Feeling: Unhappy
Listening to: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5
Oh. I love this song. Makes me feel hopeful yet sad. Just the feeling I need. Today, I had school. It was shitty. Like always. School's just so shitty.
I never told you, did I? I guess I have a boyfriend. I don't like thinking of it that way, since I don't really feel the same way about him. It feels like I'm betraying him, but I accepted his proposal, even though it was against everything I believed in(not loving someone I didn't love, if you know what I mean). And I don't like talking about relationships I'm not particularly proud about.
I met my Strawberry today. He was nice, gorgeous as always. He was in class with me, and he was just so sweet. He was sitting with me, and he kissed me gently on the shoulder. Then he came up and gave me a kiss on my lips so gentle, it felt like a cloud washed over me. It was so gentle, and modest, yet it made me want more. I let him kiss me, and I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend, even though it meant I WAS betraying him. It was really magical. I thought it was too good to be true. Hah. And then I woke up.
Isn't it strange how dreams can seem so real sometimes? And when you wake up, you wish the dream never ended, or that it was real. *sigh* I guess I haven't gotten over him. I don't know what to do. It's so strange. It felt like he was dead a few weeks ago, and now he's alive again. Taking everything that makes me with him.
After that dream, I woke up and it was 6. That meant I'd been sleeping for 2 hours. Maybe it was the position I was in, or something, but when I woke up my everything was in pain. All my muscles hurt, and my eyes were burning. It hurt even more when I cried. It still hurts though. So I just lay there for another hour. Enduring the pain. Taking it all in. Letting me feel what I put upon myself. Letting my tears burn my skin. I couldn't move. My body hurt too much, so I didn't eat dinner. I had a piece of garlic bread, although that's not considered as having dinner. I didn't want to eat anymore. It hurts when I touch cold things. It stings so much. Ow. Was it meant to hurt this much? I don't want to know.
I read Vittorio, The Vampire. The book Chewy gave me. And it made me think. Maybe there's another reason why God made people die. Maybe it's because he didn't want us to suffer for so long, so he made us die. Whereas, demons, vampires, and et cetera don't die, they live forever. So they have to suffer longer. Hah. Right. Was just a thought. Blame it on Vittorio.
Friday 30 April 2004
Thursday 29 April 2004
School Just Sucks.
Feeling: Deserted
Listening to: First Day Of My Life by The Rasmus
Ah. I'm at school now. I never thought I would get as low as to actually blog while at school. But there's a first for everything, and I'm just really bored. School sucked today. I had my Commerce test, and I didn't know much of it. I eventually found myself staring at Kelvin's test paper, which he WAS showing me. Haha. What are friends for? I had to help him out on the Commerce part, since he was a genius with that Book-Keeping crap. Maths genius?
I wasn't hungry all day, but I ate anyway. Even though it was a waste of the little money I don't have. Pfft. I need to save up $30. And I barely have $5. Such a loser. Haha.
Today isn't over yet, so I don't have anything to talk about. What happened yesterday? I dunno. I don't want to remember. Hmm. I cried, if I remember correct, cause my brother was being a dumbass. And he got me so angry, tears just came streaming down my face. Ah well, it felt good to be able to cry again.
Oh yes, now I remember. I had piano lessons, and when it finished, it was raining really heavily. I liked the rain though. But they let me sit inside the little musical shop they have downstairs, if that's what you call it, and I found these really nice bookmarks. I want one. Haha. They had Chopin, Bach, and et cetera, but duh, I had no money. Poor me. Pfft. Anyway, my car finally came after 20 minutes, and I made my way *slowly* to the car (was trying to get as much rain on me as I could.) And on the way home, I was staring at the sky, cause there was lightning and thunder, and it was just beautiful. I like thunderstorms. They wake up another side of you, and it's just a pretty sight, watching the rain stream down the windows, and see your reflection shrivel up on the window.
I have to go now. Class is almost over. I'm not going to blog again tonight, even if something 'interesting' happens. But maybe I might, I just don't like blogging twice in one day. Pfft.
Listening to: First Day Of My Life by The Rasmus
Ah. I'm at school now. I never thought I would get as low as to actually blog while at school. But there's a first for everything, and I'm just really bored. School sucked today. I had my Commerce test, and I didn't know much of it. I eventually found myself staring at Kelvin's test paper, which he WAS showing me. Haha. What are friends for? I had to help him out on the Commerce part, since he was a genius with that Book-Keeping crap. Maths genius?
I wasn't hungry all day, but I ate anyway. Even though it was a waste of the little money I don't have. Pfft. I need to save up $30. And I barely have $5. Such a loser. Haha.
Today isn't over yet, so I don't have anything to talk about. What happened yesterday? I dunno. I don't want to remember. Hmm. I cried, if I remember correct, cause my brother was being a dumbass. And he got me so angry, tears just came streaming down my face. Ah well, it felt good to be able to cry again.
Oh yes, now I remember. I had piano lessons, and when it finished, it was raining really heavily. I liked the rain though. But they let me sit inside the little musical shop they have downstairs, if that's what you call it, and I found these really nice bookmarks. I want one. Haha. They had Chopin, Bach, and et cetera, but duh, I had no money. Poor me. Pfft. Anyway, my car finally came after 20 minutes, and I made my way *slowly* to the car (was trying to get as much rain on me as I could.) And on the way home, I was staring at the sky, cause there was lightning and thunder, and it was just beautiful. I like thunderstorms. They wake up another side of you, and it's just a pretty sight, watching the rain stream down the windows, and see your reflection shrivel up on the window.
I have to go now. Class is almost over. I'm not going to blog again tonight, even if something 'interesting' happens. But maybe I might, I just don't like blogging twice in one day. Pfft.
Sunday 25 April 2004
The Agony
Feeling: Broken
Listening to:What Happened To Us by Hoobastank
So sorry about the last post. I was in such a hurry to leave didn't really tell you what happened. And I don't really want to. Haha. Thank you Moe, my wall. You helped my cheer up. And now, Strawberry is back. I was waiting for 3 weeks. :P I missed him a lot. I went to The Mall last night. And just to remind you guys, I STILL think it's a stupid name. Haha. Makes me laugh. LOL. Anywayy, I say a lot of people I knew there. Hmm.. I saw Strawberry's friend, the singer dude.. And Carrie as well at Coffeezone (Yes, I was there. Despite how much I hate it.). And she was like... "Sue-Anne!!" Haha.. Startled me, really. Anyway, thought you could read these lyrics...
What Happened To Us by Hoobastank
I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness i had inside me
But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
Cause i'm the only one who understands me
What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now were lost and lonely
What happened to us
I know deep inside I worry did i lose my only one?
Remember they thought we were too young
To really know what it takes to make it
But we had survived off what we have done
And we could show them all that they're mistaken
Who could have known the lies that would grow
Until we could see right through them
Remember they knew we were too young
We still don't know what it takes to make it
We could have made it work, we could have found a way,
Should have done our best to see another day
But we kept it all inside until it was too late
And now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
For throwing it all away, for throwing it all away...
Thank you. You may go now. Shoo.
Listening to:What Happened To Us by Hoobastank
So sorry about the last post. I was in such a hurry to leave didn't really tell you what happened. And I don't really want to. Haha. Thank you Moe, my wall. You helped my cheer up. And now, Strawberry is back. I was waiting for 3 weeks. :P I missed him a lot. I went to The Mall last night. And just to remind you guys, I STILL think it's a stupid name. Haha. Makes me laugh. LOL. Anywayy, I say a lot of people I knew there. Hmm.. I saw Strawberry's friend, the singer dude.. And Carrie as well at Coffeezone (Yes, I was there. Despite how much I hate it.). And she was like... "Sue-Anne!!" Haha.. Startled me, really. Anyway, thought you could read these lyrics...
What Happened To Us by Hoobastank
I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness i had inside me
But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
Cause i'm the only one who understands me
What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now were lost and lonely
What happened to us
I know deep inside I worry did i lose my only one?
Remember they thought we were too young
To really know what it takes to make it
But we had survived off what we have done
And we could show them all that they're mistaken
Who could have known the lies that would grow
Until we could see right through them
Remember they knew we were too young
We still don't know what it takes to make it
We could have made it work, we could have found a way,
Should have done our best to see another day
But we kept it all inside until it was too late
And now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
For throwing it all away, for throwing it all away...
Thank you. You may go now. Shoo.
Friday 23 April 2004
Oh.. Neglection.
Feeling: Neglected
Listening to: Up And Gone by Hoobastank
My God. I haven't blogged in a while, but even though, nothing much has happened during my absence. :P There was that Inter-Class Cross-Country Race that I didn't attend... So the next day Mr.Ang (the disipline master) called me into his office to give him my reason. My excuse: The muscle in my leg tore. Well, it did. Haha. Although it was better that time of the Cross-Country. I guess I was just too lazy to go. But Jesus Christ, you had to be there at 6:45 AM! And since it was held on a Sunday, that meant they're dragging us to school 7 f*cking days in a week. Damn. I'm not doing that. I need time for myself... And oh yea, time for rest. XD
Right now, I'm so tired. It's still considered early though, so it's really weird why I'm feeling sleepy so early nowadays. But I guess with us studying 6 days a week, and having to wake up at 6 in the morning has something to do with it. I calculated, and it seems I'm only getting 3-4 hours of sleep. Interesting. That must be why I'm always so sleepy at school and in the afternoons when I come back from school. Yes, it's interesting.
Anyway, I'm having trouble liking my Geography teacher. She manages to do the one thing that annoys me so much about a teacher - when they call students names. (i.e idiot, stupid, etc) It's like they think they're the supreme power or something. And so I just don't like her. I had my Geo test today, I came in just as it turned 10. And she starts screaming "What time is it? You're late. Do you know you're late?". She said some other stuff but I was too annoyed to pay attention. I was just like "it just turned 10." and she said "Your test starts at 10." Jesus. So I muttered "it was only 9:59 when I came in the class." and took a seat. I hate that. That thing teachers do that just gets me so annoyed. I wasn't the only late one, but even though, I wasn't late! About 10 other people came in later than me and she didn't yell at them like she had to me. That SO pissed me off. F*cking idiot. But over all, the test went okay. I knew most of it, although I'm pretty sure 30% of my answers are wrong. Ah well.
There was this Malay composition paper we were given. It said something about a competition, so I didn't bother doing it. I slept thru the whole hour they'd given. And only after everything was over, a few days went by, I was told it was my Malay test 2. I was just like.. "...Really?" I couldn't have answered it anyway, I didn't understand the questions. It was like in another form of some kind of alien language. My Malay teacher noticed that only me and Jasmine didn't do ANYTHING on the test paper. LOL. So he asked us if we want to take another test, only it's going to be harder. It's either that or no marks. I decided to take the chance, so there's my Malay test tomorrow. Hmph. I hate Malay compositions.
I just read this thing about Chewy. And it just changed everything I thought about him. I better go, I'm starting to cry. It feels like I'm cracking inside. I feel so dizzy.. Like my tummy is spinning. I'm going to faint or puke.. or something. Why did he do this? :(
Listening to: Up And Gone by Hoobastank
My God. I haven't blogged in a while, but even though, nothing much has happened during my absence. :P There was that Inter-Class Cross-Country Race that I didn't attend... So the next day Mr.Ang (the disipline master) called me into his office to give him my reason. My excuse: The muscle in my leg tore. Well, it did. Haha. Although it was better that time of the Cross-Country. I guess I was just too lazy to go. But Jesus Christ, you had to be there at 6:45 AM! And since it was held on a Sunday, that meant they're dragging us to school 7 f*cking days in a week. Damn. I'm not doing that. I need time for myself... And oh yea, time for rest. XD
Right now, I'm so tired. It's still considered early though, so it's really weird why I'm feeling sleepy so early nowadays. But I guess with us studying 6 days a week, and having to wake up at 6 in the morning has something to do with it. I calculated, and it seems I'm only getting 3-4 hours of sleep. Interesting. That must be why I'm always so sleepy at school and in the afternoons when I come back from school. Yes, it's interesting.
Anyway, I'm having trouble liking my Geography teacher. She manages to do the one thing that annoys me so much about a teacher - when they call students names. (i.e idiot, stupid, etc) It's like they think they're the supreme power or something. And so I just don't like her. I had my Geo test today, I came in just as it turned 10. And she starts screaming "What time is it? You're late. Do you know you're late?". She said some other stuff but I was too annoyed to pay attention. I was just like "it just turned 10." and she said "Your test starts at 10." Jesus. So I muttered "it was only 9:59 when I came in the class." and took a seat. I hate that. That thing teachers do that just gets me so annoyed. I wasn't the only late one, but even though, I wasn't late! About 10 other people came in later than me and she didn't yell at them like she had to me. That SO pissed me off. F*cking idiot. But over all, the test went okay. I knew most of it, although I'm pretty sure 30% of my answers are wrong. Ah well.
There was this Malay composition paper we were given. It said something about a competition, so I didn't bother doing it. I slept thru the whole hour they'd given. And only after everything was over, a few days went by, I was told it was my Malay test 2. I was just like.. "...Really?" I couldn't have answered it anyway, I didn't understand the questions. It was like in another form of some kind of alien language. My Malay teacher noticed that only me and Jasmine didn't do ANYTHING on the test paper. LOL. So he asked us if we want to take another test, only it's going to be harder. It's either that or no marks. I decided to take the chance, so there's my Malay test tomorrow. Hmph. I hate Malay compositions.
I just read this thing about Chewy. And it just changed everything I thought about him. I better go, I'm starting to cry. It feels like I'm cracking inside. I feel so dizzy.. Like my tummy is spinning. I'm going to faint or puke.. or something. Why did he do this? :(
Friday 16 April 2004
Northern Lights
Feeling: Frightened
Listening to: Still Standing by The Rasmus
Hello there. I was reading the card that Chewy gave me for the 100th time, and then I opened up the book and I just noticed something writen on the second page. Something my blind eyes didn't see before. What was writen was so little, yet it touched my so much. It read: "Love You! Sue Anne. From Chewy. *NVR.4GET.ME." Oh, it just crumbled my insides and turned me inside out. I don't know what it was but it made me think really hard as I held the book to my head. And then I found a tingling inside to do some painting. I had the paints. The poster paints I wanted for so long. Although it wasn't oil or acrillic paint, it was good enough for me. I got my brushes and found my "painting" music. :)
It's really relaxing music from the 1800s or something. The romantic era. I love that era. Some of the best music came from the era. Like Franz Liszt's peices. Simply incredible. But my most favourite song from this Classic album I have called "The Classical Mood; Passion", Carmina Burana, 'O Fortuna' by Carl Orff has this dark side that I just love. The album's got mostly loves songs on it, thus the name Passion.
So anyway, was I was saying, I set to work on my painting. And I slowly got this image of this black figure holding onto a heart with it's ever-so-sharp fingers. And another black figure holding a stake with a heart at the end. Another heart is on a stake with needles thru it, I don't think you can tell it's needles though. But yea, there's some more to it, but this is just a rough summary. And then there's this fire-like background. With the flames hitting the feet of the black images. I don't know what they are. But I'm thinking they represent love. And they're hurting the hearts, so the story is: Love just hurts your heart. Poor heart. Yes, poor heart.
I haven't finished with the painting. I think I'll just finish it tomorrow. Oh yea, I forgot to say I finally finished "Do They Hear You When You Cry". It's a nice book. Very interesting. So I finished it, and now I'm reading that vampire book Chewy gave me. And I know the name now! Haha. It's Vittorio, The Vampire by Anne Rice. LOL. I've only finished the first chapter though. I plan to finish the book with interest though. For Chewy's sake.
Now I'm geeling so scared. So frightened. And I don't know what for. I cut myself again. I don't know why I do it. It's almost as if I take pleasure in it. But yea, I did and it stung. It hurt and was a little itchy. But it's not anymore. And I didn't realize it then, I didn't realize how many times I had cut myself, but now there's quite a lot of cuts along my left arm. I was surprised to see how many. I must have been blind while I was doing it. Now they're starting to swell up. At least none of them bled this time.
Another reason why I might be torturing myself is because no one seems to care. No one seems to notice. I wonder how long it will take for them to notice. How many cuts I need to have for them to see I'm hurting. Oh well, I feel the need to post up some lyrics that mean a lot to me right now. Do you mind?
Still Standing by The Rasmus
I wish you here tonight with me to see the northern lights
I wish you were here tonight with me
I wish I could have you by my side tonight when the sky is burning
I wish I could have you by my side
Cause I've been down and I've been crawling
Won't back down no more
Can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
Down on me, I'm still standing
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
Conscience clear, I'm still standing here
burns like a thousand stars, though you are light years away
burns like a thousand stars or more
you're up there, you're always with me
smiling down on me
can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here
It's something sacred, something so beautiful
something quiet to ease my mind
when the pressure's taking me over and over
cause I've been down and I've been crawling
pushed around and always falling
you're up there, you're always with me
smiling down on me
can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here
can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing here
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here
If you want to hear the song, click. It's not the full song though. Just a sample. I think that's it. I just love this song. It's soothing. I'm going to bed now. It's 11:11PM. Cool. Bye. I got fucking school tomorrow. I hate school. Yes, I do. I just hope no one notices the cuts I have. Heh. Nite.
Listening to: Still Standing by The Rasmus
Hello there. I was reading the card that Chewy gave me for the 100th time, and then I opened up the book and I just noticed something writen on the second page. Something my blind eyes didn't see before. What was writen was so little, yet it touched my so much. It read: "Love You! Sue Anne. From Chewy. *NVR.4GET.ME." Oh, it just crumbled my insides and turned me inside out. I don't know what it was but it made me think really hard as I held the book to my head. And then I found a tingling inside to do some painting. I had the paints. The poster paints I wanted for so long. Although it wasn't oil or acrillic paint, it was good enough for me. I got my brushes and found my "painting" music. :)
It's really relaxing music from the 1800s or something. The romantic era. I love that era. Some of the best music came from the era. Like Franz Liszt's peices. Simply incredible. But my most favourite song from this Classic album I have called "The Classical Mood; Passion", Carmina Burana, 'O Fortuna' by Carl Orff has this dark side that I just love. The album's got mostly loves songs on it, thus the name Passion.
So anyway, was I was saying, I set to work on my painting. And I slowly got this image of this black figure holding onto a heart with it's ever-so-sharp fingers. And another black figure holding a stake with a heart at the end. Another heart is on a stake with needles thru it, I don't think you can tell it's needles though. But yea, there's some more to it, but this is just a rough summary. And then there's this fire-like background. With the flames hitting the feet of the black images. I don't know what they are. But I'm thinking they represent love. And they're hurting the hearts, so the story is: Love just hurts your heart. Poor heart. Yes, poor heart.
I haven't finished with the painting. I think I'll just finish it tomorrow. Oh yea, I forgot to say I finally finished "Do They Hear You When You Cry". It's a nice book. Very interesting. So I finished it, and now I'm reading that vampire book Chewy gave me. And I know the name now! Haha. It's Vittorio, The Vampire by Anne Rice. LOL. I've only finished the first chapter though. I plan to finish the book with interest though. For Chewy's sake.
Now I'm geeling so scared. So frightened. And I don't know what for. I cut myself again. I don't know why I do it. It's almost as if I take pleasure in it. But yea, I did and it stung. It hurt and was a little itchy. But it's not anymore. And I didn't realize it then, I didn't realize how many times I had cut myself, but now there's quite a lot of cuts along my left arm. I was surprised to see how many. I must have been blind while I was doing it. Now they're starting to swell up. At least none of them bled this time.
Another reason why I might be torturing myself is because no one seems to care. No one seems to notice. I wonder how long it will take for them to notice. How many cuts I need to have for them to see I'm hurting. Oh well, I feel the need to post up some lyrics that mean a lot to me right now. Do you mind?
I wish you here tonight with me to see the northern lights
I wish you were here tonight with me
I wish I could have you by my side tonight when the sky is burning
I wish I could have you by my side
Cause I've been down and I've been crawling
Won't back down no more
Can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
Down on me, I'm still standing
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
Conscience clear, I'm still standing here
burns like a thousand stars, though you are light years away
burns like a thousand stars or more
you're up there, you're always with me
smiling down on me
can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here
It's something sacred, something so beautiful
something quiet to ease my mind
when the pressure's taking me over and over
cause I've been down and I've been crawling
pushed around and always falling
you're up there, you're always with me
smiling down on me
can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here
can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing here
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here
If you want to hear the song, click. It's not the full song though. Just a sample. I think that's it. I just love this song. It's soothing. I'm going to bed now. It's 11:11PM. Cool. Bye. I got fucking school tomorrow. I hate school. Yes, I do. I just hope no one notices the cuts I have. Heh. Nite.
Wednesday 14 April 2004
What A Bond To Break...
Feeling: Neutral
Listening to: Time And Time Again by Papa Roach
Hello. :P I tend to lack updates. It's not like I don't remember or anything. I remember when I first get online, and then I'll start procrastinating until eventually I don't do it. Haha. I need to fix that. I'll try to...
Chewy bought me a precious book that was so dear to him. He wanted it so much and yet he gave it to me. It was really sweet of him. Thank you. It was a vampire chronicle by the way. One of them stories by Anne Rice. :P I haven't memorized the name yet, but trust me, I will. I have yet to read it, I'm still reading my "Do The Hear You When You Cry" by Fauziya Kassindja book. It's actually really interesting. So realistic. It lets me know just how bad people's lives can really get while I'm away in my fantasy land dancing around with Jade Puget.
Anywayyy, Sunday was the day of my class trip. We went to the beach, just to take pictures for the activity page of the school magazine. It was fun, I guess. The guys attacked me, but it was fun. LOL. :P Yea, I hurt my leg. Hwa Lik asked me to sit on the see saw and put my legs up, so I did. And he sat on the other side, and then he jumped off. And wham! The bottom of the see saw smacked hard on the ground and it felt like my upper half of my body had been seperated from the bottom half. The pain subsided though. But now there's this ache in my leg when I lift it up 90 degrees, and bend it inwards. It feels like I've got this big cramp, and my leg just freezes with pain until I put it down again. And today, it's just getting worse. I can't put any weight on it. When I do, it feels like it's going to snap. Dear God. Isn't that sweet?
Anyway, I got in trouble on Sunday night for reasons I shouldn't say. Or rather, I don't want to say. It's embarrassing and so immature of me, so I'll just skip that part. But as punishment, my phone had been confiscated. But I got it back this morning, which was okay, I guess. I mean, it was only 2 complete boring days without a phone or anyone to talk to. I hated every second of it, I guess. Although I couldn't have cared less about it. It was like my life had stopped and I was somewhere far away. Where none of this existed. Like everything froze, and time didn't matter anymore. But it had nothing to do with my phone being taken away. I just felt so down in the dumps. So meaningless. I cut myself a few times with no expression on my face. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't feel the pain as the blade cut my skin. Haha. Actually, I didn't feel anything coz I didn't really cut myself. It was more like intensive scratching with a sharp blade until eventually it bled the blood I was waiting for. The moment is gone, and the scabs are just beautiful.
I finally finished that poem I was supposed to write for the Poetry Writing Competition at my school about success. It took a lot out of me, but I finally got the inspiration to write. And I guess I'm satisfied. I just don't believe someone like be could be so hopeful. Haha. Can you say hypocrite? Anyway, how about a sample? I can't think of anything else to put here, so I'm letting you see the poem before I send it in. I'm still debating about the name though. But I think I'll keep it.
If You Try...
When it feels like the world is crashing down,
And nothing is going right.
When it seems there's no one left,
No one to shed the light.
When nothing ever turns out,
At all, how you'd hoped.
When it seems there's no survival,
No way, it seems, to cope.
When that dark shadow above,
Starts to crumble and fall.
When you cry so hard at night,
But no one seems to hear you call.
When all your hopes and dreams,
Seem so lost and gone forever.
When the days seem to never end,
No matter how hard you endeavor.
Don't be afraid to stand up tall,
It might be a bumpy ride.
But eventually, you'll get there,
And the pain will, at last, subside.
Look for the hope you have inside,
Let it help you fine your way.
Nothing is impossible,
If you try, success will be yours one day.
So yea, that's it. What do you think? :P I can't find any words to say so I'll leave you with that. Till next time, bye.
Listening to: Time And Time Again by Papa Roach
Hello. :P I tend to lack updates. It's not like I don't remember or anything. I remember when I first get online, and then I'll start procrastinating until eventually I don't do it. Haha. I need to fix that. I'll try to...
Chewy bought me a precious book that was so dear to him. He wanted it so much and yet he gave it to me. It was really sweet of him. Thank you. It was a vampire chronicle by the way. One of them stories by Anne Rice. :P I haven't memorized the name yet, but trust me, I will. I have yet to read it, I'm still reading my "Do The Hear You When You Cry" by Fauziya Kassindja book. It's actually really interesting. So realistic. It lets me know just how bad people's lives can really get while I'm away in my fantasy land dancing around with Jade Puget.
Anywayyy, Sunday was the day of my class trip. We went to the beach, just to take pictures for the activity page of the school magazine. It was fun, I guess. The guys attacked me, but it was fun. LOL. :P Yea, I hurt my leg. Hwa Lik asked me to sit on the see saw and put my legs up, so I did. And he sat on the other side, and then he jumped off. And wham! The bottom of the see saw smacked hard on the ground and it felt like my upper half of my body had been seperated from the bottom half. The pain subsided though. But now there's this ache in my leg when I lift it up 90 degrees, and bend it inwards. It feels like I've got this big cramp, and my leg just freezes with pain until I put it down again. And today, it's just getting worse. I can't put any weight on it. When I do, it feels like it's going to snap. Dear God. Isn't that sweet?
Anyway, I got in trouble on Sunday night for reasons I shouldn't say. Or rather, I don't want to say. It's embarrassing and so immature of me, so I'll just skip that part. But as punishment, my phone had been confiscated. But I got it back this morning, which was okay, I guess. I mean, it was only 2 complete boring days without a phone or anyone to talk to. I hated every second of it, I guess. Although I couldn't have cared less about it. It was like my life had stopped and I was somewhere far away. Where none of this existed. Like everything froze, and time didn't matter anymore. But it had nothing to do with my phone being taken away. I just felt so down in the dumps. So meaningless. I cut myself a few times with no expression on my face. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't feel the pain as the blade cut my skin. Haha. Actually, I didn't feel anything coz I didn't really cut myself. It was more like intensive scratching with a sharp blade until eventually it bled the blood I was waiting for. The moment is gone, and the scabs are just beautiful.
I finally finished that poem I was supposed to write for the Poetry Writing Competition at my school about success. It took a lot out of me, but I finally got the inspiration to write. And I guess I'm satisfied. I just don't believe someone like be could be so hopeful. Haha. Can you say hypocrite? Anyway, how about a sample? I can't think of anything else to put here, so I'm letting you see the poem before I send it in. I'm still debating about the name though. But I think I'll keep it.
When it feels like the world is crashing down,
And nothing is going right.
When it seems there's no one left,
No one to shed the light.
When nothing ever turns out,
At all, how you'd hoped.
When it seems there's no survival,
No way, it seems, to cope.
When that dark shadow above,
Starts to crumble and fall.
When you cry so hard at night,
But no one seems to hear you call.
When all your hopes and dreams,
Seem so lost and gone forever.
When the days seem to never end,
No matter how hard you endeavor.
Don't be afraid to stand up tall,
It might be a bumpy ride.
But eventually, you'll get there,
And the pain will, at last, subside.
Look for the hope you have inside,
Let it help you fine your way.
Nothing is impossible,
If you try, success will be yours one day.
So yea, that's it. What do you think? :P I can't find any words to say so I'll leave you with that. Till next time, bye.
Friday 9 April 2004
Live A Little, Die A Little.
Feeling: Numb
Listening to: Talk Show On Mute by Incubus
Hwa Lik said the nicest thing to me the other day. I was so touched. My God, I never thought I'd hear such a thing from him. He was trying to annoy me, by blocking my way. Eheh. Went like this:
HL: How come you never get angry one?
Me: Haha. You want me to be angry?
HL: No.. It's just umm.. how do you say it in English.. You're so... so... good heart.
Me: Oh? Eheh...
Haha. N I was so shy I didn't know what to say. I just sat down in my seat smiling. So yea, that was really nice of him.
Lately, I've been feeling so empty. Like everything has lost its meaning. Like nothing matters anymore. And like I don't have a purpose to live anymore. I'm lost somewhere and I don't know how to get out. The emptiness is eating at me and I don't know if I will survive. I'm just getting more and more empty every day. When people ask me what I'm doing, I reply with a "dying." Ooh. I'm weird. Yea, I feel like I'm dying. Or possibly, like I'm in the future. To the time I mean the least - my death. It's like everyone has forgotten about me, and nothing matters because I'm dead.
So that's how I've been feeling. The internet connection at home has been bad, so that's partly the reason why I haven't posted in a while. Forgive me. But I trust you have been entertained while I wasn't active, yes? I've been reading this really interesting book called "Do The Hear You When You Cry" by Fauziya Kassindja. It's about this African woman who went to seek refuge in America and it's really interesting. Although, right now it's seeming very cliche. Bleh. I haven't finished the book yet, I've just finished like.. half of it. I've got a long way to go. I've been reading it between classes and such so I'll eventually have the book finished. Yay~
Numbness fills me now. I can't feel anything. I can't feel the pain. I can't feel the tears. I can't feel the happiness. Or the emptiness. Is this a good thing? I don't really care. Now that I mentioned it, I had a good cry just now. It felt good to let everything out in tears. Although it does bring back memories I wish I could forget. It's like my troubles washed away with the tears, but sadly, they didn't. They're still here, haunting me. But.. haha. I can't feel anything! I'm numb for God's sake.
I miss him. Haha. I miss my Strawberry, although he is one of the people who hurt me the most, I miss him so much. So God damned much. :( He doesn't know how much I value him, and I don't think he ever will. I don't think I'll tell him so I don't see any other way he would. Sometimes guys can be so clueless of how girls feel about them. Haha. No offense, but it's true! But maybe we girls do the same. But anyway, I miss him. I thought he would be the one who could remove this grief, but he doesn't seem to know I'm wishing it was him. He doesn't know. He doesn't know I need him. He doesn't know I'm in need of his healing. Oh how much I wish he knew. :( How do I tell him?
I'm really blank now. He just went offline. I didn't get to say good bye. I'm hoping one day he'll know how I feel. Hehe. It's just that he doesn't feel the same way about me, so he might react .. differently. I'll be quiet. Won't say anything. Shut up. Oh yea, there's that song "The Reason" by Hoobastank, it reminds me so much of him. And his girlfriend. The way he sang that song to her. Ouch. I'm stinging with jealousy. :P Anyway, I got to go. I've got school.... today. Geez. Good nite.. Err... Morning.
Listening to: Talk Show On Mute by Incubus
Hwa Lik said the nicest thing to me the other day. I was so touched. My God, I never thought I'd hear such a thing from him. He was trying to annoy me, by blocking my way. Eheh. Went like this:
HL: How come you never get angry one?
Me: Haha. You want me to be angry?
HL: No.. It's just umm.. how do you say it in English.. You're so... so... good heart.
Me: Oh? Eheh...
Haha. N I was so shy I didn't know what to say. I just sat down in my seat smiling. So yea, that was really nice of him.
Lately, I've been feeling so empty. Like everything has lost its meaning. Like nothing matters anymore. And like I don't have a purpose to live anymore. I'm lost somewhere and I don't know how to get out. The emptiness is eating at me and I don't know if I will survive. I'm just getting more and more empty every day. When people ask me what I'm doing, I reply with a "dying." Ooh. I'm weird. Yea, I feel like I'm dying. Or possibly, like I'm in the future. To the time I mean the least - my death. It's like everyone has forgotten about me, and nothing matters because I'm dead.
So that's how I've been feeling. The internet connection at home has been bad, so that's partly the reason why I haven't posted in a while. Forgive me. But I trust you have been entertained while I wasn't active, yes? I've been reading this really interesting book called "Do The Hear You When You Cry" by Fauziya Kassindja. It's about this African woman who went to seek refuge in America and it's really interesting. Although, right now it's seeming very cliche. Bleh. I haven't finished the book yet, I've just finished like.. half of it. I've got a long way to go. I've been reading it between classes and such so I'll eventually have the book finished. Yay~
Numbness fills me now. I can't feel anything. I can't feel the pain. I can't feel the tears. I can't feel the happiness. Or the emptiness. Is this a good thing? I don't really care. Now that I mentioned it, I had a good cry just now. It felt good to let everything out in tears. Although it does bring back memories I wish I could forget. It's like my troubles washed away with the tears, but sadly, they didn't. They're still here, haunting me. But.. haha. I can't feel anything! I'm numb for God's sake.
I miss him. Haha. I miss my Strawberry, although he is one of the people who hurt me the most, I miss him so much. So God damned much. :( He doesn't know how much I value him, and I don't think he ever will. I don't think I'll tell him so I don't see any other way he would. Sometimes guys can be so clueless of how girls feel about them. Haha. No offense, but it's true! But maybe we girls do the same. But anyway, I miss him. I thought he would be the one who could remove this grief, but he doesn't seem to know I'm wishing it was him. He doesn't know. He doesn't know I need him. He doesn't know I'm in need of his healing. Oh how much I wish he knew. :( How do I tell him?
I'm really blank now. He just went offline. I didn't get to say good bye. I'm hoping one day he'll know how I feel. Hehe. It's just that he doesn't feel the same way about me, so he might react .. differently. I'll be quiet. Won't say anything. Shut up. Oh yea, there's that song "The Reason" by Hoobastank, it reminds me so much of him. And his girlfriend. The way he sang that song to her. Ouch. I'm stinging with jealousy. :P Anyway, I got to go. I've got school.... today. Geez. Good nite.. Err... Morning.
Saturday 3 April 2004
Haunting Memories.
Feeling: Depressed.
Listening to: Lies by Billy Talent
Depression and sorrow seems to be all I feel. I can't feel happiness anymore and it's making it harder for me to write a poem about success. I've gotten a few stanzas done, but I doubt they're even going to be the ones that I'm going to use. I just don't know how to write about success. Anyway, I as feeling pretty content until Rudy called. He just makes it harder for me. I don't mind him, but he seems to be too dependant. I can't stand it really. And then I had to go and read Strawberry's little testimonial thingies again. Geez, that made me feel even worse. I want to smash my head thru this concrete wall in front of me. But I better not.
I cried last night. I don't really know why. I cried while talking to Rudy. But I can't remember if it was last night or the night before, I'm so blur. Excuse me. So yea, I cried. And then I found an old letter my dad sent me last year. It made me feel sooo angry. But I won't rant over here. I've already done that last night. But anyway, I cried because I was angry. So frustrated. I was caught with the phrase "the blade is cold and it stings.." in my head all day. Haha. I don't know how many times I've repeated it.
Half the day has gone by, and I can't decide if I should go out with Rudy or with.. Sycho Angel.. Ray? Or whatever. But Ray did ask me first. Which reminds me, this guy called me up and said that we chatted. He called me "gothic princess", it was kind of weird because I don't remember chatting with someone called Ray. Or Sycho Angel. But yea, he's from KB, and I just don't feel right. But I think I'm just being my paranoid self.
I think I should go now. I managed to get the computer at home to work, so that's how I'm online. I'd hate to say this, after what he's unknowingly done to me.. but I miss Strawberry. And I wish I could see him some time soon. I miss him alot. I hate it. But I miss him. What can I do? Nothing. That's it. I can't tell him coz I will look so stupid. Hehe. I'm thinking he thinks I'm immature. And that he likes me as a sister. I wouldn't want to ruin that kind of relationship, I guess this is as good as I'll ever get. But I can't help feel attracted. Something inside me is burning, anger I guess? Bye-
Listening to: Lies by Billy Talent
Depression and sorrow seems to be all I feel. I can't feel happiness anymore and it's making it harder for me to write a poem about success. I've gotten a few stanzas done, but I doubt they're even going to be the ones that I'm going to use. I just don't know how to write about success. Anyway, I as feeling pretty content until Rudy called. He just makes it harder for me. I don't mind him, but he seems to be too dependant. I can't stand it really. And then I had to go and read Strawberry's little testimonial thingies again. Geez, that made me feel even worse. I want to smash my head thru this concrete wall in front of me. But I better not.
I cried last night. I don't really know why. I cried while talking to Rudy. But I can't remember if it was last night or the night before, I'm so blur. Excuse me. So yea, I cried. And then I found an old letter my dad sent me last year. It made me feel sooo angry. But I won't rant over here. I've already done that last night. But anyway, I cried because I was angry. So frustrated. I was caught with the phrase "the blade is cold and it stings.." in my head all day. Haha. I don't know how many times I've repeated it.
Half the day has gone by, and I can't decide if I should go out with Rudy or with.. Sycho Angel.. Ray? Or whatever. But Ray did ask me first. Which reminds me, this guy called me up and said that we chatted. He called me "gothic princess", it was kind of weird because I don't remember chatting with someone called Ray. Or Sycho Angel. But yea, he's from KB, and I just don't feel right. But I think I'm just being my paranoid self.
I think I should go now. I managed to get the computer at home to work, so that's how I'm online. I'd hate to say this, after what he's unknowingly done to me.. but I miss Strawberry. And I wish I could see him some time soon. I miss him alot. I hate it. But I miss him. What can I do? Nothing. That's it. I can't tell him coz I will look so stupid. Hehe. I'm thinking he thinks I'm immature. And that he likes me as a sister. I wouldn't want to ruin that kind of relationship, I guess this is as good as I'll ever get. But I can't help feel attracted. Something inside me is burning, anger I guess? Bye-
Thursday 1 April 2004
Unrequited Love
Feeling: Down and out
Listening to: The sounds of guns shooting and people dying. It's CS, people.
I've never felt so down before. I never thought I'd feel this low. Especially over a guy. I wonder why I feel like this. I feel like bubble gum right now. It's like people have chewed me, blown me up, popped me, spat me out, and then stepped all over me. And then someone else comes along and does the whole process all over again. And all this over a guy?
I seem to have let Chewy go. He's at the tip of my fingers though, he's about to fall, but I think I'm still keeping him with me. I met a nice guy I call Strawberry. And for a period of time I began to think I liked him. Maybe I did. But then I began to feel different. It might be because of my problem with trusting people, but yeah, he seems different. And since I'd been thinking about him so much, been missing him like hell, it just hurt me so much when I read "Love izzy" in his nick. Thus, the title - Unrequited Love. It feels so much like that. But then again, I keep telling myself I never liked him in the first place, so I don't need to feel so bad. I can't help it tho, I wanted him so much to be that boy I dreamed about. I wanted him to be my pumpkin.
And so now, he's left me feeling like crap. I never thought someone I cared about so much could make me feel this way, but I guess they can. I got to go, I'm at a cyber. The computer at home isn't working. :( "Light a cigarette, tonight I sleep with a gun in my mouth".
Listening to: The sounds of guns shooting and people dying. It's CS, people.
I've never felt so down before. I never thought I'd feel this low. Especially over a guy. I wonder why I feel like this. I feel like bubble gum right now. It's like people have chewed me, blown me up, popped me, spat me out, and then stepped all over me. And then someone else comes along and does the whole process all over again. And all this over a guy?
I seem to have let Chewy go. He's at the tip of my fingers though, he's about to fall, but I think I'm still keeping him with me. I met a nice guy I call Strawberry. And for a period of time I began to think I liked him. Maybe I did. But then I began to feel different. It might be because of my problem with trusting people, but yeah, he seems different. And since I'd been thinking about him so much, been missing him like hell, it just hurt me so much when I read "Love izzy" in his nick. Thus, the title - Unrequited Love. It feels so much like that. But then again, I keep telling myself I never liked him in the first place, so I don't need to feel so bad. I can't help it tho, I wanted him so much to be that boy I dreamed about. I wanted him to be my pumpkin.
And so now, he's left me feeling like crap. I never thought someone I cared about so much could make me feel this way, but I guess they can. I got to go, I'm at a cyber. The computer at home isn't working. :( "Light a cigarette, tonight I sleep with a gun in my mouth".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)