Feeling: Confused

I'm having a weird, unpleasant week.

Let's start with a concept: I believe that nobody should be forced to sleep on the street. I think shelter is a human right. And I am a woman of action (sometimes), so I volunteer at a local homeless shelter.

Is that racist?

Does my desire to help people come from a place of white saviourism? Is it because I feel guilty for having things that I assume others may not have? Do I think I am better than these people? And if yes, what else am I supposed to do? Is not engaging in charity work better?

I am really struggling to find my place in the world right now.

I wanted to work in the non-profit sector because capitalism can suck it and the world is messed up and I want to help and I want to learn how to help. But this field, I'm discovering, is flawed, like nearly all other human things. And it has bad roots, and many of these roots are still growing strong and producing new leaves today. And it goes so far back and has snuck its way into every single cell of how the world blooms and caves in on itself.

How can we make this better? How can we still provide a real service to people who actually need the service, without it being a bad thing?

Is the difference in "helping" without having been asked vs. yes? Is it based on an assumption that these people need to be helped? And that I am qualified to do it? Why do I think I am qualified? What qualifies me? And if I am not qualified, how can I help?

Does the world even need my help? How do I be a good ally? Is that even possible?

It's like the closer I look at it, the more of the skin I peel away, I just keep finding more and more rot and I can't see if there's any living tissue worth saving.

Ohhhh, I am enraged. At white people. At my ancestors. At myself. At the men who decided hundreds of years ago to tear apart communities so that they could develop their own universes at the expense of the Other and then say "Haah, not our problem," when those communities are left coughing in the ashes and dust of the calculated, manufactured, disgusting, blazing aftermath.

I can feel myself slipping away, and I don't think I have the energy to do anything about it.

In other news, the world is broken.

Sometimes a perfectly good solution is to ignore the problem and pretend it never happened and definitely isn't still happening. Right? (:

Listening to: Noone Would Riot For Less by Bright Eyes

Becoming a Woman

a girl,
bright-eyed and keen,
finding her footing,
barely fourteen.

trying her best
to grow up and be seen.

befriends a man,
who should have known better
than to give and to take
much more than love letters.

then to ignore the fact that she was
not quite ready.
to disregard her not knowing,
her trembling, her unsteady.

than to not care
that she was too young

for 20-something-year-old hands,
greedy and selfish,
forceful and crude.

for what happened when
her "no"s were
rejected,
ignored,
and quickly subdued.

for carrying the blame
all on her own,
and not telling a soul,
and staying
too long.

for life-long trauma,
and trust issues and shame,
and believing too easily that
this was her name.
that this made her ugly,
and worthless,
and less-than.

for breaking down at nearly-30,
half a world away.

because of the same
stupid
fucking
man.

So, it's 2020.

This time ten years ago, I was preparing to leave for my tuition-free semester abroad at the University of Pennsylvania in Philidelphia. I was so excited and full of hope. Now, I'm in Amsterdam, doing data analysis for Doctors without Borders with my freshly signed permanent contract, amazed at how I got here. Wild.

In that time, I:

• graduated with a Bachelor of Arts (Honours) in Journalism, Film, and Media, which was later upgraded to a Master of Science (Research) in Communication Science
• moved back to and promptly left Brunei
• travelled to a bunch of new places in 15 countries (the US, Germany, France, Spain, Belgium, Norway, Italy, Portugal, Czech Republic, the Netherlands, Canada, Russia, Mongolia, China, Iceland, Australia)
• kicked off my career with my first three 'proper' jobs as a Writer, then Brand & Crossmedia Data Scienctist, and now Marketing Data Analyst
• negotiated a salary increase after discovering I was being underpaid :o
• started being more active, beginning with running, and then I joined a gym and now I'm more into spinning and weight training with random pilates and yoga sessions every now and then
• somehow completed a full marathon (ya, 42.2km, took me nearly 5 hours, never again)
• learned Dutch (hoi, ik ben Sue-Anne) at the expense of my Malay (apa khabar?)
• gained two willful nephews and one feisty niece, and three times as much love as I had before
• had a few life-changing epiphanies, including realising that marriage and children are not for me, and affectionately watched four of my best friends tie the knot (two of them are mothers now!) <3
• had my heart broken and mended and broken and mended
• tried some of the tolerated soft substances available in the Netherlands and vomited them out more than once
• been in a couple of failed relationships, but more notably, fell in love and moved in with my liefje :)
• was sexually assaulted by a colleague and, against all my anxieties, actually found the guts to speak out against it (he and the company "mutually decided" it was best if he no longer worked there)
• survived my dad getting and surviving colon cancer that also spread to his brain
• was humbled by my sister and all the strength and courage she found inside herself to take some difficult but necessary steps
• discovered that my goals in life involve helping others, and got my dream job at an amazing non-profit humanitarian organisation while starting to volunteer at a homeless shelter
• decided I wanted to write a book and then did not do it while simultaneously feeling bad about not doing it
• drank too much alcohol probably
• wanted to be a better person but am not sure if I was successful
• learned how to open up and made some friends
• finally understood what a hero my mum is

Like I said, wild.

Good luck with the new year, everyone!