probably and most likely me who has abandoned you. I then start to feel terribly bad for thinking you could do such a thing, and that's when I say, with what constantly seems to be newfound zealousness and enthusiasm, "Oh, man, I am such a chicken." I disgust myself. Hence, I am writing just to let you know that none of this is your fault. In fact, it's all mine. I am very sorry. I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry, and you know how angry words aren't usually true. I do hope you accept my fruit basket as an offering of truce and that you will return home soon. Take care.

Much love and apologetic begging,
Sue-Anne (the Awesome One)

P.S. Please, let's not ever part ways again.
P.P.S. I need you too much, and I swore it wouldn't come to this (Me pleading for you to come back, showing you just how weak and vulnerable I am), but it's true.

Feeling: Dirty

I was going through old files I still kept on my laptop, and I came upon this (The thing that will follow). I don't even remember writing it, but it sounds like something I'd write, and those look like my words, and I do remember a time I could think so coldly of people, and it was accompanying a poem I wrote entitled "Those Eyes". The possibilities are endless!

Your fingers were cold, and I didn’t understand what it meant. I searched for meaning in your eyes; they always told me what wasn’t said and it made me smile, but this time, something was wrong. I looked into your eyes, begging to see what I wanted to see; what I’d seen so many times before: reassurance; truth; love. Instead, I saw nothing. Just a suffocating blank darkness – nothing. And it scared me.

I couldn’t stay there any longer. I couldn’t hold your hand for another second. It felt almost frozen against the concrete ground and I was afraid I’d snap your pretty fingers off if I squeezed them any tighter. But most of all, I couldn’t stand to stare into those empty eyes one more time. I knew that if I remained in that room, I’d upset myself even more. Uncountable thoughts filled my mind; it was all just too much, so I did the only thing I could and left.

As I sat there alone in the dark, the hurt was unbearable. I thought about the happiness and sorrow we’d been through together, but it only added to my pain. I considered crying my eyes out, and wailing out in agony, but the notion of it only made me angry at the possibility of me being that weak, so I locked those thoughts up inside and pretended there was nothing there to begin with.

Oh, the layout I was working on wouldn't work properly and as lovely as the last layout was, I thought it was about time for a change. So, this suit Broken Smile is so wonderfully wearing right now is an old thing I never intended on dressing it in. Ahehehehehehehehe.

You inspire me, pretty one.

Meaning, Escaped
The hands of time grasp,
and they grasp so tight,
so tight around the throat.
The struggle beats down,
beats down,
beats down.
The soul, so sad, so sensitive,
so very fragile and cold.
it leaves the frigid body,
it escapes, it sings.
The mind collapses,
and time, it dances,
though it meant anything but harm,
no harm,
no harm.
It meant no harm.
Let's run away together and conquer the world, like we were meant to. :]

Feeling: Interrupted
Listening to: Novella by Funeral For A Friend

There isn't anything more annoying than people who have blogs but don't update them.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

I'm laughing because I'm like that. Hahahahaha. That would mean I am terribly hypocritical or shamelessly sarcastic or even so honest that I have no trouble confessing my flaws publicly. Don't you see the funniness? It's like a joke! Hahahaha.

Moving on, you may be seeing Broken Smile with a whole new, refreshing look! But only if Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox can learn to work together. Now, that's a true ordeal, but only you have the innate knowledge required to accomplish such a feat. So, what do you say? Will you do your bit for the community and save the day? Tune in tomorrow at six pee em to see how you can help, and stand a chance to win a lifetime supply of baby diapers! That's right; baby diapers! :D

Your days were golden while we bled.

Feeling: Incomplete
Listening to: Radio/Video by System Of A Down

If you only removed that shield you have around your idealistic vision of me for a while. You'd be able to tell I'm holding back feelings and thoughts by the way I exaggerate everything I say with occasional exclamation marks and the optimism I simply and carelessly distribute around your words. That's not me speaking; I don't talk like that. That's the girl who's too ashamed and a little afraid to tell you she's not what you want and maybe believe her to be.

GAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Feeling: Surprised
Listening to: Not What It Seems by Something Corporate

108 hours after most other people I know receieved their IB results, 4 and a half days after being sick of seeing the "P" for Pending on my results page, I can finally say that I have "receieved my diploma" this morning. You may want to step back a little because this is one of those times when I will most likely start laughing maniacly for various reasons I will refuse to state unless asked.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.

Okay, okay. Fiiiiine. Since you all asked so nicely, I have decided to change my frigid mind. I'm laughing because I believe I am either very lucky or smarter than I, and my teachers thought (I'd place my bet on the first one 'cause you know, it's kind of obvious (And I'm a little koo-koo, if you know what I mean)) as I have done the "unpredictable" (I don't know what's up with the quotation marks). So, anyway, back to what I was doing.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I know not everyone did as well as they expected or worked for, but the strange philosophy I live by is that everything happens for a reason, and if you didn't get what you wanted, then maybe you weren't meant to want what you wanted, and if you can't see a reason for this now, it will show itself when the time's right (It must be annoying hearing that when all you want to do is slit your wrists or evaporate into a rain cloud, but I genuinely believe things will be okay).

Feeling: Itchy
Listening to: Battle For Middle Of Earth by Air Show Disaster

They fill you up with undeserved and unrealistic expectations that always seem to end up being unfulfilled, making you wonder why you even had such strange and crazy dreams in the first place. It is, after all, simply madness to expect such things to happen, especially seeing as how far from reality they are.

They signify the horrible inevitable aging process that people in this superficial, materialistic world are bound to judge you by, and a basis with which you may see how well and how long you've survived this cold, dark world.

And I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

I hate birthdays. :p But that is so last Thursday.

(Peter Pan was supposed to take me to Neverland ages ago. I am very disappointed with him, but I guess that's only because I'm scared of this place I live in and the various creatures that live here. :[)

Feeling: Malnourished
Listening to: Love Love Love (Love Love) by As Tall As Lions

1. I just filled in a survey that was too long for me very meticulously.
   
2. With well-thought responses.
   
3. Requiring an abundant amount of typing.
   
4. And whatnot.
   
5. I was going to post it up here.
   
6. But then I changed my mind.
   
7. Instead, I come to you bearing chocolate.
   
8. And candy. :]
   
9. Invisible ones.
   
10. That don't really exist.
    
11. Because I made them up in my head.
    
12. They're very yummy.
    
13. Enjoy! :D

Feeling: Cosy
Listening to: Hush by Automatic Loveletter

This absolution is always incomplete, it's always bittersweet.

Are you familiar with the warm feeling you get on a rainy day, when you're snuggled up in the most comfortable clothes and watching the most soothing movie or reading the most understanding book, and you know you don't have anything important to do or anywhere important to go, and it's just really calming to know you can just absorb the day as it is? No worrying about miniscule things like how you will get to the mall or if you have enough money for lunch. It's kind of like a nice cosy feeling that nothing else can take away, and it makes you smile, how perfect it all is. :] That's how you make me feel.

I love you. Happy birthday (minus 48 hours)?

Feeling: Squiggly
Listening to: Lately by Stevie Wonder

Watch me as I perform my next step towards world domination at ISB on this Friday night between the hours of 7:30PM and 11PM (approximately). You will be amazed as I first distract my audience with my fairy-ness, and then swiftly yet destructively, while attracting my unsuspecting victims with my delicate innocence, I will strike. You will never know true fear and terror until Friday night. So, come one, come all, and bear witness to the greatest event of all time. :D

NOTE: No alcohol, weapons or drugs of any sort allowed on the premises.

However, in other news, I think it is somewhat ignorant to live one's life as if everything it consists of is simply routine (That took me a while to phrase correctly, and yet, I still can't help feel that it doesn't quite express what I truly mean).

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: November by Silverstein

Taking over the world sure takes up a lot of energy. But don't fear, for despite my busy, busy, busy (and hectic) schedule (which is filled to the brim with important events and meetings, by the way), I have sacrificed a few steps towards world domination to make time to inform my loyal fans about the happenings in the life of this very amazing moose (that's me, if you couldn't tell. I'm amazing. That was the hint). Sure, it may set me back months (possibly even years. Or decades), but keeping my readers and stalkers in my circle of information is more important than my dreams and life goals.

So, my minions, let me tell you of the adventures I have recently had: Yesterday, I devised the most perfect plan to take over the world. Hence, I am currently in my mother's workplace "filing", as they say. Little do the other office workers know, they are all actually indirectly aiding in my inevitable control of the business, which will bring me one step closer to controlling the country, which will also bring me one step closer to controlling the world, and perhaps even the universe if I'm lucky. NGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But other than that, I've had to maintain my disguise as an average (yet indubitably awesome) teenage girl by attending a so-called "prom" for ISB's IB class of 2006-2008 the other night where people, such as myself (I'm sorry if that confused you; I must keep in character as a "human being") dressed themselves in clothes of strange yet intriguing fashion. It seemed as if they did it as some form of entertainment, but other meaningless earthly purposes are also possible explanations. To prove such radical behaviour exists (and I understand how it can be quite unbelievable at first), I shall present to you a picture of myself in human form with these people, after this sentence is completed.


Man, I love brackets (I may be, in fact, obsessed with them, but that's a matter for another time and place).

So, like. Totally. *Giggles.

Feeling: Lonely
Listening to: Milligram Smile by From Autumn To Ashes

I'll be back on the fifth of June, okay (That doesn't mean I will update Broken Smile though, because I like to be mysterious and predictably unpredictable)? The location of my disappearing shall be left a secret, however, for it is only revealed to those worthy of the knowledge, and apparently, you are not worthy of the knowledge (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Loser).

You can thank me later. :D

On the down side, I will miss Azmin an awful fucking lot. With every rose comes a thorn, I guess. That's what they say, right? Wait. No, they don't. They don't say that. Which means I just made it up. Which means you may quote me. With proper referencing, of course.

Feeling: Interesting
Listening to: Hurt by Johnny Cash

This song's sad, and the simplicity of the music in addition to Johnny Cash's already solemn voice just makes it all the more sad.

Hurt by Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain -
the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything.
What have I become,
my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
in the end.
And you could have it all:
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
the feelings disappear.
You are someone else;
I am still right here.
What have I become,
my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
in the end.
And you could have it all:
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.
If I could start again,
a million miles away,
I would keep myself,
I would find a way.

Well. It's been a while since I felt I could go online and do time-wasting things, such as reading comics and blogs of people I don't know, without feeling like there's something more important I should be doing. So, hello, temporary freedom. I think I like you. :]

Feeling: Excited
Listening to: Alvin Maker's Greensong by The Scene Aesthetic

One of those things I talked about.

Prayer Before Birth by Louis MacNeice
I am not yet born: O hear me.
Let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or
the cub-footed ghoul come near me.

I am not yet born: console me.
I fear that the human race may with tall walls wall me,
with strong drugs dope me, with wise lies lure me,
on black racks rack me, in blood-baths roll me.

I am not yet born: provide me
With water to dandle me, grass to grow for me, tree to talk
to me, sky to sing to me, birds and a white light
in the back of my mind to guide me.

I am not yet born: forgive me
For the sins that in me the world shall commit, my words
when they speak me, my thoughts when they think me,
my treason engendered by traitors beyond me,
my life when they murder by means of me
hands, my death when they live me.

I am not yet born: rehearse me
In the parts I must play and the cues I must take when
old men lecture me, bureaucrats hector me,
mountains frown on me, lovers laugh at me, the
white waves call me to folly and the desert calls
me to doom and the beggar refuses
my gift and my children curse me.

I am not yet born: O hear me,
Let not the man who is beast or who thinks he is God
come near me.

I am not yet born: O fill me
With strength against those who would freeze my
humanity, would dragoon me into a lethal automaton,
would make me a cog in a machine, a thing with
one face, a thing, and against all those
who would dissipate my entirety, would
blow me like thistledown hither and
thither or hither and thither
like water hekd in the
hands would spill me.

Let them not make a stone and let them not spill me.
Otherwise kill me.
Which reminds me of the new countdown I've started. Mehehehe.

Days remaining: 8

P.S. I'm thinking of you, Mr. Make-Me-Happy. But you already knew that. :]

Feeling: Hopeless

As I've re-realized recently, there are a lot of sad things that could happen in one's life, each of which's encounter could bring us to tears and question the Maker's plans, but for fuck's sake. Is there really nothing left of the goodness I thought there was in humanity?

How can a person actually do this?

Click and click, but in case you don't want to because you're a rebel and all that jazz, continue:

Elisabeth Fritzl was forced to help build the dungeon where she was kept by her sadistic father Josef, it emerged yesterday. For the first nine months of her 24 years in captivity, she was also tethered with a 5ft dog leash around her neck to prevent her escape. Elisabeth, now 42, had been sexually abused by her father since the age of 11. She ran away from home at the age of 16 but was dragged back by Fritzl and locked up when he suspected she was planning to leave again.

For the first nine years, he imprisoned her in a grim 15ft by 15ft box room which had a makeshift toilet in one corner. She told police that Fritzl forced her to help drag a 600lb concrete and steel door into position to seal the dungeon. It was only when it was in place that she discovered she had helped to build her own prison.

Fritzl finally agreed to expand the cellar - again with Elisabeth's help - after she had given birth to two of his children.He forced her to dig out the chambers by hand, working for hours at a time. The process took nearly a decade. One of the new rooms was used as a punishment area and Fritzl would take his daughter there and rape her. He also used it to chastise the three of their children - Kerstin, 19, Stefan, 18, and six-year-old Felix - who lived underground with her. Their siblings Lisa, 16, Monika, 14 and 12-year-old Alexander lived a 'normal' life upstairs.

Franz Polzer, who is leading the police investigation, said: "She said that there was only one single room at first between 1984 and 1993. The dungeon was expanded as the children were getting born. There are still areas we haven't found inside the dungeon and I expect it to take at least two weeks before we have answered all the questions we need to about how Fritzl controlled the areas and imprisoned the children. Areas of the dungeon appear to have been under construction and it is possible Fritzl may have been planning to expand it even further." Austrian police said the air inside the inner chambers was so stifling they have been forced to drill holes to allow investigators to breathe.

In police interviews, Elisabeth said that at the start she had fought against the imprisonment, banging on the walls and screaming until she could no longer speak, but no one had come as the weeks turned into months, and the years into decades. She said she had eventually stopped arguing with her father who in turn had stopped beating her as frequently. Eventually she had become pregnant with Kerstin, now 19, and she had informed her father - fearing that he would be furious because he would now have to release her to go to hospital. He had reportedly replied: "Do not think you are getting away from me so easily."

Details of the birth have not been spoken about by Elisabeth but afterwards Fritzl had continued to return frequently for more sex, at least once every three days. After Kerstin there were further children, Stefan, 18, Lisa, 16 Monika, 15, Alexander, 12, whose twin brother died from neglect before he could even be given a name, and finally Felix, 6.

:[

Hence, it reminded me of something I wrote on the 20th of March when I was angry at the world and also sad at the fact of life we must live with (That assholes exist), and somehow, I could just plop it into this situation as if it were meant for it. So here it is (It wasn't meant to be a poem, but I guess thoughts can be poems too, if you want them to be).

A Commentary
It's sad.
How a person can steal another person's soul,
torture it,
stretch it to it's utmost limits and then some.
How a human being can have the will,
the indecency
to cause such pain and torment to another.
It is utterly and absolutely
horrifying.
To discover the true nature of our existance
and realize the degree of evil we can commit,
enough to cause the total damnation of one's wellbeing,
the destruction that could tear you
to pieces.
How someone can treat another
so badly,
and in a way that even they themselves would not wish upon their individual understanding of
life.
I simply cannot understand it.
Are we destined to fail?
Destined to abolish,
to eradicate
any kind of hope left in the world?
♥

Feeling: Scared
Listening to: Coffee by Copeland

I know I'm supposedly not meant to be online at the moment, but due to unforeseen circumstances that consists of me discovering a bunch of poems I have grown attached to and that I will reveal to you in due time, I join you once again on this cold, dark night, just to say hello.

Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments, love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds.
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempest and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken,
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Wihin his bending sickle's compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Hello.

Days remaining: 3

Feeling: Panicky! In the bedroom
Listening to: The Navy Song by Billy Talent

Days remaining: 8

That's a single digit! I think I am going to die soon. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Like in eight days, which is only one day more than a week. I don't know why. Hmm. *Strokes invisible beard.

But oh, well. I will try to not see you before the 22nd of May, when I supposedly come back to life.

Wish me luck, for I enter the den of the biggest lion I've ever encountered (thus far).

Feeling: Suspicious

Hi.

That's all. :]

Days remaining: 16

Feeling: Static
Listening to: Carelessness by Fair

Today was very depressing.

:[

You can only take so many tears and disappointing looks and rejected apologies before it drives you crazy.

Days remaining: 19

And everything falls apart like it's ripped at the seams.

Feeling: Weird
Listening to: Just Like Heaven by Taking Back Sunday

I just choked on a bug. :/

It didn't feel very nice.

Days remaining: 22

You're just like heaven.

Feeling: Interesting
Listening to: Memories That Fade Like Photographs by All Time Low

Have you noticed a lot of the IB past year papers have been taken off the internet? Seems to be some kind of conspiracy. Next they'll be deleting them off my computer, hahaha. What? I have no past year papers.

If you've recognized an uncommon inconsistency in updates, then you're not a frequent visitor because I've never posted consistently. So, this paragraph is just to let you know that I plan to continue with my inconsistent ways, which means I shall be consistently inconsistent (Oh, my. A paradox). But just out of curiosity, does that make me inconsistent or consistent or just annoying? :D

But in an attempt to remind me how much time I am wasting doing stupid things like this, I shall put an exam countdown in every post I make hereafter, plus this one. Not that I will make posts after this, of course. I mean, it's so close to exams. Ignoring that fact and constantly wasting the few days I have left would make me a bad student. And I would never do that. :p

Days remaining: 27

I have a biology test tomorrow. Which reminds me, I should get back to trying to prepare for that.

Oh, and the song I was going crazy over in the previous post is actually a cover by The Rocket Summer of a song by Counting Crows. So, apologies to any defensive Counting Crows or The Rocket Summer fans I may have offended with my assumptions.

Feeling: Wobbly
Listening to: High Life by The Rocket Summer

I'm serious when I say this...

Such a sexy song. And so pretty, too.

High Life by The Rocket Summer
All my friends got flowers in their eyes,
but I got none this season.
All of the last years' blooms have gone and died,
time doesn’t give a reason.
Hey, baby, do you ask yourself sometimes what you need to be forgiven?
You know that everything that you have ever done wrong
is the reason that I am driven
straight to tears.

Waiting here for you,
wanting to tell you
how I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up, too,
just the way you do.
I thought if I told you,
you might want to stay for just another day or two.

Waiting for the trains that just never come,
beginning to believe in
the disappearing nature of the people we have been.
We have begun to change into the worst kind of people;
so unkind.
Oh, apologies. No apologies. This apology,
it doesn't describe the way it feels to feel for you.

Waiting here for you,
wanting to tell you
how I find myself slowly disappearing, too,
just the way you do.
I thought if I told you,
you might want to help me to remain with you.

I just, I just, I just, I just wanna stay for a little while,
I wanna stay for a little while.
Come on, come on, come on, oh.

There's a night life that's just falling down on me,
I just feel like a change.
Beneath the sun in the summer,
a sea of flowers won't bloom without the rain,
but oh, this desert life, this high life,
here at the dying of the day.
See, I wasn't made for this scene, baby,
but I was made in this scene.
And baby, it's just my way.
I don't wanna go home alone;
I wanna come on home to you.

Waiting here for you,
wanting to tell you
how I line my skies with all the silver I can use,
just the way you do.
Thought if I told you,
you might want to stay for just another day or two.

Feeling: Annoyed
Listening to: The Other Way by Weezer

Ngaaaaaaaaah.

I can't stand it. Please stop pushing me to give up my dreams for something I'd rather not do. Fair enough, you don't do it often, but you do it every chance you get, and frankly, it's gotten to the point where I just want to scream in your face and tell you to back up a little bit. I'm hardly ever sure of what I want, so I'd just really appreciate it if you didn't take this one thing away from me.

Sad to say, but maybe it's time to realize I'm not everything that makes up that little picture of me you have in your head. Maybe one day; some time in the distant future, possibly. Just not now; not when I have the world at my fingertips, ready for me to discover and then explore; not when everything is beautiful, and I aim to use all opportune moments only for the chance to grasp beauty by the hand and embrace it as much as a I can.

I hope you understand.

And by the way, something amazing (if you noticed, I have a strange inconceivable fascination with this word, but I don't think you did) has happened. ♥

Feeling: Excited

Guess who can play the theme song for Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends (Well, most of it) on the piano? :D :D :D

Come on, guess! :D :D :D

Hehehehehehehehe.

Kay, now I'm going to leave this post abruptly without telling you the answer. I guess that makes me eeeeeevil.

Feeling: Strange
Listening to: Cat And Mouse by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Looks like I still have a bunch of weirdos reading Broken Smile.

If you came to this here website by searching for the following phrases, I hereby pronounce you actually kind of disgusting:

1. brokensmile+naked
   
2. fuck mammy in bath
   
3. granny mammy sex
   
4. palir brunei

Nooowww, do you see the grossness in all of this? But thank you, Google Analytics, for letting me know that Broken Smile attracts a range of people, weirdos included.

I love this song.

Am I supposed to be happy?

Feeling: Inspired
Listening to: Sugar Skulls by Envy On The Coast

This band is cool. As in so cool I had to mention them. Which is very quite rather cool. The kind of cool that makes you stop whatever you're doing just so you can pay their music the attention they deserve. But then, I guessss there could be the possibility that you're even cooler than me, so you won't find Envy On The Coast cool at all, in which case, whoooopsie. :]

I watched Horton Hears A Who yesterday, and it is amazingly philosophical. I kept thinking of my TOK presentation (because when I talk to myself I am smarter and way nerdier than I am in real life), and I couldn't help but feel tiny and more than awesomely intrigued. We could be living on a speck in a field of flowers in someone else's world somewhere, and it's quite disturbing to realize because we'll never actually know unless we do what they did in the movie and get everyone in the world to shout "We are here," but considering what's going on right now, and how we've gotten ourselves into some deep shit over the years, I think finding out if we are on a speck is the least of our worries. :]

So, Dr. Seuss inspired me and now I want to write a book. Or at least an essay on the matter of something I'm not going to say because I don't want to, though I suppose it has something to do with the movie. :D But as I was saying, I tried to write. There was just no way I could say what I feel about everything in words. Which is stupid because I thought that was the one thing I could do. Man, I wish I could be a philosopher and study everything that could be possibly so; find some kind of understanding about the incomprehensible, but generally accepted; find that bit in my soul that seems to be missing.

Buuuuut I guess that's only a probability if I were amazing. Which I'm not, but wish I was.

Smile.

"Why did you knock?" I asked. "Why don't you just tear my world to pieces instead?" - Blood Canticle by Anne Rice

Feeling: Tummyachey

I moved the post that was here to here. Just because it seems that's where it belongs. :]

Feeling: Lovely

in·ter·view /ˈɪntərˌvyu/
–noun

1. A formal meeting in which one or more persons question, consult, or evaluate another person.

Mine was today, and it was horrible.

So horrible that I don't want to go to that university anymore nor do I want to go to university at all. I just want to die. :] That's all.

Stupid dreams. Getting vulnerable and susceptible of being crushed like that. Pssh.

By the way, have I mentioned that for more-than-adequate reasons, I have abandoned all hope and faith in humanity and everything attached to it, from our white picket fences to our inability to connect with each other?

I had something else also very pessimistic and misanthropic to say, but I chose not to hurt your eyes too much from the damage the light from the screen causes. So, instead, I shall leave you now in a mysterious puff of purple smoke.

Feeling: Mean
Listening to: Risque by Cute Is What We Aim For

My, my. Isn't this awkward?

You know what would make it even more awkward? If I told you how sometimessssss I wish things weren't the way they are. And wow, my tenses are all messed up, but the thing in my head that helps me think is so non-existant right now that I can't even tell if it's right or wrong or just confusing.

But, hello. Take a pill.

Like I said, I wish things didn't have to be the way they are.

Oh, and I have a confession to make.

You know how at the top of most posts it tells you what I'm listening to?

Well.

Sometimes.

I'm not actually listening to music.

So.

What I type down are the songs that are playing in my head.

Hehehehehehehehe. :D

Feeling: Apathetic

I promise to write an article on cussing and why it shouldn't be considered a bad thing.

One day.

When I get around to it.

Cheese.

Feeling: Strange

I was supposed to watch a movie on Thursday, but oh, my God, there were no good movies to watch, and the only ones remotely decent were showing in the morning (Actually, I lie. I suspect Sweeny Todd is more than just remotely decent (And I know, I should have seen it already, but sadly, that would be wishful thinking), but for drama's sake, let me continue), which isn't very cool. But anyway, I went out nonetheless, and I noticed the many heart-shaped things around. And all that red and pink. And flowers. And people holding hands.

What the hell?!

It's Single Thursday, and these people have nothing better to do than remind us that we're alone and probably meant to be that way. And then I see these signs saying "Happy Valentine's Day!" as if they don't know it's Single Thursday. I mean, really... "Valentine's Day"? I'm sure they could have come up with a better lie than that. Who would be so stupid as to actually believe in this "Valentine's Day" anyway? Nice try, society. Just try harder next time, okay? Everyone knows there's no such thing as "Valentine's Day". Could have fooled me, but I'm too smart for that (Hahahaha). ;D

And so, to you I say, "Pssssssssssh."

By the way, (and I know this is well overdue) Happy Single Thursday!

This post has lots of brackets. Yayyy.

Some people would say I'm in denial, but come on. It's me. I live to not be in denial. :D :D :D :D

Feeling: Anxious
Listening to: The Behavior Explains by The Brothers Martin

I don't know if I owe anyone an apology, but if I do, there you go.

I think everyone's just waiting for February to be over, so we can move passed Single Thursday and the annoyingly looming due dates, but I think I want to curl up in a ball and hiss at anyone that comes within the five meter radius I'll have to draw in with chalk, instead of succumbing to the humanity that I've so long ago given up on. But, you know, I guess that would be kind of stupid seeing as it'd mean I fail the course. Which I don't want to happen.

Right?

Xing nian kuai le, by the way, 'cause I speak Chinese. Hahahah. Not really, but I think I do an alright job at pretending I do. And did I mention Malay class is really super boring? Well, it is.

Actually, I think I just want this whole thing to be over. :]

PS: Have you no shame?

Feeling: Discouraged

Unsuccessful.

Feeling: It's about time I went to bed
Listening to: Suffocating Under Words Of Sorrow by Bullet For My Valentine

Turns out Business class can be quite productive after all.

Sort of. :]

Weakness or Strength?
Anger.
The fiery demon that eats your soul,
sends you spiraling,
makes you want to explode,
destroying yourself and everything else,
biting at your insides,
urging you to shout.
Fight.
Scream.
Ward off whoever tries to "help",
whoever pretends to care,
giving an absolutely appropriate cause
to slide that blade cross his throat,
to lodge that screwdriver into his head,
to pull that trigger with no regret,
leaving little room for guilt,
and no reason for remorse.
Or apologies.
But me?

I'm sorry.

You know how it is.

Feeling: Really tired

I feel like running away and joining the circus.

Sometimes I wonder whether I hurt people. I'm sure I do/did, and I'm sorry; my eyes can't deal with this at the moment.

Who the hell knows if the truth exists or not anyway?

Cut off all loose ties and bleed for days. Who could stand veins with friends like these?

Listening to: Tom Sawyer by Deadsy

Man. Johnny Depp is amazing. ♥ If I could meet any celebrated actor in the world, it would be him. He's so brilliant, it makes me sad.

Feeling: Enraged
Listening to: Somewhere Down In Fullerton by Allister

You fucking asshole. :]

Excuse the vulgarity.

I know this is late, but I didn't want to be one of those hundred girls who posted on the 22nd of January all with the same message: Poor Heath. I hope you had a good life. So, I'm leaving my message to him now. Not that it really matters, 'cause it actually seems kind of silly to mourn over the death of someone you don't know, and it's not like he's going to read this, but I think I'm allowed the right to dream.

I'm sorry you had to go; you were a beautiful man and death is just something I've come to really abhor simply because it comes and takes away life just as suddenly as it was given to us.


Be free, Heath Ledger. 4th April 1979 to 22nd January 2008.
♥♥♥♥

Feeling: Grumbly
Listening to: I'm Not Pretending by Red Lipstick Letter

I'm sleepy. Nooooooo.

Well, anyway, I plan on finishing my work before it bites me in the ass. Take that IB! *Whacks IB in the head with a frying pan.

Whoever keeps calling my house number in the middle of the night, please stop. It wakes people up and it disappoints them when you just hang up as soon as we answer. I mean, it's okay if you talk a little, but you don't, so I think it may just be annoying. Thank you. :]

I keep turning my aircon on and off 'cause it gets too cold, then it gets too hot. I wonder if doing this continuously will break it.

I "played" (if I can even use that word loosely) touch rugby after school today, then had a nice shower after being all sweaty, after which I did some work while simultaneously procrastinating. It felt good. ;D

I don't even know what this is about. Night.

Oh, and I don't usually do this, but Mr. Grenadey Mongoose, I hope your wings are still working, you 18-year-old, you.

Feeling: Restless
Listening to: Anarchy Camp by NOFX

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

If you can't tell, I'm panicking.

Feeling: Frustrated
Listening to: Dirty and Left Out by The Almost

I don't necessarily want to see you crumble, but it looks like you're at that stage where no one but yourself can help you turn your life around and stop you from being a fucking prick; it's all up to you. Identify it, accept it's reality, and do something about it, 'cause it's driving me crazy seeing you slowly sink further and further into that black hole of no return. And I know, it driving my crazy is not a reason for you to take action, but hell, who's keeping track?

I want to care, but everything that has become (or has always been?) you is telling me to stop trying because you won't care and I'll just be throwing myself down a spiral of frustration.

Yet somehow, one of the voices in my head is telling me this will change nothing, and because you're just too blind to everything else happening around you that doesn't concern you directly (anymore?), you probably won't even know it's you I'm talking to.

And my brother is an asshole.

And yay for no electricity and today's exams being cancelled.

Feeling: Panicky
Listening to: Discovering The Waterfront by Silverstein

Greetings and salutations. I have a lovely plateful of important updates for every little boy and girl out there today.

1. I had dinner at 4:30PM the other day. It was weird.
   
2. Exploding lightbulbs are scary. Make sure you have a high standard of quality. It happened just now, actually. There was a loud "bang" and then the sound of glass shattering as it hits the ground. And now some of the light switches don't work and I swear it wasn't my fault. :]
   
3. I was watching TV and the video for Tokio Hotel's Ready, Set, Go! was playing, and I thought, hey, they seem pretty cool, I'll download them, and that gives me a new band with female vocals. So, I got a few of their songs, and was giggling to myself, saying how the vocals were so cute and similar to Flee The Seen's, as in it sounds like a little boy singing. I looked them up on trusty Wikipedia, and I thought it was weird there weren't any female names listed under the 'members', but I kept looking anyway. And there on the page was "Bill Kaulitz - lead vocals (b. 1 September 1989)" Hahahahahahaha. She's a guy (and I did an image search to confirm this, too, because I was in denial for a while). I feel really bad and kind of stupid, but I mean, he's pretty. And he sounds like a girl. Hahah.

But moving on, the world is in danger, flee your homes immediately and save your loved ones before they save themselves and realise they don't need you as much as they thought they did.

Oh, yeah. I'm supposed to be studying.

Stay tuned for more lovely platefuls of important updates.

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: Down And Out by The Academy Is...

Guess what?! Mock exams tomorrow! Wooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooo.

But, yes, I did change the layout. I'm glad you noticed. Hahaha, oh, stop it; it's nothing. In fact, I was going for that simple look. You're right, you're right; I liee, hahaha. I was just lazy. Oh, you're so funnyyy. *Giggles.

Haahh. Ever want to just stop how you're living and do something completely different because everything happening now is getting on your nerves and making you twitch? Me neither. Heh. Heh. Hehh. Honest. *Nods.

Why is the truth so hard to find?

Feeling: Runny nosey
Listening to: Stab My Back by The All-American Rejects

Well, that was stupid.

I didn't want to get home too late 'cause I knew I had some studying to do, so I came home at two in the afternoon. But when I got home, I spent the next three hours sleeping, which wasn't very useful; it was actually kind of very stupid. Hahahaa. I actually like having plans. I just never follow them. To me, they're more like references; something I can pretend I'm doing and perhaps to remind me of how things could have gone, had I been obedient enough.

Hehehe. Further Seems Forever's cover of N'Sync's Bye Bye Bye was just playing, and it's very cute. I love his voice.

Oh, yeah. Merry 2008; let's hope for the best. I'll say something meaningful next time.