Feeling: Alright
Listening to: Sympathy by Red Lipstick Letter


Hahahahahaha.

Oh, the things I find funny.

Feeling: Hissy
Listening to: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

On this rare occasion, I wish you a merry Christmas, though I don't know the meaning of it, I'll join the world in their celebrations simply because I can.

Cheers.

Why are the words never enough? And the timing; it's just too much. Without you here, the days are so lonely, the tears are beyond my control. For you have the voice that speaks to my heart, the eyes that see into my soul. So, don't destroy it. Waste not, want not; that's what they say. And this time, I think you should listen to them.

Weeell.

That was uncalled for. Have a nice day. :]

Hickery dickery dock.

Days till I return: 14

Feeling: Rushed
Listening to: Bury Your Head by Saosin

My brother slammed my finger in the cupboard the other day. I screamed; it hurt. I cried; it bled. Then, I stopped 'cause I realized it was a tiny cut and I'm more bad ass than that. Hahaha.

I wrote this last night before going to bed. You know how moose are; they're crazy and their minds only work when they're not supposed to.

What Is Freedom?
We live in a world where nobody knows your name
and not a thought wonders whether you will make it or not.
The warnings are clear, yet no soul listens;
the gates are closing, yet none will come.
We beg for things we don't know the meaning of;
we suffer for things too complex to understand.
We complain the chains hold us too tightly;
that they cut and bleed and scar.
We argue the boundaries limit us too often;
that they drag and cry and hurt.
We long for liberty; we cry, we shout.
Like babes, we know no other way.
And like a babe, I question, in all honesty and truth,
what is freedom but a state of mind?
What is freedom but an idea?

Call me your valentine.

And if it isn't plain enough to see, I miss you, Mr. Hutchinson.

Feeling: Sad
Listening to: Satellite by Takota

This is a pretty song. It humbles my thoughts and lets me feel my heartbeat stronger than ever, almost as if I could fall asleep without realizing it. And it makes me sad, but it's a good kind of sad; the kind of sad you feel when you're without your soul, but you know it hasn't deceived you, and that it will be back.

Dallase, let me know. If you're there, you need to say so.

I'm leaving tomorrow, and if you still need me to put up the countdown till I leave, then you're kind of dumb. But it's okay, I won't tell. :] (If you feel I'm talking to you, then Days till I leave: 1)

I've started school again. I honestly didn't want to; I wanted to wait until September so as to get the most of what IB has to offer but what's done is done, and I go to ISB now. It's alright, and I have a plan to get through this, so I hope I can be disiplined enough to listen to myself this time, and if I do, I hope my plan works.

Battle of the Bands is tonight. I came home to pack, and when I'm done with that, I'll go back to school with my 'I ♥ MOTA' sticker on, and everyone will think I'm cool.

Haha.

God.

I'm going to miss Hamish. :[

Feeling: Worried
Listening to: All That He Wants by Kill Hannah

I officially graduated on the 25th. I thought it was going to suck because my best friend wouldn't be there, and neither would my boyfriend. I didn't know what was going on, but there was music and dancing, and I don't think I danced. I mean, I did something, but it sure as hell can't be called dancing. That was the first part. The second part was different 'cause that's when Hamish was allowed to come and sit and wait for 2 hours and listen to speeches and watch people cry.

Watching all my schoolmates hug their friends and teachers between tears made me want to cry too 'cause I realized that I didn't have that kind of relationship with many people. I think I was supposed to feel sad about leaving the school and possibly never seeing these people again, but I didn't; I felt awkward and out-of-place. But maybe it's similar to how I deal with death, which all comes down to the fact that I don't know how to handle the concept of 'the end'.

And all he wants is a minute with her, to crash the ball and take her home; to break her heart and tear her clothes; to feel alive, young and terrified.

I made the new layout last night. There are mistakes that I only noticed after I'd done everything, so I hope you don't notice. :]

Days till I leave: 5

Listening to: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New

I'll start off by saying my school, or last school, rather, is racist. I'm serious. The other day, I, along with Far, asked the administration office if we could have our forecast results, and the lady behind the desk said we'd have to write a letter beforehand to get them. Then, today, I went with Aaron, without a letter, and he asked the exact same question but in Chinse, and the lady gave it to us right away. Either I'm a bit paranoid, or the school is fucking racist.

With that said, my results are as I expected; ugly. :p And because I have no shame, and would like all of you to point and laugh at my stupidity, looky looky:

Malay: B
English: A
Mathematics: B
Additional Maths: D
Chemistry: C
Biology: B
Physics: D
Accounts: B

I have nothing to say in my defense. However, I've been wondering how me getting a 70% average for physics makes it a D. A D's not even an O. How do I get an O for chemistry and not for physics? It's a conspiracy against me. It has to be.

My actual results better be a grade higher than those predicted. 'Cause then, you know, I'd have a few A's and no D's, and thus, I'd be able to poke my tongue out at the teachers for predicting wrongly. HEEHEEHEE.

Days till I leave: 8

AHHHHHHHHH.

Sorry. Near heartattack.

Plain White T's is on MTV! TRL to be exact. How strange is that?! I'll tell you how strange; very strange.

Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you.

I'm supposed to be asleep.

I've been having a headache the whole day. It won't go awayyyyy. And it hurts. And I'm sleepy. And I'm hungry. So, I'm going to go eat now.

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Prisoner Of Society by The Living End

I've been losing weight. I now weigh 46KG, which means I lost 3KG. Interesting, isn't it?

I stayed up until 4:26AM last night making the layout for Dented Hearts(I got the name from Cute Is What We Aim For's I Put The 'Metro' In Metronome; I don't break hearts, I just dent them), which is where I'll post all my original stories, 'cause since that whole career-doubting incident, I've been in need of reassurance, and I figured once I get back to writing again, everything'll be okay. Or not. Putting nothing aside, I've been writing bits of my To Be Heartless story, previously called Heartless. It's not finished yet, and frankly, I think I have a long way to go till I can say it's complete. Weee.

Everyone's in love with My Chemical Romance's Welcome To The Black Parade. So, here I am to give you my opinion. I'm in love with the intro, just not a fan of the verses; they remind me too much of Green Day, and if they remind me of another band, chances are they sound like another band, but, as things often are, it may just be me.

I have a problem. I'm flying to New Zealand by myself. But don't be silly, that's not the problem. The problem will come when I've arrived and I'm all alone waiting for my dad to come because as stated by the man himself, "don't be alarmed if I'm not there when you arrive." He may be running late. And I'm a moose, so I'm naturally afraid of these happenings, due to past experiences where I arrived and he wasn't there because he thought I was arriving the next day and now you see how terrified I am. Among other things, me leaving also means I'll be missing my piano recital. And the one time I actually wanted to go. Welfnslfknreg.

29th November marks the date MOTA will perform alongside other bands at D'Anggerek Hotel, and 1st December is when the Battle of the Bands at ISB will be held. Starting times will be 7:30PM and 7:00PM respectively.

Which is better - a not-so-good education with limited social outings over a short period of time, or a fucking awesome education with reasonable social outings over a long period of time? I'm in the middle of the debate, and nobody's listening.

Days till I leave: 10

Feeling: Grr
Listening to: The Leaving Song by AFI

My 'O' level exams are over. And they didn't go as well as I'd planned. I planned on leaving the exam hall after my last exam all happy, but I was just tired. I hadn't slept very well that last exam week, studying until 2AM and waking up spontaneously at 5AM only to realize it's to early may be the cause, and I'd been having repetitive headaches and my nodes were hurting. I'm worried about my English. I'm used to writing stories, but ever since my English teacher started giving me low marks for my stories, I got discouraged, and I wrote a factual essay for my exam. God knows what my results will be like. I could very possibly be shit at factual essays. And that's what worries me. It's very strange; why did I have to go and write that essay? It's about the best and worst aspects of being a teenager for God's sake! Even worse, I still went online and watched TV after my last post, contrary to what I'd ordered myself to do. I went online, but I played mind tricks on myself by pretending I wasn't actually online so I wouldn't feel guilty. So badass, man.

On a completely unrelated subject, as you may or may not know, all those words I erased in previous posts, signified by a [whatever words were here have been removed], were erased because they contained information I found too personal for the internet once re-reading it several times. I'll let you know now that it was about how I felt I had trouble controlling my anger that was often provoked by very minor and stupid things.

A few days ago, I had another anger attack but once I'd calmed down, I realized that what I was feeling was illogical. I got angry because of what was written on a website. But why? There's nothing offensive there. In fact, everything X said about me is good. I got upset for silly reasons such as X having a haircut, X getting a massage, X getting an ear piercing, and things even more stupid. I understood, after the anger attack, that those were dumb reasons. So, why did it make me angry? To make matters worse, I didn't tell X why I was upset, or that I was upset. I actually told X that I was fine when X asked what was wrong because I was acting hostile towards X but for no reason within logic. Again, why?

And then I realized that I was worse as a child. I got angry over such minor things as a thread sticking out on the inside of my socks, or when I changed clothes after swimming in a pool without showering and my body was sticky. On one occasion, my dad, sister and I were playing Monopoly. My sister took some of my dad's money and I got angry. I started shouting and crying, so she grabbed her now bigger pile of money and gave it to my dad. I got even angrier. I had a tantrum and my dad had to hug me, but I wouldn't calm down until everybody quit the game. I somehow felt that by doing what my sister did, she'd ruined the game.

Getting angry over things that minor just seems crazy because it sure as hell is not normal. So, I looked it up and came to this which states "Unexpressed anger can lead to other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on)" and "Easily angered people don't always curse an throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological; there is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age." That's all true for me.

So, then I looked up this passive-aggressive personality disorder thing, and I found that the stupid things that made me angry were related to some of the passive-aggressive traits. Such traits include fear of dependency, fear of competition, fear of intimacy and feeling victimized. Passive-aggressive people tend to be needy, seeking attention and easily angered. They do things that will make loved ones pay attention to them, such as withdraw oneself socially or not eat. Sounds like me.

I don't know much about this psychology business, so I may be completely wrong. I was just moved with how much I agreed with that article about controlling anger. Whether or not I have this personality disorder, I've been learning to control my anger, so that's something to be proud of. Yay. :]

Feeling: Silly
Listening to: Somewhere Else by Razorlight

Don't you hate it when you really want to do something, so you go on your way to start to do it but then you forget what you were going to do, so you stand there, weight on one leg, saying "What the hell was I going to do?" only to receive no reply because nobody's listening or even around, which means you were indeed talking to yourself?

Or maybe it's a problem faced only by underdeveloped moose who've had too many carbonated dreams and sugar-coated painkillers to believe her own ideas, and so, maybe you don't know what I'm talking about and think I'm a weirdo who wears my undies too tight around the ankles. But then again, maybe not, and maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about so this whole paragraph was for no other use than to practice my English/typing skills and to irritate those people who hate wasting time because we're living in a crazy world where everybody thinks they need to go faster because everything just moves so fucking slow. Who knows? I sure don't.

My brother left for New Zealand today. It was so cute watching him disappear behind those big glass doors all by himself, engulfed in whatever emotions he was feeling. He'll be arriving there at midnight our time which means he's got more or less 5 hours and 35 minutes to go.

Also, and this is plainly a remainder to myself, I have not been paying any attention to those rules I set up for myself about not going online when studying is needed. So, please, Sue-Anne, stop being so stubborn and distracted by the pixilated beauty of the computer or television for the next 5 days. You'll thank me later.

Feeling: Squishy
Listening to: Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's

I was going to post this:
Okay. You've probably figured it out by now, but in case you haven't, I'll tell you. I lied. I don't have antlers. And if you've seen pictures of me with antlers; they're fake. I mean, the antlers aren't real. I always wondered what it would be like to have antlers, so I went a little crazy and said things I'd rather you hadn't heard, did things I'd rather you hadn't known about, but all in all, I'm sorry I lied. Mind you, absence of antlers does not mean I am not a moose. Oh, I'm still a moose, just not a male one with antlers, or a female one with antlers, if you will, because they are non-existant. I'm female. And a moose. Without antlers.

But then I thought, "Naaaahhhhhhh." So, instead, I'm going to tell you about the adventure I had today. And boy, did I have an adventure.

See, I woke up at 6:30AM, pealed myself off the couch because yes, I sleep on the couch. The adventure began when I brushed my teeth. WITH TOOTHPASTE. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD. I got excited and did a little dance in the bathroom. Then, I stopped because I stubbed my toe on the toilet and my glasses fell in the bowl which was full of poo because someone took a huge dump and clogged the toilet. So, there I was, my toe throbbing with pain, reaching into the diseased toilet bowl, allowing all horrid stenches to stain me. I retrieved my glasses and threw them out 'cause they were smelly.

After that, I went to the kitchen to make me my next adventure: POACHED EGG AND BEEF SALAMI SANDWICH. AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I was in the process of poaching the egg in the microwave when the machine started making strange sounds. I turned to face the microwave in time to see it explode, burning my hair and skin to a crisp charcoal colour.

I didn't feel like going to school after that. There was no way I was going to face my Biology papers 1 and 2 after all that. My mum wouldn't let me stay at home though. So, I tied her up and brainwashed her using this hypnosis trick I learnt a few days ago. It didn't work. She ended up punching me in the face and stealing my kidneys and replacing them with lollipops.

I called the ambulance, but apparently, I don't know their phone number. I ended up calling the first person listed in the phone book and asking for the ambulance number to which I received inaudible mumblings and then dialtone. A DIALTONE! HOW AWESOME IS THATTTTTTT?

Anyway, a few hours later, after choking on a chicken bone, falling out of a window and fracturing the little toe on my left foot, here I am, chatting with Ardy about worms crawling around in your stomach and how emoticons are creepy.

Don't you just wish you were me?

Disclaimer: Some events mentioned above are fictional and thus, did not actually occur. Do not be misled into believing these silly lies which are clearly attempts to get killed by the local mafia, if only they existed. And you thought this was going to be a well-thought, meaningful post. Let me giggle a little because of that. HEHEHE.

Feeling: Whispered
Listening to: There For You by Flyleaf

I think there's either a virus or spyware on the computer. But more importantly, did you know it is illegal, under the laws of blogging in Brunei, to blog about ill-mannered things directed at the government? If you get caught, the government will shut down your blog, or something worse, but I can't remember what that worse something is so let's go with arrest you and step on your toes with big combat boots for 20 years non-stop.

If you're my stalker and obsessed with me and everything I do, you've probably noticed my antlers finally grew in. :] Feels great; people respect me now. I think it has something to do with the fact that my antlers make me seem taller than I actually am. It's awesome and all, but the strange thing is, female moose don't have antlers.

....

Strange...

But enough of me, here's something to go crazy over:

August Winterman by Dead Poetic
And If I could teach the world to be,
I'd teach them all to be something just like me.
Frustrated, bitter, depressing.

Perfect; as if my wings were like yours,
but I'm falling down.

And if you could hold your tongue long enough,
you'd see that all I am is love, but I don't like me.
I despise me.

Perfect; as if my wings were like yours
but I'm falling down.
Perfect; as if my wings were like yours,
but I'm falling down.

It's a disease they'll never have a cure for.
You're the only way to dry my eyes.
It's a disease they'll never have a cure.
But I'm the one who's wrong. I'm the one who cries.
It's a disease they'll never have a cure for.
It's a disease they'll never have a cure.
But I'm the one who's wrong. I'm the one who cries.

I cry; I despise me.

And why, yes, I do have both of my English exams tomorrow at 8AM till 11:30AM. Thanks for asking.

And of courseeeeee; I am in love with that bushbaby; son of Cheryl and Jamie, grandson of his grandparents, nephew of his aunts and uncles, player of video games, master of guitar, friend of his friends, guitarist of MOTA, reason to wake up smiling, keeper of my heart, part of my soul. How did you know? *Giggles.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca, age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy, age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl, age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy, age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." - Terri, age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny, age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." - Emily, age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," - Bobby, age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle, age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy, age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore," - Cindy, age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." - Clare, age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine, age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is more handsome than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann, age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren, age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." - Karen, age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." - Mark, age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget," - Jessica, age 8

So, that made my day pretty. Then I had to go and watch this fucking video. And shit. It gave me goosebumps. It's what happened to a lady after Hurricane Katrina caused her house to flood. She was wearing the same wet clothes for days and the water was so contaminated that she developed a rash on her breast. It got worse and she finally went to the doctor, and the rest is on the video. If you plan on watching it, let me warn you that if it made me squimish, it could do the same to you. I watched 2 seconds of it and stopped it 'cause I couldn't handle it. But maybe I'm just a chicken who's scared of everything.


God damn.

People and their silly celebrations are evil, and I have proof:


That poor pumpkin, I hope he's in a better place now.

Anyway, happy halloween.

Feeling: Itchy

Before you say anything, this is a new layout, but it is one I didn't make. It was originally made by Deena, who is linked in the 'Thank you' box, but I played around with itsy bitsy parts of the HTML, so most of the credit goes to her. :] This is the first layout I'm using that I didn't make, and this layout's real pretty, and surprisingly, underrated, which is why it's perfect for my first and possibly last layout I use without designing it myself.

And also, I've invented the subsubculture(subsubculture because it is a subculture of a subculture), contrary emo. I discovered this subsubculture that night MOTA got signed with 537 Records because Hamish puked due to excitement and happiness, which, in a way, defines the contrary emo, but not quite, so I'm going to define the term even more. A contrary emo doesn't want to conform with all the other emos by being typically sad and depressing, so instead, he/she is happy, and sometimes, so happy he/she pukes. :] In all other aspects, the contrary emo is alot like the other kinds of emos, because I said so and I haven't gotten that far yet. XD

It'll be the next big thing. You should be a contrary emo, too; they are so cool.

Feeling: Needy
Listening to: No Cigar by Millencolin

I once had a friend, who will remain anonymous and who told me things about Far that he/she said I shouldn't tell her(Far). This certain friend, he/she went away to college, didn't contact us for months, not even when he/she returned to Brunei for holidays, and me and Far both knew there was something wrong with him/her because of all his/her obvious faults. After much deliberation, I told Far what this friend told me about her. In the words of this friend, "My parents don't like Far; they like you better. They don't like her whole family; they think they're weird." Far's face was confusing, so I asked what her expression was about and what do you know, she replied with a "That's the exact same thing she said to me, except about you and your family." It made me wonder what other things he/she had told me that were lies. That certain friend, I thought he/she was, you know, a friend. I even selfishly called him/her a close friend. But that's not the point of this paragraph. The point I'm trying to prove here is that you can never really know who to trust; people can deceive you so easily, but the only thing you can do is close your eyes and hope you made the right decision, and it's that fact that makes life that much more unbearable.

And I think I have split personalities, or just inability to control my emotions when they come. 'Cause they don't come often, but when they do, they come at the most inappropriate of times and it's all so stupid because [whatever words were here have been deleted; I don't need to reveal as much information as was previously entered just to have strange people think I'm crazy, and some things are best left for the imagination]. It makes me have conversations with myself in which I go, "I wonder what it's like to die." and answer, "It's nothing. It's just like going to sleep, only you know you're not going to wake up." Then I start wondering if death is really overrated, and if it actually is nothing.

[I've also edited this part, because in this space were words that had to do with what had been deleted in the paragraph above, so leaving what was here here would make no sense]

Feeling: Stubborn
Listening to: Raining All The Time by Kill Hannah

This song. ♥

She said, "I hate the rain, but here it comes again." There's something in my head, I can't get it off my mind. Since you've been gone, it's raining all the time.

I just thought it was worth mentioning that it's raining right now, and strange enough, on the day Hamish leaves(He's coming back on Tuesday, but 2 nights and 3 days is still a long enough time).

I downloaded Closer because Pete mentioned it in his journal as being far more true than anything he's ever written. So, out of curiosity, I watched it last night, and the things that go on in that movie are scary to think about because it's actually quite fucked up.

A reviewer of the movie said it will intrigue your senses, causing you to examine your own soul; your own convictions, and I have to agree. I also discovered Panic! At The Disco got the name of two of their songs from this movie(Evident by Alice, who is a stripper, when she says, "Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do.") And Goddammit, why does Jude Law always have to play a character I hate?

I'm not supposed to be online or posting because I promised myself I wouldn't allow silly distractions like computers and TVs to get in the way of my much needed studies, but I figured extremely cool news could be an exception. And this is pretty cool news. To MOTA fans, anyway(And if you don't know who MOTA is, slap yourself).

They got offered a record deal with 537 Records, home of Airholes, Incisive and Wan Long Kok. Pretty fucking sweet, ey. :]

Yeah. That's all. I'm really tired and I have to wake up at 7.

(I was kidding about the slapping of yourself if you don't know about MOTA, all you have to do is click here or here. But if you actually slapped yourself, HAHAHAHAHA. Dumbass)

Feeling: Giggly
Listening to: Moment Of Weakness by Bif Naked



Hahahaha. It's an otter, and this picture's just so funny.

Feeling: In danger
Listening to: Poison by My American Heart

I finally have all my results back for first and second trials. And to my surprise, I got 100% for all of them.

I'm joking. And you must be sick of all my jokes. Haha. But to make up for it, here are my real results. That are actually really sucky.

Subject	First trial	Second trial
Biology	1: 57.5%, 2: 52.5%, 3: 57.5%	1: 77.5%, 2: 64%, 3: 77.5%
Physics	1: 42.5%, 2: 32.6%, 3: 96.6%	1: 72.%, 2: 62%, 3: 86.7%
Chemistry	1: 55%, 2: 52.5%,3:	1: 70%, 2: 59.4%, 3: 73.8%
Malay	1: 63%, 2: 68.5%	1: 88%, 2: 76.5%
English	1: 72%, 2: 74%	1: 73%, 2: 76%
Add. Maths	1: 52.5%, 2: 18%	1: 25%, 2: 41.3%
Accounts	1: 60%, 2: 59%	1: 75%, 2: 74%
Maths	1: 61.25%, 2: 65%	1: 61%, 2: 72%

Told you. Sucky. But look at my Malay. Hahah. My teacher's crazy.

Oh, God. Now I'm panicking. This is the real O Level exam tomorrow. What the hell am I doing aimlessly wandering around the internet like I have nothing better to do while my body is slowly telling me it needs more rest than I give it? *slap. *slap. *slap.

Feeling: Insecure
Listening to: Swing Life Away by Rise Against

Survey #1

1. Do you know anyone's friendster password? * Yes, I do. All part of the take-over-the-world plan I've mentioned too many times to actually work. 2. Do you think your love life right now will last long? * That depends on your definition of 'long'. Forever seems a long time to me. What do you think? 3. Are you an emotional person? * I suppose. Not so much externally, but shut up. Don't we all have emotions and thus, aren't we all emotional? 4. If you had one last breath to say something to someone you love what would you say? * "Ellooooooooooo, this is my one last breath, so you should know what's coming. Hold me nowww, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking, "Maybe six feet ain't so far down."" 5. Do you believe in love at first sight? * I actually don't believe you can fall in love with a person with one glance. I mean, love is a big word, one glance is a small action, what could happen? 6. Ever felt jealous of your friend? * I guess a little bit of me is always jealous. You know, that familiar feeling that takes hold of you when you wish you had it as good as your friend. 7.What was the last thing you did? * Milked the cow. Really. I have a cow. That I milk. Outside, of course. Unless it's dinner time. Then, I do it inside the house, and we all get milkshakes! 8. Who is right next to you? * I won't say "no one" 'cause there very well may be someone sitting right beside me at this very moment. I just can't see them without my invisible-people-seeing goggles. :] 9. Who was the last person you ate with? * Actually ate? Or watched eat? I actually ate with Far, but I watched my brother eat later on. 10. How many times has your page been viewed? * What page? I have many pages. 11. How's the weather right now? * Cool. I don't know. I'm not outside and I don't plan to go outside because I'm doing that thing where I sit in my living room without any pants on. Force of habit. Don't blame me. 12.Last person you called? * Wowwwww. I don't remember. Must have been ages ago. 13. Last person who called you? * The evil monster called Benjamin. 14. Last song you sang? * Situations by Escape The Fate. 15. Last time you danced? * I don't dance. And if you ever think you saw me dance, shhhhh. It wasn't me. 16. Lost a friendship over something stupid? * No. I lose friendships over really big things such as missing shoelaces and feelings. 17. Smoke? * Ah, fuck. The cow caught fire again. 18. Last thing you ate? * Apple strudle. I have some left, do you want any? 19. Been really depressed before? * No fucking shit. Yes, my answers make no sense. 20. Faked being sick to miss school? * Ah, I've pretended to be sicker than I actually was. :] 'Cause I was feeling like shit when I went to bed, but when I woke up, I was all better and I just didn't feel like going to school so I pretended I was still sick. If I didn't do that, I may have died at school. Think about it. 21. What time did you wake up today? * 6:25AM. 22. Last person you did an activity with? * Wow. You suck. 23. Do you like the person who posted this? * Mmmmmmmmyeah. I don't know her well. She used to go to my school, then she went to do IB and now, we don't talk exactly, me being the anti-social that I am. Hee hee hee. 24. What are you wearing right now? * Hahahaha. Funny you should ask. I'm wearing no pants, undergarments and a t-shirt. 25. Are you too shy to ask someone out? * I don't need to ask anyone out. Well, that's what I tell myself just to get over the fear. 26. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? * Their eye flicky thing. Hahah. ♥ 27. Where are you now? * At home. In the living room. On a chair. That's really hard and uncomfortable. 28. What date and day is it? * October 16th, 2006. Mondayyyy. 29. Did you go somewhere yesterday? * To the Aman complex. 30. What did you do there? * Good question. What did I do there? Hmmm. I'll get back to you on that one. 31. How old are you? * Enam belas tahun. 32. What color is your underwear? * Grey. Anyone could have guessed it. 33. Do you act mature or immature? * I don't act. I am. I be. I wachaaaaaaa. 34. What do you call your mom and dad? * Mum and dad. Haha. 35. Are you an only child? * Horses go "neigh." 36. Where do you go shopping? * Wherever the shopping is. Hahaha. 37. Do you like your school? * I'm meltingggggggg. 38. Do you like books? * Meltingggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. 39. Do you want to get married? * Yes. :] But I am already, so, go fish. 40. To whom? * The one that makes me go "Eeee." Whoa. Moose make weird noises.

Survey #2

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel? * I've never answered a survey properly, and I think it's time. It really depends on what their feelings are. Hahah. Oh, I ruined the question. :[ I'll try in the next one. 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? * Hmm. I don't actually know why I got so angry, it may have been because I felt forgotten, but then again, I have an anger management problem that I hate and need to control. 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? * Ooh, I want it to be like the movies. I'd call Hamish and tell him I love him. Then, if I don't survive the crash, at least I left the world on that note, and if I live, at least he knows I love him. 4. You are at the doctor's office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? * Yeah, I think my friends and family deserve to know. I'd spend my remaining days doing things I've always wanted to do like running around Jerudong Park naked or meeting Atreyu or something, with my loved ones. And yes, fear would have it's best of me when I realize once I'm dead, I'm gone. And it's a scary thing to be gone. 5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Love or Trust? Why? * Love is built on trust, so I pick trust. 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? * In my world, I would have left my house a little earlier than I was supposed to, so I'd have enough time to save the doggy that somehow managed to get into the canal. 7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not? * O_O That's a mean thing to say. But yes, I'd tell him. 'Cause like I said, love is built on trust. 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say? * I'd sit down with her and tell her I'm in love with Hamish and that I appreciate her having the courage to tell me her feelings, 'cause I know it's not easy to do, but sadly, I don't think I'm a lesbian. :p 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? * I know I can be unbearable at times, but friends are people who know you exremely well(i.e. knows your perfections and your flaws), but still likes you. As narcsisstic it is to say "yes", I'm going to say "I guess so." I mean, I can't be that bad of a friend. 11. Does love = sex? * No, it doesnt, and I will prove it to you with the magic of mathematics. If you use that equation, it also means "love - sex = 0" and "sex - love = 0", and as you can see, they both equal zero, so, no, it doesn't. 12. Wheres 12? * I don't know any 12. 13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? * Respectively, today, Hamish, and I didn't have to tell, I wanted to. It was about my mum not wanting to take care of me anymore. 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back? * Exposing your true emotions is a hard thing to do, and although both of them involve the exposing of emotions, I'd say telling a friend I love them is harder for me to do as it involves the showing of more intense feelings. 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing(s) for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? * Hamish, and I know he's not a thing, but he'd be hard to lose 'cause he's that something that makes every day bearable. 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you? * The only person I can remember saying it to is Yu Foong. Haha. He's my friend; the guy who made me want to cry on my birthday because of the simple gesture he made that nobody else would have noticed. 18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? * Hamish or Far. :] 19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? * Yes, if CPR is what they need. Why? Homeless person. He/She is still a person, and the right to live is one of the basic human rights. 21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your reason for making the decision? * Why am I holding on the the hand of a newborn I do not know? Strange. Anyway, I'd save the baby 'cause I'm mean and I guess the baby deserves to live longer than it already has. 22. Are you old fashioned? * In some ways, no. 23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? * I don't usually expect things in return because I don't want to disappoint myself, and by not expecting anything, I allow myself to be pleased if I happen to get the unexpected, if anything. 24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? * There's such a thing as true love breaking a heart? Wow. I've been living life by false facts. Despite that, I choose the first, because after my heart is broken, I can heal, learn and love again, whereas the other choice says I'd never love at all, and that would suck. 25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? * Have telekinetic powers, or take over the world. Yes, I got tired of thinking.

Yeah, yeah. I know, Biology practical tomorrow.

Feeling: Restless
Listening to: A World So Cold by Mudvayne

MOTA's review for playing at D'Anggerek Hotel last month is up at BruBands, if you're desperate to know how they play live. :]

Exams are just around the corner and I can't sit down and study because I'm too excited about everything that's going to happen after the exams. I'm not sure if that's healthy. Eep.

And 'cause I'm an advertising bitch, click.

I love the way the slightest scent of you drives me crazy. ♥

Feeling: Desperate
Listening to: Dying In Your Arms by Trivium

Trivium released their new album today and you know what sucks about it? They were giving away free tickets to their show at Nokia Theatre tonight for all those who bought their album from Virgin Megastore in New York fast enough. FREE TICKETS. TRIVIUM. It's times like these I wish I was in America. And I knew there was something funny about his appearance; Matt Heafy's Amerasian. Haha. I just found that out.

Monday, at school, Brunei permanent residents were asked to have blood tests, which means the extracting of blood with injections, which means long pointy needles piercing our skin and forcing blood out of our body, which means the government will have little vials of all their country's PRs' blood, which means they have found their way of keeping track of us and eventually cloning us, stealing our identity and robbing us of all we have, which means I sure as hell was not going to go through with it, which means, I am indeed a Brunei PR, if you didn't already know. I'm kidding. About the government and cloning and theiving; the rest is as true as I am a moose. And I am a moose. All of this means that I somehow avoided going with the rest of the PRs, doesn't it? And that's exactly what I did. :] I stayed in class with the non-PRs and pretended I didn't know what was going on. And do you know why I did it? It is because I am evil and I am not going to surrender my blood to the literally blood-sucking government. I'm kidding again. Far was telling me about how they have big bags for all the blood they take away and that it's connected to your vein with a tube and if that bag fell over, it would make a big mess. So, basically, it's Far's fault I "didn't know what was going on" and stayed in class. Not mine; I am but an innocent child. The PRs came back to class with little pieces of tissues over their index fingers, which I guess means they got their fingers pricked with needles because they were naughty and climbing over fences, or that they were cut and had some blood squeezed out of them for the government. Guess I was wrong about the injections and the vials and the tubes and the bags.

Hahaha. Sorry, government. I have nothing against you. Please don't take any of this seriously. I don't really think you want our blood for freaky science experiments carried out to prove the existance of intelligent lifeforms on other planets. Or do I? Oh, the mystery; how it must hurt.

People keep complaining about how much Beta Blogger is errored. As if they don't know you can use Beta Blogger the same as you would the plain old Blogger. You don't have to use their special layout designers or their fancy post publishers; you can still do it all the old school way, with HTML. That's what I do, and it's been fine. The way I see it, I'd only try out that layout designer thing when all the bugs have been sorted out and it has become an official blogging service, not just a beta version, but other than that, I don't see anything wrong with using Beta Blogger instead of the old version. I like how the dashboard's arranged, and how everything's all organized and easy to access. :D Woo. Nerd talk. Sexy.

Feeling: Hmm
Listening to: Angels by Within Temptation

There are times when all I want to do is sit outside in the rain and forget about everything that's happening, like all this never existed, as if it were a dream I've woken up from, and all things are really beautiful and pure. Then I realize that not everything can be pretty, and there are times when nothing seems to be, but some things are. And they are truly amazing. If you're lucky enough to know these some things, my heart goes out to you. But if you have yet to discover why there is evil in the world, fear not, for your time will come; you'll see it when you're meant to. Haha. This all goes with my belief that all things balance out, and that things may seem bad at the moment they're going on, but in the end, you'll see that if those bad things hadn't happened, none of the good would exist. It's hard to explain really, maybe if I said "If you didn't feel sadness, you wouldn't know how good happiness feels." you'll understand better.

Note: These some things can be anything - a person, a hobby.

This is only my 263rd post. I'm sleepy. Good morning, late sleepers.

High school days left: 2

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Learning To Fall by Boys Like Girls

If you've ever been inside my house and looked into the little corner of the living room next to the piano that I call my office, you'd have noticed that there are books and sheets of paper all over the floor, on my desk, on the piano chair, and occasionally, on the piano score holder, because I never fail to point it out and frankly, it's hard to miss. Anyone would have to be a reaaallly lazy procrastinator to be as untidy as me, and well, I am, because whenever I study, I take my books out and never put them back, when I come home from school with notes and test papers, I put them on the floor. When that paper pile gets too high, I make another pile, which only leads to more piles and really, it's so much work to put things back where they belong when you take them out, and to find places to put your sheets of paper that you may or may not need.

Anywayyy, today, I tidied up my office! I had a sudden must clean moment and before I knew it, I was sorting out all the papers, putting them into piles, putting them away, and placing my books on shelves. And in an hour or two, it was done. I had performed the tedious task that I had refused to do so many times before because of sheer slothfulness, and yes, I was proud of myself. The only things left to tidy up are my clothes pile and my bedroom).

Hahaha. It sounds like I'm going "Yup, I'm lazy. Be jealous." But I'm not. I am greatly ashamed of my behaviour. :D And poor you, you have no idea if I'm being sarcastic or not.

I made a miscalculation with my counting of the number of high school days I have left. I didn't know that we had no school on Tuesday. And I guess that means I didn't miscalculate; I made the correct calculations, just with the wrong information. So, I'm not dumb and lazy after all! Just lazy. :D Yay. Taking away Tuesday from the number of days left means only one thing...

High school days left: 4

The last 40 seconds of this song is nice, but the rest is kind of bumpy. Reminds me of Superman (It's Not Easy) by Five For Fighting, but that may just be me and my mooseyness.

Feeling: Whispered
Listening to: The Ransom by Escape The Fate

Oh, God. It's happened. The time has finally come for me to be, once again, unsure about my future career. I was pretty confident I wanted to indulge in mass communications, and my most favoured area of the subject was journalism, which could further be divided between freelance and music journalism. But hell, there are so many elements shouting at me; pulling at my hair; telling me that I'm looking in the wrong direction.

The first element is my English teacher. I don't know, either my English teacher this year has a different way of marking essays then all my previous teachers, or my writing skills have completely disintegrated. Before this year, I could easily get As for my work. But now, my grades range between 60-90%. Something is very wrong. The thing about this teacher is that she unnecessarily deducts marks. On several occassions, she said that the word I used was wrong, either with spelling or grammar, but I showed her a bloody dictionary which instantly proved the word I used was indeed correct and used in the correct way, and her excuse for her mistake is that she couldn't read my handwriting, which is strange because everybody else could. And to make matters worse, she's stubborn. So, even after showing her she was wrong, she didn't compensate at all, and my marks remained the same. On another account, which I mentioned earlier this year, she marked my correct answer wrong, so I told her, and instead of apologizing and adding the missing marks, she accused me of cheating because how could she have missed it when it's written so clear. :[ At first, I took this as a hint that she's going through menopause. But now, I seriously think she has something against me. Or maybe I'm just paranoid because my dreams are being questioned and the career plan I had trusted in so well is proving itself faulty.

The second element is that there are so many good writers out there that I'm doubting I will even be noticed. I write best when I passionately love the topic, which is why I decided to become a music journalist and as the title suggests, write about music, as well as freelance, 'cause they say you need variation and I believe them. I'd have to have a specific style of writing, and I'm not sure if I have that. I used to believe I did, until of course, I was promoted to the fifth form.

The other elements consist of bits and pieces of things lost and returned, forgotten and remembered, loved and hated, and everything in between. For example, the fact that I have grown a fondness for biology. But I don't know if I adore it enough to make it a living. I'm so scared of making the wrong decisions, wasting thousands of dollars, and having it all end tragically with people in tears and blood and sweat and I exaggerate, but anything's possible.

"Never let a person make you believe that you're not good enough for what you want." It's from a movie, but I don't know what movie. It's stored with all my lines from movies I don't know the name of, or couldn't describe a scene from; I only know I watched it once upon a time. And I bring this line out every now and then when I need some reassurance on what I think I want.

Blogger has finally decided to let me try out their Beta version(they're slowly allowing more members to try it out, and eventually everyone will get the chance); it's actually pretty nice. And just to let you know, 'cause it seems that many of you don't, if you want to be linked, go to the mothersite(which isn't looking it's best at the moment), because I'm not going to have a link page on Broken Smile. Thought you would have figured it out by now.

Feeling: Sleepy
Listening to: Thing Of The Past by Gerhana Skacinta

First, I'm going to announce the obvious: I changed the layout again! It was annoying the hell out of me. I couldn't stand to look at it. And so, I made a new one, and this one has an even smaller reading area. Eeeeee.

Plus, I've been designing stuff lately, which is why I had an excuse to design a layout; if that's what you call it - designing. I can't tell you what I've been designing though, 'cause it's a secret. Haha. Only Lynz knows, and whoever takes my Friendster testimonials seriously. :]

High school days left: 8

Feeling: Happy
Listening to: The Virus by Wan Long Kok

As promised, the previous entry has been deleted. The internet is no place for posts that are too personal, as was the one I deleted. It was up for 4 and a half hours, so if you managed to read it before the big kapoof, then congratulations; a part of my emotions that I don't explain to many people is with you.

Feeling: Alone
Listening to: Me And The Moon by Something Corporate

I had my last second trial exam today and that means I only have 9 more days of high school left(That's right; 9 more days of high school left),but sadly, now, I have things worse than trial exams and school days to worry about. Like my 'O' level exams, and my hair that I got cut today that looked relatively bad after they blow-dried it because you know how straight hair looks shit on me, but now that I run it under the shower, it's alright and you probably can't tell I cut it, despite the fact that I cut 4 inches off. Yes, I know. Oh, me God, 4 INCHES. Hahaha. Sarcasism, my darling.

Finishing school at 10:40AM, not getting any replies to text messages, and finally getting picked up at 1PM is not cool. And speaking of not cool things, my cousin is a bastard. There's this old lady who walks along the road near school and tries to sell vegetables to the people that have stopped their cars because of a red traffic light, yeah? Well, today, my cousin got the red traffic light and he saw the old lady and he said "Oh, no, old lady. Quick! Roll the windows up! Turn the music up really loud." And and, it's just really mean. 'Cause matter of a factly, that could very well be him. One day, his daddy will leave this dimension and he could lose all that money, them he would be in her position. It could even be me. And if it was me, I'd think he was a bastard for doing that to me, when all I want to do is live. Or maybe she uses the money to take care of her grandchildren whose parents aren't here, or something like that. The possibilites are endless and my cousin's a big asshole.

Haha. Okay, nobody cares.

I made a new layout and as you can see, has a really small reading area which I'm regretting right now. It's tiny, which isn't suitable for my stupidly long posts with huge-ass paragraphs. I don't think people like reading lots of words from tiny spaces either. But yes, this layout doesn't look as bad as the last one did in Mozilla. Yay for that. Boo for the fact that it looks like mess.

There's a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely, just like there's a difference between friends and people you say 'hi' to. And sometimes, I wish reality would just fuck off.

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Bellybutton Queen by Zuckerbaby

My body's been acting really weird lately, since Saturday. Like today for example. I had a really bad tummyache during tuition, and at first, I didn't want to be a sissy and succumb to the evil porcelain master, so I sat there clutching my belly with a frown on my face. Eventually though, the pain was just too recurring and too much to handle that I had no choice but to egest. :D Then, I went back to the classroom and half-puked. Half-puke being the puke came up to the back of my throat, then I swallowed it 'cause I was sitting in front of the teacher or something and man, puke tastes awful. And now my tummy is literally vibrating, and all I can say is, "What the hell is going on in there?" Adding to the mystery of my illness, my eyes look really droopy to me and my body temperature's higher than what I'd say is normal and why am I even typing this all down like it matters? Hahahahaha. Okay, I know. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.

I have a creaky obsession with this strong. Hahahahaha. That's a real typo, by the way. See what my sickness is doing to me? I'm going crazy. And blind. But that's not important. What I meant to say was that I have a creepy obsession with this song. Not creaky and not strong. That just makes no sense. And you know me. I, under normal circumstances, always make sense. :D

I want to be every raindrop tasted by you.

Men who wear tight pants tend to have lower sperm counts or lower numbers of healthy, viable sperm. It says so in my 'O' Level Biology Key Points book, page 291.

Back to that typo I made earlier. It reminds me of this conversation I had online yesterday that looked like this:
ME: You're crazy. And going insane.
ME: Wait.
ME: Hahahahaha.
ME: That's the same thing.
Told you. I'm losing my mind, and not at all slowly. It's all happening quite fast actually. Scary. Like swimming in the deep part of the ocean or walking back home alone in the dark.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow because it's just teachers' day celebration and they'll most likely have the same group of people dancing and singing as they always have. And on top of that, I'm not under appropriate mental condition for this.

I realized the other day that Broken Smile looks like shit on Mozilla, so I was urged to make a new layout and I almost had it done but I couldn't find nice enough lyrics to feature so I got rid of it. Haha.

Oh, yeah. The next thing I am about to tell you is the main reason why I wanted to post something today, and I nearly forgot all about it. You know how I said my school's 'O' level exams weren't going to be held in the school itself because of construction and that we'd probably take the papers in the streets 'cause they're cheap like that? Well, I was wrong. We're going to have them at the Riverview Hotel. I guess it's kind of cool sitting down, making your future with a piece of paper at a hotel, instead of school. I wonder if I can trick the staff into giving me free food. Or drinks. Either one will do. :] Hehehehe. I feel the evilness inside begging to be let free, and you know, I guess it's about time. I mean, for the sake of free food. Here you go, evilness. You're freeeeeeeeee.

Feeling: Yucky
Listening to: Plug In Baby by Muse

I have a sore throat. :[ And I'm sweaty, which makes me uncomfortable. And now my rose is runny. Ewww.

I think I'm sick. This morning I had this uncontrollable over-production of phlegm at the back of my throat; I had to spit it out several times 'cause it's gross if I swallow, and now I'm extremely tired, which only makes me think I'm even more sick.

And I think I'm going to do better for second trial exams than the first, except for add maths, of course; second trial add maths was just inhumane, but the rest was pretty humane, I'd say.

Two nights ago, I had another one of those urges to type down words and phrases that were forming in my head, and I ended up with this(It makes me giggle, so if it makes you giggle, too, then, it's okay):
Break
Hearts weren't meant to be broken -
this is the one fact that you thought you knew.
You understand it brings the pain that hangs onto your subconscious,
unsuccessfully begging to take your life away,
when you know all too well what is real;
when everything disappears into the blackness of your mind,
and nothing ever feels the way it used to.
It reflects in your eyes as I stare,
and I realize it's true what they say;
eyes are mirrors that see into your soul,
like a kiss is a silent conversation
that reveals everything and nothing at the same time,
rendering you pathetic as you try to remain a mystery.
But nothing ever stays that way,
for in the end, all things balance out,
and you fathom why some horrors had to happen,
why some friendships had to be forgotten,
and why some successes had to fail.
At last, it becomes clear, and you can make sense out of it;
you comprehend that nothing is as it seems,
and that there comes a time when all a heart can do is break, and be broken.

See you later, alligator. I was going to let this post end abruptly after that poem, like I usually do, but that seemed typically me, so this time, I decided to give you some kind of warning before I clicked the 'Publish' button(Not that I'm actually going to see you later, or that you're a real alligator, but yeah, be happy. :]).

Feeling: Like a crybaby
Listening to: Third Measurement in C by Saosin

I'm currently using the laptop in the bathroom and despite it being daytime, it's pretty dark. I can't read the letters on the keys because the light from the screen is too bright. Haha. Anyway, what the hell am I doing in the bathroom? I believe it's because My grandmother just went on another one of her psycho-sprees. I was in my uncle's room, 'cause his aircon works and mine doesn't, and she opened the door and started saying random insults, then she came in and started hitting me with a shoe and telling me to get out of the house because the Devil is waiting for me. It's when she's shouting at me and holding a weapon(or shoe) up in the air to hit me that I notice all the red rings around her eyes. I grabbed the laptop and went into my room, locked the door, went into my bathroom and locked that door and started crying 'cause everytime she loses her sanity on me, I turn into a crybaby, then I snap out of it because I realize how pathetic it really is. A few minutes later, I heard the bedroom door handle being tried, and then unlocked. The shuffling of feet, then a bang sound followed by an 'ai ya' and the bathroom door being tried, but this is the only door to which she doesn't have the key, so she can't get in and I'm safe from any weapon-bearing old lady(no matter what object the weapon is). Then she turned off the light, which is why I'm sitting in the dark. My grandmother's scary and I feel like I'm in a horror movie. And I want to shower, but my towel is in the bedroom and she may be in there. So, I guess I'll just sit here until the laptop battery dies, and seeing as it has 1:49 hours left; I may be here for a while.

And last night, she said this to me: "Tidak ada ibu. Tidak ada bapa. Siapa punya anak ini? Anak orang celaka." :[

And I thought I was evil.

Feeling: Stupid

All my music files from Righto are on Lefto now, and it seems that in the process, some of my songs got deleted by accident or something. :[ That's just plain not nice.

People who try to make 'floor' rhyme with 'low' are just down-right kapoofy. :p Those words weren't meant to rhyme; don't force it. Making 'floor' sounds like 'flow' isn't cool. It's a disgrace to the English language. Tsk tsk tsk. Yes, you know who you are. *Gives you the evil eye.

Mota have new music up; studio versions. And if you've noticed, there is now a little crossbone and skull thing down in the left corner(That is, if you have the Wingdings font on your computer. If not, then it will just be a 'N', which is gay). That will take you to their purevolume account(Someone specially requested me to put up their link and seeing as I don't have a link page and that I am Mota-vated(HEHE)...), too. :]

My second trial exams have started, by the way. And my 'O' level Malay oral exam is on Wednesday.

And and and I'm sorry I'm evil. I don't mean to be; I was just born inside out. To a certain bushbaby: *tickle tickle.

Feeling: Evil

Today, I woke up and both eyes were screaming with pain. And they were extremely sensitive to sunlight; I had to squint like crazy during breaktime when I was on my way to the canteen. And I found out about 20 minutes ago why this is so: my cornea is cut because it's dry because of my contact lenses. You know what that means, right?

I'M GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE.

Well, not yet, and not because of my eyes' current condition, but one day I will.

Anyway, back to my eyes.

Yeah.

That's about it.

I've got tears running down the left side of my face because my left eye is in so much fucking pain, it cries. It's very strange. And it's a here-one-minute-gone-the-next kind of thing, so it's not only strange, but bloody annoying. I don't even know how to describe the pain; it's like no other. Reminds me of the days when basically everything revolved around physical pain; not inflicted on me by other people, but just because that's the way things were.

Recently, the computer I usually use(which I will hereafter call Righto) has been crashing because of insufficient memory, which I suppose has to do with all of my music and video files that I've illegally and legally downloaded. :D So, I started using the other computer(which I will hereafter call Lefto), and I discovered it has tons of free memory! That's when I got the brilliant idea to store all of my memory-corrupting files on Lefto, seeing as more people use Righto as it's connected to the printer(and don't ask my why I don't just connect the printer to Lefto 'cause I just don't want to go over this again) and it's cool 'cause when it shuts down it says "It's about time. Why don't you go outside or something? NERD(and that, my friend, is badass)." I'm doing this the stupid way though - putting the files from Righto on my pendrive, emptying my pendrive into Lefto, and repeating the process. Imagine me switching from Righto to Lefto and back again every 5 minutes; that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm nearly finished with all of the music files; I've got about 1,215 songs and 95 videos left to transfer. Hahaha. Oh, yeah. I'm nearly there.

I'm tired. Very tired. Squinty-eyed tired. I've been tired since 10AM. Come to think of it, that may be why my eye hurts. Hmm.

Feeling: Wobbly
Listening to: Oh Sweet Promise by the Bleeding Alarm



Hahahahah.

Click's tagboard states:

mmp spokesperson: whoa wat a show by lyp d other nyt!! keep it up man!! mota came close..got 2nd..also a gud start 4 new recruited bands falling for summer n autumn freeze..not forgetting trisera n ctf,great show guys!! LYP & MOTA I wanna book u guys 4d next event..hehehehe booking ah na ku kira
lyp: LYP is up for it :D. and yes, playing with MOTA will be awesome. theyre the only band manage to get people to headbang hehehehe!!! and we need that!

Hehe. Ahh, such a groupie am I.

Feeling: In love
Listening to: Boys and Girls by Kill Hannah

I'm not wearing any pants. Weeeee.

It's hot here; that's all.

For reasons I don't understand, I like this song. I think Kill Hannah are more bearable than Panic! At The Disco, from what I've heard. Panic! is just too wordy for me.

Boys and girls, they dance like it's the end of the world. Boys and girls, they dance, dance, dance.

I was walking around the back of my house 'cause I had to knock on my mother's bedroom window so I could get inside, and I remembered this time when I was more or less 8 years old. I'd just recently learnt how to make flower arrangements, and so, seeing as my house was/is practically and literally a flower nursery, I decided to make me my own flower arrangement. So, late at night, when I was alone, I went outside and stole one of those green foamy things that they make flower arrangements with, and then I went looking for pretty flowers to use. I made my arrangement and put it somewhere in my room, my (insane) grandmother found it, and she got really angry at me. Now that I think of it, I don't know why she got so mad. I guess it's 'cause she's crazy and 'cause I picked flowers from her plants. Anyway, I made her some cookies to show I was sorry, but my grandmother is scary and I was too scared to give them to her so I ended up eating them myself. :]

There was also a time when I was leaving to New Zealand, as I do. I was just about to leave to go to the airport when my mum told me to give my grandmother a hug. So, I put my arms out to hug her, and contrary to what I expected, she got angry and shouted at me. From then on, I decided I wouldn't give her anymore hugs. Hahaha.

And to run off topic, let me say that yes, he is an indubitable asshole; I strongly dislike him. In fact, I've always disliked him. I'm sorry you had to meet him. 104 days. ♥

Feeling: Excited
Listening to: Holy Diver by Killswitch Engage

I was supposed to put this up on Wednesday, but Blogger was having PMS and decided not to let me, so here you go; a late post:
I have to agree with click; Mota was fucking amazing last night(as the audience can obediently confirm)! ♥ They get to perform with Trisera, LYP and other bands that I've never heard of again tonight at the Holiday Lodge at 8PM. So, you're coming, yes? :]

I got my 'O' level timetable today. Those things are scary. Gives me reason to believe that this is actually happening; everything I worked so hard for for the past 2 years is going to be over and meaningless(not that I worked hard though, 'I' is the name of the example XD). Woohoo.

This is, however, the least of my worries as I have more stupid things to sort out, like tidying up my room so I can find the location of my IC before my Malay oral exam on the 20th of September.

I'm going to google for "Where is my IC?" 'cause I'm a moose and moose are allowed to do that.

This girl took a picture of herself everyday for 3 years. There was a guy who did it for 6 years, but the video's too long and it got boring after a while which is why I'm posting this up instead of that:


I just got the results of my IC google and wow, that was a waste of time. I seriously expected it to say "In the second drawer of your messy desk, under the pens in the little basket, where you left it, dumbass." but no, Google hates me.

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Departure by Trivium

Survey #1

FIVE YEARS AGO...2001 How old were you?: + 11. Hehehehehehehe. Where did you go to school?: + Same place I'm studying now, sadly. Where did you work?: + Alone in the darkness of my bedroom with my barbie dolls, cigarettes and imaginary friends. Hahaha. Nah, I'm kidding. I didn't have any imaginary friends. Even the non-existant didn't want to befriend me. Where did you live?: + Ah, same place I currently live at. Where did you hang out?: + As the third question suggests, in my bedroom, or at my friends' houses. How was your hair style?: + Hmm. Shoulder-length and more curly than it is now. Did you wear braces?: + No. Did you wear glasses?: + Yes. Rawr. Who was your best friend?: + Far. :p Who was your regular-person crush?: + Some guy I probably won't remember in 20 years. Who was your celebrity crush?: + Umm. Jacob Underwood. You don't know who he is. Good. How many tattoos did you have?: + Whoah. Uncountable. I had so many. Stick-on ones. 'Cause they're the coolest. How many piercings did you have?: + 2, like every other conformist girl. :] Hahaha. I said "Conformist." What car did you drive?: + Hmmmmmm. What was your favorite band/group?: + The Offspring and Papa Roach. That's all I'm saying 'cause the rest is just shameful. :p What was your worst fear? + My grandmother. Had you smoked a cigarette yet?: + Yeah. Had you driven yet?: + Yes. If you count steering while someone else's foot is on the accelerator as driving. Had you been arrested?: + Nay. Had you been to a real party yet?: + Real party. What is a real party? I am unfamiliar with this phrase. Had your heart broken?: + I was too naive to recognize a broken heart from a fixed one. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: + Single and bitter. I was a very bitter child, to tell you the truth. :] September 2006 How old are you?: + 16. Oh, my God, I know. I'm old. What grade are you in?: + Form five. You figure out the year equavalent yourself. Where do you go to school?: + Guess, please. I'm sick of repeating the answer to this question in other surveys. Where do you work?: + Santa's workshop with all the little elves making christmas presents for all the good boys and girls. Where do you live?: + North pole. With Santa. It's cool. Literally. Where do you hang out?: + At all my elf friends' houses, and my favourite - Santa's house! Hohoho. Do you have braces?: + No. Meow. Do you wear glasses?: + Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Who is your best friend?: + Still Far. Still talk to any of your old friends?: + Yeah. If you call them friends. :] Who is your celebrity crush?: + Hamish's a pretty big celebrity, you know. :p How many piercings do you have: + 3. Whoaaahhhhhh. Badass. How many tattoos?: + Quite a few. Thank you, Hamish. What kind of car do you have?: + The coolest one you'll ever see. My very own wheelbarrow! :D What is your favorite band/group?: + >=] Here we go. Atreyu, From Autumn To Ashes, Funeral For A Friend, Taking Back Sunday, Stutterfly, Dead Poetic, Senses Fail, Silverstein = bands that I absolutely love. There's more, of course, I just don't feel like telling you. What is your biggest fear: + Dying alone, or dying and no one knowing about it. Swimming in the deep part of the ocean. They're all scary. Have you been arrested since?: + No. :] I got to ride in a police car once though. Has your heart been broken?: + Over and over again. But mostly by the same person. Cunt. Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: + I'm illegally married. Shhh.

Survey #2

+RED+ Closest red thing to you? - The blood dripping down my leg from the cut I accidentally gave myself. Last thing that make you angry? - The fact that I was lying on the floor, cold, with nothing but tears and angry music to console myself. I'm kidding, of course. :] Do you have a temper? - Yes. I'm sure it's around here somewhere. Are you a fan of romance? - I suppose, though I'm not very romantic myself, but I guess romance never did any harm, ey. + ORANGE + Closest orange thing to you? - A pen. It says 'TNT' on it, so I don't know if I should mess around with it or not; it might explode, then that wouldn't be good. Do you like to burn things? - ABSOLUTELY. And I've got witnesses. I like burning things, don't I, witnesses? Dress up for Halloween? - No. Hahah. I don't need to. I'm viciously terrifying. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? - Usually. Unless I choose to be a cold-hearted person, which is strange, but possible. Do you have anything against redheaded ppl? - Hahahahahaha. No. Redheaded people are cool. And by red, you mean orange? Yeah? Well, Simon's cool. Told you redheaded people are cool. Are you usually full of energy? - Ahhh, no. My energy's usually gone and used up by sleep or school. Usually. + YELLOW + Closest yellow thing to you? - The BASE science essay writing competition 2006 rules and regulations paper. My name's highlighted with a yellow textmarker under the list of 'recommended contestants', so I guess that means this piece of paper is mine. :D The happiest time[s] of your life? - When I was little and nothing except playing games mattered. Actually, I'm pretty happy now. What am I talking about? Favourite holiday? - I don't have a favourite. So, I'm going to pretend to be a stereotypical goth and say "Halloween." What makes you smile? - Seeing other people happy. And him. Mustn't forget him. Are you a coward? - Extremely. Even in my dreams; if my friend's in trouble, I'll run away and save myself instead of my friend. Which also counts for being selfish, too, I guess. Do you burn or tan? - I burn, which later turns into a tan. + GREEN + Closest green thing to you? - The grass in the background of a picture of my grandfather smoking his pipe. He looks so happy, it's strange realizing he's not here anymore. :/ Do you care about the enviroment? - You spelt environment wrong, just so you know. And because of that, I'm going to skip this question. Are you jealous of anyone right now? - Jealous? Can't say I am, but I'm sure deep down inside, I can think of someone I envy. Are you a lucky person? - I don't know. Do I look lucky? I wouldn't want my world to consist of me getting things because of luck alone though; that would suck. Do you always want what you can't have? - It always seems that way, doesn't it? That actually has something to do with human nature. It's like when a baby is playing with a ball, then stops and drops the ball to play with another toy. If you pick up that ball, the baby will want the ball back even though she wasn't playing with it. Do you like being outdoors? - Sometimes being outdoors is better than being indoors. Are you Irish? - No. Hahaha. + BLUE + Closest blue thing to you? - The veins under my skin carrying deoxygenated blood. Are you good at calming people down? - I'm good at making upset children go to sleep. Case study: David's 6 year old brother, Henry. Do you like the ocean? - It's pretty, I couldn't agree more. But I have a fear of swimming in it. Especially the deep parts. Scary shit. Are you a logical thinker? - I can be a logical thinker if you want me to be a logical thinker. Do you? Want me? To be a? Logical thinker? + PURPLE + Last purple thing you saw? - His penis. Hahaha. K, that time you knew I was lying. Like being treated to expensive things? - Sure. Like ice cream. Do you like mysterious things? - I like Mysterious Bob; they're mysterious. Ever met anyone in royalty? - Royalty shmoyalty. Are you creative? - Probably less creative than you, but creative nonetheless. + PINK + Closest pink thing to you? - My heart. Hahaha. I'm lying again; my heart isn't pink. Do you like sweet things? - Yes, and everybody knows it. Except you apparently. Are you sensitive? - At times the stupidest things get me upset, but other times, it takes a whole lot more to break me. Do you like punk music? - Yes. And there was a time when punk was all I'd listen to, but what does this have to do with the colour pink? + WHITE + Closest white thing to you? - This hard chair I'm sitting on. Would you say you're innocent? - Innocent of what crime? :] Always try to keep the peace? - Hehe, between countries? I have nothing to do with peace between countires. Who do you think I am? Martin Luther King? How do you imagine your wedding? - Weddingy. And beautiful. Do you like to play in the snow? - Snow is cold. But yeah, it's fun to play in. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? - Yes, because they're like the scariest things in the world. + BLACK + Closest black thing to you? - The ink on the 'A', 'S', 'D', 'F', 'Shift' and 'Enter' keys. Ever enjoy hurting people? - I wish I was that sadistic. Oh, wait. I am. :D Are you sophisticated or silly? - Ahahaha. Well, I'm not sophisticated. Would you like to go to space? - Yeah, man. Of course. Do you have a lot of secrets? - I used to have more, but recently I've let one that I really wish wasn't mine go. What are your favorite colors? - Red, black, green, and Hamish's eyes that look like chocolate. Does the color you wear affect your mood? - No. I wear what I want to wear, irrespective of my mood.

This song is awesome.

Feeling: Wachaa
Listening to: Talking Of MichelAngelo by Bayside

This is sad. It's an online group thing where people who want to be anorexic ask anorexic people how it's done. For example:

They have quotes like "One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure, clean shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up." and "Like a plant, surely the body can be trained to exist on nothing, to take it's nourishment from the air."

Whoah. I found a site that was previously exploited in TIME magazine for giving tips on how to lose weight quickly, and keep others from finding out, the eating disorder way. Click.

Did you know the lead singer of Silverchair had anorexia? And that Ana's Song is actually about the disorder itself? Yeah, well, I didn't, no matter how obvious the title. I'm not sure why I was searching Google for anorexic-related things, but it may be because I remembered I used to be underweight. And for some reason, I was proud. I was 5cm shorter than I am now, and I weighed 32kgs('Cause you know how height and weight are related). Then, I went to New Zealand for 2 months, and I guess puberty struck, because I gained 20kgs and became of ideal weight.

And why am I talking about weight and eating disorders? I have no fucking idea.

Feeling: Giggly
Listening to: A Devil In A Midnight Mass by Billy Talent

Hehehe. I don't know why, but whoever said this on Brubands' tagboard sure made me laugh.

UNITED SESSIONS was the bomb yesterday but the dancing was OUT!!! We dont need dancers around....bunch of strippers....

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: This Calling by All That Remains

ATTENTION! I have found yet another band randomly that are so awesome, they made me fall in love with them immediately - All That Remains. If you get to listen to the song I'm playing now, take note of the growling in the background of the vocals; it gives the song an effect that I simply adore. In other words, it's beautiful.

Now, on to less important things, like frogs 'cause the other day I was studying 'cause you know how I'm such a good student(HAHAHA), and I heard the sound a plastic bag makes when it's moving. I thought it was a lizard, so I ignored it, and when I finished what I was doing, I went to check the bag. I was looking for a lizard, but I found a big ass frog instead, sitting in a plastic bag outside my bedroom door. I don't know about you, but I thought finding a frog in my house was kind of weird. So anyway, I told my brother to rescue me and everything else that happened after that was a mixture of me screaming, texting Hamish and jumping on top of my bed which led to the eventual releasing of the frog into the wild that is the outdoors.

I'll put up my horrible results for the First Trial exams when I get all of them back, hokay. Then, on the 14th, my Second Trial exams start. I love exams. Especially since it's because of exams that I have to go to school 6 days of the 10-day holiday the MOE supposedly begifted me with. Motherfucker.

And I want a hair cut.

Feeling: Sad
Listening to: Train Tracks Are Tactics To Tame Attacks by Airholes

I went to the Airholes album launch, the audience got to experience some honestly good bands. Some. Take note of that word. I managed to get my album signed, and most of the bands got to play but because of those fucking dancers that couldn't wait 2 minutes, I didn't get to see Malice My Shadows, Sadness In Her Eyes and Airholes perform(If you were there, you'd have noticed Airholes was the first band to play at the gig, but they were supposed to play 3 more songs at the end). What happened was those Liquid Ice Dancers started dancing just as the prayer started, and the KDN cancelled everything else because of that. Not fair for the band who launched their album, I have to say.

And when I pull this trigger, the last thing in my head is you.

And good God. I've listened to their album 5 times in a row now, and it might be the mood I'm in, but I never realized until now that their songs are pretty depressing. Hahaha. Really. It Takes Beauty To Replace An Old Ugly Flame is sad, but then again, I also think Atreyu's Our Sick Story (Thus Far) is sad.

Feeling: Alienesque
Listening to: Cassie by Flyleaf

I have no idea what alienesque means, so don't ask.

Sorry
My words are like daggers,
They tear us apart.
But neither of us can stop them.
And it hurts to see your eyes glisten with tears,
Hurts more when I know it's my fault.
I don't want to let you go,
But you know you can't stand me.
So, I'll close my eyes and count to ten,
And pray to God you don't care that you're leaving.
Because I know that when I see you
Standing there still,
You're going to wish things were different.
But they're not,
And I'm sorry.
I know what it's like,
I hate me, too.

That isn't anything recent; something I wrote in early July I think. I was looking though some old files on my computer when I came across it. Woohee.

Say "yes" to pull the trigger.

Feeling: Sweaty
Listening to: Revenge by Papa Roach

Edit my last post for me, because if I do it, it will just confuse people.

The gig on the 26th has been moved to the 27th; the same day as the Airholes album launch. And why? I don't know. HAHAH. Kay, I lied. I do know. I just don't want to tell you. So, be aware. If you're looking for a gig at Chill on Saturday night, you won't find one because it's on Sunday at 2PM till 6PM.

And also, I'm ordering you to click. So, click, okay?

Feeling: Troubled
Listening to: Demonology And Heartache by Atreyu

Hey there, internet! You're looking good today.

I'm just here to tell you that if you walk around Chill in Gadong, you'll see posters saying Word To The Wise, Liquid Ice Dancers, One Morning Project, DC Blues, Insicive, Wan Long Kok, Karacoma, Angels And Airwaves(HAHAH), Malice My Shadows, Sadness In Her Eyes and Airholes are playing on the 26th there from 8PM till midnight, in that order, 'cause telling people is so cool.

And tomorrow night Airholes, Avantgarde, Frozen Statue, Trisera and Superfriends are performing at ASMA Hotel. $10 for tickets though. I might as well be the operator for Brubands with the amount of advertising I do. Hahah.

Did you know there's a recording company in Brunei called 3rd Nipple Records? Hahahaha. Funny. :]

Oh, fuck. Atreyu's scream is beautiful. Literally sends chills up my spine. I love Atreyu. ♥

Demonology And Heartache by Atreyu
So unaffectionate, so insecure.
You claim to know a thing or two about heartache, and what it's like to have your insides torn out.
And I believe you; I see it everytime your pallbearer's palor is obsecured by the darkness,
dancing across your face, and when the blackness veils your eyes in pain.
I know what it's like when memories make you wince,
and love letters read like obituaries, and photo albums are books of the dead.
I need no reminders, no more reminders. I'll forget the past and lay it to rest.

If I had my way I'd cut the calluses off your breaking heart,
if I could get past the sternum.
Cauterize those wounds with every kiss I could give to you.
I'm holding your heart in my hands,
the reason it still beats.

Am I being too cryptic?
Am I being too obsecure?

Love kills, romance is dead, and I don't even trust myself, but I love you.
And you can pull my wings apart and pin me under the glass until the end of days, if it can help you discover that we share the same pain.
I just hope you write your thesis before your subject is dead.
No life after death.

I should learn the piano for Lip Gloss And Black, ey.

And I'm supposed to be studying. Heeeeeee.

Feeling: Dumb
Listening to: Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's

I've had this song on repeat for the past 5 hours. And I don't care how many times I've already heard it; I'm going to listen to it over and over and over again.

A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars; I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us, and we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Thank You For The Venom by My Chemical Romance

I was recording Trisera's Seketika off of Purevolume, like I often do. So, I put my MSN status on busy so it wouldn't make noise when someone chatted with me, and it was all going great until half-way through the song when I pressed the backspace button a bit too much, 'cause you know how it makes the 'ding' sound when you do that. Yeah, so I thought, okay, that's cool, I can just record it again. So, I did it, and three quarters into the song, the phone rings. HAHA. But I took it easy and just recorded it again. Eventually, I got the whole song and then I realized that you can download their mp3, so all of that trouble was a waste. :]

You all know I'm having my first trial exam, yes? Seeing as I've mentioned it twice in seperate posts that it started on the 14th. The reason I haven't talked about them again is because I'm going to take over the world one day and the slightest whisper about exams will just ruin my plan. Shhh.