I decided to look at MOTA's Soundclick profile today. So, I checked MOTA's chart positions and, not to be a cow or anything, but I was surprised to find that

1. Out of 12,761 Other Alternative songs, She's So Special made it to #103, and is currently at #362.
   
2. Out of 100,859 Alternative songs, She's So Special made it to #693, and is currently at #2,516.
   
3. Out of 12,761 Other Alternative songs, Closure made it to #117.
   
4. Out of 100,859 Alternative songs, Closure made it to #811.

That's pretty fucking good, if I may say so myself. Especially since that list compromises of some known bands as well, such as Taking Back Sunday and Hawthorne Heights, and that it's based on the amount of unique plays, which means it doesn't count the times one person may have played the song over and over again.

Also, if you search for "mota brunei" or "mota brunei band" on Yahoo!, most of the front page is related to MOTA. Cool.

Feeling: Googly
Listening to: A Night To Remember, A Morning To Forget by A Thorn For Every Heart

So much confusion over the 'O' level results. First, there was the rumour that they would come out last week. Once that was proven wrong, the rumour that they would come out yesterday started, which was also proven wrong, supported by hearing they would only be coming out until the third week of February, or Thursday.

But everyone knows about that, so lets just get the facts out of the way; the results finally came out today, disproving all of those rumours, and I know I'm pretty late with this information, but if you haven't had the chance to see these so-called 'results', then I suggest you download them by clicking here, or if you're not into that, and are more interested in 'A' level results, then this would be the better choice, though I don't know why you'd want to do that since you're going to click on the first link anyway. Aren't you? Of course you are. :]

I'd tell you what I got, but I want you to download those documents and look for my name yourself. It always feels weird seeing my name published alongside vaguely significant results. Does it feel the same way for you, or am I crazy?

I don't know what that emotion was when I found out my results, 'cause I just kept laughing, 'cause some of my results are funny. Let me laugh it off before I continue. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm done. Since we're talking about my results here, let me just say that they aren't that shitty, as opposed to what I was expecting, and that I kicked 4 of the predicted grades in the balls, a couple of them pretty hard, too, which explains the googly feeling I have.

I changed my mind. Here they are, in all their glory and shame:

English: A
Accounts: A
Physics: B
Chemistry: B
Biology: B
Mathematics: B
Additional Maths: B
Malay: C

Hope your results are okay. *Kicks.

Fingers that tap the windowpane are numb, numb for you to feel the real pain; the kind that waits in me.

A Letter To Someone Like You by Atreyu
Why?
Sometimes this beauty is choking me, but at least it's your hands at my throat.
Your lashes brush against my cheek coupled with your breath on my neck.
The world around you falls away, and I will still be there.
I know my words are like daggers, but they cut me, too.
And I am sorry for all the fucked up things I say; I didn't mean it.
And I never realized that I can be what I hate.
Lets be happy with what we have; enjoy the beauty in these days.
Sometimes we'll laugh; sometimes we'll scream. No one said caring was easy.
I know there was a time when emotions felt like pulling teeth.
Sometimes I felt so souless I couldn't even look at me.
It's pathetic to hate who you are, and it feels like hell to change,
but I'll be damned if I push you away.
I remember when my dreams were dying and I damned the sun,
I damned the sun to pieces.
I carved hateful thoughts into my chest then you took my hand and nothing,
no, nothing has ever felt the same.

Eight months; each one of them beautiful. Ai luhv yoo, Hey-mish.

Feeling: Sad
Listening to: Ray by Millencolin

You know what? Fuck what the internet and psychologists say; there's nothing wrong with me. I think I just wanted a proper explanation as to what I was feeling, and maybe I wanted something to be 'wrong' with me so I could feel special(HAHA), but I figured it out myself. I don't have a passive-agressive personality disorder, as I once stated was a possibility. I just get jealous easily, and envy leads to me being upset, which could also be triggered by me feeling invisible. That's all. :]

Enjoy your life; some days I feel like dying. But I guess it happens to everyone, and I love you. So, my thoughts don't matter; they blur into the background of everything and disappear. ♥

cyn·i·cal [ˈsɪnɪkəl]
–adjective

1. like or characteristic of a cynic; distrusting or disparaging the motives of others.
   
2. showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit the scruples of others.
   
3. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

I can be such a cynical little girl; it's horrible.

Listening to: Injected Smiles by Machinemade God



Click to enlarge. It's about the Skatefest in KB, if you can't tell already.

Feeling: Inspired
Listening to: 100 Times by Hit The Lights

Those Eyes
Your eyes burn into me
like the flame of a thousand candles,
More brilliant than anything else I know.
They slit my throat
more deep than I can handle,
And I wish I could have you forever, but no –
The demons steal you away from me
when it’s most unexpected
I close my eyes, but you always kiss them goodnight.
It tortures me to see
the fiends so lovingly accepted,
And I curse you for making it all seem so right.
You soar across the sky,
endlessly promising a return,
So, I wait for you loyally, clutching everything you left behind.
Sometimes it seems I wait forever,
watching the stars and how they burn,
And I vainly try to count the many a time you cross my mind.
I hate you for punishing me
for things I’d never do (take away the blame),
And for making my twisted insides crumble to the floor.
I try to run away
but in the end it’s all the same,
It's always me needing you; everyday, more and more.

Everything
I've gotten over the fact
that you don't care.
'Cause now I know empty promises are nothing
but reasons to believe lies.

I've watched you kill yourself
a thousand times before.
But I never thought it would mean
no letters, less hellos, more good-byes.

My heartbeat's just too much,
I've had many an empty night
when all I do is lie on the floor,
with nothing but tears and angry music to console me.

I'm taking home memories
that will never mean a thing,
and I love because it's all I know,
and everything I wish you could be.

Everything is beautiful
but time can do so much.
and soon enough, it will show what true destruction
can do to those most comely.

I'm crying every night
because no one knows I do,
and you've become too familiar with agony
to understand this is a call.

I'm finally finished with those two. Took me a while. Bla bla bla Hamish bla bla bla bla bla experience bla bla poop. Hahahahahaha. Poop.

I posted about the emo look, and how confusing it can be at Rant-filled empty box because I'm that badass. Oh, yes. That badass.

Oh, oh, oh! Keep your 4th of February free because there'll be a Skatefest in KB where there'll be live music ranging from crap to metal. The only definite bands I know are playing are Sadness In Her Eyes and Airholes, and they're pretty fucking good bands, which is all the more reason to go. It's an all-day thing, starting as early as 8AM and ending at 6PM. And entrance is free. What more could you ask for? :D

So, make me promises, boy. The kind I know you can't keep.

Feeling: Stupid
Listening to: As I Destruct by Threat Signal

There was this girl - a doll - hanging and dancing on strings, black hair and smiling. She lived just off of a town called Naivety; some place I have driven through from time to time, and I never had an idea. Cut the strings so we could run down the street under trees and roll in the grass. Never meant for it to become what it did in so many different ways. Never meant to always leave the driveway headed one direction, and never knew what waited when I retrned, only that her eyes were the lights in the windows that I pulled up to in the snow, slipping off the ends of icy roads at nights, racing home through the night no matter what. And the miles got further and further in between, and I couldn't ever figure myself out to save a thing. But now, I cut those strings, and she is forever dancing or lying or waiting in the lit windows for vans and buses that came less and less. And I wrote the harshest words, and she wrote the harshest words. She turned from a doll into a girl, and I from a boy into a monster, and back into a boy now and again. Eyes always red and puffy, pride always on the line. Things were much simpler when she was on strings for her, I think. Things were much siMpler when the van only went so far, before I had to press a picture of her and paste it on dashes and inside of bunks everywhere. I can't explain how I got here; it doesn't make any sense. She could follow the articles and videos or my pieced-together stories, or a dog, or a dream, or words that make half sense sent in the middle of the night. And even when I'm telling the truth, it doesn't matter 'cause the phone is always dead, and I am always 30,000 feet in the air flying somewhere. But I keep the warmest memories close to my heart even when I'm at payphones and want to cut my insides out, dry them up, and mail them to her. "I'm sorry" doesn't matter anymore; the words have no meaning. I'm sorry I cut the strings and ran away. Now, when I come to look for her, I don't know where to begin. It's hard to not say "It's all my fault" but it goes through my head over and over, so I can't sleep without the ambience of my bed and the puppy. Bane songs, boomerangs, bad news, Arkansas. Goodbye, love. I didn't know you well, or too well.

Who said?

EMERGENCY POST.

Oh, my Goddddddd. The Divining and Threat Signal are so cool. You have to listen to them. Please. For your own sake. They are that good. And the guitar. Simply amazing.

A Trust Betrayed are pretty cool, too. But those other two are my favourites; I can't choose between them.

How lucky am I? Three oh-my-god-wow bands in two hours, and by 'oh-my-god-wow bands', I mean they make you go "Oh, my God, wow" on the first listen. Those bands are hard to come by, and I found three of them. In two hours. All by chance. Luh-kee. Unless it's fate. Then, that's another story.

I did that random profile jump thing on Purevolume, put it on 'Metalcore', clicked 'go', came across A Trust Betrayed, was amazed, clicked 'go' again, came across The Divining, was even more amazed, searched for the 'Reprisal' album on Ares, came across Threat Signal who happen to have the album name 'Under Reprisal' instead, visited their Purevolume out of curiosity, and was further amazed. I love Purevolume.

But you have to admit, these bands are fucking awesome.

P.S: Did you find that Minesweeper guide I typed out earlier of help to you?
P.P.S: Hahah.
P.P.P.S: Seriously though, did you?

Feeling: Sneezy
Listening to: Lipgloss And Letdown by A Static Lullaby

Woo. Sneezed four times in a row.

Listening to this song made me think about how much A Static Lullaby changed from their 2003 album to their 2005 album. If you've only heard their earlier stuff, then you should give a listen to their 2005 music 'cause they differ a lot, and vice versa. At the moment, you'd say their 2003 album is very emo(whatever that means), but the fact is, those songs were out before everyone was obsessed with being emo(whatever that means). And their appearance has changed too! Watch the Lipgloss And Letdown video, then Stand Up. Total contrast. Actually, their look goes with their music, so that must be why. :] And now they have their 2006 album out, which I haven't heard yet, but am downloading, so I wonder what they sound like, or look like, this time. Heeheehee.

Also, I've mastered the game of Minesweeper. I now understand the logic of it all, and I feel so cool. Hahaha. I mean, after years of not getting what those little numbers mean and randomly clicking on squares, it feels good to finally be able to say I know what I'm doing.

And because I'm over-brimming with coolness, I've decided to share the technique with you. So, you, too, can show off your Minesweeperness. :] Let's start off with beginner level.

Now, the first step is entirely up to luck. Click on any square, and eventually, you'll get something that looks like this:


However, I think that was a little too fast. Hahahah.

Seriously now. The numbers represent how many mines are touching the square containing the number. Before we go any further, let's look at that picture above a little closer.


I've drawn lines to show how the numbers are connected to the mines. I thought it'd make more sense that way. Now, you can open Minesweeper and do it by yourself because clearly, I can't find the words to explain the process of winning the game which is why I chose to show you in pictures. :D Not every game is winnable though, so don't feel bad if you lose(HAHAH. LOSER).

Alright. I just spent the last 6 paragraphs talking about Minesweeper. Awesome.

You know what else is awesome? I made spaghetti for dinner. Hehehe. That's right, SPAGHETTI!

May the force be with you. (Heheh. Star Wars was on HBO yesterday)

Feeling: Sleepy
Listening to: Through The Fire And The Flames by Dragonforce

I have biology homework.

And a headache.

So, everyone, click to stay alive! DOOOO IIIIT!

Please. :]

I didn't tell you, but MOTA performed at a private function for this group of people called the All Klubai Organisation on Saturday night at the TT Blues Cafe. HEHEHEHE. Teetee Bloos. Mosh is another funny-sounding word that I should giggle at. HEHEHEHE. But that's besides the point. The point is, they played amazingly, received great feedback and will be recording soon. Unless they choose to be unpredictable and not do it. Or maybe it'll be more unpredictable to actually do it. Woo-oo-oooooo. But other than that, I have one thing to ask: what the hell does 'klubai' mean?

I feel like shutting UNauthentic down. It was supposed to be an anti-blog site, but umm. I think.. It doesn't matter what I think, so I won't say it. Hoho. But then again, I just thought of a reason to keep it, so nevermind.

My eyes are tired.

Among other things I failed to mention, I listened to Bury Your Head by Saosin everyday and did an adventure course in New Zealand. It was awesome. The feeling was great and it made me want to do it all over again. I'd show you pictures, but my sister took them away and I don't know where they are, so wiggle. And before you ask where the rocks are, it's Rock'n Ropes, not Rock 'N' Ropes. Now that that's settled, good night, children.

Feeling: Happy
Listening to: Someone Else's Arms by Mae

Regarding the first post I made on the 3rd:

Close the door, we'll stay inside. I miss the fireworks burning in your eyes. [xanga.com/soulclutcher] [mota-vated.co.nr] says:
you know.. im gonna walk with you all the way.
Close the door, we'll stay inside. I miss the fireworks burning in your eyes. [xanga.com/soulclutcher] [mota-vated.co.nr] says:
for the whole journey..
Close the door, we'll stay inside. I miss the fireworks burning in your eyes. [xanga.com/soulclutcher] [mota-vated.co.nr] says:
♥

Makes me crumble on the inside. The happy kind of crumble that jiggles my heart a little. You know; that kind of crumble. :]

And my jaw doesn't hurt anymore. Yay.

Feeling: Painful
Listening to: Smile In Your Sleep by Silverstein

My jaw's been clicking since the middle of last year, and the reason why nobody knows this is because whenever I tell someone, they don't listen. :D And by click, I mean, I can feel my top jaw and bottom jaw rubbing against each other, it makes a 'click' sound, and occasionally, it locks and I can't open my mouth as wide as I normally would. Tilting my head to the right causes my jaw to lock without clicking, and forcing through the lock is just stupid because it'd hurt. This isn't that big of a problem though because I can easily unlock it, but the right side of my jaw's been hurting all day. I can't clench the right side of my mouth down tight, 'cause it makes the pain worse. Something is wrong with me! Or maybe I want something to be wrong with me, which is why I think something's wrong with me, which makes it just all too confusing to actually understand whether or not something is wrong with me. Oh, the drama.

Completely off topic, I had a silly conversation with my brother last night while we were both on separate laptops in my bedroom. The capital letters and exclamation marks meaning increased loudness in voice, of course.

HIM: Is that song called 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'?
ME: No.
HIM: Then what?
ME: (Looks at laptop screen) The Ocean.
HIM: Huh? Sing it for me.
ME: Wooooo-oooohh. (Singing along to Mae's The Ocean that was playing on Windows Media Player)
HIM: Not that song!
ME: Oh! Then, yeah. Wake Me Up When September Ends. (Sings a bit of the song)
HIM: What comes after September?
ME: Ends.
HIM: WHAT COMES AFTER SEPTEMBER?!
ME: ENDS!
HIM: In real life!
ME: Oh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. October.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Yes, I can get quite absorbed in my own little world at times. Quite. Absorbed. In my own little world. At times.

Woah. Isn't it weird how when you're angry, your temples start throbbing really hard and it feels like your head swells up twice it's size?

Feeling: Hungry

Sometimes I miss New Zealand. But only sometimes. And sometimes doesn't cover most of the time, so I guess it's okay. I've been back since the 27th of December, and frankly, I found it hard to type out proper posts before today, as you may have noticed, simply because... Okay, I don't have a reason. :D Anyway, I guess I should start off by wishing you have a happy 2007 filled with more excitements, less regrets, more happiness, and less sorrow than last year 'cause it seems like a good thing to wish for, ey.

On a bigger note, I have to go back to school tomorrow. And lately, I've been questioning my abilities. I don't know if I can do it. Fuck. It's times like these I wish I hadn't started school yet, and waited till September instead. I'm scared. I just hope as I walk along this long road, there will be people standing at either side, helping me on my way, and occasionally, the certain person who steps on to the road and walks next to me. Or even better, someone who walks with me for the whole journey.

Hahahaha. That sounds slightly gay, but I'm serious. I'm scared. O_O

This paragraph was going to be me talking about how my beliefs on religious matters have shifted and gone 'round in circles, but I won't 'cause I don't have to. Maybe one day I'll get back to you on that, but maybe not.

"Yeah, whatever. So, what did you do in New Zealand?" you may ask. I'll tell you what in one sentence. I spent my time there climbing trees, petting sheep, walking dogs, going to the hospital, text messaging Hamish, backbiting my stepmother, talking with my dad, learning new things about my mother, buying $6.82 worth of candy, doing volunteer work at a rest home, making sandwiches, listening to religious talks, sleeping on the floor, completing two 750-piece puzzles and one 1000-piece puzzle, getting attacked by cats, climbing hills, going on swings, picking up my halfbrothers from school, shopping, meeting people, writing, studying, and buying CDs you can't get in Brunei. And after all that, I left two big bars of Aero mint chocolate in the garage fridge. Pissed me off so much. Haaaa. Slknknsfknknefpwoejr.

I have a laptop now, by the way. It's my uncle's old one, though 'cause he got himself a new one, so it has it's flaws. But who am I to complain?

Feeling: Alright
Listening to: Sympathy by Red Lipstick Letter


Hahahahahaha.

Oh, the things I find funny.

Feeling: Hissy
Listening to: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

On this rare occasion, I wish you a merry Christmas, though I don't know the meaning of it, I'll join the world in their celebrations simply because I can.

Cheers.

Why are the words never enough? And the timing; it's just too much. Without you here, the days are so lonely, the tears are beyond my control. For you have the voice that speaks to my heart, the eyes that see into my soul. So, don't destroy it. Waste not, want not; that's what they say. And this time, I think you should listen to them.

Weeell.

That was uncalled for. Have a nice day. :]

Hickery dickery dock.

Days till I return: 14

Feeling: Rushed
Listening to: Bury Your Head by Saosin

My brother slammed my finger in the cupboard the other day. I screamed; it hurt. I cried; it bled. Then, I stopped 'cause I realized it was a tiny cut and I'm more bad ass than that. Hahaha.

I wrote this last night before going to bed. You know how moose are; they're crazy and their minds only work when they're not supposed to.

What Is Freedom?
We live in a world where nobody knows your name
and not a thought wonders whether you will make it or not.
The warnings are clear, yet no soul listens;
the gates are closing, yet none will come.
We beg for things we don't know the meaning of;
we suffer for things too complex to understand.
We complain the chains hold us too tightly;
that they cut and bleed and scar.
We argue the boundaries limit us too often;
that they drag and cry and hurt.
We long for liberty; we cry, we shout.
Like babes, we know no other way.
And like a babe, I question, in all honesty and truth,
what is freedom but a state of mind?
What is freedom but an idea?

Call me your valentine.

And if it isn't plain enough to see, I miss you, Mr. Hutchinson.

Feeling: Sad
Listening to: Satellite by Takota

This is a pretty song. It humbles my thoughts and lets me feel my heartbeat stronger than ever, almost as if I could fall asleep without realizing it. And it makes me sad, but it's a good kind of sad; the kind of sad you feel when you're without your soul, but you know it hasn't deceived you, and that it will be back.

Dallase, let me know. If you're there, you need to say so.

I'm leaving tomorrow, and if you still need me to put up the countdown till I leave, then you're kind of dumb. But it's okay, I won't tell. :] (If you feel I'm talking to you, then Days till I leave: 1)

I've started school again. I honestly didn't want to; I wanted to wait until September so as to get the most of what IB has to offer but what's done is done, and I go to ISB now. It's alright, and I have a plan to get through this, so I hope I can be disiplined enough to listen to myself this time, and if I do, I hope my plan works.

Battle of the Bands is tonight. I came home to pack, and when I'm done with that, I'll go back to school with my 'I ♥ MOTA' sticker on, and everyone will think I'm cool.

Haha.

God.

I'm going to miss Hamish. :[