There is a special feeling I get when someone spells my name right.

And a weird other feeling when someone spells it wrong.

I've spent a lot of my life trying to be someone I believed others wanted me to be: A good girl who did what she was told and was rewarded for it.

Making other people happy and living for their praise was a safe way of securing my place in the group and belonging somewhere. It got me pats on the head and I love that shit.

But I was so busy pretending to be The Perfect Me that I never got to explore and embrace who I actually am, which has led to me pushing my own needs aside. And now the part of me that longs to be accepted and loved demands that it only matters if it's real.

So I've been trying out a Me That I Want To Explore And Embrace. But, to be completely honest, it is really, really difficult and quite exhausting. :(

She is a bit more of a hard pill to swallow; she is a disappointment compared to The Perfect Me you've grown accustomed to, and somehow that hurts people's feelings (I hate hurting people's feelings).

And that makes her feel like she's a mistake, something broken that should be hidden away and never accepted.

Like maybe it would be way easier to just go back to good old-fashioned smiling, keeping-her-mouth-shut people-pleasing.

Ngggghhh. D: