Listening to: Blackbirds by Erin McKeown

Loving a robot. A beautiful robot.

You've got me choking back tears while you try to oil your rusty parts.

Feeling: Sick

When something tragic happens to a friend, a relative, or even just an acquaintance, why do some people think that a Facebook wall post is an adequate way of expressing their supposed compassion? Because it sure seems like these kind of posts offering condolences only exist for show - as if you win a prize for being the first person to post and being the first to tell the story to stalker-friendly Facebook.

The thing is, an equally, if not more, meaningful message could have been conveyed privately (that is what the inbox is for, you know), and then you wouldn't have to worry about what other wall-passers may think (which I'm sure is a huge influence on how our wall posts turn out). Plus, I'm pretty sure if the affected wanted everyone on the internet to know about the vulnerable state s/he is currently in, s/he would have posted it on Facebook themselves.

If you really want to let a loved one know you are sorry about their loss, why don't you take the god damn time out of your freakishly busy life to write them an intimate, personal message that shows you really care?

A wall post on Facebook is just too convenient.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Boa by Pegasus Bridge

I guess I've been rather busy since I arrived in Brunei, but it's been nice, for the most part.

1. I basically lived at the hospital for a month because my infamous grandmother fell over and broke her hip (she finally came home).
   
2. She's been officially diagnosed with schizophrenia and is now mostly immobile but still kinda loopy (she called my aunt a hornbill last night, it was really funny but I think you had to be there).
   
3. I had a job interview with QAF Holdings which progressed into a second job interview with Brunei Press (after which they hired me, of course).
   
4. And also spent two nights at Merarap Hot Springs (we had to take the coach back to Brunei from Lawas because the ferry wasn't working!).
   
5. Was forced to roam the untamed Bruneian jungle against my will for a total of about 12 hours (including in the rain, while lost, and in pain).
   
6. Babysat, babysat, babysat and babysat my naughty but too cute nieces (this can be really tiring and at times, frustrating).
   
7. Been called "Mummy", "Mum", "Kakak", and "Daddy" many times by little Tameera, but never "Aunty Sue" (she's so confused, I love it).
   
8. Went to my first day of work which I was extremely nervous about (I'm going to finish my second week today).
   
9. Until then, I helped my mum with her businessy things.
   
10. Made many attempts to take my nieces to the morning dentist (with success on the third try).
    
11. Watched my estranged family come together again in a beautiful way I didn't imagine could happen.
    
12. Ate lots of yummy food, and visited a decent but not extravagant number of houses for Aidilfitri (I made $10).
    
13. Tried desperately to close my HSBC account in the UK (it's really complicated and annoying, but they finally closed it on the 26th of August).
    
14. Had amazing, eye-opening conversations with people I love.

On top of that, my cousin is getting married today. I didn't make it to the wedding ceremony (because, you know, I'm a working lady now and stuff), but there's lunch and reception to look forward to. Plus the tea ceremony (Newlyweds are meant to give unmarried younger-thans red packets, so I better practice my tea-carrying skills).

I've still got lots to do though (GRE, university applications, fee-paying, license-taking, among others). So, although I can't guarantee a massive flow of steady updates, you know I always try. :]

Feeling: Queasy
Listening to: Yoko by Pegasus Bridge

I am sad. I just found out Pegasus Bridge is breaking up, and I only discovered them last November, and their music is pretty, and this is just the poop on top of the big pile of crap the world appears to have turned into.

Is there no more hope left in the black abyss called life? Because this is looking suspiciously like the beginning of the apocalypse, and I'm not one to believe in such things, but I just don't see any good coming out of anything happening right now.

WHAT THE HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?

:/

This is not good. Not good at all.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Feeling: Anxious

I'm hand-delivering the Verification and Appeal form to Registry tomorrow, and I'm suddenly very nervous about it.

I hope this works. D:

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 14

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

Feeling: Energised

You know what's messed up? Getting a 2:1 with 69.32. 0.18 marks off a rounded up First.

You know what else is messed up? Getting at least 2 points lower than you should get in a module because of lazy exchange programme conversions, especially when those 2 points would give you that 0.18 you're missing.

You know what else is messed up? I only have until Wednesday, but I am going to fight for this.

It matters, okay...?

Now, I have to go finish completing these Verification and Appeal forms, and hope to high heaven they find my argument persuasive (It is pretty darn persuasive).

And in case you're wondering, I am 21 years old now. I don't want to talk about it.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 5
Days remaining (c): 17

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Submit Verification and Appeal form
(c) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

I have many questions, but lately, I haven't been expressing them publicly because these are the kind of thoughts that will make people frown at you in disgust. They have a lot to do with horrible things happening that many of us desperately want to get rid of and the ineffective way in which they are being dealt with today, because it seems that rather than fixing all of these many, many fuck-ups, we deal with them after the fact. But why don't we prevent these things from occurring before there is even a need to cure it? It is completely possible.

So, I think it's time I invite others to ask these questions as well. And I think thinking is an important part of growing up and knowing yourself and being the best kind of human being you can be. And any society that limits the kind of thinking you can do is bound to be problematic.

Do you want to be the closest-to-perfection-possible version of yourself? Or are you too afraid to merely imagine it for fear of failure and being left with only hope?

Doesn't the world just make you so darn angry sometimes? Why the hell don't we do anything about it?

Feeling: Cranky

I have a coach to catch in about 5 hours, which means I have to start walking in 4 hours, which means I need to eat and shower in 3 hours, which means I have less than 2 hours to pack my bag if I want to sneak in an hour of sleep.

Yet somehow, in spite of my lack of time, I have decided to use some of it to come say hi to my adoring fans - because I love you guys so, so, so, so much!

Just kidding. I don't have fans, much less ones that adore me. I'm only here because packing is kind of boring and I'm getting sleepy. *Yawns.

Just kidding. Of course I have fans, and if they were to have any kind of emotion towards me, it would definitely be adoration! And picking appropriate items for travel and putting them in a carry-able bag is fun!

Just kidding.

But maybe I'm not.

Who really knows anymore? I'm just so darn mysterious. WooOoooOOo~

Feeling: Itchy
Listening to: Grey Matter by Finch

Man. I want to write an amazing entry that will justify why I have disappeared for two whole months without a word, but there really isn't anything amazing about it. I had lots of school work to do, and I was focussing on that. And you know what happens when I concentrate on doing what I'm supposed to - I mess up my sleeping schedule more times than I can keep track of, randomly decide 4 o'clock in the morning is a great time to cut off 2 inches of my hair, spontaneously buy tickets to Philadelphia for a few days later (I loved this decision, and my last day there was amazing ♥), and just general going-crazy-ness.

But that's over now. It's been over for 11 days, and now, I guess I am free of the responsibilities of a Cardiff University student (except for graduation which is in 42 days!). I can mess up my sleeping schedule all I like and buy more last minute tickets - without having to think about essays and studying and assignments! Excellent!

I will miss my Horror, Fantasy and the Media class though. *Wipes tear.

P.S. Did you notice I published some old drafts? ;] Have fun finding them.
P.P.S. Hint: They were written in March.

Feeling: Hungry

Just got back from a spontaneous and half-price plus free EP Glassjaw and Napalm Death concert. My ears are still ringing. It was good. Daryl Palumbo has such stage presence.

I apparently don't learn from my mistakes because for the whole show, I was holding in my need to urinate (A similar occurrence happened at the Anberlin concert). I even had to reject the water they gave out at intermission despite my thirst for fear my bladder would burst.

I think I shall listen to Glassjaw for the rest of the week.

Days remaining (a): 11
Days remaining (b): 11
Days remaining (c): 15

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

He was a troubled man, and he knew it. But it seemed the only problem he truly had was identifying what exactly was wrong. Why did he constantly feel like he had a hole in the middle of his chest? And why did it hurt so God damn much when the wind blew and tickled his insides like a knife?

He wished he knew.

And speaking of God, he wished he knew what that was too.

He didn't understand how people woke up in the morning with the will to keep on going. What was so precious about this empty abyss that they were so afraid of saying goodbye to? Oh, he had so many questions. But you'd never hear him ask them. He wasn't that type of person.

His type of person was the one that sits by your bedside as you slowly die, holding your hand, pretending to be strong for you when really, he was just jealous. He wanted to be in your position. He didn't see how you deserved what he'd searched for so fervently. You don't even want this. He, on the other hand, wanted - more than anything - the life sucked out of his fucking body. He wanted something to look forward to. But life had cursed him with health and a good genetic background.

"Fuck me," he thought as he turned off the light. "Lets hope it rains tomorrow."

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 20
Days remaining (c): 24

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

Feeling: Pumped
Listening to: The City Sleeps In Flames by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

The empire will fall like they planned on. Can we even last through the night? We watch as the skyscrapers crumble under the burning blue sky that blinds our eyes.

This is our last chance to make things right. A world lost forever tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight.

Let's try to find a place to sleep, it's going on days that we've been awake. A sadness that I've never seen, I said your name and you looked the other way.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, if there was something left. I have nothing left to prove, and I will live with my regrets. I'd give you everything, if there was something left.

The disconnecting count of days are fading away - the lives that we made. Tear drops will spill from your blue eyes. Intentions were wrong, I apologise. The empire is falling like they planned on, and we lost it all. The city sleeps in flames.

Lost time. Everything's gonna be fine. Right? Everything's gonna be fine. Right? Everything's gonna be fine. Right? I can't find a way to live in this life.

The empire will fall like they planned on. Can we even last through the night? We watch as the skyscrapers crumble under the burning blue sky that blinds our eyes.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, if there was something left. I've got nothing left to prove, and I will live with my regrets. I'd give you everything, if there was something left.

Because these are my last words, and this is my last breath. I'd give you everything, but I've got nothing left.

I like arranging lyrics as if they were stories. It's just the way I work, and they make more sense to me this way. :]

Anyway, I feel like this song encompasses how I feel at this very moment.

Also, I've never told you before, but every morning, the sun rises right outside my window, so I get the first rays of light coming through the curtains into my eyes. As an added bonus, when the moon is big and bright, it likes to sit in the same place outside my window.

The moon last night was beautiful.

Days remaining (a): 20
Days remaining (b): 20
Days remaining (c): 24

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio

Feeling: Unreal

I am looking more and more like a zombie. *Stares at eye bags. After the next ten days, I may actually be dead.

OH, GODDD. D:

WHY DID MY BRAIN HAVE TO STOP WORKING?!

I need that to function... :[

Days remaining (a): 0
Days remaining (b): 4
Days remaining (c): 10

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Broken
Listening to: My life crumbling to the ground*

Salt and vinegar chips are divine. But eating them while your lips are chapped and bleeding hurts quite a bit.

Almost as much as the burn I got from the boiling water I just spilled on my little finger. :'[

The water was for the cup of tea I am now sipping. I used to think tea wasn't something to love because its taste is so faint, but now I think it is rather nice. *Sips tea.

I had a flat inspection today, and I tidied my room in no time at all by grabbing everything off the floor in one swift arm movement and dumping it in my closet. No one will ever know. Muahahahaha!

Fuck.

SNAP OUT OF IT, GOD DAMN IT! *Slaps self.

*Just kidding. It's not doing that, and if it was, I am unsure whether it would make a sound or not.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 7
Days remaining (c): 13

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Rotten

"People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

'They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'" - Brain Droppings by George Carlin

Days remaining (a): 8
Days remaining (b): 11
Days remaining (c): 17

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Sore

Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault. - Rape Culture 101 by Melissa McEwan

You should read the rest of what she has to say. Please read it.

Days remaining (a): 11
Days remaining (b): 14
Days remaining (c): 20

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #2
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Lost

Need to get back on track. I'm losing time. And my mind! D:

Days remaining (a): 21
Days remaining (b): 27

(a) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(b) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

L'espirit de l'escalier {French}
-idiom

1. The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said.

This happens to me all the freakin' time. :/

LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT.*

Days remaining (a): 22
Days remaining (b): 28

(a) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(b) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

*Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco.

Feeling: Calm
Listening to: Paris by Pegasus Bridge

I think I've chosen my essay for Horror, Fantasy and the Media. :]

Todorov and the idea of the fantastic seems to appeal to me and A Tale of Two Sisters.

Maybe.

But if I loved you, it'd be the worst thing I could ever do.

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 24
Days remaining (c): 30

(a) Submit Spanish Language 'B' written assignment #1
(b) Submit 3,000 word Horror, Fantasy and the Media essay
(c) Submit 12,000 word Dissertation first complete draft

Feeling: Trapped

1. Analyse the representation of monstrosity in any one horror text of your choice using a cognitive-aesthetic approach to horror (Carroll). Assess the uses and limits of this theoretical approach in relation to your chosen horror text.
   
2. Analyse the construction of the 'fantastic' in any one text of your choice (film/literature/TV) using Todorov's model. Assess the usefulness of this approach and consider its limitations in relation to your chosen text.
   
3. Analyse the appeal of any one horror text by using psychoanalytic approaches (Freud/Creed). Relate your chosen text to key psychoanalytic concepts (the uncanny and abjection), considering the uses and limits of these psychoanalytic theories of horror.
   
4. Analyse any 'horror' text produced for television, considering how and to what extent your chosen text fits into theoretical definitions of the horror genre. (If you are analysing a TV series, focus on selected episodes).
   
5. Analyse any 'horror' text (factual/fictional/mockumentary) that purports to represent true events. Drawing on relevant theoretical approaches, consider how important constructions of realism are when defining the horror genre, and discuss how convincing you find Noel Carroll's 'natural horror'/'art horror' distinction.

Think, Sue-Anne. Think.