Would you believe I read over my acceptance letter too quickly to realise it's more than €13.518,20 that I have to fork out of my butt? It's €22.499,80.

And would you believe I just may be able to pull this whole fucking magic act off? :]

Feeling: Dormant

Maybe in Another Universe, I Deserve You by Gaby Dunn (via here):

What if, in another universe, I deserve you?

Hear me out. There's this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about "the multiverse" which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.

Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It's the idea of parallel universes. Right? So okay, let's presume the multiverse is real.

Well then, maybe somewhere in those infinite universes is one, or several, where I deserve you.

Maybe there's a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together and when I close my eyes at night, I'm not dreaming the way a normal person would. Instead I'm seeing flashes of our lives in the multiverse. They're not simple dreams because I miss you, right? They're scientific, anachronistic visions.

For instance:

In this universe, I don't want a family, but maybe in another, I'm more of the type to settle down. Maybe there's a universe where you hold my hand while I give birth to our daughter in a white hospital room with pink flowers and fuzzy teddy bears on the window sill. Where we take family vacations and pose for dorky pictures in our neon bathing suits on the sands of a Florida beach. Where we curl up to watch a cheesy movie at the end of a long day in our big, green, suburban house once the kids have fallen asleep.

Maybe there's a universe where we are middle-aged and taking our child to college and bickering over where to put her dresser or what posters she should hang up. Where you kiss her on the forehead 'goodbye' and we drive home in contented, proud silence, your fingers grazing my knuckles, our wedding rings glistening. Where we both have gray hair and we laugh and smile and hug and drink lemonade on the porch.

Maybe there's a universe where that's the life I want. Where I don't second guess everything and I'm not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there's a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.

Maybe there's a universe where I'm the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we're happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we're comfortable and sure, and we have cats.

Maybe there's a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don't want more, we just want each other.

Maybe there's a universe where I don't covet so much all the time and where I’m content and where I don’t wonder about picking up and moving to Japan without saying anything to anyone and where at this very juncture, I can just know I'll always want to come home and cook dinner with you.

If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong.

You just found me in the wrong universe. That's all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, "everywhen" else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging '60s — we are happy.

If this theory holds, well, by the law of averages, there had to be one universe — just this one — where we don't end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault.

So see, that explains everything. We're not together anymore because of the multiverse.

Well, isn't that comforting?

If you're sad, do like I do and just think of the other 'verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don't hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where we can have nice things. It's helpful, right?

Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.

Feeling: Eager

Starting something new is always scary (and I am a scaredy-fucking-cat), but after the huge amount of time I've spent rotting my brain and slowly dying inside, I can confidently say I am really excited to be finally learning again. And then, hopefully, eventually making that difference I want to make, doing those meaningful things that I actually believe in and want with all of my soul to do.

:]

Before that can happen, though, I've gotta find a way to fork out €13.518,20 from my butt.

Feeling: Icky

Interviewer: Give us your best tip for overcoming depression. Stephen Fry: To regard it as being like the weather. It's not your responsibility that it's raining, but it is real when it rains, and the fact that it's raining does not mean that the rain is never going to stop. The only thing to do is to believe that, one day, it won't be raining and accept it so you can find a mental umbrella to shield yourself from the worst. The sun will eventually come up.

A sudden change in circumstance.

"It is circumstance," she said. "Circumstance has made him so cruel. He is not an evil man." - The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

It all comes down to circumstance.

We're moving forwards, but holding ourselves back.

Feeling: Pensive

Sometimes, you make one mistake and the Sudoku puzzle is messed up beyond all repair and recognition. You can either graciously give up and declare it a lost cause, or draw out the whole puzzle by hand and try again.

Sometimes, despite the messy appearance, you spot where you went wrong and make the relevant moves to correct it. You will either successfully complete the puzzle, or make the situation worse by committing another offence and failing once more.

The question is: Do you keep trying to look for your errors in the hopes of a vague chance at reconciliation, or do you accept your weaknesses and admit it a fruitless endeavour? What criteria dictates which option you should choose, and which you should ignore? Where is that fuzzy, skinny-as-fuck line, and what does it look like?

Feeling: Horrible

B -

It seems it took two months of distracting myself to suddenly feel a humongous wave of guilt come crashing over me.

I treated you disgustingly, and it really does make my skin crawl. You deserved a lot more courtesy than I had given, and you were so important to me.

So, I feel like I don't deserve anything good, at all, ever again, but now it sounds like I'm making this about me again when this has also been about you from the beginning.

I have been incredibly selfish, and indeed, perhaps people should be allowed to be selfish (since it appears that's what happiness is about - satisfying yourself in some way). But now, I think being recklessly so isn't the right way to do it. And that is exactly how I've done it.

I wish I had handled us with a lot more grace, but things on television are too perfect for real life and my script isn't pre-written and proofread and guided by a team of Hollywood writers.

Oh, I am so confused, but I was so sure, but I was so confused, but I was so sure about being confused, but I was so sure, but I was so confused.

Why do I treat people the way I do? And not just any kind of people; people who treat me perfectly but who I repay by being ungrateful and conceited.

It's like I have unfairly robbed you. Of feelings, of time, of money, of effort, of everything you could have possibly given that you unquestioningly gave. Without very much in return.

And I am so, so, so, so sorry. :(

As persuasive as my newfound beliefs are, I still don't know what's "right".

And I don't know what's wrong.

- S

You will be given love;
you will be taken care of.
You'll be given love;
you have to trust it.

Maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours;
Maybe not from the directions
you are staring at.

Twist your head around;
it's all around you.
All is full of love;
all around you.

All is full of love;
you just ain't receiving.
All is full of love;
your phone is off the hook.
All is full of love;
your doors are all shut.
All is full of love.

♥

Some relevant notes on human nature that I relevantly took down from some relevant reading I had to do for my relevant Spin Unspun: Public Relations and the News Media class (back in the day):

From "The Effect of Worldviews on Public Relations" by James E. Grunig and Jon White in Excellence in Public Relations and Communication Management edited by James E. Grunig (1992, p. 46):

Tuleja (1985) pointed out that the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) works because it is a selfish rule: "The Golden Rule works not in spite of selfishness, but because of it. Jesus, that supreme psychologist, was also a supreme egoist. That is why he understood love" (p. 24). The rule is selfish because it mandates that people should think of how they would like to be treated by others and then treat others in the same way.

From "Crisis and Transition" in In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Woman's Development by Carol Gilligan (1982, p. 127):

The truths of relationship, however, return in the rediscovery of connection, in the realization that self and other are interdependent and that life, however valuable in itself can only be sustained by care and relationships.

Make the most of now.

Make the most of now.

Not tomorrow or next year - they might not even come.

Not yesterday or the day before - their moment has passed.

Fucking NOW.

It's all we really have.

Feeling: Proper
Listening to: Down by Kutless

Conventions should be broken more frequently. That way, people would realise that there aren't any rules set in stone when it comes to life and living - it's different for everyone.

Just because some person a long time ago decided everyone should follow a convenient set of steps, doesn't mean you absolutely have to. You will not die horribly unhappy if you don't and goddammit if I have revealed myself to be as self-righteous as I really am. :D

Some ideas I propose more people should challenge:

1. People can be perfect for each other, but marriage isn't for everyone. If you are perfectly fine making that kind of commitment, then that is great - but don't expect every other person to want to do the same thing.
   
2. Not everyone needs to become a parent to find purpose in life. Having a child is a huge responsibility, and it is something that should change your life forever - but some people just aren't designed to be parents.
   
3. It's okay to not masturbate. I don't get why the media continue to emphasise how normal it is to touch yourself, but fail to provide any support for the idea that it is equally natural not to.
   

In a similar vein, not everyone will agree that being unconventional is advantageous. And that's cool, too (although much less so, for obvious reasons (such as, I said so)).

Just keep in mind, a lot of these customs have been around for years and years. And although the status quo may suggest success, it doesn't exactly mean progress.

Feeling: Invalid
Listening to: A World So Cold by Mudvayne

It was magic while it lasted.




It is not your fault.

Feeling: Nondescript

It appears I have reached a new level in the colourful relationship I have with my grandmother.

Last night, I went to bed the earliest I've gone to bed in ages. I was determined to give myself a good night's rest, and I was pretty confident nothing would get in the way of that. I would get 7 and a half hours of uninterrupted sleep, and I'd have time to eat breakfast, drink a cup of coffee, scan some important documents, and maybe even put the washing on the line.

But as fate would have it, of course that wasn't going to happen.

Instead, I was rudely awakened at 3 in the morning by a very livid (and very mobile - looks like her hip has healed nicely) grandmother armed with a hard, plastic hanger, shouting angry words at me while she attempted to beat me to death.

I did not realise there was a need to lock my bedroom door at night. Now, I know. Now, my head, arms and legs all know - for a story she created in her mind.

The real sad thing is that I have no fucking clue who this Madam Teo is. Who is the lady who raised my mum and taught music lessons at Chung Hwa Middle School?

I'm almost certain there is way more to her than this all-consuming illness, but I'm sorry to say I only know the person I live with as a crazy old woman who has more hostile tendencies than friendly ones.

I guess this is one of the downsides of living with an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic prone to aggressive behaviour.

Listening to: As Much As I Ever Could by City And Colour

A glimmer of hope in a dark, dark world: GOGOGO!

I really believe in these type of movements. This is the kind of stuff I want to do. The reason I want to go to the University of Amsterdam to study Communication Science with a focus on Youth and the Media.

The best thing about Men Can Stop Rape, though, is that they are targeting a problem I hold very near and dear to my heart.

So much so that I wanted to donate some money, but they only take online donations from a limited number of countries. :[ I'll have to think of some other way.

If I could hug them, I would. I would hold the whole goddamn beautiful non-profit organisation in my arms and hug the hell out of it.

Feeling: Destructive
Listening to: Forgive Me by City And Colour

It would be much easier to rip out the motherboard completely in one go than to carefully try to get it out with the tiny little screwdriver I'm holding.

See, I've been known to fall in love. But sometimes love just is not enough.

Is it really possible to destroy someone's life? Can the harsh choices made by a single person be to blame for the vast misfortune of another? Does the responsibility lie in the way the harmer* harmed or the way the harmee** handled it?

* Yes, according to Oxford and Webster, I made this word up.
** I made this one up, too.

Feeling: Uncertain

A message for the people of 2012:

Relax, loosen up, and just let yourself be happy.

Have a fantastic new year, and for your own sake...

Chill the fuck out.

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: All Hands On Deck, Part 2: Open Water by Funeral For A Friend

Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Blinded by this light,
it is all that surrounds me.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Showing teeth, bearing fever, lost in open water
until they find, find us all lost with all the shipwreck.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control. Am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone, too far gone to be saved?

Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control.
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again, we lost control.
And I lost control.

Feeling: Pensive
Listening to: When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out by Copeland

It's a multiple-entry quiz competition, and some people have submitted a really large number of responses.

The problem is that they're wrong.

So, despite the huge amount of effort they have put in - regardless of the confidence and hope they clung to - they don't even stand a chance to be part of the lucky draw.

They went into this with all the wrong answers right from the start. They put in everything they could to get their hands on something called a "prize". They wait patiently to learn their fate. But they were never in the running.

This sounds suspiciously symbolic of something profound, or maybe of nothing at all.

I've got to keep moving lest my heart should stop for I will surely die.