Let's talk about death and the terrible things it can do.

For a long time, my mum's family were the happiest people alive. They had this kind of closeness that no one could break and a spirit that could make anyone smile; it would have been absurd to think that today, that same family would be scattered everywhere, lacking contact, covering up more lies than they need to and living by rules they'd sworn against previously, consequently, turning into people they didn't believe in.

See, after my grandfather's death, all connections slowly deteriorated and it became apparent that this man was the thread that held everything together so well. So, when it was cut off, everything that it once supported fell to pieces, with a thud.

But I won't dampen your mood with the actual happenings seeing as I only know the cold side of things and I fear that even that isn't close to knowing the actual truth. Instead, I'll cut the long story short by saying, "Best friends became enemies, promises were broken and hearts were betrayed." It's a painful reality because they don't need to lie to the people they're lying to, and this amount of deceit is what makes any more lies so unbearable, but I think I'm the most angry about it.

You know that thing in life that makes you question if there's anything around you that's true; anything they say that isn't a lie? This is that.

Good night. :]

PS: I typed the word 'lie' an awful lot in that one sentence of the fourth paragraph, simply because no other word can say what I mean as perfectly as that word can.

Feeling: Funny
Listening to: Tiger Lily by Matchbook Romance

I managed to finish my biology practical report yesterday, after a much prolonged delay, and today I finally read the last page of Wuthering Heights. I feel good. Now, I've only got a whole lot of other stuff to do, but it's okay 'cause I'm (dun dun dun duuuuuunnnnn) Supermoose and I have my ways of getting these things done.

These two weeks of no school have made me love the late afternoon as my favourite time of the day, 4PM being the best. Especially at home, it's really relaxing. Hahaha. Seriously, the atmosphere and the lighting at that precise time, it's gorgeous. 8PM-12AM's when I start getting uneasy and anxious 'cause I begin to feel like I'm running out of time for whatever reason it may be. And feeling anxious is horrible; drives me crazy with silly anticipation, it does.

I just realized the band that wrote one of the most meaningful songs in my life right now have split up. That song said the words before I even thought of them. Forgive me, Matchbook Romance, for never being able to see you play this song live, it would have been awesome, and I hate how things are always too late too soon.

♥♥♥♥

Feeling: Fidgetty
Listening to: Things Mean A Lot by Red House Painters

So, it's true. As of the 12th of March, 2007, Matchbook Romance have split up.

'Tis a sad day indeed.

Also announcing their 'indefinite hiatus' is the Early November.

Yes, 'tis a very sad day.

Though, I have to admit, not as sad as the day I found out Finch broke up. That was an extremely sad day.

But that shouldn't stop us from embracing what we find special.

So, Hamish, I find you special, and I shall embrace you. If you know what I mean. :]

Feeling: Crazy

Cove is still a great replacement. Green is pretty much irreplaceable but Saosin still puts on a great show. I've seen them twice so far with Cove and once with Anthony and it's still very similar. I guess it just depends on who's hair you like more or something.

Hahahahaha. Let me repeat what's so funny: I guess it just depends on who's hair you like more or something. Hahahahahaaa.

Okay, sorry. Explanation: I was marvelling at how people were so "Oh, my God, I like Anthony more than Cove. Cove like ruined Saosin like totally. Like why did Anthony like have to leave?" So I came across this. I, personally, love Cove. I also love Anthony. I also love Saosin. And I also love Hamish. Point being Cove and Anthony both have beautiful voices, and they're both pretty good vocalists.

And yes, people are still talking about it (Anthony leaving) after three years. Hahaha. Ahh, Saosin. ♥

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: The World As We Know It by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

If you didn't know already, I'm on my two-week holiday, and I've got about six days left. I was supposed to do work today because seemingly, pretending to do work is entirely different from actually doing work. Instead, I ate, lay in bed, visited random websites, gained useless information, and channel-flicked the TV - more or less exactly the same things I've been doing these past nine days, and quite frankly, I don't feel so good. Physically.

Did you know that Tony Lovato, the lead singer of Mest was arrested for murder yesterday? Okay. Well, I thought you didn't know yet. I guess I'm pretty slow. :p

It's sad how this generation of 13-year-olds are trying too hard to act ten years older than they are, forcing themselves to go through things they don't have to go through yet. It's also sad how people just throw their life away, so thoughtlessly.

When will we learn?

Okay... Now, you can call me pathetic and kind of sad. I've finished all episodes on Youtube, which, in turn, were also all episodes that were aired, from season 1 to season 5. And I don't regret any second of wasting my time waiting for the videos to load or unstable internet connections. *Giggles.

A few days ago, I finished making two fairly simple, but nonetheless, awesome layouts, and the coding worked fine when I tried it here, but when I uploaded it all onto BlogSkins, it got all messed up and I don't know how to fix it. It should be easy to find out how, but every time I try, nothing changes and I get even more confused than before. And I don't really need to be saying all this, but who cares, right? :D

I started watching Prison Break today and I've decided, among other things, it's cool, simply because it was on TV at the right time. Which reminds me, I've been looking for this for a while now, and the first time I watched it, which was three years ago, I thought it was hilariously funny. Hahahaha. I can't remember why. Must be because there was a squirrel. And he kept saying, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Oh, my God. Something happened to my laptop. I only have two Internet Explorers open, one of them being the window I'm typing this in and the other being my search result on Youtube. There are no videos playing, and I don't have any other windows open that would cause audio to play 'cause right now, there are, I think, three voices, whispering at the same time but all of them are saying different things. It's really creepy. And I don't know where it's coming from!

Isn't this cool?

Yes, it is. Take note of Malice My Shadow; that makes it even cooler. It kind of looks like the cover for Punk-o-rama 10, but that may just be the colour scheme. But even though, suspiiiicious.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nevermind about the voices. It was a banner in the Youtube window. An advert for TalkToFrank.com that said, "Think everyone's talking to you? Maybe it's because you've been smoking too much skunk." when I rolled the cursor over it. So, that's the only reason why I bothered linking TalkToFrank, 'cause it got my attention and really freaked me out. I think it was a sign. Maybe there are drug abusers visiting Broken Smile, and maybe they need help from Frank. Hahaha. Stupid banner.

Feeling: Hungry, tired and cold
Listening to: Autumn Cannibalist by Die Mannequin

Some of you may find it pathetic and kind of sad to finish watching all the episodes of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends available on Youtube, but I'll have you know: I'm only nearly finished so HAAAAAAAH, I'm not pathetic and kind of sad.

Feeling: Incomprehensive
Listening to: The Bright Side Of Suffering by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

It's happened again, but everytime I listen to Scary Kids Scaring Kids, I fall completely in love with them and listen to all their songs over and over again because all their songs are gorgeous. Then, I listen to other bands and forget about them for a while until I come across bands like Four Letter Lie which make me want to find out how Scary Kids Scaring Kids sound again, and the process starts again. They're just awesome. I want to see them live so badly, I start whining to myself. And Tyson's voice; it sounds stupid but at the same time, amazing. I can't explain it. The lyrics mean something to me, as well. Actually everything about them is great. But I will announce to the world once again: Scary Kids Scaring Kids are fantastic.

And no, I didn't know Tyson was their vocalist's name until I looked at their MySpace a few seconds before typing his name. Hehehehehe. Yes, okay, I cheated.

I don't like this situation I'm in. What is going ooonnnnnn? :[ Why the hell am I even in this position? We shouldn't be here.

I'm losing so much blood, I'm tempted to kill all these fucking mosquitoes in a crazy rampage of fury. SLDFLWELRKHLKN. Get away, evil beasts.

The plane's getting ready to crash; I'm getting ready to crumble.

PS: This entry was a puzzle. Mix and match, everyone. Mix and match.

Feeling: Strange
Listening to: Full Tilt Boogie by Four Letter Lie

This song is good. The band's good too; they remind me so much of another band but I don't know who. It's bugging me 'cause I've been listening to them all day and no names are coming to me. It's almost as if I could say it, but I don't know how. Bloody annoying. But nonetheless, give them a listen and make me happy.

You may have noticed, but I'll remind you. I'm scared of a lot of things, from swimming in the deep part of the ocean to the future, but I get afraid more often now than ever before. I keep finding new things to be scared of. Like today, I was overcome with the realization that time is scary; it moves too fast for me, and I'm afraid I'll miss something. Or maybe it's not fear I'm feeling. Maybe I'm having totally different emotions, but I can only identify them as fear.

Yeah. Maybe I'm not such a big buffalo.

But then again, you know how they say eyes are mirrors into the soul? Did you ever think of looking so deep into someones eyes that you see nothing, just a suffocating blank darkness? I do that too often; I imagine seeing an overwhelming nothing and I imagine it to be frightening.

I'm confused.

I hate reality, and I have to stop being such a chicken.

Plus, I'm in the mood for mint ice cream with chocolate chips.

Remember?

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: Heart Beatz by the Sleeping

My friend, it hurts that you're gone.

Don't you hate those people who are great at everything they do? You try as hard as you can, but it tortures your soul to find you can't be as good as them. So, when you discover something they don't do so well with, you rejoice, simply because it's proof that they, too, have weaknesses. They may have superhuman powers, but hell, they have their flaws.

But fuck, man. I hate being okay at things. I'm not excellent at anything I attempt to do; the best I can achieve is an alright. I don't amaze people; I can't do things amazingly. I wish I could. Everytime I think I'm remotely fascinating at something, I find someone who's so much better. And It's not exactly encouraging. It's actually quite saddening, but I guess it's not as bad as being absolute crap at everything, ey?

Anyway, the point is, since I'm not splendiferous (remember this word?) at anything, it's hard to tell what career path I should take. I hate making decisions; they lead to horrible fates. But I'm guessing, so do you. And I'm also guessing the people who are good at everything have the same problem, so basically, I'm more angry at the people who are good at a specific subject, thus making it so much easier for them to specialise and I keep changing the topic, so let me start again. THE POINT ISSSS, I ENJOY DOING THINGS I'M GOOD AT. SO, I'D PROBABLY ENJOY DOING THE THINGS I'M EXCELLENT AT EVEN MORE, CAREER-WISE (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. WINK WINK. HAHAHA) SOOOO, IT'S HARD TO TELL WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO IN THE FOOTCHARR, IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO BEST.

Hahaha. That was a whole lot of confusion and capital letters.

If you can relate, I guess I'm not so pathetic. If you can't, well, I'm going to go kill myself now.

Not really, but if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

I've quoted this song before, but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve another chance to be used to express feelings. "No one ever said that life was fair, and I'm not saying that it hould be. So, knowing you are where you want to be, and I'm not comes as no surprise, but don't expect me to be happy for you, and don't smile at me and tell me things will work out for me, too. I don't want your pity. I hate your pity." - Alesana's Congratulations, I Hate You.

Hahhhhh. I miss Hamish. He left me upside down, drowning in a world too frontal for me.

Feeling: Scared
Listening to: Aside by the Weakerthans

Reality is understanding that a hello received foreshadows a goodbye to come, people leave, feelings get hurt and nobody remembers.

Or maybe it's just cynicalness.

Jumping off cliffs; breaking bones; cutting veins; taking life, just so you can, for once, be what you actually feel like:

Non-existant.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to change.
I don't need new people.
I don't need new things.
Or new places.

I don't want to grow up.

And frankly, I'm scared as hell.
About everything.

This whole 'life' thing, it's fucked up.

I can't look at it from the I'm-so-excited side of things; that side doesn't exist right now, all that's in front of me is a big black hole of nothingness. NOTHINGNESS. And it fucking scares me. :[

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk.

I'm in so much pain.

Goddamn tummyaches. :[

Feeling: Kapoof
Listening to: Counting Stars by Sugarcult

I wanna crawl out of my skin.

I just got back from watching 300, which was awesomely cool, might I add, and as soon as I walked in the house, my grandmother started talking to my mother in Hokkien. And you know how my grandmother is, don't you? Yes, she's crazy, and sometimes, the things she says makes sense 'cause it works with the things she does, and it seems very weird but let me explain.

Remember that time my grandmother stood at the side of the road, saying she was waiting for her husband to come home? Her husband who is dead? Let me refresh your memory. Yeah, well, anyway, this afternoon, she told me to clean up my mess from sleeping on the couch the night before because a doctor was coming to "do her eyes". Little did I know this was going to be the start of a very interesting day, kept entertained by some very interesting visitors my grandmother had. Later, she told my mother to take her to her friend (whose name I've forgotten)'s birthday party. And when I got home just now, she told us that the rice we had bought for her earlier was poisoned. How she knew this? Her friend (whose name I've also forgotten) told her.

She said that my mother's uncle had come, dropped off food and left to my uncle's house down the road where he had gathered with lots of other greatuncles and aunts to have dinner. She wanted my mother to take her there so she could eat as well, seeing as she hadn't eaten yet. After all, her rice was poisoned. :p More strangely, this house they're gathering at, it's empty. There's no one living there anymore. So, basically, there's a bunch of people eating in an empty house.

She also said that she had spoken with Mao Ze Dong, and that if we didn't believe her, we could call the Chinese newspaper up and ask them because she'd told a reporter about it. You know who Mao Ze Dong is, right? He was the Chinese Marxist political and military leader, Chairman of the Communist Party of China who caused the infamous Cultural Revolution which led to the torture and death of many people. You know, that guy. Who's dead. Who's been dead for the last 30 years. In fact, all these friends and relatives grandmother has seen and spoken with today are dead. And I guess it's a little scary, especially when you start thinking that maybe that's why she talks to herself so often. Wink wink.

Hahahaha. Okay. I just find it intriguing. A bunch of dead people gathering at an empty house to have dinner in the early hours of the morning. It's a little too convincing, if you know what I mean.

She did speak to some living people though. She said my cousin, who's in America, has had 6 babies from one birth, and this other relative has had 7, and all of them came to visit her. In other words, she's seen 13 babies today.

Hahah. There you go; the pieces. Now, you put the puzzle together.

But yes, 300 is a good movie; the Spartans' motives really got to me, and the way they have so much faith and hope and belief; it's nice. The soundtrack was good, too. Plenty of action and blood; beautiful. The ending had me smiling like a fool, and that kind of smile only comes when I discover something really enjoyable that doesn't drag along any other kinds of emotions like guilt or shame, just pleasure. So, I guess that's a good thing. Go watch it; you be the judge. :]

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Crimson Red by Holiday Parade

So, BGIC's over, like many things, and I didn't go to school today. Mehehehehehehe. Mehehehehehehe. MEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

I've been coughing my throat sore and I haven't eaten properly all day, which may be why I'm so hungry. Maybe. Come to think of it, I haven't been eating properly for the last four days. It can't be good.

I've also been sitting in bed with my laptop, eating chips and watching episodes of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends on Youtube. Eduardo's so cute. Hehehee. For example:

Duchess: Eduardo?
Eduardo: Ola, Duchess.
Duchess: What are you wearing?! It's hideous!
Eduardo: This is a face mask to make my skin siiiilky smooth. They say the picture tells a thousand words, I want them to be good ones.
Duchess: What's in it?
Eduardo:: Let's see... Toothpaste, potatoes, tiny pieces of rock, sand and crackers. For the exfoliating!

If you know who Eduardo is, you'd know he's a big purple monster who wears a skull buckle belt, has horns and sharp teeth and speaks in a Mexican accent. Hehehehehehehe. So cute. But of course, we mustn't forget Bloo's cuteness. :]

Speaking of cuteness, I downloaded this program called WindowBlinds from FileHippo and now my laptop is super cool.



Hahahaha. I may have exaggerated and you may have already discovered programs that do this, but let me bask in it's glory for just a moment. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Hehe. Okay. And the 'x' is glowing red because the cursor was hovering over it. Other times, it's black like the squares next to it. Ooooooooh.

Whoaaaa. I'm not hungry anymore. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I've eaten something because I haven't (I should do that soon though, I hear not eating is dangerous). Looks like we have another mystery on our hands.

Paranoia is the insect worming it's way through my subconcious thoughts. It's the larva of my self-doubt, gestating in my heart as I spiral down. And everything I touch is breaking, and it falls to the Earth in splinters, and I shiver as every splinter finds it's way underneath my skin.

I lick my wounds, trying to cleanse the infection. Rabid and diseased, reality fades away. When I push myself too far, a dream of emotional perfection has left a wounded heart trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me. It's like squeezing the trigger. It's like opening fire on everyone who's let me down; on every beautiful lie that is only fiction.

For the first time, I'm losing control and I like it. Freedom feels like the noose is gone.

Feeling: Detached
Listening to: A Streetcar Named Desire by A Thorn For Every Heart

Wow. My nose hurts.

My brother knocked me across the bridge just now. Twice. It hurt really bad at first but now it just kind of hurts without the really badly part.

Anyway, if you're involved in BGIC, and if you see a strange-looking girl who seems out-of-place and lost, going in and out of randomly chosen committee rooms with a tag that says "ISB Reporting Team: Journalist", that's me!

Sometimes, the people you see everyday, the ones that smile and never complain about how hard life is, feel more pain than you could imagine; they think about it all the time, but you never notice. The thought that this person is going through horrible times never crosses your mind. And once you figure out there's something wrong, by means of gathering information either directly or indirectly, the sadness these people had always walked around with is now clear in everything they do. It's strange because they're doing the exact same thing as before, but now you can see how their actions are dented with the fact that they're not as happy as you once thought they were; you can see it in the little things they do, the kind of smiles they give you, and the way their eyes have more meaning than is being told, begging you to understand in the most subtle of manners. The same things, and you never noticed it before.