Feeling: Tired
Listening to: All Hands On Deck, Part 2: Open Water by Funeral For A Friend

Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Blinded by this light,
it is all that surrounds me.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Showing teeth, bearing fever, lost in open water
until they find, find us all lost with all the shipwreck.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control. Am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone, too far gone to be saved?

Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control.
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again, we lost control.
And I lost control.

Feeling: Pensive
Listening to: When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out by Copeland

It's a multiple-entry quiz competition, and some people have submitted a really large number of responses.

The problem is that they're wrong.

So, despite the huge amount of effort they have put in - regardless of the confidence and hope they clung to - they don't even stand a chance to be part of the lucky draw.

They went into this with all the wrong answers right from the start. They put in everything they could to get their hands on something called a "prize". They wait patiently to learn their fate. But they were never in the running.

This sounds suspiciously symbolic of something profound, or maybe of nothing at all.

I've got to keep moving lest my heart should stop for I will surely die.

Feeling: Fuddled
Listening to: Love Is A Fast Song by Copeland

How strange. The moment your body reacts in a real, physical way, so does mine.

Does anyone ever know what they're doing?

Today's theme is: Defining oneself.

I keep trying to justify my decision, but the reasons that seemed so persuasive not long ago only seem to be hollow and meaningless now.

Too serious, not serious enough. Idealistic, delusional, stupid, childish, complicated, easy, perfect, minute, stupid, inadequate, overwhelming. Selfish. Stupid.

Premature.

I don't know anything. I thought it was growing up, learning, evolving. But I'm beginning to think that doesn't happen. People don't grow up. They don't learn or evolve. They go around in circles, laughing as they slowly die from the inside out.

A joke.

A fucked up joke with no punchline and all the joyless tears in the world.

Things fall apart.

But do they come back together again?

You are so fucking beautiful.

Every breath that I exhale is a sigh. Every breath that I exhale is a sigh of exhaustion.

How sad.

And this is what your life has been reduced to - a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.

How sad when the strings have been removed from the blinds, and all the outlets have been painted over, and the television screen is streaked with blood and smeared from your knuckles as if you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated the strength or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough.

Startled by a knock at the door, you arise for the first time in two days to answer, but you can only greet the visitor with one short statement:

"Hello, my first name is Distance, and I really don't care if I never wake up again."

Hello, my name is Distance, and I really don't care if I never wake up again.

And I really don't care if I never wake up again.

And I really don't care if I never wake up again.

Oh, lord. This is painful. AsdoOsNFOiWMLekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

I cannot watch.

But I have to. :[

Why am I so naïve?

Feeling: Gross
Listening to: Sacrifice by Dreamwalk

Everything is falling apart today. :/

Is that just what things do, or does a change need to be made?

Feeling: Knotted
Listening to: Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I suppose it had been building up, but it still took us by surprise and the children were running away in fear as obscenities in various languages were yelled and strange accusations were made (e.g. It seems I have stolen 1,110 cartons of milk and given them to my friends who live behind the house).

My grandmother reached her breaking point yesterday and it is now back to our old ways of hiding behind locked doors and avoiding eye contact. And listening to her shout angry words back and forth at herself.

We may need to reconsider her medication, or at least figure out some way to calm her down.

I suggested spiking her drinks with some booze. That seems to work in the movies, and movies are like so realistic, okay. :]

Feeling: Eager
Listening to: Do You Know What I'm Seeing? by Panic! At The Disco

In a very particular order:

1. Master of Science in Communication Science at the University of Amsterdam, Netherlands
   
2. Master of Arts in Media Studies at the University of Copenhagen, Denmark
   
3. Master of Science in Communication Science at the University of Helsinki, Finland
   
4. Master of Science in Media & Communication at Uppsala University, Sweden
   
5. Master of Arts in Media & Communication Studies at Stockholm University, Sweden
   
6. Master of Arts in Media & Journalism / Master of Science in Sociology of Culture, Media & Arts at Erasmus University Rotterdam, Netherlands
   

I know it's sad that I never gave a damn about the weather and it never gave a damn about me.

Feeling: Rage

Seriously, what the fuck?!

Since when is posting a picture of a bloody, mangled body hanging out of the window of a beat up car that you just saw by the side of the road on fucking Facebook of all places okay, much less compassionate?

Arrogantly attaching a half-hearted "Condolences to the family" with it just makes it worse, especially when you didn't even have the decency to censor the license plate in any way. You probably don't even know them!

Just be honest with yourself. Go ahead and make a spectacle out of someone else's misfortune because you are a sick son of a bitch, but don't dare to pretend it's because you care about the victim or their family.

These Facebook users who have lost touch with the ways of the world because they're too busy wandering around in cyberspace are kind of really starting to piss me off.

Feeling: Blargh

Thank you, Senior Academic, for answering my desperate and anxious call. Just wish it wasn't with an elongated "NO... Bitch."

Less than half a mark, man. Half a single colourful froot-loopy mark.

My face is going to look like this for a while, complete with two beads of sweat suspensefully waiting by the corner of my left eye: -_-"

"It is not for you to decide what happens here." - Green Zone

I watched Green Zone tonight, and this line was just so powerful, especially in its context. It speaks so much to me. I'm just not exactly sure what it's saying.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Somebody please tell me the result of my appeal already! *Squeals.

Questions to ask yourself:

1. If a black man is racist, is it okay - when it's a white man's racism that made him that way?
   
2. If psychopathy is a natural occurence, and a psychopath causes enough trauma to mentally disturb someone else into psychopathy, who's fault is it?
   
3. If paedophilia is a (let's say) "mutation" of one's sexuality - in that it doesn't happen on purpose, i.e. it's not their fault - why don't paedophiles get sympathy?

Now, the final question: Is placing blame really as important as we make it out to be?

Sometimes, the lines just aren't clear enough. Then, what?

My grandmother has wrinkles on her face and on her hands and in places I can only imagine. She walks rather slowly now, ever since she fell over and broke her hip. They had to put a metal joint-replacer in, and at the end of the operation, the doctors gave us her bone in a pickle jar.

During the first few weeks of the month-long hospital stay, she used to look so tired. And so bored. And so fed up with the trudge of this life that is way too long and cruel.

But I think she's happier now. It took a broken bone to get all of her children to see her, but I think she liked seeing them all getting along and being together again. She eats at the dinner table with us now, and with people I haven't seen in years.

It used to be unheard of because she said the food was poisoned, so she'd lock herself in her room for days at a time. And then she'd carry herself out again and sit at the kitchen table talking to herself for three days straight.

She used to chase me around the house and hit me with sticks when her schizophrenia kicked in and I was her granddaughter, but a thief as well. A thief who would beat her up and kill various cousins and marry bishop's sons. I had to lock my bedroom door and hold the knob still so she couldn't get in and stab me with her keys.

She used to carry a bunch of keys with her all the time. She'd pin them to her clothes and when she walked, you could hear the shuffle of her feet with the subtle jingle of keys.

It got so bad at one point, I had to break the bars off my window to leave the house because I had a flight to catch. My brother helped push me through the window and I walked away satisfied and relieved.

But she has her good days, too, and the paranoia only got really bad in the last five years or so. She used to pick me up from school before she scared herself out of driving by crashing into a parked car.

But that's a tale for another time. I just wish I knew what she's seen behind those tired eyes.

I sound so pissed off in my last two posts. Hahahaha.

That's probably because I was. :]

Once upon a time, I asked you to read this post on 'rape culture' by Melissa McEwan. But I think a lot of you didn't quite know what she meant.

I stumbled across this phrase yesterday and I believe it explains her thoughts (or my interpretation of her thoughts) quite nicely:

We live in a society that teaches "Don't get raped" instead of "Don't rape".

This is problematic because rape shouldn't be considered a naturally-occuring phenomenon that we have to accept, that there is no stopping; we shouldn't have to worry about where we walk and how and when and with whom; nobody should live in constant fear of what pervert may be lurking around the corner.

You may be thinking, "But girls should learn to not wear such short skirts and cleavagey tops and walk alone at night." No. Rapists should learn that no means no, and that nothing anyone can ever do is an invitation to rape them.

Pick up this goddamn mess and deal with the fucking problem.

Listening to: We Looked Like Giants by Death Cab For Cutie

Why are people such selfish little pricks incapable of seeing the larger consequences of their actions?

I don't understand anymore!

Feeling: Impatient
Listening to: The chug of the printing presses

Dear Miss Coventry,

I can confirm that we have received the decision of the Senior Academic in relation to your appeal and that we are due to send you a letter to confirm what the decision was. Unfortunately, I cannot give an indication of when you will be sent the letter other than it will be as soon as possible.

Why are they being so secretive? Why won't they tell me? I need to knowwwwww.

*Gasps.

Lunch time.

Listening to: Blackbirds by Erin McKeown

Loving a robot. A beautiful robot.

You've got me choking back tears while you try to oil your rusty parts.

Feeling: Sick

When something tragic happens to a friend, a relative, or even just an acquaintance, why do some people think that a Facebook wall post is an adequate way of expressing their supposed compassion? Because it sure seems like these kind of posts offering condolences only exist for show - as if you win a prize for being the first person to post and being the first to tell the story to stalker-friendly Facebook.

The thing is, an equally, if not more, meaningful message could have been conveyed privately (that is what the inbox is for, you know), and then you wouldn't have to worry about what other wall-passers may think (which I'm sure is a huge influence on how our wall posts turn out). Plus, I'm pretty sure if the affected wanted everyone on the internet to know about the vulnerable state s/he is currently in, s/he would have posted it on Facebook themselves.

If you really want to let a loved one know you are sorry about their loss, why don't you take the god damn time out of your freakishly busy life to write them an intimate, personal message that shows you really care?

A wall post on Facebook is just too convenient.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Boa by Pegasus Bridge

I guess I've been rather busy since I arrived in Brunei, but it's been nice, for the most part.

1. I basically lived at the hospital for a month because my infamous grandmother fell over and broke her hip (she finally came home).
   
2. She's been officially diagnosed with schizophrenia and is now mostly immobile but still kinda loopy (she called my aunt a hornbill last night, it was really funny but I think you had to be there).
   
3. I had a job interview with QAF Holdings which progressed into a second job interview with Brunei Press (after which they hired me, of course).
   
4. And also spent two nights at Merarap Hot Springs (we had to take the coach back to Brunei from Lawas because the ferry wasn't working!).
   
5. Was forced to roam the untamed Bruneian jungle against my will for a total of about 12 hours (including in the rain, while lost, and in pain).
   
6. Babysat, babysat, babysat and babysat my naughty but too cute nieces (this can be really tiring and at times, frustrating).
   
7. Been called "Mummy", "Mum", "Kakak", and "Daddy" many times by little Tameera, but never "Aunty Sue" (she's so confused, I love it).
   
8. Went to my first day of work which I was extremely nervous about (I'm going to finish my second week today).
   
9. Until then, I helped my mum with her businessy things.
   
10. Made many attempts to take my nieces to the morning dentist (with success on the third try).
    
11. Watched my estranged family come together again in a beautiful way I didn't imagine could happen.
    
12. Ate lots of yummy food, and visited a decent but not extravagant number of houses for Aidilfitri (I made $10).
    
13. Tried desperately to close my HSBC account in the UK (it's really complicated and annoying, but they finally closed it on the 26th of August).
    
14. Had amazing, eye-opening conversations with people I love.

On top of that, my cousin is getting married today. I didn't make it to the wedding ceremony (because, you know, I'm a working lady now and stuff), but there's lunch and reception to look forward to. Plus the tea ceremony (Newlyweds are meant to give unmarried younger-thans red packets, so I better practice my tea-carrying skills).

I've still got lots to do though (GRE, university applications, fee-paying, license-taking, among others). So, although I can't guarantee a massive flow of steady updates, you know I always try. :]

Feeling: Queasy
Listening to: Yoko by Pegasus Bridge

I am sad. I just found out Pegasus Bridge is breaking up, and I only discovered them last November, and their music is pretty, and this is just the poop on top of the big pile of crap the world appears to have turned into.

Is there no more hope left in the black abyss called life? Because this is looking suspiciously like the beginning of the apocalypse, and I'm not one to believe in such things, but I just don't see any good coming out of anything happening right now.

WHAT THE HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?

:/

This is not good. Not good at all.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Feeling: Anxious

I'm hand-delivering the Verification and Appeal form to Registry tomorrow, and I'm suddenly very nervous about it.

I hope this works. D:

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 14

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

Feeling: Energised

You know what's messed up? Getting a 2:1 with 69.32. 0.18 marks off a rounded up First.

You know what else is messed up? Getting at least 2 points lower than you should get in a module because of lazy exchange programme conversions, especially when those 2 points would give you that 0.18 you're missing.

You know what else is messed up? I only have until Wednesday, but I am going to fight for this.

It matters, okay...?

Now, I have to go finish completing these Verification and Appeal forms, and hope to high heaven they find my argument persuasive (It is pretty darn persuasive).

And in case you're wondering, I am 21 years old now. I don't want to talk about it.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 5
Days remaining (c): 17

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Submit Verification and Appeal form
(c) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

I have many questions, but lately, I haven't been expressing them publicly because these are the kind of thoughts that will make people frown at you in disgust. They have a lot to do with horrible things happening that many of us desperately want to get rid of and the ineffective way in which they are being dealt with today, because it seems that rather than fixing all of these many, many fuck-ups, we deal with them after the fact. But why don't we prevent these things from occurring before there is even a need to cure it? It is completely possible.

So, I think it's time I invite others to ask these questions as well. And I think thinking is an important part of growing up and knowing yourself and being the best kind of human being you can be. And any society that limits the kind of thinking you can do is bound to be problematic.

Do you want to be the closest-to-perfection-possible version of yourself? Or are you too afraid to merely imagine it for fear of failure and being left with only hope?

Doesn't the world just make you so darn angry sometimes? Why the hell don't we do anything about it?

Feeling: Cranky

I have a coach to catch in about 5 hours, which means I have to start walking in 4 hours, which means I need to eat and shower in 3 hours, which means I have less than 2 hours to pack my bag if I want to sneak in an hour of sleep.

Yet somehow, in spite of my lack of time, I have decided to use some of it to come say hi to my adoring fans - because I love you guys so, so, so, so much!

Just kidding. I don't have fans, much less ones that adore me. I'm only here because packing is kind of boring and I'm getting sleepy. *Yawns.

Just kidding. Of course I have fans, and if they were to have any kind of emotion towards me, it would definitely be adoration! And picking appropriate items for travel and putting them in a carry-able bag is fun!

Just kidding.

But maybe I'm not.

Who really knows anymore? I'm just so darn mysterious. WooOoooOOo~

Feeling: Itchy
Listening to: Grey Matter by Finch

Man. I want to write an amazing entry that will justify why I have disappeared for two whole months without a word, but there really isn't anything amazing about it. I had lots of school work to do, and I was focussing on that. And you know what happens when I concentrate on doing what I'm supposed to - I mess up my sleeping schedule more times than I can keep track of, randomly decide 4 o'clock in the morning is a great time to cut off 2 inches of my hair, spontaneously buy tickets to Philadelphia for a few days later (I loved this decision, and my last day there was amazing ♥), and just general going-crazy-ness.

But that's over now. It's been over for 11 days, and now, I guess I am free of the responsibilities of a Cardiff University student (except for graduation which is in 42 days!). I can mess up my sleeping schedule all I like and buy more last minute tickets - without having to think about essays and studying and assignments! Excellent!

I will miss my Horror, Fantasy and the Media class though. *Wipes tear.

P.S. Did you notice I published some old drafts? ;] Have fun finding them.
P.P.S. Hint: They were written in March.

Feeling: Hungry

Just got back from a spontaneous and half-price plus free EP Glassjaw and Napalm Death concert. My ears are still ringing. It was good. Daryl Palumbo has such stage presence.

I apparently don't learn from my mistakes because for the whole show, I was holding in my need to urinate (A similar occurrence happened at the Anberlin concert). I even had to reject the water they gave out at intermission despite my thirst for fear my bladder would burst.

I think I shall listen to Glassjaw for the rest of the week.

Days remaining (a): 11
Days remaining (b): 11
Days remaining (c): 15

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

He was a troubled man, and he knew it. But it seemed the only problem he truly had was identifying what exactly was wrong. Why did he constantly feel like he had a hole in the middle of his chest? And why did it hurt so God damn much when the wind blew and tickled his insides like a knife?

He wished he knew.

And speaking of God, he wished he knew what that was too.

He didn't understand how people woke up in the morning with the will to keep on going. What was so precious about this empty abyss that they were so afraid of saying goodbye to? Oh, he had so many questions. But you'd never hear him ask them. He wasn't that type of person.

His type of person was the one that sits by your bedside as you slowly die, holding your hand, pretending to be strong for you when really, he was just jealous. He wanted to be in your position. He didn't see how you deserved what he'd searched for so fervently. You don't even want this. He, on the other hand, wanted - more than anything - the life sucked out of his fucking body. He wanted something to look forward to. But life had cursed him with health and a good genetic background.

"Fuck me," he thought as he turned off the light. "Lets hope it rains tomorrow."

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 20
Days remaining (c): 24

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

Feeling: Pumped
Listening to: The City Sleeps In Flames by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

The empire will fall like they planned on. Can we even last through the night? We watch as the skyscrapers crumble under the burning blue sky that blinds our eyes.

This is our last chance to make things right. A world lost forever tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight.

Let's try to find a place to sleep, it's going on days that we've been awake. A sadness that I've never seen, I said your name and you looked the other way.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, if there was something left. I have nothing left to prove, and I will live with my regrets. I'd give you everything, if there was something left.

The disconnecting count of days are fading away - the lives that we made. Tear drops will spill from your blue eyes. Intentions were wrong, I apologise. The empire is falling like they planned on, and we lost it all. The city sleeps in flames.

Lost time. Everything's gonna be fine. Right? Everything's gonna be fine. Right? Everything's gonna be fine. Right? I can't find a way to live in this life.

The empire will fall like they planned on. Can we even last through the night? We watch as the skyscrapers crumble under the burning blue sky that blinds our eyes.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, if there was something left. I've got nothing left to prove, and I will live with my regrets. I'd give you everything, if there was something left.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, but I've got nothing left.

I like arranging lyrics as if they were stories. It's just the way I work, and they make more sense to me this way. :]

Anyway, I feel like this song encompasses how I feel at this very moment.

Also, I've never told you before, but every morning, the sun rises right outside my window, so I get the first rays of light coming through the curtains into my eyes. As an added bonus, when the moon is big and bright, it likes to sit in the same place outside my window.

The moon last night was beautiful.

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 20
Days remaining (c): 24

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

Feeling: Unreal

I am looking more and more like a zombie. *Stares at eye bags. After the next ten days, I may actually be dead.

OH, GODDD. D:

WHY DID MY BRAIN HAVE TO STOP WORKING?!

I need that to function... :[

Days remaining (a): 0
Days remaining (b): 4
Days remaining (c): 10

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Broken
Listening to: My life crumbling to the ground*

Salt and vinegar chips are divine. But eating them while your lips are chapped and bleeding hurts quite a bit.

Almost as much as the burn I got from the boiling water I just spilled on my little finger. :'[

The water was for the cup of tea I am now sipping. I used to think tea wasn't something to love because its taste is so faint, but now I think it is rather nice. *Sips tea.

I had a flat inspection today, and I tidied my room in no time at all by grabbing everything off the floor in one swift arm movement and dumping it in my closet. No one will ever know. Muahahahaha!

Fuck.

SNAP OUT OF IT, GOD DAMN IT! *Slaps self.

*Just kidding. It's not doing that, and if it was, I am unsure whether it would make a sound or not.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 7
Days remaining (c): 13

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Rotten

"People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

'They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'" - Brain Droppings by George Carlin

Days remaining (a): 8
Days remaining (b): 11
Days remaining (c): 17

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Sore

Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault. - Rape Culture 101 by Melissa McEwan

You should read the rest of what she has to say. Please read it.

Days remaining (a): 11
Days remaining (b): 14
Days remaining (c): 20

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Lost

Need to get back on track. I'm losing time. And my mind! D:

Days remaining (a): 21
Days remaining (b): 27

(a) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(b) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

L'espirit de l'escalier {French}
-idiom

1. The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said.

This happens to me all the freakin' time. :/

LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT.*

Days remaining (a): 22
Days remaining (b): 28

(a) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(b) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

*Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco.

Feeling: Calm
Listening to: Paris by Pegasus Bridge

I think I've chosen my essay for Horror, Fantasy and the Media. :]

Todorov and the idea of the fantastic seems to appeal to me and A Tale of Two Sisters.

Maybe.

But if I loved you, it'd be the worst thing I could ever do.

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 24
Days remaining (c): 30

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #1
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Trapped

1. Analyse the representation of monstrosity in any one horror text of your choice using a cognitive-aesthetic approach to horror (Carroll). Assess the uses and limits of this theoretical approach in relation to your chosen horror text.
   
2. Analyse the construction of the 'fantastic' in any one text of your choice (film/literature/TV) using Todorov's model. Assess the usefulness of this approach and consider its limitations in relation to your chosen text.
   
3. Analyse the appeal of any one horror text by using psychoanalytic approaches (Freud/Creed). Relate your chosen text to key psychoanalytic concepts (the uncanny and abjection), considering the uses and limits of these psychoanalytic theories of horror.
   
4. Analyse any 'horror' text produced for television, considering how and to what extent your chosen text fits into theoretical definitions of the horror genre. (If you are analysing a TV series, focus on selected episodes).
   
5. Analyse any 'horror' text (factual/fictional/mockumentary) that purports to represent true events. Drawing on relevant theoretical approaches, consider how important constructions of realism are when defining the horror genre, and discuss how convincing you find Noel Carroll's 'natural horror'/'art horror' distinction.

Think, Sue-Anne. Think.

"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you." - Valerie in V for Vendetta

That was ill-timed. I'm sorry.

This is bigger than me and my feelings. Lets go.

Listening to: The clock ticking (It's always there, taking away time and giving none back, but only in the background)

I've always been the kind of person who could tell you something worth believing in about the world. Because amongst all the cruelty and horrors, I truly thought the world deserved someone to have hope in it. It was my favourite thing about Earth - that no matter how many terrible people there were, there were still lots of good people, too. I'd never ever seriously felt at any point before this that there was nothing worth living for.

I'd never had those feelings before, and it tore my insides apart.

Oh, World, why would you disappoint me like this? I've been your most faithful servant, and I had such great plans for you. Now, they're all fucked, and I don't care anymore. You're on your own. You've screwed me over one too many times, and this was the worst. I don't want to see what other things you are capable of. I don't want to see what else you have up your sleeve.

When someone asks "What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?" and you can't find an answer, does that mean you were wrong and basing your expectations on fantasies you made up in your head?

Feeling: Dead

A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick. A feather, a lump of coal, and a stick.

Feeling: Dead

These focus groups are going horribly wrong. If they could go anywhere when they're not even existing.

It appears the foot-in-the-door theory is inapplicable in this instance. *Wipes tear.

This looks like a job for...

A NEW APPROACH!
:D

(Think positive.)

Feeling: Hopeless

Hypothetically speaking...

A while ago, after much contemplation about past events, I realised that I am drawn to people who are 'broken'. I enjoyed the prospect of fixing them, and this is what I frequently tried to do, probably in a vain attempt to make me feel better about myself (I HAVE A HEART, GAWSH. I AM SUCH A GOOD PERSON), but no matter how hard I tried, I kept returning to where I started - I could not fix them! And it frustrated me. Why could I not have the power to make someone better? Why must I sit here unable to reach them as they flail their arms about madly?

I soon discovered the answer: I can't. And I don't think I'm supposed to. It was just unnecessary drama that I really could not deal with on top of my own complexes. So, I decided to try something different and began the search for someone who was 'normal' and 'together' - anyone who did not seem like they desperately needed someone to piece them back together. But every time I thought I'd found them, I soon realised they were just as 'broken' as the blatantly 'broken' people. We all are. We all have these stupid fucking destructive issues holding us back, whether we let it show at first glance or not. And I guess what I'm trying to say is: Although we can't completely fix each other, we can help push each of our 'broken' souls in the right direction (though 'right' is subjective). But that's it. The rest is up to them.

You cannot save everyone; some people have to save themselves.

Feeling: Behind
Listening to: New Dress by Depeche Mode

Going through my questionnaire responses to find main themes. This one makes me laugh:

Their behaviours do not offend me as it is human nature to desire sexytime with others. Plus I am not a Conservative Christian mother. - 16, male

Fair enough, mah brotha. *Slaps back.

Feeling: Gross

I don't know why I'm awake.

I got eight hours of sleep last night and made it to my 10:00AM lecture. I was sleepy at 2:30PM so I had a one hour nap in the library, and when I got home, I was still tired so I slept for three hours and woke up at 11:00PM. Now, it's 2:30AM and I have class at 10:00AM for which I have to finish reading this chapter about political public relations.

Also, I think I'm developing a sickness. *Sneezes. *Blows nose. *Drinks water. AASDFEfsefseFLSmefoisenf.

Damn you, curse of the conscience!

Feeling: Stupid
Listening to: Bruised by Jack's Mannequin

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Cardiff University is holding a club night called 'Frat Party' where they will have beer pong, cheerleaders, red plastic cups and Jello shots.

Hahahahahahahaha.

British people pretending to be American is funny. I wonder if they do British parties in the States.

But seriously, I miss America and frat parties. *Sighs.

Feeling: Hungry

Holy macaroni! In a matter of two and a half hours, I got nearly 200 responses. There were so many coming in at once, it was crazy and overwhelming and lovely. :D

In a completely (or not at all) unrelated change of topic, I love The Student Room.

Feeling: Exhausted
Listening to: The Big Bang Theory by Barenaked Ladies

I am now desperate.

Hi, readers. *Dusts off cobwebs.

If you don't already know, I have decided to torture myself with the excruciating task of writing a 12,000 word dissertation on teen viewers' attitudes towards the sexual content on Skins. However, things have been going rather slowly, and deadlines are looming, and it's come to the point where I need your help. If you are 16-19 years old and watch Skins (UK as opposed to US), please consider taking my survey. If you know someone who matches this description, please consider directing them to my survey. It's a mere 10 questions long (or 12 if you count 'Age' and 'Gender' as questions), so it really will only take a few minutes. In case you didn't catch that, this is my survey.

Once I publish this, I'll add a counter to the sidebar over there -> to let you know how many responses I've gotten so far, and how many more I need (I do not have many at all). To try to make this a bit more fun than it sounds. :D 'Cause counting is fun. Ask Count von Count. He likes it.


Count von Count
If you help me, maaaaaaaaybe I'll start updating more frequently (ha ha). Or maaaaaaaybe I'll give you a hug. Actually, the hug is a given. If you get my survey answered, you will receive one hug. The more surveys, the more hugs! Talk about incentive! :D

I've still got another week and a half until classes start, so I am trying to be productive. Trying.

...Anyway, I made a list. Of stuff.

1. Went to Berlin, without knowing any German.
   
2. Learned so much history and gained lots of respect for this little city.
   
3. Randomly stumbled onto the red carpet of the premiere for Morning Glory. It was so random. I did not know what was going on, but I got to see Harrison Ford and Rachel McAdams walk around and look pretty.
   
4. Ate as many kinds of sausages as I could. They are called 'wurst' in German, and they truly are yummy in your tummy.
   
5. Noticed the Germans enjoy consuming apple juice spritzers, muesli, and nuts.
   
6. Went to Paris, without knowing any French.
   
7. Did not like it as much as I liked Berlin.
   
8. Had the best croissant ever at the patisserie by our apartment.
   
9. Did not find any frog legs, caviar, or escargot on any menu. I was not sure if I wanted to try any, so it's okay.
   
10. Noticed the French enjoy consuming wine, cheese, and preserved duck.
    
11. Discovered this company called Sandeman's New Europe that does really good, free, English-speaking walking tours of some European cities (like Berlin and Paris).

Feeling: Worn Out
Listening to: Dog Days Are Over by Florence And The Machine

It has been a while, internet. How are you? Don't answer that.

I have some things to say, so I made a list.

Just kidding. There is no list. I don't know how to put these thoughts into words. So. Um. Hi. *Waves.

I have been away in Ludlow, then London, then Cardiff, then Berlin, then Paris, then London, and now I'm back in Cardiff, only to disappear to London, then Barcelona, then London, then Cardiff in a couple of weeks. To be fair, I only go to London for the airport, so that doesn't really count, I guess.

I'll make that list in the next post. Maybe.

And I shall end things with a rather long quote from a TV show:

"It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication, that anything in this lifetime is permanent." - Merideth Grey on Grey's Anatomy

Okay. I'm not done yet.

May I just say that 2010 was an eventful year for me. May 2011 be just as, if not more, amazing. For all of us. Come on, universe. :]

To be honest, I don't feel like posting. I want to disappear some more. It was clarifying. Oh, well. *Shrugs.

Also, here's a link to an article entitled 'Smoking "causes damage in minutes", US experts claim'. I thought it was interesting.