Feeling: Delusional
Listening to: Hey Jude by The Beatles

I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now, and I think that means it was begging me to make a post about it.

Let's begin with some strangely presented lyrics:

Hey Jude,
Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude,
Don't be afraid. You were made to go out and get her. The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders, for, well, you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude,
Don't let me down. You have found her, now go and get her. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better.

So, let it out and let it in. Hey, Jude, begin - you're waiting for someone to perform with. And don't you know that it's just you? Hey Jude, you'll do. The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude,
Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better.

Firstly, I see this song as a series of little letters to (a variety of) "Jude"(s), which is why I arranged the lyrics the way I did. And "Jude" can be anyone or anything and so can "she" (and neither have to be the same entity throughout the song as their identities seem to change constantly), because who said this song has to be about some guy gaining the courage to hit on a girl? And even if the Beatles did, that is irrelevant.

I think the most meaningful part of the song, and what signifies, to me at least, that this is more than sexual relations, is what I've put in bold, but especially this - "And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders." This is because, in my opinion, although it's important to realise our responsibilities, it's equally crucial to appreciate our limitations. So, even if your good heart wants you to, the whole world wasn't meant to be held up by only one person.

Oh, I sound so pretentious and self-righteous, but I really could not care any less right now because it is 5:20 in the morning and Hey Jude is too complex to be analysing at this time of day and it's snowing outside and I just had a double espresso mocha and I'm going to shower so I can't think straight but I've got work that I'm done with to hand in today, yay!

In light of this, from now on, I shall address Jude whenever I wish to speak to abstract beings such as life and mathematics.

Days remaining (a): 0
Days remaining (b): 25

(a) About Photographs Digital Story
(b) Writing with Light Assignment #2

Feeling: Bloated
Listening to: Pain Redefined by Disturbed

I just remembered my first party at Penn where, for whatever reason, it was believed my name was Rachel. I hadn't ever met these people before, but I still couldn't win the argument that my name was, in fact, Sue-Anne.

"Um... Nooooo... Your name is Rachel."

That was a funny night.

Forgot about the countdown in the last post and I'm too lazy to fix it so I won't. Anyway, look at this:

Days remaining (a): 3
Days remaining (b): 6
Days remaining (c): 6
Days remaining (d): 6
Days remaining (e): 10
Days remaining (f): 35

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(b) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(e) About Photographs Digital Story
(f) Writing with Light Assignment #2

Deadline extensions are, like, so cool! :D

Feeling: Crazy
Listening to: Better Than Anything Else by The Sleeping

"They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up." - Pastor Martin Niemöller

Feeling: Uneasy
Listening to: Autobahn by Anberlin

Where did the weekend go?

Days remaining (a): 18
Days remaining (b): 21
Days remaining (c): 21
Days remaining (d): 21
Days remaining (e): 24
Days remaining (f): 25

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(b) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(e) Writing with Light Assignment #2
(f) About Photographs Digital Story

Feeling: Really good
Listening to: Closer by Anberlin

Anberlin were just amazing. They are so good live. *Drools. And so tall and skinny.

Pegasus Bridge, one of their support acts were also really good. Not so tall and skinny. Listen to them. Right now. But only if you like music.

Despite the cold, and the rugby fans, and the lack of bus services, and the closed roads, and the traffic jams, and the crowded streets, and the taxi driver that ripped me off, it's been a good night. :]

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 23
Days remaining (c): 23
Days remaining (d): 23
Days remaining (e): 26
Days remaining (f): 28

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(b) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(e) Writing with Light Assignment #2
(f) About Photographs Digital Story

Feeling: Awesome
Listening to: Godspeed by Anberlin

More of those random thoughts I've had:

1. My banana peeled itself in my bag. Now, my bag is covered in banana.
   
2. I guess people really can be who you don't think they are.
   
3. "I asked myself one hundred times why. Why did we even bother? Why did we even try?" - Hit the Lights
   
4. I am really starting to feel the pressure now, and the thing is, I don't know if I have it in me to fight anymore.
   
5. Accidentally bid GBP50 on an eBay item. Hahahahahahaha. :| (Don't worry, I fixed it)
   
6. I seriously believe most people at this university think I'm a comeplete dumbass.

Anberlin have a new album out. So, they're on tour. And I'm going to go see them tomorrow night. :D <- This face cannot even slightly describe how excited I am, especially after a really horrible series of weeks. It's just... So... I'm going to listen to Anberlin non-stop for, at least, the next 24 hours.

Days remaining (a): 0
Days remaining (b): 21
Days remaining (c): 24
Days remaining (d): 24
Days remaining (e): 24
Days remaining (f): 27
Days remaining (g): 29

(a) Dissertation 3,000 word Literature Review
(b) Dissertation 3,000 word Draft Methodology
(c) Spanish Language 'A' Written Assignment #2
(d) Spanish Language 'A' Oral exam
(e) Spanish Language 'A' Listening exam
(f) Writing with Light Assignment #2
(g) About Photographs Digital Story

Feeling: Pissed Off
Listening to: *Fin by Anberlin

Random thoughts I have had since my last post, not really in any kind of order:

1. I like Albert Einstein. He was a sweetie. :]
   
2. I am eating Chili Heatwave Doritos. The loud crunching noise in my head is deafening.
   
3. Got to stop having emotional breakdowns in public places.
   
4. "You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine." - Taking Back Sunday
   
5. I wish I knew how to speak more languages.
   
6. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? But I don't.
   
7. Maybe wondering where my life went?
   
8. I didn't even fully understand what it was. :/
   
9. And I don't remember a thing about it, just that after it was gone, I decided there was nothing left for me to lose.
   
10. I hate it, but I need to get over it, right?
    
11. So, I wonder what would have happened if things had gone differently. When would I have made this choice myself? What kind of person would I be today?
    
12. And I will look at her and say, "Oh, my baby..." Then, hold her in my arms and wonder whether a child should know such things.
    
13. We are the perfect mix of awkward.
    
14. Help me.
    
15. "One day, we'll get out of this shitty apartment. One day is all it takes." - Meiko
    
16. Let's listen to some Malay songs.
    
17. :]
    
18. Seriously. I have got to find a way to let this all go. It has been too long.
    
19. People are shit.

Feeling: Dead

I hate British public transportation on Christmas Day.

P.S. Everything keeps going wrong.

Feeling: Dumb

Last night, I woke up with really cold feet. So, today, I decided it was time to turn the heater on. Now, my room is so warm, my stash of chocolates is melting. They taste better this way. :]

P.S. I hope some kind stranger will eventually see the good in me.

Why?

Broken Smile has not had a new layout in the longest time. Too bad I'm too busy to fix it now. :]

Feeling: Dead

When I decided to do a dissertation this year, I forgot how hard it is to write a 12,000 word essay.

I am doomed.

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

I'll let you know when it's okay to come out from hiding.

"I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty." - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

Feeling: Sleepy
Listening to: Archer's Bows Are Broken by Brand New

I find it a terribly strange and sad phenomenon to realise that the people who were your friends at one point or another have stopped being friends with you. And nothing really caused it's termination, per se. It just ended.

Sometimes, I just think about the pity of a situation it is to find myself here and them there, but other times, the temptation to rekindle that friendship completely overwhelms me.

Only rarely does it ever return to its once splendid state. And this is the sad part.

Sleepy thoughts as I look through new pictures of old friends.

Also!

I need to find an interesting stranger with lots of photographs to become friends with and get to know so I can make a two-minute video about them in true stalker fashion.

Know someone who matches this description?

Call now on 0800-I-KNOW-A-STRANGER!

Feeling: Motivated

I understand how some of you may be concerned about my wellbeing. So, here is my timetable for this semester (although I'm not sure how it will help):

Monday:
09:00-10:50 | Writing with Light | Bute 0.53
17:00-19:00 | Spanish Language A | Centre for Lifelong Learning M1.05

Tuesday:
11:10-12:30 | About Photographs | Bute 0.35

Wednesday:
09:00-10:30 | About Photographs workshop | Bute 0.35

Thursday:
10:00-10:50 | Writing with Light seminar | Bute 0.53

Friday:
14:10-15:00 | Dissertation | Bute 1.20

And in the spirit of residing in Britain...

Cheers.

Feeling: Unaccomplished
Listening to: You To Me Are Everything by Real Thing

I started this list in June, but although it is already October, I would have probably still left this as a draft until January or something, if only I hadn't been reminded how much I miss the place people so affectionately call Penn.

So, this is what 6 months in the States has let me experience for the first time:

1. Taco Bell
   
2. Jambalaya
   
3. Greek food
   
4. Icee
   
5. In-N-Out
   
6. Cycling across the Golden Gate Bridge
   
7. Running through a fountain in the cold rain
   
8. Spending a week living on a couch in the basement of a frat house
   
9. Getting trapped in a stairwell of a hotel
   
10. Spending way too much time and money in one singular bar
    
11. Drinking illegally after drinking legally for a couple of years without going back in time
    
12. Getting high fived by a moving motorcyclist
    
13. Experiencing a snow storm
    
14. Seeing Scary Kids Scaring Kids live on their final tour
    
15. Seeing and meeting Copeland on their final tour, along with Person L, and I Can Make a Mess like Nobody's Business
    
16. Going to a frat party
    
17. Playing beer pong
    
18. Becoming a parent to five fish
    
19. Becoming a grandparent to many, many fish
    
20. Having a guest lecture by one of the creators of Spongebob Squarepants
    
21. Meeting Brian Graden, the man who helped produce South Park
    
22. Mountain Dew
    
23. Twizzlers
    
24. Having amazing professors, including Joan Garry
    
25. Going to Philadelphia, New York City, Boston, Montréal, San Francisco, Seattle and Washington, D.C.
    
26. Watching a gay parade
    
27. Developing a new appreciation and understanding about so many different kinds of people and ideas
    
28. Learning more about myself and who I am

You did good, America. Too bad that visa thing you gave me expired and I had to return to my own country.

Now you've got the best of me, come on and take the rest of me.

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: Set The Fire To The Third Bar by Snow Patrol

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. :D

I've been very busy, and amongst all the hustle and bustle, I somehow ended up back in DA YOU KAY (Although I am now in the land of shamrocks and leprechauns). So, like, I'll give you that list I promised... Soon. Really. I will.

But other than that, this song really gets to me for some reason. Could be the gentle harmony of all the instruments and vocals coming together, or maybe it is slowly hypnotising me so that I do its bidding. You should listen to it if you feel like calming your heart down or just taking a deep breath.

Miles from where you are. I lay down on the cold ground, and I, I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms.

Feeling: Broken

It was so tiny. No bigger than my hand.

I shall call you January.

January, you were too eager, and this world is awfully cold.

Mr. January.

♥

Feeling: Deserted

I am homeless yet again, but this time, there are no couches or basements or frat houses to take pity on me. Whatever shall I do? D:

Feeling: Joyful
Listening to: Revolution by The Beatles

The other night, I couldn't sleep after lying in bed for an hour, trying to. So, I wrote a story about a Mr. Dinosaur, though I think I'm going to rename him Mr. Elephant because my brain just wants to. Perhaps one day, you too shall know of his adventures, but for today, I am wearing a shoelace in my hair because I couldn't find my headband this morning.

You say you want a revolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world. You tell me that it's evolution. Well, you know, we all want to change the world. But when you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out.

Where the fuck is that fine line between self-pity and awareness?

My left eye has been twitching all day. I think it is trying to escape and projectile itself out of the socket in my skull. Should be interesting.

But I don't know what is going to happen.

Life. Oh, life.

What is wrong with language today? What does the greatest person of all time think? Does it even matter? Who knows?

Find out now by going to the following link:

I mean, wait, there it was - hidden suspiciously well in the previous sentence.

Halll, raiiiiiyeet.

Feeling: Engaged

The current diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia, and I take pride in knowing I can spell that correctly without looking it up.

"Life's greatest comfort is being able to look over your shoulder and see people worse off, waiting in line behind you." - Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

Less than 5 minutes remaining in my teenage life, according to GMT +8. But if I were counting from the time zone in which I was born, my teenage years would already be over.

I shall now curl up and die before my soul gets sucked away from me completely. :]

Someone on TV just said "Amy likes to have a good time wherever she goes," but doesn't everyone? Who likes to have a bad time? And even if they liked having a bad time, wouldn't they be having a good time if they had a bad time?

Oh, my God, I am so irritable right now.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. *Bites off chicken head.

Feeling: Shocked
Listening to: First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes

Bright Eyes are on the radio! It is amazing.

It's been a while since I last said something about my loving grandmother, and during the short time I've been back in Brunei, she's ordered me, on several accounts, to leave the house, all while her stick was shoved dangerously close to my face. Tonight, though, she threw her stick at me, and it would appear she is now extra determined to get me out.

I don't know why she hates me so much.

"It is the very nature of this world that all things are devoured and time is a mouth as bloody as any other." - The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice

Feeling: Obsessed
Listening to: Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox

A lot has happened since my last post, but I'll tell you one thing for sure - I'm now safely in the self-proclaimed Abode of Peace.

I was going to make a list of all the things the United States allowed me to experience, and maybe I'll actually do it, but for now, let me talk about my rekindled obsession with unusual but cool piercings, and how I have a strange anxiety making me want to get them.

So... uhh.

Once, I had the rarest rose that ever deemed to bloom. Cruel winter chilled the bud and stole my flower too soon. Oh, loneliness. Oh, hopelessness.

Feeling: Groovy

fem·i·nism  [fem-uh-niz-uhm]
–noun

1. the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

I am so sick of all the negative connotations people glue to feminism. Feminism is about equality. Why do you people make it seem so wrong to want equality?! If I haven't misjudged the fundamentals of a democratic society, everyone should be a feminist. Now, pull your head out of your ass, and stop portraying feminism as a female supremacy cult!

P.S. I miss my mum.

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 1
Days remaining (c): 2

(a) History of Old Media essay
(b) History of Old Media project
(c) Media Activism and Social Change essay

Feeling: Kaplonk

My arm feels weird. I think it's going to fall off.

*Sighs. The price I pay for immunity to Insert random disease here.

Sleepy, sleepy. Hehehehehegehegehe. *Snores.

Days remaining (a): 3
Days remaining (b): 4
Days remaining (c): 4
Days remaining (d): 8
Days remaining (e): 8
Days remaining (f): 9

(a) Mass Media and Society exam
(b) Communication and Persuasion essay
(c) Communication and Persuasion presentation
(d) History of Old Media essay
(e) History of Old Media project
(f) Media Activism and Social Change essay

Feeling: Thoughtful

Is there any point in trying to be good?

Can you actually "be the change you want to see in the world"?

Is there nothing more you can do than think about yourself?

The hope I have for everything just keeps making me seem delusional.

And maybe I am.

The theory of congeniality tells me there is no point having a standing until it is challenged and you can fight for it.

But maybe some things shouldn't be fought for.

You are a small, tiny person, Sue-Anne. And the world is too messy and big. Get your head back on your shoulders where it belongs.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 5
Days remaining (c): 5
Days remaining (d): 9
Days remaining (e): 9
Days remaining (f): 10

(a) Mass Media and Society exam
(b) Communication and Persuasion essay
(c) Communication and Persuasion presentation
(d) History of Old Media essay
(e) History of Old Media project
(f) Media Activism and Social Change essay

Holy shit face, I am running out of time!

There is so much to doooooooooooooooooo.

And I am a lazy coooooooooooooooooooow.

(I have never had so many countdowns going at once. Exciting!)

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 9
Days remaining (c): 10
Days remaining (d): 10
Days remaining (e): 14
Days remaining (f): 14
Days remaining (g): 15

(a) Communication and Persuasion exam
(b) Mass Media and Society exam
(c) Communication and Persuasion essay
(d) Communication and Persuasion presentation
(e) History of Old Media essay
(f) History of Old Media project
(g) Media Activism and Social Change essay

Listening to: All That He Wants by Kill Hannah

There is something strange in the air tonight and I cannot decide what it means.

Maybe it means nothing.

Maybe it means...

EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Shrieks. Then, *faints dramatically.

Feeling: Dumb

I'm on to you. *Gives snake eyes.

Feeling: Sick

This is disturbing:


And I have to agree with click:

Regardless of whether this incident was an accident, human error or a huge screw up, the most appalling part of the video is the bloodlust the soldiers have. Their anticipation and hope that the reporter crawling away would pick up a weapon so they could shoot him is absolutely disgusting. "All you gotta do is pick up a weapon." When the van pulled up, they couldn’t wait to get approval to shoot it up. Killing people should never be celebrated. War is hell folks and there’s a lot of crazy people on our side.

So, I have adopted some beautiful creatures, and they answer to the names Zeus, Swish, Swash, Ducky and Littlefoot (I'm not sure if I made that up).

I suddenly feel like I am running out of time, and I don't know what to do.

I also wish I could write more meaningful and/or worthwhile entries.

It seems unfair.

Feeling: Unaccomplished

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" goes Mr. Dinosaur, unsure of what he really means. He would like to go outside and sit in the sun or roll on the grass, but he is trapped in this glass cage, purring ferociously in the hopes that he may scare someone enough to let him out. But people just pierce him with funny looks and go on with their day, unaware of the pain they cause him. Mr. Dinosaur can only watch them as they skip around and play with the squirrels in the trees, jealous that it's not him. "One day," he says to himself as he goes to sleep for the fifteenth time today. "One day," he says to himself as he shuts his eyes slightly too tightly and lets them roll into the back of his head.

Six years ago, a thirteen-year-old girl stumbled upon this novel sensation called Blogger. She didn't see much potential for it, and, honestly, she didn't even like the idea of blogs, but she created an account and updated it semi-frequently nonetheless. Indeed, she had little reason to believe this tiny bit of the internet she occupied would continue to grow and be there to document the enormous changes she would go through, or that at nineteen, she would be standing here, in front of her glowing laptop, perplexed by the strange relation that is so evident between these two seemingly separate people.

Happy birthday, Broken Smile. You have six candles to blow out.

I am in Montréal but I cannot speak French. I feel like a dirty shoe (I don't know what that feels like).

Feeling: Skippy
Listening to: Boston by Augustana

And now, I am on my way to Boston. (I thought this was an appropriate song for the trip.)

Feeling: Sleepy
Listening to: The little bits of music that come through the guy behind me's earphones

I am on my way to New York City as I type this!

Feeling: Immoral
Listening to: We'll Never Leave Again by Straylight Run

This is a strange-at-first-but-pretty song.

It's kind of weird but representative of the world I live in that I often find myself discovering the beauty in songs I've had for years but never really listened to.

This is all we are.

Is it that I just haven't been paying attention, or after everything that has happened, I actually am experiencing something new?

Can old things become new?

"The only constant is change." - Heraclitus

I don't know.

I am this thing that is different from what it once was and that will probably keep on changing, but is it even possible to remain the same forever? Do we have to change? Is that what life is - a series of alterations that eventually lead to the person you were always meant to be?

And it's all we'll ever need.

I think in zigzags and curls.

I went to see Scary Kids Scaring Kids last night, and I'm sad for several reasons:

1. They are breaking up.
   
2. Last night was my first and last chance to see them play.
   
3. They didn't play The Only Medicine.

But they're still cool, and I forgot what the point of this post was.

So, here are some (Actually, just two) pictures to immortalise this momentous event:





I'm going to go get mail now.

Oh, what do you do when you don't know what you want?

PS. I like America many times. Thus far.

I am wasting time.

Somebody, please tell my brain to start working. It's going through a hormonal, rebellious phase and it's not listening to me. Although I understand what it's going through, it really is important for my brain to work if I am to beat this machine called higher education in the bum.

In the bum!

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Rational Eyes by Threat Signal

Shit balls.

There are so many good bands playing the Vans Warped Tour 2010 that deserve the recognition (Andrew WK, Automatic Loveletter, Pierce the Veil, The Rocket Summer). D:

In other news, who wants to come see Scary Kids Scaring Kids with me next, next Wednesday? That's the third of February. Tell meeeee.

And yes, I do realise this is a horrible post to follow the previous entry with. :[

Feeling: Sad
Listening to: Like Knives by City And Colour

I didn't even know you, but this is making me so fucking sad. :[

I don't like this part of life.

I hope you're safe where you are, D.W.

♥

A long, long time ago, I said there was something semi-important I'd tell you, and I guess it's about time I told you what it is.

I'm going to America to study a semester at the University of Pennsylvania!

Except that's old news because I've already been here for 4 days.

I'm so sneaky.

People keep saying the semester will fly by and I'm worried they may be right. :O

Days remaining: 7