Feeling: Torn
Listening to: The Curse Of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For

Inside there is nothing, nothing at all.

I once wrote a story for an assessed essay that was meant to end with that line. I think it was one of my best, but I don't know where it went. I'm not extremely bothered by its disappearance, but four years ago, I failed to realise that that single line had the potential to define so many aspects of my life at various moments, or that I would find it so very difficult to forget.

But other than that, I'm only here to let you know I may be losing my mind soon.

Days remaining (a): 23
Days remaining (b): 23
Days remaining (c): 32

(a) Submit 2,500 word Doing Media Research research proposal
(b) Submit 2,000 word Popular Culture essay
(c) Submit 3,000 word Politics and Journalism essay

(Why, yes. I do have a 3,000 word essay to do for my Politics and Journalism module instead of an exam. Thank you for noticing.)

My tummy just went "Moooooooooooo."

But anyway, oh, my gosh.

So many things to think about, all at the same time.

Days remaining (a): 33
Days remaining (b): 33

(a) Submit 2,500 word Doing Media Research research proposal
(b) Submit 2,000 word Popular Culture essay

Feeling: Misplaced
Listening to: Save Your Scissors by City And Colour

J: I opened the cupboard where we keep our glasses today
J: i saw the 3 glasses bought for lee mom and you in new zealand
J: i looked at the cat one and remembered lee
J: i looked at the dog one and remembered mom
J: i looked at the cow one and remembered you
J: the cow cup looks so lonely
J: its so lonely
J: when is the last time you used that cup?
J: its so lonely
J: im so lonely
J: i miss you

Mom.

He's so American. :]

♥

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 50
Days remaining (c): 50

(a) Submit 1,000 word Popular Culture essay plan
(b) Submit 2,500 word Doing Media Research research proposal
(c) Submit 2,000 word Popular Culture essay

Feeling: Hopeless
Listening to: *Fin by Anberlin

Okay, so maybe I'm not destined to see Funeral For A Friend after all. Goddammit!

What this may show, however, is that I really should finish this work that I have not even been able to start. I've been trying all day (Not counting the four hours I slept in the afternoon (I sleep too much. It gives me nightmares)), and holy macaroni, it's late (4:07AM on my watch).

I finally understand this song. It used to just seem random and beautiful, but it means so much right now. I tried to pick out my favourite parts, but this is one song that doesn't work that way. So, here are all of the lyrics, neatly arranged in the way I understand they should be arranged, but even that isn't good enough. You must listen. Now.


*Fin by Anberlin
Feels like I'm miles from here, in other towns with lesser names where the unholy ghost doesn't tell Mary or William exactly what they want to hear. You remember the house on Ridge Road, told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone. If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling. You'll just have to trust me, I'm scared. I am the patron saint of lost causes. Aren't we all to you just near lost causes? Aren't we all to you just lost?

Tommy, you were left behind. Something will mean everything right before you die. What if you gained the whole world? You've already lost four little souls from your life. Widows and orphans aren't hard to find, they're home missing daddy who's saving the abandoned tonight. Wish your drinking would hurry and kill you, sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth - that you are the patron saint of lost causes. All you are to them is now a lost cause. All you are to them is now causes.

Billy, don't you understand? Timothy stood as long as he could and now, you made his faith disappear more like a magician and less like a man of the cloth. We're not questioning God, just those He chose to carry on His cross. We're no better, you'll see. Just all of us, the lost causes. Aren't we all to you just lost causes? Are we all to you lost, lost causes? So, all we are to you is all we are, is all we are. All we are is all we are.

Patron saint, are we all lost like you? (Lost causes, all we are. Is all we are to you lost?)
The last part is improvised, so the lyrics don't really make sense, but it's my favourite section of the song, so there.

Days remaining (a): 6
Days remaining (b): 52
Days remaining (c): 52

(a) Submit 1,000 word Popular Culture essay
(b) Submit 2,500 word Doing Media Research research proposal
(c) Submit 2,000 word Popular Culture essay

Feeling: Smelly

The cloudy night sky didn't allow me to see the Leonid meteor shower last night. It made me sad, but I went out and sat in the garden and pulled my neck back anyway. The droplets of water hitting my face almost seemed to be telling me that although it would have been beautiful, there are more important things I should be paying attention to. The universe understands. It will wait for me. That's what I thought it meant, but it appears everything is falling apart and floating away, much like a feather that leaves a bird's tail, or a leaf that forgets it's tree. Because the bird doesn't need it anymore and neither does the tree. The universe has better and bigger plans for the feather and the leaf, but it does not say what it is. We have to wait and see.

Are we all just sad children, waiting for pictures to be drawn for us so we can smile and feel special about something?

I'm staying up late as punishment for accidentally missing too many lectures and seminars. That wasn't part of the plan. Not part of it at all, and I don't know how this will help.

Oh, man. It is so close.

Days remaining (a): 7
Days remaining (b): 53
Days remaining (c): 53

(a) Submit 1,000 word Popular Culture essay
(b) Submit 2,500 word Doing Media Research research proposal
(c) Submit 2,000 word Popular Culture essay

45 lessons life has taught me*:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood, but the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today IS special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of your when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

*Regina Sparks

Now, to wipe my teary eyes, hop on this horse and ride off purposefully into the sunset.

Days remaining (a): 8
Days remaining (b): 54
Days remaining (c): 54

(a) Submit 1,000 word Popular Culture essay plan
(b) Submit 2,500 word Doing Media Research research proposal
(c) Submit 2,000 word Popular Culture essay

Feeling: Cruel
Listening to: Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits

The dice were loaded from the start.

Days remaining: 9

A paradox:

Pessimists are never disappointed, thus they are always happy.

Days remaining: 15

"You could put something cold on it."
"Like my heart?"

Days remaining: 16

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: What Goes Around by Alesana

I've never felt more destined to see Funeral For A Friend (They were meant to play tomorrow, but I've got to work my butt off all week and I wasn't sure if it was even possible given the circumstances, but thennn... Click).

I love it when cool bands cover pop/hip hop/not them songs, but even more so when they do it well. Alesana did an awesome job with this one. ♥

Days remaining (a): 7
Days remaining (b): 24

(a) Submit 1,750 word Politics and Journalism essay
(b) Submit 1,000 word Popular Culture essay

I was finally able to upload the videos from the Used's concert last month!




And these two are my favourite pictures of the night. Unedited and stuff. Because I am much too busy to be fussing over details and Jeph was awfully lovely.




Days remaining (a): 10
Days remaining (b): 27

(a) Submit 1,750 word Politics and Journalism essay
(b) Submit 1,000 word Popular Culture essay plan

Feeling: Lazy
Listening to: How Lucky We Are by Meiko

I want double nostril piercings.

Why is work so repulsive?

One day, we'll get out of this shitty apartment.

Analyse that.

Listening to: Your Call by Secondhand Serenade

Waiting for your call, I'm sick. Call, I'm angry. Call, I'm desperate for your voice.

Today was a pretty average day and then it just segwayed seamlessly downhill for no apparent reason.

(I couldn't help myself. My lecturer used the phrase "segway seamlessly" instead of "moving on,..." when he changed topics in his lecture today and I think I was the only person to find this amusing because, though I don't understand why, I was the only one laughing.)

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home.

Listening to: Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap

For a never-ending sunrise, click. Right now, the sun is rising in Tiruvannamalai, India, 8,408 kilometres away from Cardiff where it is dark and cold and sleepy.

And I shall be travelling back in time within the next fifty five minutes. Should be exciting. (Oh, shit. It went by unnoticed and I completely missed it. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh, time. You sly thing.)

Hold on tight, kids.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.

If there are seedless grapes, how do they grow?

Do not Google. I think I'd like this question to wander around in my brain for a while.

Maybe later you can destroy the magic of life in an instant with your plain and boring and perfectly logical explanations. Maybe later we can laugh and laugh but never feel joy. Maybe later we can run and hide and cry because we're alone (I went a bit overboard with that, hahahahaha).

Remember when I said "After Thursday, I'll have something to tell you"? Let's give it until the end of next week instead.

Feeling: Unusual
Listening to: A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not by Bright Eyes

Feeling: Confused
Listening to: The Twist by Chubby Checker

I've been listening to a lot of oldies. It seems to cheer me up. And kind of, in a creepy way, makes me want to dance in a silly fashion. But let's not speak of that. Let's speak of how I've just realised how many pre-90's songs feature men singing abnormally high. But it's cool. It's cool.

After Thursday, I'll have something to tell you.

(I must confess, throughout this whole post, I was saying "SheeeeeeeeeEEEEErrrrryyyyyyyyyy" over and over again in head, and dying to play Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, and I just did so now I'm fine.)

How do you keep the music playing?

Listening to: Kissing You Goodbye by The Used

While searching for remedies before anything serious happened, I found out the proper name for a runny nose is "Rhinorrhea."

That is awesome.

And this is a pretty song.