I didn't update much while I was away.

Hahahaha. Okay, I didn't update at all while I was away. But this is what I did do:

Date: 10th December, 2007
Time: 9:50PM
Location: In bed, Taumarunui
Listening to: Confessions by Bleed The Dream

While on "vacation", I decided it would be best if I attempted to do some work, be it for the EE, IAs, or just plain studying for the closer-than-you-think exams.

I am now taking a chance at doing the second draft of my EE. Lets see how this turns out 'cause I'm already sleepy. Hehehehehehe.

Oh, yah. The sheep is good. The dogs are great. The cat is awesome. And the cows are simply the best. But no creature can beat the grass, 'cause it's just beautiful.

Note: Slight exaggeration may be in order, but who knows, really?

Date: 21st December, 2007
Time: 10:53PM
Location: In bed, Taumarunui
Listening to: Never Say "I Told You So" by The Almost

It's been a while since I even thought about updating my curious and faithful readers (hahah), but here I am, my followers; I have returned.

I've spent the past week in Wanganui, Wellington, Porirua and Paraparaumu, doing stuff (which isn't really stuff, but you know how it is), and I just got back tonight. I've had the perfect pair of shoes for me planned out in my head for the whole length of the trip, it's just so much harder finding them in real life, hahah.

Which reminds me... I'd like to let you know that I do finally understand the silly and uncontrollable way I download music. I bought The Almost's Southern Weather two days ago before realizing that I had all the songs on my laptop, which means I didn't realize how nice they sound. They are rather tip-top I must say, simply charming. Hahaha (I don't know what I was trying to do there. I think I was trying to compliment them and tell you to give them a good, hard listen, if you haven't already, please. ;]).

And I haven't even started studying properly yet! Ahhhhhh. With mock exams fourteen days away. Ahhhhhh. Very unhealthy. :|

Well, I have some suicidal tendencies to pursue. Cheerio.

Date: 22nd December, 2007
Time: 11:10PM
Location: In bed, Taumarunui
Listening to: Scars That Save by Kids In The Way

There's something terribly alerting about looking through old photo albums and seeing what things people you think you know have done. My dad's had wonderful adventures, and it makes me feel minute when I realise my dreams are so small. I want to travel across the world, sleep in on the sidewalk, make friends with strangers; the pictures make it seem amazing.

It's weird discovering how people can change so much within a matter of years, but if anything happens, I hope I change for the better.

The last 36 hours were a bit weird for me, but I'm back in Brunei finally.

There's an emotion you don't get to feel in its wholeness until you miss a flight you were supposed to catch. First, you're just generally pissed off and want to scream at anyone who talks to you, touches you, moves around you. Then, you start to consider the possibility that this whole problem may be your own fault, which makes you even more frustrated. Finally, you tell yourself to calm down as possible solutions pop up in your head; everything will be okay and the blame you wanted to rub off yourself disintegrates into itself.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, my flight was shifted two hours earlier and I wasn't told, so when I was waiting in line to check in, the sign with my flight on it disappeared and instead of putting two and two together, I just thought it was weird. When it was finally my turn to be served, I asked the lady behind the counter if I checked in for Brunei there, and she just looked at me funny and said the flight's already left. Bla, bla, bla. Drama, drama, drama. My dad spoke with the supervisor and she rerouted us (me and my brother) by putting us on an aeroplane to Brisbane, which meant we had to wait at the Brisbane airport for 6 hours for our next flight to Brunei. We got meal vouchers though, so that took about 10 minutes off our hands. Falling asleep in random places, buying MAD magazines and lots of chocolate and Aero bars. Lovely. :p

Yes, I realize my life isn't very interesting and neither are the 'adventures' I have, but it's all I've got (excluding the stories I make up in my head). For now. ;D

Talk to you later.

Feeling: Full
Listening to: Come Back by The Early November
Departure from Brunei in: 2 days

Finally ticked off most of the stuff on my list of things to do this week. *Wipes sweat off forehead.

I gave my TOK prestentation today and at the end of the day, Steveuraxeferous the inflatable green alien was dead and... *Sniffs. leaking. :'[

And I just realised how close I am to leaving to New Zealand; I'm panicking. Hahahaaa. I don't understand it either.

Feels like there's something stuck in my throat, but I can't get it out and my throat just annoyingly hurts like hell. Well, not really. I don't know what hell hurts like. :]

Ta-ta, now.

Feeling: Yucky
Departure from Brunei in: 10 days

My remaining days here are pretty busy, and this isn't even including the work due in during the week.

Tuesday, 27th November, 2007:
English Individual Oral Commentary

Wednesday, 28th November, 2007:
Lifeguarding Practical Exam
Lifeguarding Theory Exam Retest

Friday, 30th November, 2007:
Voices 2000

Monday, 3rd December, 2007:
Theory of Knowledge Presentations

Tuesday, 4th December, 2007:
Theory of Knowledge Presentations

Wednesday, 5th December, 2007:
Piano Practical Exam

Thursday, 6th December, 2007:
Flight to New Zealand

And I'm not making this any more easier with me procrastinating and all. The sickness and medication that's making me sleepy isn't helping either.

Hello, room 5331.

Feeling: Depressed
Listening to: Broken Wings by Bleed The Dream
Departure from Brunei in: 11 days

I really wish I hadn't said all that annoyingly sad stuff about people meant to be alone; how we don't ever really know what will happen to those people who come and go in to and out of our lives; that everyone leaves you eventually. 'Cause now's when I realize I don't want to believe it. I know it's a possibility; but I don't want to listen to my silly negative thoughts. Sometimes all we need is hope, and though my hope is often in the most awkward places, I still think having hope is good.

I miss hiiiim, okay.

Feeling: Lazy
Listening to: At 600 We Go Live by Hit The Lights

I think I just learnt a life lesson.

I saw a cute little puppy this evening, and I was like, "Aww. A cute little puppy." So, I called the cute little puppy over, and the cute little puppy came running. I gave the cute little puppy love and pats and all that good stuff in between, and then the cute little puppy started to bite me. I knocked the cute little puppy off and stood up but the cute little puppy attached the cute little puppy's mouth to my pants and kept trying to bite me. Hahaha. The stupid thing wouldn't let go. Then, I jumped in the car and slammed the door. :] I think I handled the situation well. Hahahaha.

This whole ordeal is very similar to people and making friends. And that's where the life lesson comes in: sometimes, you be nice to someone, you be the best friend you could be, but in the end, they start biting you and all you can do is hit them off and run away for fear of hurting them and getting hurt too much. Even if they are cute and little.

Feeling: Awake

That was the most scary conversation I've heard my grandmother have with herself. I was sleeping on the couch, procrastinating, but I woke up 'cause I heard her shouting and telling someone to get out of the house. And you know, I really thought there was someone in the house, but when I got up to see, there wasn't anyone there. So, I sat back on the couch and just stared as she chased someone out of the house, but stopped at the glass front door. The thing is though, she seemed to be talking with someone on the other side of the glass. It was so confusing. Then, she pulled out a parang (big knife), and threatened to strike whoever she was talking to.

She suddenly turned around and started walking back to her room. As she did this, she seemed to be three different people in her conversation. And this is the part of all this that scared me. She said, "Mummy, where are you? I'm here. I'm scared, mi. Why? I'm scared of chia po (great grandmother). Why? She's going to kill people. I don't care, you can't stop me. Even if you try, you can't stop me." Then she stopped and started singing a song. I looked it up on the trusty internet, and the song basically goes:
I have decided to follow Jesus.
No turning back, no turning back.
The cross befront me, the world behind me.
No one goes with me, still I will follow.

What a way to wake up.

Click.

Feeling: Doomed
Listening to: Venus by Zuckerbaby

Does anyone have a spare time machine I can borrow? Mine's at the shop, and I'd really like to just pause time for a while and I don't know, not think about those 239487 deadlines glaring down at me. Then I'll give it back, I promise. Right after that.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t take all of the easy ways out. I was going to just say "the easy way out" but then I realized how ignorant it was for me to assume that I had the 'hard way', and theeeen I remembered I did take a couple of short cuts here and there, so what I really mean to say is, I think I need to step back and breathe a little. *Inhales.

Now, if only I could get an early night's sleep.

Accidentally struck by lightning.

*Exhales. :]

FOBISSEA Music Festival in 13 days. Father, grass, and sheep in 29 days, and I can't believe I'm typing this; 20 minutes of my life gone. Ahhh!

Listening to: Everything Makes Me Sick by Number One Gun

I forgot all about this. Taken from the thought-provoking Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder that I only read for the sake of my EE but thank goodness I did, 'cause I then discovered its amazingness.

Life is both sad and solemn. We are let into a wonderful world, we meet one another here, greet each other—and wander together for a brief moment. Then we lose each other and disappear as suddenly and unreasonably as we arrived.

Feeling: Irritable
Listening to: Seven Months by Letter Kills

I had such trouble sleeping last night. And the night before that. But that's boring so we shan't discuss it any further.

I hate how the words just won't come to me, when I really wish they would.

My grandmother's had a few lapses of madness, but I'm just not in the mood to describe it in every tiny detail. It's basically what usually happens though, the talking to dead people, having real conversations with people that don't seem to be there thing. You know, that whole fiasco.

The only reason why I brought this up, though, is because, you know how people say things like, "My one surviving grandparent only speaks Spanish, and there are so many things I wish I could ask her." Well, I wish I could speak to my grandmother, too.

This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters.

Sometimes I wonder if I exaggerate my thoughts. I like to think so. :]

Time running a bit too fast for you, too? Call our hotline at 0800-TIME-IS-RUNNING-OUT now for a free consultation and stand a chance to win the universe!

Feeling: Happy

Invader Zim is on Nickelodeon! Invader Zim is on Nickelodeon! Right now. Invader Ziiiiiiiiiiiim. :D My life is complete. ♥

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: If I Apologised by Josefine Cronholm

If I apologised,
it wouldn't make it all unhappen;
wouldn't make the darkness go away.
If I apologised,
it wouldn't mean I was forgiven;
wouldn't mean you wanted me to stay.

But it's a dream
when you seem
to be walking into the Sun.
We're on first,
unrehearsed,
and we still don't know what we've done,
so we don't say anything.

If I apologised,
I don't suppose you'd even notice,
even though I'd whisper it inside.
If I apologised,
we could be the perfect couple.
Well, we could, but only in my mind.

But if you ask
for the mask,
then we're stumbling on through the dark.
But we wait;
it's too late,
and we only had to be asked,
so we don't say anything.

It couldn't hurt to try it.
It couldn't hurt too much to try.
It's there beyond the quiet.
It couldn't hurt too much to fly.

Feeling: Gross
Listening to: Make A Move by Lostprophets

Ew. Ew. Ew.

I went to open the door to my uncle's room just now, and as I did so, something fell onto my chest and then jumped onto the door frame. As slowly as it seemed in my mind, I realized what had just violated me - a lizard.

I feel dirty now. Hahaha. It was a baby lizard, and the poor thing looked like it didn't know what it was doing. It clearly didn't know it wasn't meant to jump on Sue-Anne's chest and try to jump distances only a superlizard can jump, because all Sue-Anne would do is scream and run away and then come back.

You won't be very safe here if you carry on like that, son. You see, lizards aren't meant to touch humans. We stay away from you; you stay away from us. There is so much for you to learn.

But yeah, like... read any intriguing philosophical articles lately?

Feeling: Reluctant
Listening to: Play by Punchline

For the past four days and three nights, I've been at that island I was at two years ago, Pulau Tiga. The one where I spent my nights staying up late singing karaoke and playing pool badly? That's the one. Yep. Some of the people I made friends with the first time still worked there, so it was nice to not have to start from the total beginning. I got to know Max a whole lot better this time, too. It was almost as if I hadn't left and we were just continuing a conversation we started two years ago. If you know what I mean. It's depressing and kind of awakening how I'll not see him again until two years later, and that's only if he chooses to keep working there.

On the way back home yesterday, an ambulance passed by with its lights flashing, and it hit me. My friend could be in that ambulance. Someone I locked eyes with once could be in that vehicle on its way to the hospital. And I wouldn't even know until later. Then, I'd think back and realize we crossed paths when she/he was in trouble, but there was just no way of me knowing it was her/him. It's like... the lives we live were only meant to be lived by and for us. We're not meant to know about the lives of others, 'cause it's just not possible sometimes. We can't save everyone. Especially if we can't even save ourselves.

Like Max. Or Bryan Saltus. Or the Brunei Open 2007 caddies. Or the little boys, Thomas and Marcus. Those people I've met, had conversations with, missed, thought about, bumped into. What will happen to them? I don't know.

They should really have instruction manuals on life. I think a lot of us could do with the help every once in a while.

Have a good raya, people. This is too frustrating to think about. :]

Feeling: Blue
Listening to: Juturna by Circa Survive

"You do know you can't really pierce me with your stares?" - House.

Hahahaha.

I don't know whether I'm looking forward to mid-term break or not. Which is kind of sad. But you know what else is sad? Well, I used to long for this ever-lasting IB journey to end so I can disappear to university and live a life totally different to the life I have now, but, at the moment, I don't think that's what I want anymore.

And I miss old school Fall Out Boy. :[

Oh, my goodness. I've thought about this before, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass myself, but the Click Five's new vocalist has brought a new light to the band. He makes them not as wimpy as they used to be, and his voice is very, very sexy. The whole band even looks sexier with him. It almost seems sinful. Make him stop. The sexiness! Noooooooooooo.

Feeling: Destroyed

I have vivid dreams most of the time, and some of them are pretty strange. Like the other night when I dreamed there was a whale in my living room. Or when I dreamed I was holding 4 mice by the tails and I ate them whole, leaving the tails, of course, 'cause I was holding them.

House is on TV, and he recently said something that made me stop and think. This guy is about to die, so he says, "I've always wondered what was on the other side," and House replies, "Nothing."

And you know... what if there is nothing?

Feeling: Frustrated
Watching: Rocko's Modern Life

Awww. Rocko's episodes keep ending sadly. :[ It's frustrating. Poor Rocko.

I live for Fridays; it's the only day I can come home from school and not do work and not have a feeling of guilt hanging around my neck.

From the outside of a house, we call the thing on top the roof, but when we're under it, we call the thing above our heads a ceiling. So, why do we call the top of our mouths the roof? I think I should make a petition announcing the phrase be changed to "ceiling of my mouth." Hahah, I'm sorry, I was thinking about it after lunch today when I was talking about how the ceiling of my mouth was burnt.

Hahahaaaaa. Searching for potential universities is hard.

Oh, my God. Rocko's high, hahaha. How weird for a Nickelodeon cartoon.

Thank goodness for 10 to 12 Classic Nick. :]

Yeah, this post jumps from one thing to another and back again. Were you seriously expecting a logical, well-thought post? That's just crazy.

Feeling: Uncomfortable
Listening to: My Lovely by Eisley

So. Like. 'Sup?

:p

This is awkward.

Hahaha.

I've had about 10 days in between posts for the past month, and I'm sorry the internet hasn't been my top priority lately (Well, not really. I'm not sorry). I've been spending most of my time at school, sleeping, doing work, eating, and occasionally watching the TV that always seems to be on. I've also given myself the rule that I need sleep everyday, and no amount of work is worth an all-nighter. Because of this new rule of me needing sleep and having lots of work to do, I haven't been able to watch Pepper Ann in the mornings because I'm usually too tired at 5AM. I know. Shameful. But on a brighter note, I've been able to finish work right before the deadlines, which isn't really that bright a note, but I guess it's better than nothing. And it proves my need to (let's be metaphorical today) get ahead of the ball A.S.A.P., before I start missing my shots.

I think I need a lifestyle change. Hahah.

Oh, man.

I'm very sad. I have finally received official word that the Singapore trip has been cancelled due to not enough people wanting to take over the world. But since there are a few people extremely eager to go, the dream of them going could be fulfilled if only they were willing to hack up a few extra hundred dollars, to add to the already large amount of money initially offered.

Woe is me.

On the brighter side, looks like Brunei's stuck with me next weekend. Which means, of course, absolutely nothing. :D

You know how sometimes you shake your head and say, "He/She's changed"? Did you ever stop to wonder whether it was you who changed, and not him/her? Or maybe it was your view of him/her that'd changed?

Or how about when you turn away from your problems, without actually solving them? Push even the thought of them to the back of your mind, and just forget they ever existed? I know. It sure can seem like the easiest thing to do at those times. But lately, I've been reacquainted with the idea that maybe it's not. Maybe some problems are meant to be fixed and not ignored. Or maybe we're all robots.

But anyway, I hate the way the E! News people talk about celebrities as if they actually know them. The way they make their little criticisms and pretend they know what they're talking about. "Oh, Britney's VMA performance was terrible. It's probably because she's in a total state of emotionally breaking down." Aaaaaaaaaaah, shuddup.

Disclaimer: That isn't an actual quote; I made it up as an example.

I'm so sick of life.

Feeling: Miniscule

You can change the world.

But on a completely different note, I'm going to Singapore on the 21st for some secret meeting for people who want to take over the world. I come back on the 23rd, so, if you think I'm missing during that time, it might just be because I'm out of the country, or maybe I really did go missing.

I was also thinking how it would be cool to go to Miri on the 8th of September to go to the Rockfest 3, but I just found out about something else that I kind of need to respectfully attend more than music concerts right now, no matter how rad they may turn out to be.

And so ends my wonderful post. My next one will be on giraffes and their many styles of mating calls.

Feeling: Reminiscent
Listening to: Whispers (I Hear You) by All That Remains

School's been stealing most of my time. And sleep, but let's just blame school 'cause we all know school's more evil than sleep.

I'm supposed to be doing work. So, off I go, like a good girl. To save the world; not do work - that's for losers. Work's for losers. And I'm not a loser. :D No sirree; not me.

And "Listening To Freddy Mercury" by Emery has the sexiest screams. Like woah-I'm-going-to-have-to-rape-Emery-after-listening-to-this kind of sexy. Yep. Very sexy.

PS: I went to the prayer thing for that something I spoke of in my last post, and the atmosphere at the house was so depressingly solemn. The first thing I was greeted by was my sister's husband screaming (if you didn't know, it was his brother and he was very upset), and then a baby that'd just finished crying, followed by more saddening things, like seeing his father slumped in a chair in the kitchen, smoking and looking so lost and uncertain of everything around him. It made me feel selfish.

Car Accident Takes 2 Lives

I may be overreacting, but it's the first time something like this has happened to someone I knew, so excuse me if you think this is getting annoying. I don't really know how to act, but I'll smile for now if that'll make you feel better. :]

He was a nice boy, who got a little caught up with the idea of growing up, as we do.

Okay, that sentence doesn't make sense. I was trying to be wise and inspirational. Might not be my thing.

Rest in peace, dear brother.

Feeling: Disconnected
Listening to: Playing With Fire (Acoustic) by Emery

I don't know the full story, but I'm guessing the bottom line sounds something like, "Don't drink and drive."

Death is a horrible thing. But for some reason, it's different when it's someone you know as opposed to someone you don't know personally.

Why?

It's hard when you're sitting there worrying about school, trying to finish as much work as you can 'cause frankly, it's a nuisance having it around, at 2AM, and your mum comes out of her room to tell you your friend has just passed away. You start to feel guilty you ever worried so much about something as stupid as school; it even starts to seem insignificant as it blurs into the back of your mind for that little while. Your eyes water and you realize you can't deal with this now. Not now. Not while you have other things to worry about.

It's frustrating.

When did you become the one without regret?

And he was only 16. :[

♥♥♥♥

Feeling: Out of breath
Listening to: Red And Dying Evening by Alesana

A cockroach this big just jumped on my laptop screen. I screamed, then I seemed to remember an ad that made bugs appear to be crawling on the screen, so I assumed this was an ad as well, so I said out loud (Yes, I talk to myself when I feel horrified), "Whoa, I thought it was real." I then tilted my head to the right a little and took a closer look, and the nasty thing jumped off the screen, which of course made me jump out of my chair and say "Oh, shit. It is real!" Then, I stood there staring at it for a while. I think this was the moment we fell in love for a second or two. It was short-lived 'cause the next thing I knew I had bugspray in my hands. I sprayed it, but it flew and it jumped and it got lost in my many colour pencils, so now I don't know where it is. :D

Yeah, I just needed to let the internet know because the adrenalin was pumping and I thought, "I am so cool." Then, remembered who I was and realized that no, I'm not. Hahahah.

Feeling: Thirsty
Listening to: Between Silence And Solitude by All That Remains

Regarding something I said in my previous post, guess who was on the front page of Saturday's Borneo Bulletin? My sister! Well, I mean, there was an article about her and the trip to Miri.

But enough of her, let's get back to conceited little ol' me.

Flyleaf's getting pretty big now. I just watched Die Hard 4, so I just found out I'm So Sick was in it, and they were also on MTV's Amplified the other day, and you know what happens to bands when they go on MTV...

They take over the world!

Feeling: Incomplete
Listening to: Dear Tragedy by Bayside

I guess I'm pretty slow to not have known anything about this, but for those who are even slower, on the 7th, Embracing Beyond was released on Kristal FM for the first time. It's a collaboration between some members of Airholes, Wan Long Kok, Incisive, Senjakala, Not Famous and I Mean The Snakes, and... well, let's let the music speak for itself.Yeah, it's pretty darn good. So good, I had to sneakily sneak the song into my post sneakily. I had fun deciding which vocalist sang which part. It's not up for download anywhere, but you can request it on Kristal FM, so go crazy.

I've also got baby duty this weekend, 'cause my sister went to this mass wedding thing in Miri, and I'm guessing my mum liked the idea of staying up all night tending to a tiny crying milk-drinker that keeps farting (and is actually very cute, but that's only because she gets cuter every time I see her). So, hey, I might be up to watch Pepper Ann at 5AM.

Dear Tragedy, I never had anybody, but being alone wasn't half as bad as being obsessed with a breath-taker; a smile-faker. These years alone have eaten me alive.

Does anyone else's life seem to have no meaning and/or direction?

Hmm. Just me then?

Feeling: Wide-Eyed

Baybeats was awesome. All three days had wonderful bands playing, and I loved every minute of it. I can't wait for Singfest; 10 hours of amazing music!

I mean, that's what I would be saying if my dreams of going to Singapore hadn't been crushed, but seeing as they did unfortunately become impossible, despite the fact that Baybeats so wanted me to be there, I shall say this instead:

Oogity boogity.

And if you didn't notice, I'm so not in a state of utter denial and frustration about anything at all.

I somehow feel as if I had something terribly important to get off my chest, but I seem to have already pushed it to the back of my head, never to be thought of again until a trigger is pulled and it resurfaces. So, good night. I'm going to go lie down on my bed, crawl under the covers and stare at the ceiling while imagining horrible things. You know how it is when you need to sleep but you just don't want to. ;]

Oh, I know. It's very sad posting your own pathetic teenage poetry on your online journal, but whoever said I wasn't sad? :D

Josephine
Her eyelashes curl flirtatiously,
black just like the night.
And the eyes that beg forgiveness,
closed and out of sight.

Her lips are cherry red,
as if dressed up like a doll.
The smile that's drenched in pain
peeled off - invisible to all.

Her heavy heart is cold as stone,
all her suffering drags it under.
The piercing cries that tug our minds,
resound just like the thunder.

The tears, they fall like lemondrops,
and those present begin to mourn.
She lays there so innocently,
almost begging to be reborn.

But true friends smile at the peaceful thought,
that she had fulfilled her quest.
Her head on the pillow, coffin tightly shut.
Her soul can finally rest.

Nothing's Wrong
Nothing's ever wrong,
but if you understood the meaning of 'nothing',
you'd know the reason I cry.
You would comprehend and realize
it's no use listening to my lies,
that there is no reason to trust my words,
for they come from my mouth,
and I am nothing but a speck on your glass.

Feeling: Inspired
Listening to: Entombed We Collide by Death By Stereo

Ants annoy me.

If you didn't notice the previous post before, that's because I forgot to publish it, hahaha. But you may continue to believe you're delusional and/or your internet is funky, if you wish.

Also, umm... *Squints eyes. *Strokes beard.

Nearly forgot what I wanted to say there. Lucky my super awesome memory saved me.

My dream of going to Singapore for Baybeats and/or Singfest is slowly drifting further and further away; almost to the state of being non-existant, and it's sad, but oh-so-painfully true. :[ Avenged Sevenfold... *Wipes tear.

What is life? A madness. What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a story, and the greatest good is little enough, for all life is a dream.

Feeling: Joyous
Listening to: Empty Space by Lifehouse

Today, we shall talk about wonderful things. Things like Minesweeper, the phone book, lozenges, and a possible future profession. Not necessarily in that order, or presented in the most appropriate way either.

I stumbled upon a wonderful video a few hours ago, it taught me how to stop the clock on Minesweeper, so you get a ridiculously high score (I've got mine at 2 seconds, hahahaha). But who wants to wait for a video to load when you can just read this and find out in seconds what you're supposed to do, ey?

Weeeeelllll, you know that button you press to open up the Start menu? It's called the 'Windows Key' apparently, but anyway, if you've got a Minesweeper window open, click to make your first move, then as gracefully and quickly as you can, press this so-called Windows Key and then press 'D', while still holding the Windows Key down. This'll bring you to your desktop, but once you open your Minesweeper window again, you'll see the time has stopped, and you can complete your game with no time restraints.

I know, I know; I'm evil.

Also, I'd advise setting your time to something more believable, if you want to show off, that is. 'Cause I mean, 2 seconds is hardly comprehensible. :D Oh yeah, and this would only work if you know how to play Minesweeper.

Anyway, I'm sure you all don't really care about Minesweeper. And the only reason you read this far is because you didn't want to make me feel bad and so you could have more reasons to make fun of me.

That mini tornado we had earlier was refreshing, didn't you think so?

Did you see that? I swiftly topic-changed so fast you didn't notice enough to care. I should go into professional topic-changing.

I've been sick, if you didn't already know. I found some anaesthetic lozenges in the medicine drawer though, so that entertained me for a while. :] Then they finished and I had to stick with Strepsils which are hardly as good, and that's partly because I kept accidentally swallowing whole lozenges and getting them stuck in my throat which is really quite painful, you know.

Looking after my aunt's flower shop while she's not able to do so herself between the hours of 8AM and 5PM can be quite rewarding. I didn't know the recent editions of the phone book had not only menu pages, but also a home-living section. Those few hours or less spent looking at every page of these sections in detail were not wasted at all. I learnt all about sofas and aromatherapeutic candles and plumbing. And did you know there's an Ayamku* Seafood Restaurant? Hahahah.

Alright. My bed beckons me. *Disappears into a puff of smoke.

I've seen the world; it's overrated.

*My chicken

I'd always thought the chorus to Polygraph, Right Now by the Spill Canvas was interesting, and I could sing along to the verses with no problem, too, but I didn't think it had any more properties, other than having a catchy tune and sounding like Coheed and Cambria. Until now, that is.

Especially these parts:

I wanna tear apart your room to see if what you say is true. Darling, don't you lie, lie to me. I wanna break into your heart to see why you want us apart. Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me.

According to you, we don't click; that's a blatant lie and you know it. Angel, what are you hiding from me? If there is truly another secret lunch-break, working-late lover, then I would die, but at least then I'd be free.

And oh, how I'd like to be free.

Feeling: Hungrrry
Listening to: Slit Your Own Throat by the Used

I'm gonna make me some toast, then I'll put peanut butter on it and after that, I'll get back to you.

Okay, there wasn't any peanut butter so I melted cheese instead.

So, here's the deal. I would really, really, really like to go to Singapore in the first and second week of August, but mostly the second. You will find out why in a few paragraphs.

I've been spending my days in the 1990s. If only that were true outside of my mind. I don't have a time machine, but I'm working on it. It was such a beautiful time period, and I think it was just because of the cartoons and video games, and maybe me being young and carefree. They should really have a channel with all of the old cartoons on it; being reacquainted with your childhood brings back strange nostalgic feelings. I miss those times; when our clothes didn't have to match and boys had kooties.

Oh, well. Here's a little something to keep you busy.Yes, a 30-minute video of 90's cartoon openings. 30 minutes seems rather long, but after reconnecting with your memories, time doesn't really seem that big of an issue. You'll see what I mean. It doesn't have every single cartoon I was looking for, but the rest of Youtube does.

We should take more time to remember. Why do we live so fast anyway?

And the answer is BayBeats and SingFest. The SingFest line-up includes Avenged Sevenfold, MXPX and The Academy Is..., which is awesome. BayBeats is just an amazing plus 'cause it's happening around the same time. It must be fate. I'm meant to watch BayBeats and SingFest. Meant to.

Last week was an interesting one, I'll tell you about it when I'm not so tired. Or not.

Actually, you know what, I'll just type it out now.

On the other hand, it doesn't seem so interesting anymore.

I don't sound like myself today, maybe I'm not.

Feeling: Dead
Listening to: Home by Sevendust

I've been strangely busy lately. Especially over the last 3 days, everything's been squished together and I kind of like it. Hahahahaha. Oh, that sounds bad.

My sister was admitted into the hospital on Monday morning, and I went around 4 in the afternoon. I stayed till around 1:30 Tuesday morning 'cause that's about the time when I was wishing I was in bed. If we'd waited 15 more minutes, we would have been there when she was giving birth. Hahaha. Okay, now you know; she was in the hospital 'cause she was making me a niece.

But lets talk about this labour room place. The waiting room is separated from it, and if you enter the waiting room from the labour room, you're actually locked out, so you can't get in unless they let you. Which is really mean. So when the time everyone was waiting for finally came, the nurses had kicked everyone out, including my sister's husband and they couldn't find anyone to accompany my sister while she was in labour. Sure, my sister's husband took a little walk to the shop, but this wouldn't have happened if they didn't lock people out, or kick them out for that matter. But anyway, during this time, I finally understood the black hole inside of me. It's my hatred for waiting rooms. All you do in them is wait, and I was waiting for nine hours. And you know what makes the waiting worse? The fact that that's all you can do. The room didn't even have any boring magazines. Or comfy chairs. Or board games. Or water dispensers. Or rainbows.

Moving on, I've also started sleepwalking again. Or I am aware that I sleepwalk once again. At 6:30 Monday morning, I stood at my mum's door, dripping wet and wrapped in a towel. Since I'm on holiday, my mum asked what I was doing up, and I replied, "I don't know," and walked back to my room. After ten minutes, my mum came to check on me in my room, and I was back in bed. Later that day, my mum asked why I'd done it, and I had no idea what she was talking about. If I had been sleepwalking, I managed to get undressed, have a shower, wrap myself in a towel, walk to my mum's room, get dressed, fold my towel and get back in bed. My brother confirmed I'd had a shower 'cause he said he was wondering why the bathroom floor was wet. If the wetness is because of me, and if I had indeed been sleepwalking, then I do strange things in my sleep. It scares me. I had a shower. In my sleep. You know what comes next, don't you?

The mass murders. *GASPPPS.

Alright, see you later, when I finally find time in between my wonderful adventures to tell you about them.

Hahahaha. Man, I'm sleepy.

Oh yeah, I turned seventeen on Tuesday. I know, I know, that darned Peterpan never shows up when he promises trips to Neverland. I just didn't think he'd do this to me; I've been a good friend. I've been there for him, and the only time I ever ask anything from him, he doesn't pull through. All I wanted was eternal youth and to live with pirates and mermaids. I am deeply disappointed. *Shakes head.

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: Memories by Within Temptation

With all the work due, I'm glad I survived this week so thank goodness I have the holidays to reward myself with.

Speaking of rewards, it's time for another one of those interesting grandmother stories I love to tell, about my grandmother, of course. You remember her - the same one mentioned in the posts made on 11th March, 2007, 18th September, 2006, 8th September, 2006, 20th June, 2006 and 4th September, 2004.

So, what did she do this time? Welllll...

The other day, I was just realizing that I hadn't seen my grandmother for two days because she hadn't come out of her room, which she keeps locked and nobody has the keys to unlock. The next morning, my uncle woke up at 6AM and found her lying on the floor of the kitchen. My mother came out to help him lift her up, 'cause she's actually pretty heavy, and then my grandmother told her she'd been lying there for 8 hours but we know that can't be true because both my uncle and mother were up past midnight, haha.

So, they sat her down and she spent a while drinking, then she got up to leave the kitchen, but she just collapsed and fell on the floor instead, hitting her head in the process (this is about the time I walked out of my bedroom). Then she peed herself and my mum and uncle had to lift her onto a chair and ice the bump she obtained. She was taken to her room and my mum told her she should change her clothes. My grandmother's reply shows either just how much she loves me or how quickly she's losing her mind - "Why? It's only water. Sue-Anne poured water on me."

Isn't she charming? :]

Here's the deal: I don't really care how ugly this layout is right now because I'm that sick of the previous layout and these colours remind me of candy, and candy is good. Ahhh, candy. :] I'll pretty it up in due time, lovelies. In due time.

And just to keep you up-to-date with my ever-so-hectic life, I have this to say:

1. Sports day is on Wednesday, the 20th. I'm participating in a few events, and whether or not I tell you what they are depend on how well/bad I do in them. Oh, the suspense.
   
2. I went swimming today and yesterday for 2 hours each, and I'm going again tomorrow. Why? You will know in due time. Hahahahahaha. Saying that makes me feel smart and mysterious simultaneously, which is just perfect for someone like me.
   
3. School ends on the 29th. That means two more weeks of school then I get to choose whether or not I fail at life and education, or succeed.
   
4. Blah blah blahhhhh.

Either I can't think of anything or I really don't have that much of an interesting adventure-filled existance. But I mean, come on. Me? Uninteresting? Adventure-less? Meeeeeeee? Pfffffft.

Listening to: Lady Madeline In Her Coffin by I Am Ghost

There was a time when stillness meant nothing to me. Once, silence meant lack of sound; Fall came once a year. I danced, redcheeked - each year's first snow, tongue out to taste each flake's welcome sting. I laughed, distinct from nature's cycles. A scrap of wonder, floating in a torrent of sorrow I couldn't grasp. That laugh, mouth open, sums up my past. I craved fulfillment; too shallow to know I could never be fully filled again.

I'll get back to you.

To put in the mildest of terms, my end of year exams' results are kind of a little shit. :D

Just smile and wave.

Feeling: Ew
Listening to: Let It Go by The Perfect Victim

You should listen to this song. Based solely on the two The Perfect Victim songs I've heard, I shall say they sound kind of typically scenester, but Let It Go just makes me smile at it's coolness. :D

Every Sunday, I patiently wait for PostSecret.com to be updated, just so I can enjoy the glory of finding secrets people sent in that I can relate with, or emphathize with. There's something about realizing you're not the only one feeling the way you do that makes you feel better. :p So, this week's update had one that I find really sad, just because I find things like this sad.



You know? :[

On a stranger note, I am filled up with carbonated water. I don't know how many cans of Coke and Sprite I have consumed in the past week but I am a big balloon. I have to hold myself down or I'll float away. Which reminds me, Wan Long Kok is the featured band for BruBands this month and though the band's name may seem humourous, an interview conducted by the website reveals that the story behind it is actually really sweet. And sad. But mostly sweet.

Among other depressing things, is it just me, or does this song just seem more saddening than it used to be?

A Perfect Sonnet by Bright Eyes
Lately, I've been wishing I had one desire;
something that would make me never want another;
something that would make it so that nothing mattered -
All would be clear then.
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments,
and watch it all dissolve into a single second,
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line.
'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
you are here, then you're gone.
But I believe that lovers should be tied together,
and thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather,
and left there to drown;
left there to drown in their innocence.
But as for me, I'm coming to the final chapter;
I read all of the pages and there's still no answer,
only all that was before I know must soon come after -
that is the only way it can be.
So, I stand in the sun,
and I breathe with my lungs,
trying to spare me the weight of the truth.
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror,
and you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever,
and now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water,
wishing you were a ghost.
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover,
and danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer,
but autumn came, she disappeared;
you can't remember where she said she was going to.
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing.
We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together,
and thrown into a fire with their songs and letters,
and left there to burn;
left there to burn in their arrogance.
But as for me, I'm coming to my final failure;
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better,
but I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be.
Now, I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers,
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover,
and left there to sleep;
left there to dream of their happiness.
Yeah. Probably just me.

Feeling: Famished
Listening to: Welcome Home by Coheed And Cambria

"What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end, brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated." - Leo Buscaglia

Feeling: Gross
Listening to: I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace

I woke up this morning, feeling like shit. I still do, 'cause since then, I've been groggy, had a sore throat, a cough, a fever, aching muscles and a runny nose, and to add to that, I've been quite delusional to the extent that I was talking to myself, but the things I wanted to say were totally different from what actually left my lips. You know, the usual. Maybe I should have listened to them when they told me to go to bed early. Just maybe. :D

Remember when I said I was going to look for an alternative for WindowBlinds? Well, I did. I guess the results are alright. I mean, they're not perfect, but then again, how many things are? I'm uploading the screenshots now, but they're taking ages. So, to occupy myself while I wait, I'll tell you how I managed to study for biology in one night with song.

I'm kidding, it's not a song. It's more like little stories that are easier and more entertaining to remember than those boring passages you get in text books, and yesss, that means you'd only understand them if you study biology for IB or A levels or any further education.

DNA Replication:
Helicase doesn't like DNA, so he makes them fight and their double helix unwinds and they split up. And you know, at every splitting site, replication occurs. So, DNA Polymerase sees this and he's like, "Hey, let's make some new DNA." And he calls all his little free DNA nucleotide friends over and they get attached to the original DNA strand. This, naturally, forms two identical DNA strands so yes, Helicase is happy with himself.

DNA Transcription:
Later that week, DNA have another fight and they uncoil. They get separated and RNA Polymerase decides to take advantage of this opportunity and she attaches herself to DNA's promoter region. She calls all her free RNA nucleotide friends and they bind to the DNA strand. This forms some mRNA, but the mRNA gets bored easily so she's like, "Eh, you guys are boring," and she leaves. This upsets DNA, so they decide to make up and recoil.

DNA Translation:
See, mRNA left DNA 'cause she really wanted to go to the cytoplasm, 'cause you know, all the fun happens in the cytoplasm. So, she goes, but she goes alone, until she sees her friend Ribosome. And mRNA's like, "Hey, can I stick with you? I don't have any friends with me." And Ribosome's like, "Sure, sure." And mRNA attaches herself to Ribosome. As soon as this happens, she bumps into her friend tRNA, who also happens to have a crush on her, so he gets a little attached and follows her around. After a while, they find another tRNA and they have a bonding session. The first tRNA gets really jealous though, and he leaves. However, when he leaves, another tRNA sees this, and since he thinks he has a chance with mRNA, he comes up to her and they talk and then the other tRNA gets jealous and leaves and the process repeats. And oh, my God! Polypeptide!

Glycolysis:
C6 wants to have a party, so he invites his friends, the two ATP. They come and the group turns into C6PP. It gets a bit messy and C6PP splits into two C3Ps. One of them goes home, leaving one C3P at the party by themselves, so they call up their friends, and Pi and NAD come over. But just as they do that, NADH + H+ get a little moody 'cause they don't like NAD, so they leave and the group turns into C3PP. After a while, the two ATPs have to go home, and basically the party ends because now there's only C3 left and everyone knows that's Pyruvate. And I mean, who wants to hang out with Pyruvate?

Photosynthetic light-dependent reactions:
One day Photosystem II decides to show off, so he's like, "I have chlorophyll", and traps light. The electrons really like light energy, so they get all excited, 'cause you know, it's light energy. Woo. However, being excited makes these electrons unstable so they get sent down to the ETC, which is all the way in the thylakoid membrane. They get scared and quickly release their energy while on the ETC, 'cause it's a scary thing that ETC. Sadly, protons get in the way, receive some of this energy and so they go all crazy and get pumped into the thylakoid space. Things get out of hand, and it gets too crowded in there. The Protons realize this and come back to the stroma. They're still a little crazy so as they pass the ATP Synthesase channels, which is where their friend ATP Synthesase lives, they call him out, saying, "Hey, can you help us with this phosphorylation of ADP to ATP?" And ATP Synthesase agrees, 'cause he's such a nice guy.

Photosystem I feels a little left out through all this though, so he says, "Hey, I can absorb light too." So, again, the electrons get excited, and again, they get sent down to the ETC, but because it's Photosystem I, it's through electron carriers. They panic and throw away their energy. Unfortunately, someone always gets hurt, and this time it's NADP. He gets caught in all the rustle and gets reduced to NADPH.

So, then these electrons from the water that got split by photolysis comes up to Photoystem II and go, "Let us replace those electrons you lost earlier," and Photosystem II, he says, "Yeaah, okay, I guess I can just give them to Photosystem I anyway." So, those electrons Photosystem I lost get replaced by these coming down the ETC from Photosystem II, and they start making ATP. And you know what they say... Chemiosomotic photophosphorylation is the shit.

Where was I? Oh, yes. The screenshots.


As is obvious in the pictures, there are sidebars that pop up when your cursor hovers near the edges of the screen. It's pretty handy; it has something like Notepad that pops up and goes away when you're doing something else, but the words you typed don't get erased. I used it to type this and it made me feel cool, hahah. I'm using Aston, by the way. The downside is that I don't know how to get rid of it (I actually wanted to uninstall Aston prior to typing this post up, but seeing as I couldn't figure out how, I'm stuck with it for now). I also just figured out how to change the background, so I'll do that. Soon. Speaking of things I need to change soon, I need to change Broken Smile's layout.

I'm not very good at this advertising business; I should stop. You know what else I should be doing? Readying myself for my music exam on Monday, but somehow this sickness I have won't let me. I can't sit still for long, it's really annoying and I need dinner so I'll see you guys around.

Feeling: Cold
Listening to: A Million Miles To Montreal by Across Five Aprils

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Don't you hate it when you really wish you had help but you know the only way you're going to get through this particular situation is if you do it alone? Well, I do.

This song just started playing. It's beautiful, and oh-so-appropriate right now; kind of exactly what I need - refreshment.

Yeah, and MOTA has a new song up on Purevolume, just to let you know. When Goodbye Doesn't Cut It; it's a good song, but I hate it, and only because it makes me sad, in a terrible-gaping-hole-in-my-chest kind of way. :]

But other than that, to a certain friend, though I have a huge suspicion that you will never read this, thank you.

Feeling: Tired
Watching: Prison Break

Why do I feel like I'm in big trouble? Like I've committed a horrible crime I'm soon to be punished for. Maybe it's a sign. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. *Shifts eyes nervously.

Anyway, did I tell you I'm on my mid-term break? I'm on my mid-term break. And thanks to Lynz, I have become obsessed with Prison Break and developed a lovely fetish for tattoo sleeves; even if Michael Scofield's are fake and possibly computer-generated, they're pretty. I'd also like to point out that it's not Wentworth Miller I've fallen in love with, but rather Michael Scofield; his character's too cute, hahaha. If only he were real. Then he could be my uncle or something, 'cause he's too old to be anything else and uncles are cool so I don't mind. :]

And what is with TV-Links? I've been trying to load the same Prison Break episode for 3 days now, and it just takes forever. Sure, I shut down my laptop and occassionally close TV-Links windows, 'causing buffering to start all over again and thus not allowing much progress, but hey, it should be faster than this. :p

Also, does anyone know of an alternative for WindowBlinds? The WindowBlinds I used to so shamelessly advertise earlier this year expired months ago, but I'm getting bored and need a change of scenery. Help, please. Actually, you know what? I'm going to look for it myself.

Gosh, I'm tired. Toodle-ooh.

Feeling: Messy
Listening to: A Year From Now by Across Five Aprils

Guess who was in Saturday's Borneo Bulletin?



And yes, I have a stupid smile on my face, but for the record, everyone's smiling strangely there; it's a strange photo. Hahaha.

My next and last exam is on June the 4th, and it's music. It's going to be interesting, seeing as I'm not so good at the listening paper and that it will be the listening paper. :p

Can't wait.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Bulletproof by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

My head feels tight. Must be all the studying. Hahaha. I'm serious.

By the way, this and this might be a big help to IB biology students. It's the questions in the syllabus answered, topic by topic. :]

Cheerio. *Tilts hat.

Feeling: Crazy

Well, I feel like a conceited little shit-brain, haha!

Complete and total adoration; my gift to you: my heart was yours. In ten weeks you shaped it, in one night you murdered it; torn from my chest and laid at your feet. That first step you took was the worst. Since then, you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark, and I still have these memories, but we'll never see what we could have been.

Anyway, exams start tomorrow so I should really get my ass back to studying. And by "get my ass back to" I mean "start".

Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now? Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go? Remember, 'cause that's all you can do. We'll never make another memory. We'll never make another memory.

A friend once told me you don't need others to tell you how great you are, because if you really are, you'd know it. And though it is nice hearing it from other people, you shouldn't rely on their words to make you happy. Fulfill your dreams for yourself; you don't need other people's acceptance.

So, we'll go our own ways, and hopefully, you'll remember the things I've told you. Hopefully, you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.

I'm happy I finally know what's going on. :] Because now, I can rest my head on my pillow at night, close my eyes, and sleep. In peace. And yes, that was a whole lot of topic-jumping, but that's just who I am - unpredictable. Hahahaha. :p Okay, so you know me better than I thought.

Oh, pain.

Feeling: Worried
Listening to: Close by Ash

Oh, my Goooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Pick yourself up, Sue-Anne. You think you're not doing so good, but fucking get over yourself.

I wish I could be less stupid. Hehe. And less personal. I'm going to make that a rule. Alright, that's a rule.

I don't like my personal statement. *Scribbles all over personal statement, scrunches paper up and throws it into a burning pit of burning things.

It's a Taking Back Sunday time. Have you seen the boy with my heart on his sweater?

Feeling: Angry

You've probably heard this before but ignored it simply because it wasn't very likely to happen. It was possible, just not very likely.

IT* DIED.

Just like that, with no warning, and fuck, yes, I am pissed off. Listen to me now, children, save your files, especially the important ones, in more than one place. I made that horrible mistake, and look what happened to me. It had to happen at a really bad time, too - when they're due this week.

So, now, I have to redo my English and Malay World Literature essays, biology practical report, music compositions. And on top of that, I have to study for the biology test tomorrow. What's even worse is that I'm really sleepy and I was planning on going to bed early tonight. :/ Don't think I can do that anymore.

My brain isn't working very well, it's confused about which to do: study, or start re-doing everything. I hate this and it's annoying the hell out of me. So, yes, people, what they say is true, save your files in 523533 drives if you have to, just make sure you have a back up. Or even better, a back up of your back up of your back up. It will prove itself worthy one of these days.

These past few weeks haven't been very good for me at all. :[

*My pendrive

Feeling: Disguised

A Band Once is a fucking good band (And the reason why I linked their Youtube account is because I can't find their website, if they have one, and the videos it has of them performing live give you more than enough information about how well they play). They sound great live; it's amazing. They play covers mostly, but shit, those covers are awesome, and their own songs are pretty good, too. I say this because this is a brilliant band for live gigs, if you have any and need a band. The only problem with them is their stage presence; it isn't exactly explosive, but I think that's just because, apparently, they haven't had the chance to play at many gigs.

See?
Sometimes my heart beats so hard, it pounds against my chest as if it's ready to jump out. It's not the happy kind you get when you see your crush looking at you though, 'cause it hurts. Like someone's squeezing it really hard, similar to squeezing a balloon where the part you squeeze deflates and the other part gets huge, which makes it easier to pop.

Whoever's got hold of my heart, please don't pop it. I have a feeling it will hurt like a motherfucker.

I keep thinking tomorrow's Monday. Something must be wrong.

Feeling: Lazy
Listening to: Seventy Times Seven by Brand New

Back in school, they never taught us what we needed to know. Like how to deal with despair or someone breaking your heart.

I should be writing my World Literature essay that was due on Thursday, the 19th, but lets face it: I'M LAZY. So, I decided to pay this little online journal of mine a visit, and let all Hell loose on me when I realize I really should have written this essay tonight. Hello, hi. How's everyone doing? Great.

I've been wanting to say this for a while now, and I think it's about time I let it out. Thanks to this, I can see the strange things people type in to get to Broken Smile and fortunately for my humour, there were two search engine queries that caught my attention in the past week. They made me laugh, so I hope they make you laugh, too.

1. Palir+brunei
   
2. "Fat friendly" amusement parks

Hehehe. :] Palir means penis.

I think I'm turning into a mixed breed of werewolf and vampire. My teeth are really sharp; they're starting to cut the inside of my cheek. It would also explain why I've been waking up outside covered in someone else's blood everyday. Hmm.

Aaaaaaaaaand good night.

Feeling: Worried
Listening to: Eulogies And Epitaphs by I Am Ghost

Remember when I had Acute Urticaria? I'm getting it again. :[

The liars and the vampires will break these bloody chains.

Feeling: Depressed
Listening to: Coffee by Copeland

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Anyway, I actually forgot what I was going to say. Good bye.

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: Lovers And Liars by Matchbook Romance

Let's cut out all depression for a while and talk about the trip to KK.

It wasn't so bad. It actually brought people closer together; formed and strengthed relationships that either did or did not exist before this specific event, and in rare cases, we were brought face to face with the reasons why we don't exactly like certain people, but even that helped these relationships brighten, and I guess that's all that matters in the end.

That was a long sentence.

Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.

And that just made it ten times worse. :[ And it hurts; it really does.

I don't understand.

I don't deal with endings very well. So, I guess it makes perfect sense for that to be the most painful evening of my life.

♥

Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?

Feeling: Excited
Listening to: Beyond The Hourglass by I Am Ghost

Over the past three days or so, I've been acquanted with I Am Ghost, and I'm pleased to announce that they are a fucking amazing band. And this song is driving me crazy. It's so cool, I can't help but play it over and over again. It's just an overall awesome song. All their songs are good because the band members are terrific at what they do, but this song connected with me more than the others for some reason. You just can't help sing along to the chorus and feel the tension in the guitar and violin solos, as if it was written for you. Or maybe that's just me and the creepy relationships I form with songs.

Save us from all the evil that we do; tonight we're ghosts. I've fallen down, but never give up. Create what was left behind - it was you.

I'll be in KK for six days starting Thursday and I don't know how to feel about it. First, I was excited, but then I was indifferent, and then I felt it was going to be disappointing, and now my feelings fluctuate between all three. :] And I don't know if I'll be bringing my laptop 'cause of reasons I was going to explain but then decided not to because of laziness. :]

The other day, Randa Abdel-Fattah, lawyer and writer of Does My Head Look Big In This? and Ten Things I Hate About Me, came to school. I found it interesting 'cause you know how I want to write as a profession, right? Well, I started to feel incapable and handicapped. Hahah. Oh, God. What am I going to do?

You Are An ISFP

The Artist You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now). You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children. Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs. You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.

What's Your Personality Type?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere. You're the type of person who goes along to get along. And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat. Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart. You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it. Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Let's talk about death and the terrible things it can do.

For a long time, my mum's family were the happiest people alive. They had this kind of closeness that no one could break and a spirit that could make anyone smile; it would have been absurd to think that today, that same family would be scattered everywhere, lacking contact, covering up more lies than they need to and living by rules they'd sworn against previously, consequently, turning into people they didn't believe in.

See, after my grandfather's death, all connections slowly deteriorated and it became apparent that this man was the thread that held everything together so well. So, when it was cut off, everything that it once supported fell to pieces, with a thud.

But I won't dampen your mood with the actual happenings seeing as I only know the cold side of things and I fear that even that isn't close to knowing the actual truth. Instead, I'll cut the long story short by saying, "Best friends became enemies, promises were broken and hearts were betrayed." It's a painful reality because they don't need to lie to the people they're lying to, and this amount of deceit is what makes any more lies so unbearable, but I think I'm the most angry about it.

You know that thing in life that makes you question if there's anything around you that's true; anything they say that isn't a lie? This is that.

Good night. :]

PS: I typed the word 'lie' an awful lot in that one sentence of the fourth paragraph, simply because no other word can say what I mean as perfectly as that word can.

Feeling: Funny
Listening to: Tiger Lily by Matchbook Romance

I managed to finish my biology practical report yesterday, after a much prolonged delay, and today I finally read the last page of Wuthering Heights. I feel good. Now, I've only got a whole lot of other stuff to do, but it's okay 'cause I'm (dun dun dun duuuuuunnnnn) Supermoose and I have my ways of getting these things done.

These two weeks of no school have made me love the late afternoon as my favourite time of the day, 4PM being the best. Especially at home, it's really relaxing. Hahaha. Seriously, the atmosphere and the lighting at that precise time, it's gorgeous. 8PM-12AM's when I start getting uneasy and anxious 'cause I begin to feel like I'm running out of time for whatever reason it may be. And feeling anxious is horrible; drives me crazy with silly anticipation, it does.

I just realized the band that wrote one of the most meaningful songs in my life right now have split up. That song said the words before I even thought of them. Forgive me, Matchbook Romance, for never being able to see you play this song live, it would have been awesome, and I hate how things are always too late too soon.

♥♥♥♥

Feeling: Fidgetty
Listening to: Things Mean A Lot by Red House Painters

So, it's true. As of the 12th of March, 2007, Matchbook Romance have split up.

'Tis a sad day indeed.

Also announcing their 'indefinite hiatus' is the Early November.

Yes, 'tis a very sad day.

Though, I have to admit, not as sad as the day I found out Finch broke up. That was an extremely sad day.

But that shouldn't stop us from embracing what we find special.

So, Hamish, I find you special, and I shall embrace you. If you know what I mean. :]

Feeling: Crazy

Cove is still a great replacement. Green is pretty much irreplaceable but Saosin still puts on a great show. I've seen them twice so far with Cove and once with Anthony and it's still very similar. I guess it just depends on who's hair you like more or something.

Hahahahaha. Let me repeat what's so funny: I guess it just depends on who's hair you like more or something. Hahahahahaaa.

Okay, sorry. Explanation: I was marvelling at how people were so "Oh, my God, I like Anthony more than Cove. Cove like ruined Saosin like totally. Like why did Anthony like have to leave?" So I came across this. I, personally, love Cove. I also love Anthony. I also love Saosin. And I also love Hamish. Point being Cove and Anthony both have beautiful voices, and they're both pretty good vocalists.

And yes, people are still talking about it (Anthony leaving) after three years. Hahaha. Ahh, Saosin. ♥

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: The World As We Know It by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

If you didn't know already, I'm on my two-week holiday, and I've got about six days left. I was supposed to do work today because seemingly, pretending to do work is entirely different from actually doing work. Instead, I ate, lay in bed, visited random websites, gained useless information, and channel-flicked the TV - more or less exactly the same things I've been doing these past nine days, and quite frankly, I don't feel so good. Physically.

Did you know that Tony Lovato, the lead singer of Mest was arrested for murder yesterday? Okay. Well, I thought you didn't know yet. I guess I'm pretty slow. :p

It's sad how this generation of 13-year-olds are trying too hard to act ten years older than they are, forcing themselves to go through things they don't have to go through yet. It's also sad how people just throw their life away, so thoughtlessly.

When will we learn?

Okay... Now, you can call me pathetic and kind of sad. I've finished all episodes on Youtube, which, in turn, were also all episodes that were aired, from season 1 to season 5. And I don't regret any second of wasting my time waiting for the videos to load or unstable internet connections. *Giggles.

A few days ago, I finished making two fairly simple, but nonetheless, awesome layouts, and the coding worked fine when I tried it here, but when I uploaded it all onto BlogSkins, it got all messed up and I don't know how to fix it. It should be easy to find out how, but every time I try, nothing changes and I get even more confused than before. And I don't really need to be saying all this, but who cares, right? :D

I started watching Prison Break today and I've decided, among other things, it's cool, simply because it was on TV at the right time. Which reminds me, I've been looking for this for a while now, and the first time I watched it, which was three years ago, I thought it was hilariously funny. Hahahaha. I can't remember why. Must be because there was a squirrel. And he kept saying, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Oh, my God. Something happened to my laptop. I only have two Internet Explorers open, one of them being the window I'm typing this in and the other being my search result on Youtube. There are no videos playing, and I don't have any other windows open that would cause audio to play 'cause right now, there are, I think, three voices, whispering at the same time but all of them are saying different things. It's really creepy. And I don't know where it's coming from!

Isn't this cool?

Yes, it is. Take note of Malice My Shadow; that makes it even cooler. It kind of looks like the cover for Punk-o-rama 10, but that may just be the colour scheme. But even though, suspiiiicious.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nevermind about the voices. It was a banner in the Youtube window. An advert for TalkToFrank.com that said, "Think everyone's talking to you? Maybe it's because you've been smoking too much skunk." when I rolled the cursor over it. So, that's the only reason why I bothered linking TalkToFrank, 'cause it got my attention and really freaked me out. I think it was a sign. Maybe there are drug abusers visiting Broken Smile, and maybe they need help from Frank. Hahaha. Stupid banner.

Feeling: Hungry, tired and cold
Listening to: Autumn Cannibalist by Die Mannequin

Some of you may find it pathetic and kind of sad to finish watching all the episodes of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends available on Youtube, but I'll have you know: I'm only nearly finished so HAAAAAAAH, I'm not pathetic and kind of sad.

Feeling: Incomprehensive
Listening to: The Bright Side Of Suffering by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

It's happened again, but everytime I listen to Scary Kids Scaring Kids, I fall completely in love with them and listen to all their songs over and over again because all their songs are gorgeous. Then, I listen to other bands and forget about them for a while until I come across bands like Four Letter Lie which make me want to find out how Scary Kids Scaring Kids sound again, and the process starts again. They're just awesome. I want to see them live so badly, I start whining to myself. And Tyson's voice; it sounds stupid but at the same time, amazing. I can't explain it. The lyrics mean something to me, as well. Actually everything about them is great. But I will announce to the world once again: Scary Kids Scaring Kids are fantastic.

And no, I didn't know Tyson was their vocalist's name until I looked at their MySpace a few seconds before typing his name. Hehehehehe. Yes, okay, I cheated.

I don't like this situation I'm in. What is going ooonnnnnn? :[ Why the hell am I even in this position? We shouldn't be here.

I'm losing so much blood, I'm tempted to kill all these fucking mosquitoes in a crazy rampage of fury. SLDFLWELRKHLKN. Get away, evil beasts.

The plane's getting ready to crash; I'm getting ready to crumble.

PS: This entry was a puzzle. Mix and match, everyone. Mix and match.

Feeling: Strange
Listening to: Full Tilt Boogie by Four Letter Lie

This song is good. The band's good too; they remind me so much of another band but I don't know who. It's bugging me 'cause I've been listening to them all day and no names are coming to me. It's almost as if I could say it, but I don't know how. Bloody annoying. But nonetheless, give them a listen and make me happy.

You may have noticed, but I'll remind you. I'm scared of a lot of things, from swimming in the deep part of the ocean to the future, but I get afraid more often now than ever before. I keep finding new things to be scared of. Like today, I was overcome with the realization that time is scary; it moves too fast for me, and I'm afraid I'll miss something. Or maybe it's not fear I'm feeling. Maybe I'm having totally different emotions, but I can only identify them as fear.

Yeah. Maybe I'm not such a big buffalo.

But then again, you know how they say eyes are mirrors into the soul? Did you ever think of looking so deep into someones eyes that you see nothing, just a suffocating blank darkness? I do that too often; I imagine seeing an overwhelming nothing and I imagine it to be frightening.

I'm confused.

I hate reality, and I have to stop being such a chicken.

Plus, I'm in the mood for mint ice cream with chocolate chips.

Remember?

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: Heart Beatz by the Sleeping

My friend, it hurts that you're gone.

Don't you hate those people who are great at everything they do? You try as hard as you can, but it tortures your soul to find you can't be as good as them. So, when you discover something they don't do so well with, you rejoice, simply because it's proof that they, too, have weaknesses. They may have superhuman powers, but hell, they have their flaws.

But fuck, man. I hate being okay at things. I'm not excellent at anything I attempt to do; the best I can achieve is an alright. I don't amaze people; I can't do things amazingly. I wish I could. Everytime I think I'm remotely fascinating at something, I find someone who's so much better. And It's not exactly encouraging. It's actually quite saddening, but I guess it's not as bad as being absolute crap at everything, ey?

Anyway, the point is, since I'm not splendiferous (remember this word?) at anything, it's hard to tell what career path I should take. I hate making decisions; they lead to horrible fates. But I'm guessing, so do you. And I'm also guessing the people who are good at everything have the same problem, so basically, I'm more angry at the people who are good at a specific subject, thus making it so much easier for them to specialise and I keep changing the topic, so let me start again. THE POINT ISSSS, I ENJOY DOING THINGS I'M GOOD AT. SO, I'D PROBABLY ENJOY DOING THE THINGS I'M EXCELLENT AT EVEN MORE, CAREER-WISE (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. WINK WINK. HAHAHA) SOOOO, IT'S HARD TO TELL WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO IN THE FOOTCHARR, IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO BEST.

Hahaha. That was a whole lot of confusion and capital letters.

If you can relate, I guess I'm not so pathetic. If you can't, well, I'm going to go kill myself now.

Not really, but if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

I've quoted this song before, but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve another chance to be used to express feelings. "No one ever said that life was fair, and I'm not saying that it hould be. So, knowing you are where you want to be, and I'm not comes as no surprise, but don't expect me to be happy for you, and don't smile at me and tell me things will work out for me, too. I don't want your pity. I hate your pity." - Alesana's Congratulations, I Hate You.

Hahhhhh. I miss Hamish. He left me upside down, drowning in a world too frontal for me.

Feeling: Scared
Listening to: Aside by the Weakerthans

Reality is understanding that a hello received foreshadows a goodbye to come, people leave, feelings get hurt and nobody remembers.

Or maybe it's just cynicalness.

Jumping off cliffs; breaking bones; cutting veins; taking life, just so you can, for once, be what you actually feel like:

Non-existant.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to change.
I don't need new people.
I don't need new things.
Or new places.

I don't want to grow up.

And frankly, I'm scared as hell.
About everything.

This whole 'life' thing, it's fucked up.

I can't look at it from the I'm-so-excited side of things; that side doesn't exist right now, all that's in front of me is a big black hole of nothingness. NOTHINGNESS. And it fucking scares me. :[

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk.

I'm in so much pain.

Goddamn tummyaches. :[

Feeling: Kapoof
Listening to: Counting Stars by Sugarcult

I wanna crawl out of my skin.

I just got back from watching 300, which was awesomely cool, might I add, and as soon as I walked in the house, my grandmother started talking to my mother in Hokkien. And you know how my grandmother is, don't you? Yes, she's crazy, and sometimes, the things she says makes sense 'cause it works with the things she does, and it seems very weird but let me explain.

Remember that time my grandmother stood at the side of the road, saying she was waiting for her husband to come home? Her husband who is dead? Let me refresh your memory. Yeah, well, anyway, this afternoon, she told me to clean up my mess from sleeping on the couch the night before because a doctor was coming to "do her eyes". Little did I know this was going to be the start of a very interesting day, kept entertained by some very interesting visitors my grandmother had. Later, she told my mother to take her to her friend (whose name I've forgotten)'s birthday party. And when I got home just now, she told us that the rice we had bought for her earlier was poisoned. How she knew this? Her friend (whose name I've also forgotten) told her.

She said that my mother's uncle had come, dropped off food and left to my uncle's house down the road where he had gathered with lots of other greatuncles and aunts to have dinner. She wanted my mother to take her there so she could eat as well, seeing as she hadn't eaten yet. After all, her rice was poisoned. :p More strangely, this house they're gathering at, it's empty. There's no one living there anymore. So, basically, there's a bunch of people eating in an empty house.

She also said that she had spoken with Mao Ze Dong, and that if we didn't believe her, we could call the Chinese newspaper up and ask them because she'd told a reporter about it. You know who Mao Ze Dong is, right? He was the Chinese Marxist political and military leader, Chairman of the Communist Party of China who caused the infamous Cultural Revolution which led to the torture and death of many people. You know, that guy. Who's dead. Who's been dead for the last 30 years. In fact, all these friends and relatives grandmother has seen and spoken with today are dead. And I guess it's a little scary, especially when you start thinking that maybe that's why she talks to herself so often. Wink wink.

Hahahaha. Okay. I just find it intriguing. A bunch of dead people gathering at an empty house to have dinner in the early hours of the morning. It's a little too convincing, if you know what I mean.

She did speak to some living people though. She said my cousin, who's in America, has had 6 babies from one birth, and this other relative has had 7, and all of them came to visit her. In other words, she's seen 13 babies today.

Hahah. There you go; the pieces. Now, you put the puzzle together.

But yes, 300 is a good movie; the Spartans' motives really got to me, and the way they have so much faith and hope and belief; it's nice. The soundtrack was good, too. Plenty of action and blood; beautiful. The ending had me smiling like a fool, and that kind of smile only comes when I discover something really enjoyable that doesn't drag along any other kinds of emotions like guilt or shame, just pleasure. So, I guess that's a good thing. Go watch it; you be the judge. :]

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Crimson Red by Holiday Parade

So, BGIC's over, like many things, and I didn't go to school today. Mehehehehehehe. Mehehehehehehe. MEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

I've been coughing my throat sore and I haven't eaten properly all day, which may be why I'm so hungry. Maybe. Come to think of it, I haven't been eating properly for the last four days. It can't be good.

I've also been sitting in bed with my laptop, eating chips and watching episodes of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends on Youtube. Eduardo's so cute. Hehehee. For example:

Duchess: Eduardo?
Eduardo: Ola, Duchess.
Duchess: What are you wearing?! It's hideous!
Eduardo: This is a face mask to make my skin siiiilky smooth. They say the picture tells a thousand words, I want them to be good ones.
Duchess: What's in it?
Eduardo:: Let's see... Toothpaste, potatoes, tiny pieces of rock, sand and crackers. For the exfoliating!

If you know who Eduardo is, you'd know he's a big purple monster who wears a skull buckle belt, has horns and sharp teeth and speaks in a Mexican accent. Hehehehehehehe. So cute. But of course, we mustn't forget Bloo's cuteness. :]

Speaking of cuteness, I downloaded this program called WindowBlinds from FileHippo and now my laptop is super cool.



Hahahaha. I may have exaggerated and you may have already discovered programs that do this, but let me bask in it's glory for just a moment. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Hehe. Okay. And the 'x' is glowing red because the cursor was hovering over it. Other times, it's black like the squares next to it. Ooooooooh.

Whoaaaa. I'm not hungry anymore. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I've eaten something because I haven't (I should do that soon though, I hear not eating is dangerous). Looks like we have another mystery on our hands.

Paranoia is the insect worming it's way through my subconcious thoughts. It's the larva of my self-doubt, gestating in my heart as I spiral down. And everything I touch is breaking, and it falls to the Earth in splinters, and I shiver as every splinter finds it's way underneath my skin.

I lick my wounds, trying to cleanse the infection. Rabid and diseased, reality fades away. When I push myself too far, a dream of emotional perfection has left a wounded heart trying to perceive the gifts inherent inside me. It's like squeezing the trigger. It's like opening fire on everyone who's let me down; on every beautiful lie that is only fiction.

For the first time, I'm losing control and I like it. Freedom feels like the noose is gone.

Feeling: Detached
Listening to: A Streetcar Named Desire by A Thorn For Every Heart

Wow. My nose hurts.

My brother knocked me across the bridge just now. Twice. It hurt really bad at first but now it just kind of hurts without the really badly part.

Anyway, if you're involved in BGIC, and if you see a strange-looking girl who seems out-of-place and lost, going in and out of randomly chosen committee rooms with a tag that says "ISB Reporting Team: Journalist", that's me!

Sometimes, the people you see everyday, the ones that smile and never complain about how hard life is, feel more pain than you could imagine; they think about it all the time, but you never notice. The thought that this person is going through horrible times never crosses your mind. And once you figure out there's something wrong, by means of gathering information either directly or indirectly, the sadness these people had always walked around with is now clear in everything they do. It's strange because they're doing the exact same thing as before, but now you can see how their actions are dented with the fact that they're not as happy as you once thought they were; you can see it in the little things they do, the kind of smiles they give you, and the way their eyes have more meaning than is being told, begging you to understand in the most subtle of manners. The same things, and you never noticed it before.

Feeling: Irritable
Listening to: From The Bottom Of This Bottle by Crash Romeo

You know how I've been doing GarageBand reviews, right? Well, what's cool is that two of my (many) reviews have been chosen as signature reviews, if you know what I mean. :D It's hard to explain, so I won't try. What isn't so cool is that they're for songs I'm not exactly in love with.

Haha. Can you get more insatiable?

Yeah, I guess you can. Anyway, come visit me and my amazing reviews by clicking on the link placed so subtly in this sentence. Where is it? Oh, God. You lost it. Ahhhhhhhh.

[I removed this paragraph. It was going to be about scene kids and namedropping and how it annoys me. I even quoted Hot Hot Heat just to prove how right I was. Hahahaha. I thought it was mean - which it was - so I made it go poof and now I'm happy; you're happy; life's great.]

Good night, kids. It's nearly midnight and I'm not happy with this time of month. Which reminds me. Yesterday, I was getting angry at Chinese people on TV. Hahaha. I won't tell you why so I can leave you in an awkward mysterious silence.

*Pop.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: The Ocean by Mae

People instant message you on MSN at midnight going, "Hi." To which you reply in the same manner. Then they ask you the stupidest question of "Still awake?" NO FUCKING SHIT. Sorry. I'm irritable and I miss Hamish and I'm tired and I'm hungry but I can't go to sleep 'cause I'm afraid I'll have bad dreams and I'm too lazy to go get something to eat so it's basically all my fault, so I'm just angry at myself. :] Oh, oh. And when you're at school, waiting to go home, and someone comes up to you and says, "You haven't gone home yet?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. EXCUSE ME? I try my best to hold back a "Well, if I was home, I don't really think I'd be here right now, ey." Woo. That made me feel better.

If you've done any of the above to me, this isn't actually targetted at you. I'm just in a pissy mood, and I'm sure I say, "You're up late" sometimes. Just. Yeah. Okay.

The pictures of MOTA from Friday night are up here. And I'm sorry, but none of the pictures are nice. I wasn't a good photographer that night partly because I was only taking pictures to distract myself and partly because I have no skill. I mean, there is something funny about every picture. So imagine me, while I was resizing them, laughing and giggling all by myself. And if you notice, yes, there is a microphone stand taped to a stool in the middle of the 'stage'. Hahahahaha. Oh, funny. I tried my best. The rest of the bands are here.

Am I alone in this? Never a night where I can sleep myself till day. We must try figure it out, figure it out. It won't be that easy; we lost it somehow. The night becames the space that's somewhere in between what I feel and what I'm told. Sitting on the shoreline trying to figure it out, figure it out; to find out the meaning and reach it somehow. Fall around me now, like the stars that shine and brighten the way. I need you here tonight just like this night, it needs the rain. The season has changed; the wind, it blows colder now, colder now. The clouds are raised, the rain it falls harder now all around. You come over unannounced; silence broken by your voice in the dark. I need you here tonight, just like the ocean needs the waves.