It is true: I keep myself busy. I do all of the things.

I volunteer at a homeless shelter, I paint, I run, I go to the gym, I boulder, I attend protests, I cook, I bake, I go to movies, I dance, I attend concerts, I do a lot of it on my own, I take myself on dates, I write in my little notebook, I read books, I look for flowers to smile at, I wait for the sun to shine through the clouds, and I eat whatever I want (a lot of chocolate).

I do it because if I don't, I will go crazy.

I do it because I need the distraction to stop myself from getting bored and going to dark places.

And sometimes I don't even do it, and I run away to a hiding place where I can cry my eyes out without anyone knowing.

I am still a messed up person trying to make it through one more breath.

I think... I'm afraid of disappearing.

I don't want that to happen.

But lately it feels like it's already happening.

:(

And I am trying really hard to cling on to something, anything that will keep me here.

There are times when I'm really unhappy and I don't quite understand why.

It makes me want to physically hurt myself -- not to actually do any serious harm, but I think just so I can feel something that makes sense.

I don't ever do it, but there is a strong urge. What I do instead is: Sit with my uncomfortable, unknowable emotions and feel sorry for myself for a little while.

Okay, I should get back to trying to sleep like a good adult with things to do in the morning.