Feeling: Cosy
Listening to: Hush by Automatic Loveletter

This absolution is always incomplete, it's always bittersweet.

Are you familiar with the warm feeling you get on a rainy day, when you're snuggled up in the most comfortable clothes and watching the most soothing movie or reading the most understanding book, and you know you don't have anything important to do or anywhere important to go, and it's just really calming to know you can just absorb the day as it is? No worrying about miniscule things like how you will get to the mall or if you have enough money for lunch. It's kind of like a nice cosy feeling that nothing else can take away, and it makes you smile, how perfect it all is. :] That's how you make me feel.

I love you. Happy birthday (minus 48 hours)?

Feeling: Squiggly
Listening to: Lately by Stevie Wonder

Watch me as I perform my next step towards world domination at ISB on this Friday night between the hours of 7:30PM and 11PM (approximately). You will be amazed as I first distract my audience with my fairy-ness, and then swiftly yet destructively, while attracting my unsuspecting victims with my delicate innocence, I will strike. You will never know true fear and terror until Friday night. So, come one, come all, and bear witness to the greatest event of all time. :D

NOTE: No alcohol, weapons or drugs of any sort allowed on the premises.

However, in other news, I think it is somewhat ignorant to live one's life as if everything it consists of is simply routine (That took me a while to phrase correctly, and yet, I still can't help feel that it doesn't quite express what I truly mean).

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: November by Silverstein

Taking over the world sure takes up a lot of energy. But don't fear, for despite my busy, busy, busy (and hectic) schedule (which is filled to the brim with important events and meetings, by the way), I have sacrificed a few steps towards world domination to make time to inform my loyal fans about the happenings in the life of this very amazing moose (that's me, if you couldn't tell. I'm amazing. That was the hint). Sure, it may set me back months (possibly even years. Or decades), but keeping my readers and stalkers in my circle of information is more important than my dreams and life goals.

So, my minions, let me tell you of the adventures I have recently had: Yesterday, I devised the most perfect plan to take over the world. Hence, I am currently in my mother's workplace "filing", as they say. Little do the other office workers know, they are all actually indirectly aiding in my inevitable control of the business, which will bring me one step closer to controlling the country, which will also bring me one step closer to controlling the world, and perhaps even the universe if I'm lucky. NGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But other than that, I've had to maintain my disguise as an average (yet indubitably awesome) teenage girl by attending a so-called "prom" for ISB's IB class of 2006-2008 the other night where people, such as myself (I'm sorry if that confused you; I must keep in character as a "human being") dressed themselves in clothes of strange yet intriguing fashion. It seemed as if they did it as some form of entertainment, but other meaningless earthly purposes are also possible explanations. To prove such radical behaviour exists (and I understand how it can be quite unbelievable at first), I shall present to you a picture of myself in human form with these people, after this sentence is completed.


Man, I love brackets (I may be, in fact, obsessed with them, but that's a matter for another time and place).

So, like. Totally. *Giggles.

Feeling: Lonely
Listening to: Milligram Smile by From Autumn To Ashes

I'll be back on the fifth of June, okay (That doesn't mean I will update Broken Smile though, because I like to be mysterious and predictably unpredictable)? The location of my disappearing shall be left a secret, however, for it is only revealed to those worthy of the knowledge, and apparently, you are not worthy of the knowledge (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Loser).

You can thank me later. :D

On the down side, I will miss Azmin an awful fucking lot. With every rose comes a thorn, I guess. That's what they say, right? Wait. No, they don't. They don't say that. Which means I just made it up. Which means you may quote me. With proper referencing, of course.

Feeling: Interesting
Listening to: Hurt by Johnny Cash

This song's sad, and the simplicity of the music in addition to Johnny Cash's already solemn voice just makes it all the more sad.

Hurt by Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain -
the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything.
What have I become,
my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
in the end.
And you could have it all:
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
the feelings disappear.
You are someone else;
I am still right here.
What have I become,
my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
in the end.
And you could have it all:
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.
If I could start again,
a million miles away,
I would keep myself,
I would find a way.

Well. It's been a while since I felt I could go online and do time-wasting things, such as reading comics and blogs of people I don't know, without feeling like there's something more important I should be doing. So, hello, temporary freedom. I think I like you. :]

Feeling: Excited
Listening to: Alvin Maker's Greensong by The Scene Aesthetic

One of those things I talked about.

Prayer Before Birth by Louis MacNeice
I am not yet born: O hear me.
Let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or
the cub-footed ghoul come near me.

I am not yet born: console me.
I fear that the human race may with tall walls wall me,
with strong drugs dope me, with wise lies lure me,
on black racks rack me, in blood-baths roll me.

I am not yet born: provide me
With water to dandle me, grass to grow for me, tree to talk
to me, sky to sing to me, birds and a white light
in the back of my mind to guide me.

I am not yet born: forgive me
For the sins that in me the world shall commit, my words
when they speak me, my thoughts when they think me,
my treason engendered by traitors beyond me,
my life when they murder by means of me
hands, my death when they live me.

I am not yet born: rehearse me
In the parts I must play and the cues I must take when
old men lecture me, bureaucrats hector me,
mountains frown on me, lovers laugh at me, the
white waves call me to folly and the desert calls
me to doom and the beggar refuses
my gift and my children curse me.

I am not yet born: O hear me,
Let not the man who is beast or who thinks he is God
come near me.

I am not yet born: O fill me
With strength against those who would freeze my
humanity, would dragoon me into a lethal automaton,
would make me a cog in a machine, a thing with
one face, a thing, and against all those
who would dissipate my entirety, would
blow me like thistledown hither and
thither or hither and thither
like water hekd in the
hands would spill me.

Let them not make a stone and let them not spill me.
Otherwise kill me.
Which reminds me of the new countdown I've started. Mehehehe.

Days remaining: 8

P.S. I'm thinking of you, Mr. Make-Me-Happy. But you already knew that. :]

Feeling: Hopeless

As I've re-realized recently, there are a lot of sad things that could happen in one's life, each of which's encounter could bring us to tears and question the Maker's plans, but for fuck's sake. Is there really nothing left of the goodness I thought there was in humanity?

How can a person actually do this?

Click and click, but in case you don't want to because you're a rebel and all that jazz, continue:

Elisabeth Fritzl was forced to help build the dungeon where she was kept by her sadistic father Josef, it emerged yesterday. For the first nine months of her 24 years in captivity, she was also tethered with a 5ft dog leash around her neck to prevent her escape. Elisabeth, now 42, had been sexually abused by her father since the age of 11. She ran away from home at the age of 16 but was dragged back by Fritzl and locked up when he suspected she was planning to leave again.

For the first nine years, he imprisoned her in a grim 15ft by 15ft box room which had a makeshift toilet in one corner. She told police that Fritzl forced her to help drag a 600lb concrete and steel door into position to seal the dungeon. It was only when it was in place that she discovered she had helped to build her own prison.

Fritzl finally agreed to expand the cellar - again with Elisabeth's help - after she had given birth to two of his children.He forced her to dig out the chambers by hand, working for hours at a time. The process took nearly a decade. One of the new rooms was used as a punishment area and Fritzl would take his daughter there and rape her. He also used it to chastise the three of their children - Kerstin, 19, Stefan, 18, and six-year-old Felix - who lived underground with her. Their siblings Lisa, 16, Monika, 14 and 12-year-old Alexander lived a 'normal' life upstairs.

Franz Polzer, who is leading the police investigation, said: "She said that there was only one single room at first between 1984 and 1993. The dungeon was expanded as the children were getting born. There are still areas we haven't found inside the dungeon and I expect it to take at least two weeks before we have answered all the questions we need to about how Fritzl controlled the areas and imprisoned the children. Areas of the dungeon appear to have been under construction and it is possible Fritzl may have been planning to expand it even further." Austrian police said the air inside the inner chambers was so stifling they have been forced to drill holes to allow investigators to breathe.

In police interviews, Elisabeth said that at the start she had fought against the imprisonment, banging on the walls and screaming until she could no longer speak, but no one had come as the weeks turned into months, and the years into decades. She said she had eventually stopped arguing with her father who in turn had stopped beating her as frequently. Eventually she had become pregnant with Kerstin, now 19, and she had informed her father - fearing that he would be furious because he would now have to release her to go to hospital. He had reportedly replied: "Do not think you are getting away from me so easily."

Details of the birth have not been spoken about by Elisabeth but afterwards Fritzl had continued to return frequently for more sex, at least once every three days. After Kerstin there were further children, Stefan, 18, Lisa, 16 Monika, 15, Alexander, 12, whose twin brother died from neglect before he could even be given a name, and finally Felix, 6.

:[

Hence, it reminded me of something I wrote on the 20th of March when I was angry at the world and also sad at the fact of life we must live with (That assholes exist), and somehow, I could just plop it into this situation as if it were meant for it. So here it is (It wasn't meant to be a poem, but I guess thoughts can be poems too, if you want them to be).

A Commentary
It's sad.
How a person can steal another person's soul,
torture it,
stretch it to it's utmost limits and then some.
How a human being can have the will,
the indecency
to cause such pain and torment to another.
It is utterly and absolutely
horrifying.
To discover the true nature of our existance
and realize the degree of evil we can commit,
enough to cause the total damnation of one's wellbeing,
the destruction that could tear you
to pieces.
How someone can treat another
so badly,
and in a way that even they themselves would not wish upon their individual understanding of
life.
I simply cannot understand it.
Are we destined to fail?
Destined to abolish,
to eradicate
any kind of hope left in the world?
♥

Feeling: Scared
Listening to: Coffee by Copeland

I know I'm supposedly not meant to be online at the moment, but due to unforeseen circumstances that consists of me discovering a bunch of poems I have grown attached to and that I will reveal to you in due time, I join you once again on this cold, dark night, just to say hello.

Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments, love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds.
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempest and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken,
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Wihin his bending sickle's compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Hello.

Days remaining: 3

Feeling: Panicky! In the bedroom
Listening to: The Navy Song by Billy Talent

Days remaining: 8

That's a single digit! I think I am going to die soon. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Like in eight days, which is only one day more than a week. I don't know why. Hmm. *Strokes invisible beard.

But oh, well. I will try to not see you before the 22nd of May, when I supposedly come back to life.

Wish me luck, for I enter the den of the biggest lion I've ever encountered (thus far).

Feeling: Suspicious

Hi.

That's all. :]

Days remaining: 16

Feeling: Static
Listening to: Carelessness by Fair

Today was very depressing.

:[

You can only take so many tears and disappointing looks and rejected apologies before it drives you crazy.

Days remaining: 19

And everything falls apart like it's ripped at the seams.

Feeling: Weird
Listening to: Just Like Heaven by Taking Back Sunday

I just choked on a bug. :/

It didn't feel very nice.

Days remaining: 22

You're just like heaven.

Feeling: Interesting
Listening to: Memories That Fade Like Photographs by All Time Low

Have you noticed a lot of the IB past year papers have been taken off the internet? Seems to be some kind of conspiracy. Next they'll be deleting them off my computer, hahaha. What? I have no past year papers.

If you've recognized an uncommon inconsistency in updates, then you're not a frequent visitor because I've never posted consistently. So, this paragraph is just to let you know that I plan to continue with my inconsistent ways, which means I shall be consistently inconsistent (Oh, my. A paradox). But just out of curiosity, does that make me inconsistent or consistent or just annoying? :D

But in an attempt to remind me how much time I am wasting doing stupid things like this, I shall put an exam countdown in every post I make hereafter, plus this one. Not that I will make posts after this, of course. I mean, it's so close to exams. Ignoring that fact and constantly wasting the few days I have left would make me a bad student. And I would never do that. :p

Days remaining: 27

I have a biology test tomorrow. Which reminds me, I should get back to trying to prepare for that.

Oh, and the song I was going crazy over in the previous post is actually a cover by The Rocket Summer of a song by Counting Crows. So, apologies to any defensive Counting Crows or The Rocket Summer fans I may have offended with my assumptions.

Feeling: Wobbly
Listening to: High Life by The Rocket Summer

I'm serious when I say this...

Such a sexy song. And so pretty, too.

High Life by The Rocket Summer
All my friends got flowers in their eyes,
but I got none this season.
All of the last years' blooms have gone and died,
time doesn’t give a reason.
Hey, baby, do you ask yourself sometimes what you need to be forgiven?
You know that everything that you have ever done wrong
is the reason that I am driven
straight to tears.

Waiting here for you,
wanting to tell you
how I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up, too,
just the way you do.
I thought if I told you,
you might want to stay for just another day or two.

Waiting for the trains that just never come,
beginning to believe in
the disappearing nature of the people we have been.
We have begun to change into the worst kind of people;
so unkind.
Oh, apologies. No apologies. This apology,
it doesn't describe the way it feels to feel for you.

Waiting here for you,
wanting to tell you
how I find myself slowly disappearing, too,
just the way you do.
I thought if I told you,
you might want to help me to remain with you.

I just, I just, I just, I just wanna stay for a little while,
I wanna stay for a little while.
Come on, come on, come on, oh.

There's a night life that's just falling down on me,
I just feel like a change.
Beneath the sun in the summer,
a sea of flowers won't bloom without the rain,
but oh, this desert life, this high life,
here at the dying of the day.
See, I wasn't made for this scene, baby,
but I was made in this scene.
And baby, it's just my way.
I don't wanna go home alone;
I wanna come on home to you.

Waiting here for you,
wanting to tell you
how I line my skies with all the silver I can use,
just the way you do.
Thought if I told you,
you might want to stay for just another day or two.

Feeling: Annoyed
Listening to: The Other Way by Weezer

Ngaaaaaaaaah.

I can't stand it. Please stop pushing me to give up my dreams for something I'd rather not do. Fair enough, you don't do it often, but you do it every chance you get, and frankly, it's gotten to the point where I just want to scream in your face and tell you to back up a little bit. I'm hardly ever sure of what I want, so I'd just really appreciate it if you didn't take this one thing away from me.

Sad to say, but maybe it's time to realize I'm not everything that makes up that little picture of me you have in your head. Maybe one day; some time in the distant future, possibly. Just not now; not when I have the world at my fingertips, ready for me to discover and then explore; not when everything is beautiful, and I aim to use all opportune moments only for the chance to grasp beauty by the hand and embrace it as much as a I can.

I hope you understand.

And by the way, something amazing (if you noticed, I have a strange inconceivable fascination with this word, but I don't think you did) has happened. ♥

Feeling: Excited

Guess who can play the theme song for Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends (Well, most of it) on the piano? :D :D :D

Come on, guess! :D :D :D

Hehehehehehehehe.

Kay, now I'm going to leave this post abruptly without telling you the answer. I guess that makes me eeeeeevil.

Feeling: Strange
Listening to: Cat And Mouse by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Looks like I still have a bunch of weirdos reading Broken Smile.

If you came to this here website by searching for the following phrases, I hereby pronounce you actually kind of disgusting:

1. brokensmile+naked
   
2. fuck mammy in bath
   
3. granny mammy sex
   
4. palir brunei

Nooowww, do you see the grossness in all of this? But thank you, Google Analytics, for letting me know that Broken Smile attracts a range of people, weirdos included.

I love this song.

Am I supposed to be happy?

Feeling: Inspired
Listening to: Sugar Skulls by Envy On The Coast

This band is cool. As in so cool I had to mention them. Which is very quite rather cool. The kind of cool that makes you stop whatever you're doing just so you can pay their music the attention they deserve. But then, I guessss there could be the possibility that you're even cooler than me, so you won't find Envy On The Coast cool at all, in which case, whoooopsie. :]

I watched Horton Hears A Who yesterday, and it is amazingly philosophical. I kept thinking of my TOK presentation (because when I talk to myself I am smarter and way nerdier than I am in real life), and I couldn't help but feel tiny and more than awesomely intrigued. We could be living on a speck in a field of flowers in someone else's world somewhere, and it's quite disturbing to realize because we'll never actually know unless we do what they did in the movie and get everyone in the world to shout "We are here," but considering what's going on right now, and how we've gotten ourselves into some deep shit over the years, I think finding out if we are on a speck is the least of our worries. :]

So, Dr. Seuss inspired me and now I want to write a book. Or at least an essay on the matter of something I'm not going to say because I don't want to, though I suppose it has something to do with the movie. :D But as I was saying, I tried to write. There was just no way I could say what I feel about everything in words. Which is stupid because I thought that was the one thing I could do. Man, I wish I could be a philosopher and study everything that could be possibly so; find some kind of understanding about the incomprehensible, but generally accepted; find that bit in my soul that seems to be missing.

Buuuuut I guess that's only a probability if I were amazing. Which I'm not, but wish I was.

Smile.

"Why did you knock?" I asked. "Why don't you just tear my world to pieces instead?" - Blood Canticle by Anne Rice

Feeling: Tummyachey

I moved the post that was here to here. Just because it seems that's where it belongs. :]

Feeling: Lovely

in·ter·view /ˈɪntərˌvyu/
–noun

1. A formal meeting in which one or more persons question, consult, or evaluate another person.

Mine was today, and it was horrible.

So horrible that I don't want to go to that university anymore nor do I want to go to university at all. I just want to die. :] That's all.

Stupid dreams. Getting vulnerable and susceptible of being crushed like that. Pssh.

By the way, have I mentioned that for more-than-adequate reasons, I have abandoned all hope and faith in humanity and everything attached to it, from our white picket fences to our inability to connect with each other?

I had something else also very pessimistic and misanthropic to say, but I chose not to hurt your eyes too much from the damage the light from the screen causes. So, instead, I shall leave you now in a mysterious puff of purple smoke.