Torture...

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Easier Said Than Done by A Static Lullaby

Wow. I've been so busy lately. With that First Aid thingie. Yea, I think it's better if I call it Red Crescent, since First Aid is a subject there. So yea, who would have thought going for those classes would be so tiring. We do this marching thing called "Kawad" which is really strict, but so organized. It's actually beautiful. LOL. Laugh all you want. Haha. It looks nice. Anyway, we've been having these little tournaments 10 minutes before our finish class time, and at the end the class with the highest marks gets the trophey. Eheh. At least, that's what my broken Malay tells me. Well, right now, my class is losing. BUTTT we're improving. Today we did real good, and I think it's because Fadly taught us. Eheh. He's such a cool guy. The best teacher for Kawad I think. :) And he gave us good luck. Plus he said we did good today since it was the first time we did the "Baris Bersurai", and it was correct, while the other classes got it wrong. Eheh. Fadly..?

So yea, JiJoh's "brother" is my teacher, and I just found out today that he's only 17, and he didn't get passed his PMB, coz he dropped out. And now he's studying to become a chef. And like.. I don't see him as a food person, so that's cool. Yea, I saw JiJoh the other day, and I was sooo surprised. Far, her sister, and I walked to Yayasan, which is VERY far from St.Andrews school for your information. So when we finally got there, we went in thru the Jollibee side, and I sat down at the bench they have there, and I noticed some guy looking at me. LOL. I looked up and heard Far say "JiJoh", and then I turned my head, and saw him there. And I was just really surprised to see him there. He looks cute with specs. Haha. So yea. That's it. I have no life.

Anyway, he poked his head into my class today. Just to wave at me. So yeah, that was.. nice. To see him again. Kind of missed him. Anyway, guess who I met at Hua Ho, kiulap today? Hehe. Ok. You can't. It was Nabila's dad, and younger sister (I forgot her name.. Something beginning with N. LOL). She looked so pretty. Her hair was so nice. Eheh. And I can't believe her dad still remembers me.

Ahh.. I'm having a thought block right now. And I can't think of anything to write. LOL. Yea, I think I invented that. Thought block. Cool. :)

They Suck Blood.

Feeling: Nervous
Listening to: Lipgloss And Letdown by A Static Lullaby

I woke up with these red marks on my hands. Kind of like stigmata, which was creepy. The marks eventually faded as the day went on, but I remembered it wasn't the first time I'd had the marks on my hands. Oh well, I'll just let it go like it's nothing. I couldn't help wonder if my little vampire dude was okay that other night, he seemed to different, like he was sad. I don't know though, I don't read minds. But I hate this feeling I have now, it's like I can't even talk to my little vampire dude like I used to. Haha. So weird.

Anyway, I started laughing like crazy today when I said "Hey you! Don't touch dat! Touch dis!" like they do in the advert. And once I started, I couldn't stop. I don't even know why. Haha. It wasn't even funny. So yeah, I was laughing so hard, tears were literally streaming down my face. Mm hmm. Freaky, no? :P Well, it was weird anyway.

I didn't do much today, just chilled to the sounds of The Used, A Static Lullaby and my happy song, "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes. LOL. I know it's cheesy, but I love that song. It's my happy song. So what? Haha. It helps me feel even more happy when I'm already happy, so that's good I guess. And today, credit goes to the Pink Frog for making me happy. Haha. He let me spit everything out on him, and yea. I just felt special. I really.. Need to get a life. So tomorrow, since Far wouldn't stop bugging me about going to this First Aid thing, I think I'll go to it. I'll tell you bout it tomorrow, yea? Or some other day if I forget.

It starts at 8 AM and so I guess I should be going to bed now. Hehe. It's already kind of late. Sorry this blog had absolutely no point, but I had nothing better to do but tell you how I feel, and how my boring day was. Ta da! It was boring. Nite. *Who's the one that's laughing now? I'm the one who's laughinggg*

Oh, wait. Some lyrics, yea? We need some lyrics to sing along to. Hah. Just felt like filling out some webspace.

Lipgloss And Letdown by A Static Lullaby
Blind to the answers, find yourself,
Walk for the moment, find the reason in yourself,
Theres a reason for you and I,
Take this time to find a meaning,
A reason to sit back and measure the worst 6 years of my life,
Waiting for your legs to close on my best friends,
Last night I saw your life flash before my eyes,
Why did I laugh so hard, baby?
(you won't be back and I'm still laughing)
I never meant to hurt you (but I did)
I'm sorry that you cried so hard darling,
I'll never hurt you again,
Take this time to find your tongue,
A sorry excuse to stop your lies,
The best 30 seconds of my life,
My angel, take your pills,
My angel, I sold your ring,
And now your speechless,
And now I can't stop laughing,
I didn't want it this way,
I hope you're happy where you are
And I'm glad to say I put you there,
Who's the one that's laughing now?
I'm the one who's laughing now
(now there's nothing left to say
I hope you're feeling my embrace, and I can't sleep)
You should have left me sleeping,
You should have let me sleep...

Oh so true. I hope Angeltowns is working tomorrow. I need to update the avatars and etc. Just because I don't have anything else to do. Haha. Oh, right. I was supposed to be going to bed. Woo. Again with the procrastinating. Yea, I don't even know why I feel nervous. Bye.

4:11 AM: Damn.

Feeling: Suicidal, but revived.
Listening to: Magazines by Brand New

Wow. I'm feeling so suicidal right now. I just wrote 3 LOONNGG paragraphs that might earn a page in a book somewhere someday. LOL. I just want it to be finished. Eheh. Yea, it's about a girl who commits suicide because she can't cope with all the confusion and frustration around her. (I tried to put myself in her position. Haha. Nah, actually, I just put everything I was feeling into it, and made it worse. Ooh. I love pain.) She's feeling so untrusted and lonely, and she takes her life on a dark and stormy night, in her bathroom with a blade. Yup. She cuts her throat, with lightening and thunder in the background. Haha. I'm so sadistic. I hate myself. I was trying to put all my anger and sadness, and whatever else I was feeling into something artistic, and this is what came out. Kind of cool, in a surreal way. But *bleh! It could be a best seller one day! Haha. I love to dream.

I was feeling so not good today. And I don't know why. I was feeling okay at the beginning of the day then somebody had to kind of make me feel bad. But yeah, it's ok. Guess he was just doing what he thought he should do. I don't blame him. So yeah, it's okay. Eheh. Lucky I didn't really take my life. And sorry, yea? I always make these blogs anonymous and stuff. Like with him and him. LOL. Seems much cooler. And I get to keep my privacy, just for the record, him and him aren't the same people, alright?

Right. Nothing much happened today, was pretty boring. Was gonna go out with umm.. my friend, but I didn't feel like it. Yea, I'm so weird. I really want to go out sometimes, but then if the wrong people ask me, I don't want to go out. Sheesh. So anyway, after righting that reviving little essay thingie, I'm feeling much better. I'm feeling all.. blank. Yea, not happy, not sad, just blank. Think that's good enough for me, don't ya think? ;) So with it being 4:14 AM now and all, I'm getting kind of sleepy, although I haven't fallen asleep at the computer yet, I just might if I stay on any longer. Haha. I was supposed to go to bed 2 hours ago, but damn me and my procrastinating! I hope I can wake up early tomorrow.. Don't want to spend all of it sleeping, as much as I wish I could. Eheh. Piss off now. The roosters are crowing already!

Kill Kill

Feeling: Disappointed
Listening to: Kill Kill by Papa Roach

Aah. I just couldn't stand livejournal.com, couldn't be very unique with the layout and et cetera. So I moved here. Lets see. Need I make an introduction? I can't be bothered. :) Just read thru the first post here. Thank you. Now for my daily rantings.

Confused and untrusting, is how I view myself now. I’m so confused with him that I don’t know if I can even trust him. He says things but he acts out these other things, and it just gets my head in a spin, so confused to even find words to say. Speechless. I’ll always be, until I figure out who he really is. What his story really is. Does he REALLY love me? Is this some sort of love game, that he’s playing? I'm confused, I can't answer these by myself, and yet, as I say so many times, I must. Haha. I can be so paranoid some times.

How many days have gone by that I'm just feeling lonelier and lonelier. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me. I feel so lonely, even though I'm surrounded by all these people who supposedly love me. What is wrong with me? Crowded flesh, yet a lonely heart. No one can cure a broken heart, yet they can help build over the holes. The memories will always be there, yet we can build on those memories, and make something better, and that’s just what I don't have. I don’t have anyone to rebuild my memories. Maybe I do. Maybe I just don't know it.

Pathetic. It's one word yet it means so much. I take pleasure in crying. It's kind of sadistic. Sad, really. It can get so lonely out here, and honestly, I hate it. I can't stand not being able to turn to someone whenever I want. So I turn to the stars. Whenever I feel lonely enough, I'd sit outside, and stare up at the dark night sky. And sometimes there’s no moon, or stars, but it's alright. As I look up at the sky, I feel a little warmer inside, I wonder… maybe, just maybe, someone out there is looking up at the sky and this very moment. And it's comforting to know that maybe I'm not as lonely I think I am. That maybe there’s someone out there as lonely as me.

Alright. Right now, I’m feeling even more lonely… and disappointed. I think tonight might be one of those nights where I sit outside and wonder if there really is someone out there who’s feeling the same way, who’s as lonely as me. Isn’t life a bitch? Seriously, it seemingly is. It just tortures you. Anyway, it's the holidays, and I hope to be getting out more often. I hope people will be able to help me out of this hole. Well, either way, I don't really mind who it 'be allowed to live this holiday, for who was it who said I should have fun while I can, and live while I’ve still got a life? My own mother. Bite me. I feel like killing someone right now. Any volounteers?