Shirley Temple

Feeling: Sick

Listening to: Escape Artists Never Die by Funeral For A Friend

I'm only blogging because I can't sleep, so don't get excited just yet. I know who Shirley Temple is now, by the way. I watched 'The Child Star', apparently it's an autobiography written by the lady herself. I wasn't that impressed. I got bored of tap-dancing after a while.

The hairdryer ate my hair today. I was curling my hair, sortof giving it wave, but it wasn't working cause my hair was still a little damp. So I got the hair dryer and started drying my hair, when all of a sudden my hair was being sucked in through the back of the dryer. I switched it off and pulled my hair out screaming "OWW!" Yeah. The hair dryer's just evil. They all are.

Today, well, yesterday was a shit fuck of a day, it was. Lots of problems were arising because of the stupid play. Problems I won't mention here for security purposes. OK. Not really, I just don't feel like telling you. Anyway, the whole thing ended up with Jasmine screaming at Sing Yee, Jasmine coming up to her room, lying on her bed and crying, and kicking me out of her house. I was just there 'comforting' her, but she asked me to leave her alone. I decided I'd give her what she wants, since I know what it's like to actually want to be alone. To just have everyone shut out of your life for a while. Very serene, really.

Anyway, Jasmine "quit" the play. But she's done that before and she's still here, so I don't know what that means. And we didn't get to practice the play in the end because the hall that we booked was being used by the Malay Week people. They were preparing for Monday. And I just said "OK, whatever. Stupid fucking play." Actually, I said it in my head, but I still said it. So I left. Couldn't stand wasting anymore time. Everything's going to waste and we only have what? 1 more week left to practice. 1 week = 7 days - Sunday = 6 days. AND EVERYONE JUST WON'T CO-OPERATE. Well, fuck them.

'Cept for Kelvin Tang, of course.

I Begin To Remember

Feeling: Hurt
Listening to: All Of Us by Blindside

I forgot what I wanted to talk about.

Oh yeah. Flagging. That's what I did today, wasn't it? It was tiring. It was so fucking hot today too. And I can't believe my friends, they were all looking for 'cute guys'. Didn't see any though. *rolls eyes.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling so angry and shit, I have this strange need to bleed. To feel pain. As if it's a way to erase everything that's happened.

I still can't remember what I wanted to talk about.

My mum went to Singapore yesterday morning. And then my uncle went at 4PM? Or something like that. He forgot to pick up my brother, and after I finished my class at 2:10PM, I looked outside and saw my brother there all alone. I was like.. "Oh my God. He forgot about him." And then I stopped and said "Oh my God! I care! Ahhh.. I actually care!" Yeah, I actually said that out loud.

And so my uncle is going to come back tonight, or tomorrow morning at 12AM. Then my sister is going tomorrow at 8:30AM? Or something. I don't know. Yeah, and I'm going to get my Chuck Taylors! Finally. My cousin forgot my birthday and so now she's going to buy me Chucks from Singapore. Heh. I feel so fucked up. :)

Ah, whatever. Fuck what I was going to say. I want to shower.

I'll Be The Switch He Turns On

Feeling: Lonely
Listening to: Glow by Alien Ant Farm

I'm addicted to this song now. I love it! Haha.

I decided to blog. Even though I'm not really online, I'm bored as hell. Waiting for the show on StarWorld to end. So yea, now I'm blogging.

I finally told Strawberry I like him. It was online though, so it was pretty pathetic. And then today I woke up with a message from him sent at 3:45AM. It was very revealing. Ehe. Made me want to laugh, cry and punch myself. I won't tell you what he said though, I want to keep it private. But I was thinking until 7:15AM what to reply. I stuck with "..You said all that to 'protect' me?" and sent it. Then I got back some other stuff where he was saying he doesn't deserve me and that he just doesn't want to hurt me. He sounds like me, ya know. Part of the reason why I wanted to laugh. So I dunno, what he said made me think really hard. And even Farianne noticed. Ehe. Kept asking me what's wrong.

La dee da.

Had a barbeque at home last night, a farewell 'party' for my cousin, Bryan. He's going back to Australia. Was fun. We played Twister and now my knees hurt. Hehe. I didn't win a single round though, and in the last game, my sister's BF was on top, my sister was under him, and I was at the bottom. Then her BF collapsed and made my sister fall on me, making me fall down and letting Farianne win. Haha. Very weird. After that, Farianne, Jasmine and I were just talking about how stupid we were in the past. Was nice... It let my mind be free of everything for a while. And I found out Jasmine made lots of people cry in the old days. Haha.

She's really weird though. She typed out scenes 1, 2, 3 AND 4. Though 3 of the scenes were supposed to be done by me. Ah well, she's so excited about it. She asked me to do scene 5. But that's funny, cause she asked me to do 2, 3 and 4. That girl can't seem to make up her mind. Hehe. I wanted to ask her if she wants to do the whole thing. :)

Oh yeah, Saturday night I was in a very happy mood. And it's all Moe's fault, it's amazing how he manages to do it. To make me happy. I want to know his secrets. Ehe. He asked me if I want to go to KL in August when he gets back. For 3 days and 2 nights. I want to go, just don't know if I can. Hmm... And then Teddy told me he was wondering where all my anger went. THAT made me realize I'm mostly always angry, huh? And that's not very nice on my friends cause I seem to let it all out on Teddy. I'm like a bomb, and Teddy just has this light that makes me burn and explode. *shrugs.

I better go now. It's 9PM. I'll blog again if I feel like it. I probably won't though. :) See you in hell, bitch.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Feeling: Overheated
Listening to: Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright

I fucked up the layout. That is, if it shows now. :) I love messing things up. Makes me feel like I'm such an idiot. Did my computer coursework project today, the one that is 20% of my PMB exam. Didn't finish much of it though. Couldn't find s h i t about what I wanted. Dumb ass fuckers. Excuse the langauge, but yes, dumb ass fuckers.

So Chewy didn't forget my birthday, he was in a car accident, was sick and low and credit. Or so he says. I believe him. Don't know if I should though, but I believe him. He seems so sweet still, yet nothing will bring us closer. It's like everytime we talk, it's the last time we're going to talk to each other. Almost as if every word we say is 'good-bye'. Kind of sad, yes?

I had this awkward feeling though, that something bad had happened to someone I cared about on a day near/on my birthday. I'd felt this feeling before, it's very weird. And so it was Chewy? Who was it last time?

Do I look that old? Someone said I look 24. And I'm still trying to decide whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing. I don't like looking older than I am, but it's what I've got, damn it.

Seems someone wants to take over the play I was supposed to be directing. The play I was supposed to be writting. The play I was supposed to be in charge of. And guess who it is? None other than Jasmine. I admit, she can be a very in-charge person, but she's TOO in-charge. She even kicked me out of the meeting the had just now. Kept saying they need to make the introduction longer, when I said the introduction's supposed to be short, and if she wants to buy time, she should make the other scenes longer. Not the introduction. So I walked out. Well, not really. I walked out, after being kicked out. But whatever. I ran over to Farianne(much slower than running though) and told her my sad, sad story of being run over by the people under me. Haha. Aren't I funny? Such a loser.

I always thought I knew the feeling of being forgotten. But I guess only know I truly know... Unless there is still worse to come.

Fuck you.

Feeling: Invisible
Listening to: Stereochild by Dead Poetic

Woo. Look at me. I'm invisible. I mean really, I seem to have adopted the wonderful gift of invisibility! It's amazing! I can go by doing things, and no one will notice. How wonderful. I can go up to Strawberry, give him a kiss on the cheek and he wouldn't even care. Why? Like I said. I'm invisible to most everyone I love.

Why do I even bother? He's kind of treating my like shit right now. But I still stick around. It's like there are chains locking me tight by his side. And then some little pixie comes along and whispers, "Don't worry, something good will come of this." Right. I hate it when you try so hard to get something, to get somewhere but in the end it all gets pushed back in your face. I feel like an asshole. A hypocrite. God damn it, I'm sorry.

I fell UP the stairs today. Yeah, who'd have thought it was possible to fall UP stairs? Well, it happened. Was damn funny. Especially since I was the victim. Don't really know how it happened though. Stupid step jumped up and tripped me. It was more like I tripped over twice though, only the second time, I was on my knees. Jasmine was just laughing at me, and in the end I was laughing too. It wasn't very funny until I realized what that must have looked like.

Yup, looks like this is the suckiest of all birthdays. I hate birthdays now. Stupid whorish days to celebrate the day you were born. Weak. It was also the most unluckiest one too. Lets list the bad luck that followed me around today, shall we?
• The water pipe broke for the house. So there was no water.
• My hand kept vibrating cause I punched the wall a number of times, and I couldn't write properly today. I hope it's broken.
• I fell up the stairs. I think I mentioned that one.
• Zimmy & Dee forgot my birthday. Strawberry, Aki & Chewy most probably did too. How sad.
• I didn't get to go out. But then again, that's not bad luck, that always happens now. I'm invisible, remember.
• I didn't get to eat dinner out, as promised by the Mum.
• I don't like the Mall anymore. Fucking place reminds me of Strawberry. This isn't bad luck either, I just felt like putting this here.

Wow. Wasn't that informing. I've got a secret. I really wanted to hear Strawberry's band play. The Assholes. Or whatever their name is now. Yes, I wanted to hear them play on my birthday. Was a little dream I had since the first time I heard them. I also wanted to get Strawberry's card he said he'd make me. Guess it's not going to happen. Don't you just hate it when I whine? I do. Fucking annoying, it is. Can't stand whining.

Will you look at that. This entry is overloaded with sarcasism. How lovely. I guess I'll be off now. But you wouldn't care, I'm invisible. :) I love this so fucking much!

Take Me Away

Feeling: Lonely
Listening to: Ambulance Romance by The Bled

Yeh. Just couldn't be bothered to blog the past few days. Since the 13th. Was just so damn lazy. Kick me.

So what can I say right now? I'm supposed to be sleeping now, but I couldn't. Heh. So I'm awake. Sitting around pretending I'm doing something really important. Pssh. I really have no life.

You know what... I just realized I'm a dumb ass bitch who needs to be kicked in the ass, and smacked across the head, until finally, yes FINALLY, sense gets knocked into her puny little brain. God. I'm feeling so stupid now. Oh yeah, and lonely. I feel... like a fraud. A stupid lonely fraud. I wonder how I can change things.

Ok. This post has absolutely no point. I just need something to do until my eyes finally decide they've had enough, and they pull my eyelids shut. Letting me drift off to my little world where everything is perfect, and none of this fake ass shit exists. Wow. How nice that would be.

I wish Moe was here in Brunei already. :( 2 more months to go. But that'll nearly be 1 month. Heh. I hate time. It moves too fast. And too slow when you want it to go fast. Like right now. It's 5AM. I want Strawberry to be here. Yeah, I thought a lot today. I realized I actually want him to tell me he doesn't like me. Hah. Faggot. I crawl in my own shit. How pitiful.

Bleed One More Time For Me...

Feeling: Blistered
Listening to: Bliss Tearing Eyes by Dead Poetic

So yesterday was Parents' Day. I got my Mid-Year Result Sheet back. Here they are as follows:

Art: 91%
Geography: 73%
History: 68%
Bahasa Melayu: 43%
English Language: 82%
Mathematics: 62%
Science: 76%
Commercial Studies: 72%
Computer Science: 72%
Melayu Islam Beraja: 66%
Basic Chinese: 86%

Truancy: 0 Periods
Personal Leave: 2 Periods
Sick Leave: 0 Periods
Late: 12 Periods

Notice I failed my Malay? And I got a 91% for Art? That's kind of scarey. I think the teacher likes me or something cause she asked me "You're not joining the Art exam?", I answered with "No." and she seemed disappointed, like she wanted to say "What a shame." Haha. Also, considering the fact that I was the only person in the class she asked to join that painting competition, I'll say there's not a huge doubt it's true.

Oh yes, and notice I was late only 12 periods. Haha. Believe it or not, that's actually an improvement. Hmm. Cool. I thought it was much more than that. Looks like the teachers might not be paying attention to who's present and who's not. Goody.

I'm bored. I'm feeling nervous but for no reason. I don't have any reason to be nervous, but I can feel the butterflies fluttering around in my tummy. Heh. Don't really like this feeling, but what the heck, it's all I've got. You know, I miss my sister. And I really want a hug now. Yeah, those past 5 sentences were just random thoughts coming out as I typed them.

I'm going to go find something to do. I'll be gone now. *Poof!

My Bed Has Become My Coffin

Feeling: Tired & hurt
Listening to: The One I Love by The Rasmus

Well, today was the 10th CHMS Sports Meet. And damn, am I tired. Even though I didn't run. Haha. Being a First Aider is tough work. Lots of people came. And even Danny kept coming back to get Wintogeno. Heh. That funny guy. Eheh. He's like Superman when he runs, you know. He won in all of the events he did. :) Groovy. A girl fainted, and she didn't wake up till ages later. Hmm. I didn't do that much but I did make some friends. Haha.

So I had to get to SOAS at 6:30 in the frikkin morning. Of course, I was late. Hyuk hyuk. I woke up at 4:30 though, and I was squirming around in my far too empty bed, trying to get back to sleep but there was this stabbing pain in my neck. On both sides of it, it felt like someone/thing was biting me. It hurt a lot. And then I started feeling hungry. Haha. I eventually managed to get back to sleep then I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing at 5:30AM. It was Farianne. Eheh. Finding out what pants I was going to wear. Eheh. But I thank her for waking me up. Otherwise, I'd have been even later.

The Sports Day thing ended at around 6:30PM from what I heard. That's like 12 hours for those poor kids. Heh. Lucky I left an hour early. Yeah, at around 7AM, this real... statement-making looking person walked by the gate. :) He was cute. I mean, I couldn't tell, he was too far away. But I liked his style. Haha. I'm weird. Was just wondering what he was doing awake at 7 in the morning. Hmm. The only reason I'm telling you about this is because I'm having that feeling I had in the last blog, the feeling like I haven't done something when I should. In this case, it was knowing that guy. Heh. I don't know why. But I felt like he was gonna flick me off anyway. Then after what seemed like thousands of hours, he passed by again, this time with 2 of his friends. Heh. They were awesomely ... atractive to my eyes. Yeah, so everyone else was asking "are they human?" I didn't care. Haha. Pity I'll never get to know who they are. And I have a feeling I'll never see them again. Heh.

But whatever, I really have nothing to talk about since I'm talking about strangers. There were these nice looking people running in the invitation race too. Yeh. They looked nice. 'Cept for the fact that I noticed one of them had an Eminem band around his left hand, so I'm guessing he's a hip-hopy person. Hmm. They got 2nd in the relay race. Yes. This has nothing to do with anything. I'm just telling you about my taste in guys. Haha. Bite me.

Guess that's all I can do. I hate mentioning these kind of things, but he broke up with me last night. Or was it me? It was the both of us. I don't really know what happened. I coudln't think at that time. I just accepted what he threw at me, and it was a break up. Eheh. Guess it's for the best though, since he said sometimes he felt like he didn't even have a girlfriend. Well, Sue-Anne, hope you're happy now.

At the end of the day, I'm feeling so f*cking tired. So worn out. Now I need a massage. And I'm sunburnt too. Heh. Should have put on that sunblock. Ah well, I'm a lobster now. Haha. Red house got 1st, then was Yellow. Followed by Blue and Green. Or something like that. I didn't stay through the whole thing remember?

Danny kept flashing cheeky looks at me. Haha. So I shot him back and equally cheeky look. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in that puny head of his.

Wow. I just realized I didn't even mention anything about MG Guy. Heh. That's his code name. Stupid, I know. His real name's Jesmond. Anyway, guess I'm really over him. Huahaha. But I knew I never really liked him in the first place. And life goes on.

I Want You To Want Me

Feeling: Irritable
Listening to: I Want You To Want Me by NOFX

I've been a naughty girl, haven't blogged in ages. So lets just have a flash back of what happened, shall we? I'm sure you don't want to, but heck, I'm dragging you along with me anyway!

On Friday, me and Farianne went to the Red Crescent headquarters in bandar to get our certificates. We were so scared when we realized we were late. We actually thought they were gonna be strict, but damn, it was the opposite. We climbed the stairs leading to the open door. Then we raced back down again. Laughing, we went back up. Very slowly, might I add. We were scared. Haha. I don't know why really. But we eventually made it up the stairs into the meeting room. There was this logbook there. Didn't know what it was when I wrote both our names in it, but then I realized I'd just signed into joining the meeting, when we were only there for the certificates. Anyway, at the meeting we did 'kawad', or marching. It was SO tiring. And when it finally finished I was just so relieved. After it all, we finally got our certificates, they called them result slips though, so I'm guessing that's all they were.

We rode the bus home, which was OK I guess. There was a really nice guy on the bus, he didn't speak English though. He was racing after the bus when it was coming to our bus stop. Hehe. And I accidently took his bus ticket when I took mine and Far's. The bus was packed! There were no free seats. The dude running after the bus though, sat in the front thingie. It's not really a seat, but you can sit there. So me and Far were standing, I was so tired though, so I squated down. The guy saw me struggling, and moved over, and let me sit next to him. I thought it was very nice of him. Haha. Yeah, then when he and his friend left the bus, he said "duduk sini." as his friend's seat was a real seat. So I just think it was really nice of him. And you know that feeling like you should have done something, but you didn't? That's what I was feeling.

Moving on, Saturday went by slowly, so I'll skip that. All I know is I'm feeling so very regretful. So shameful and... deceiving. Heh. I need someone to smack me across the head and knock me back to reality.

I painted a picture today. It was of two butterflies, one blue and yellow, and the other green, yellow and black, flying around a field of dandelions. But you can't really tell it's a field cause it's a close up of the butterflies. They're flying around at night, which I think is very serene. Yes, I like using that word now. Haha. Serene. It's nice. And it has a nice meaning too. So yeah, I did it at night, because I like controversy. Since I never see butterflies at night, I'm suspecting they only fly around at day.

And for some reason, I'm not feeling very happy. Kind of sad actually. Even though Moe, my wall that manages to make me hyper all the time, is online. And the only song I want to listen to right now is the one playing. I Want You To Want Me. Eheh. Yeah, the reason why I'm sad could be because I'm confused about Strawberry and Zimmy. They're both acting suspicious and I'm so clueless. Hmm. Might just be my paranoia though.

I'm trying to right a story as well. It might turn into a paperback book one day too, if I ever finish it. Haha. It's supposed to be a murder story. And it's called 'Heartless'. I don't want to reveal too much though, just so I don't ruin the surprise. ;) I gotta go. It's getting very late. Nite happy people.

I Need To Hear Your Voice...

Feeling: Depressed
Listening to: On My Own by The Used

Today is very much the day to be sad and depressed. It just sets the mood, I don't know why, but even when I woke up I knew it was going to be a sad day. Nothing sad really happened though, it was all in my head, I know, but a sad day, nonetheless.

I love this song playing. It's on repeat and that's just what I need. And the song relates to me, in a way. Relates to the way I'm feeling. The lyrics somehow tell a story much like the way I'm thinking right now. Lyrics?

On My Own by The Used

See all those people on the ground
Wasting time
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what do I know

And now it seems that i have found
Nothing at all
I wanna hear your voice out loud
Slow it down, slow it down
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all

On my own (4x)

Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all

God, this song reminds me of Strawberry that first night I met him. He was so sad after what happened with his ex at Jerudong Park. He was so sweet though, and it was so attracting. And while driving home he told me the best way to release frustration is to scream. So he played this song and sang along. With the screaming parts and all. I found that so lovable. The way he looked so confused and lost. So now it really brings back memories. Memories that, for some reason, make me cry. I miss him so much right now. I wish he'd come back. I don't mind him not liking me more than a friend. I don't care if he can't return any feelings. The way he treated me like a sister was enough. I just want him to come back...

You know what is always a good cure for depression? A hug. Yes, a nice warm, long, enduring hug. So that's why I really need a hug right now, I'd even cry for it. A hug. Just a hug. From anyone. Please?

:( I just really want him to come back to being that nice, perfect friend he once seemed to be.

Cramps

Feeling: Crampy
Listening to: Charred Fields Of Snow by A Static Lullaby

Cool. Check this guy out.




I think he makes a great model. Yes? Particularly in those pants. Doesn't quite match the other ones he was modelling for. (Click)



And I stole this one from here. They look like they're really cute from this angle. Haha. I like the guy without the cap's hands. They're purdy.

Pfft. This isn't a real blog. I just had nothing to do. Sue me. Oh yes, and to homophobic people: Hahahaha!

Ahem. See you.

Batman Smells.....

Feeling: Ignored
Listening to: Distance Is Darkness by As I Lay Dying

Oh fuck. I'm being ignored. Or maybe not. I'm so sensitive. Haha. Strawberry's online but he's not talking. Wonder what he's doing.

A funny thing happened just now, I went to the Aman Complex just now, to buy bread and stuff for dinner. I saw that guy I always see when I go there. He always smiles at my and sometimes says 'Hi.' to me when I go there, and I was just thinking it's something he always does. But today was very different. It freaked me out at first. But what would you expect if a guy was following you around in a department store? He passed by and asked me what my name was, and that would be the first time he spoke more than one word to me. Haha. That kind of scared me, I was thinking "Is he serious? Does he really want me to answer that question?" And my eyes were dodging. Haha. Typical. I answered with a "Sssuue-Anne". Very nervous and unsure reaction.

Hmm. And then we went into seperate aisles. I was kind of relieved since that last bit freaked me out. My mum and I carried on our business, he passed by a few times, smiled, said "Hi", "Excuse me", "Sorry" - the usual words. And then it was check-out time. We were just getting the stuff we bought checked in, then he came by and was being oh-so-helpful with the goods. Haha. But then he asked if my car was out there, I was like.. "Yeah.." He offered to take the bought goods to the car, but I was all "No. It's ok." But he kept insisting, and eventually he did bring the stuff to the car. But my mum was paying for everything, so I had to go and unlock it for him. So I did, and he asked me again what my name was, I gave him the same answer, only with not as many S's. Haha. He said his name was Dennis. He asked me if I had a cell phone, and I said I did. And then he asked me for the number, and I was feeling all awkward again. Then he gave me a note and said he liked me. It's really weird hearing that from someone you don't know, only seen a couple of times, but never spoke to. The note was so sweet though and it reminded me of a movie but I can't remember the name of it. Haha. The note said something like "Hi. I'm Dennis. How about you? May I know your name or cell #? Pls take care coz I care for you." Yes, one more time it was so awkward, but it melted me thinking he was being so sweet. But umm.. Yeah. I'm feeling all bubbly because of that.

Moving on to more important issues, I passed my Malay bits JUST by the passing mark. I didn't go to school today(YAY), but Abang Bolo messaged me and told me how much I got, also on me being a 'Naughty girl' for missing class. Haha. I got 25 over 50 for my karangan, 10.5 over 20 for my letter, and God knows what I got for my rumusan. You see what I mean by 'JUST by the passing mark'? Haha. It's like I just scratched the surface. Very lucky. I just hope I got enough marks for my rumusan.

I was reading through this story I wrote a while back. 2 years ago, or something? I can't remember but it was called 'Romantic Carvings On The Beach And In Her Heart'. Haha. Romantic is the name of the horse. You see, Franz is a girl who loves horses and the beach. Romantic wasn't her horse, it was her friend, Milio's horse, but she loved that horse so much. He was getting really sick, and one day while Franz was riding him, he collapsed right there on the beach. He died on the beach, and Franz couldn't get over the fact that he had died on her one other love, the beach. Thus the ending for the story 'There were Romantic carvings on the beach and in her heart. There always will be.' I actually think it's pretty good, only it's pretty short. Only 5 pages long? Yeah.

I'm bored. I feel the need to write a story though, but after thinking for so long, I still don't know what to write about. I want something touching, something intense, something interesting. Haha. I can't get that feeling. Hmm. Guess I'll go now, can't think of anything else to write about. Jingle bells, batman smells.....

Heavy Metal VS. Hip Hop

Feeling: Nothing
Listening to: I Never Met Another Gemini by The Bled

Hahaha. My sister actually dared compare hip hop with my music? It was funny, but so amusing. I was so bored today, I actually found myself reading through my past entries and you know, they're really boring. Haha. That must have been the reason why I stopped having a blog the first time I got one. Funny, it is. :)

I got back my History paper today, and I got a 73%. Sweet. And I got a sticker! Yay~ I got a sticker that says 'Way To Go!' Haha. Excuse my sarcasism. But heck, it's an improvement from my 32% I got on Test 2. And I got 76% for my Science. It's funny how my Science results never seem to go higher than 70+. Extremely funny.

God, I'm in no mood to blog. My mind isn't being very creative right now. But I found my heavy music I'd been looking for the last time I blogged. Although, it still doesn't seem to be very heavy enough. It's good for me.

I had this weird thought earlier today. I was thinking how pathetic I am actually thinking I like that someone(i.e Strawberry), and even considering the possibilities he may be interested too. Haha. It's really funny once I thought about it. It may be because I was reading this article in an old newspaper I found at school about how teenage girls seem to like older men because they feel they're more mature and that they treat them better. Interesting article. But whatever. Maybe that article made me think real hard about my situation. I seem to be liking older men right now, for just those reasons. Haha. But they say it's not good. Ah well. :P

Yup, I'm not really feeling anything right now. That's why it was so hard to fill in that 'Feeling:' box. XD And maybe that's why I can disgard my feelings for St. so easily. I'm feeling so emotionless now. And I have been since a few days ago. I think it's because I'm not allowing myself to feel anything since all my feelings eventually lead to something bad. I guess it's for the best. I'm running out of words to say, and if I try to find words they'll probably come out real bad, so I'll stop now.

A Kick In The Ass

Feeling: Irritated
Listening to: Modern Love Story by Glassjaw

Don't get close. You don't know me and you'll never know! Haha. Lyrics from a Slipknot song. Think it's 'Don't Get Close'. Those lyrics are just ringing in my ears so I just HAD to type it out. God, lets see. What the fuck did I do today? Slept. Yup. That's it. I slept from 1 till 6. :) It was nice. Hyuk hyuk. I got to have tacos for dinner last night, so there was still some left for today. Goody. I love tacos, I do. One day, eventually, I plan to go to one of those Taco Bell branches in America. Eventually. :)

Ah, so yes, I'm feeling so God damned irritated right now. So excuse the language. Don't worry though, it's censored. Haha. That wasn't funny. Anyway, why am I feeling irritated? Fuck. Even I don't know. Everything and one annoys me. The way everything is. The way that little window blinks whenever someone instant messages me. It's so f*cking annoying. The way people ask me if I'm there when I don't IM them back. Geesh. I was tempted to set my status to Away. Which I do do sometimes when I feel anti social enough.

But wait. Maybe the way the word 'goth' is abused annoys me. I think that's it. The way people can brand themselves goth or punk. It f*cking annoys the hell out of me. Yesh. I am finding the definate need to strongly dislike people who seem to think they can brand themselves. Ah, stereotypes. What the hell can you do with them? They annoy me. Yes, they do. And they've nearly got me on the brink of killing them while they're sleeping. Hyuk. How much fun it would be. Seeing them lifeless in their beds. *grins.

I'm trying to drown myself in heavy music. But right now, I can't find anything heavy enough. Something that can release my anger. Fuck it.

So what do you know, I was alright with my History exam today. I think I did well enough to pass. Hyuk. Amazing, isn't it? I only did a few minutes of studying because I couldn't concentrate. I scanned thru the essays about the discovery of oil and Sultan Sharif Ali and guess what! They came out. Hyuk hyuk. I remembered bits of it. Haha. So it was basically a rojak of all the points I had. Such amusement, yes?

I really need to bite something. Really hard. But I can't find anything suitable. I know when I turn on my mobile again, my boyfriend is going to be so pissed at me. I can't face him. Yesh. He scares me. His sarcastic way of doing things. The way he just jumps at things. Scary. And God knows what Zimmy has to say. I feel like shutting people out is the easiest way out. Haha. XP

That's it. I can't be bothered thinking anymore yet alone typing it all out. Heaven forbid, this is the end of the blog. Shut the fuck up. Oh yea, I decided I wouldn't mind people coming here. Lets just see what happens.

Unbearable Pain

Feeling: Impatient
Listening to: Made For TV Movie by Incubus

Today went by so slowly, yet too fast for me. It's the time of Mid-Year exams, a not-so-important exam but an exam nonetheless. So I just hate it, I do. Although I do like the challenge it builds up inside me. The need to beat the results I got for my Test 1 + 2. I had my Malay paper 1 today, and Science. My Malay was... I don't know. Not perfect. Not good. But.. OK. Just OK. Haha. What would you expect? I only hope I didn't go off topic this time. My Science was OK as well. I was pretty confident when I handed the paper up, but like all the other times, after finding out the real answers, I realized most of my answers were wrong. But the stupid teacher who made the test paper wasn't very smart, now was she. A lot of the answers for the paper were on the paper itself. Mostly in the multiple choice section. Ah, idiots. Don't you just love them?

After school finished, I SO wanted to go home, so I could study properly. I did, for a little more than half an hour, and I was just so tired since I'd been up studying until 2, and I woke up 4 hours later, that I kept dozing off to sleep. My sister's friends were here. Haha. They were scarey. So after that, I went to the office like I usually do on Wednesdays, and as I predicted, I wasn't able to study there. So f*ck that idea. I didn't get to study, and I still haven't even though the hour has just passed 11PM. I think I need to get started. No matter how heavy my eyelids may get. I really NEED to study. History is not a subject that does not go by unstudied for. I might just get 32% like my last test paper. Haha. That was funny.

Right now, my eyes are getting SO heavy. Gosh, I need to sleep. So badly. I've got these lyrics stuck in my head: "I buy my crack, I smack my bitch right here in hollywood" from Prison Song by System of a Down. Nonsensical lyrics, I know. Haha. But the way it's sung is addictive. Rudy's CD is playing in the bedroom, and I can hear it all the way out here in the living room. I've played that CD countless times, and I still can't get enough of it. Probably because I know I'm going to have to give it back eventually. Haha. I'll miss that System of a Down album, Steal This Album.

I changed the template. Haha. When did I sink so low as to using templates? Since I got this lazy and forgetful, that's when! By the way, my memory loss is starting to scare me. Haha. Last night, I was going crazy because I was so sure I left my examination schedule on the bed. I was asking myself who touched my stuff, and then I turned around and saw it staring at me, hanging on my cupboard. And then I remembered. I stuck it up there. God, and I almost attacked someone for it. Haha. I'm going insane. I have to go now though, I really, really need to study for that frikkin exam tomorrow. Just please pray that the exam will be within my knowledge. Ah.. I've got some intense cramming to do!

Soy Un Perdedor

Feeling: Disgraceful
Listening to: Loser by Beck

Pop died. My granddad died. My dad's dad died. At 2:30AM this morning, that is, of course, New Zealand time. So that would be about 9:30PM last night. God, while I was online doing my shit, my grandfather was dying. They said he died peacefully, which I'd like to believe, and that he'd been quite ill for some time. I didn't know how to react when I received an e-mail from my dad entitled "Bad news...", which had all the 'bad news' in it. One short paragraph that he had passed away. I'm trying to be sad. I'm trying to cry. But I can't. I don't know why. I seem to be hyper. But why? It's like all my emotions are backwards. When I actually need to be sad, when I should be sad, I can't be. And why is that? Do I want to know? It caught me by surprise I guess... And I just don't know how to react.

I had yet another dream of my Strawberry this afternoon. It's really starting to creep me out. Like I'm supposed to be getting this message through my dreams. In this dream, I was at this National Day show with my mum. The show was in a big hall, the size of a football stadium. I'd decided to wander off into the crowd, away from my mum when I saw my Strawberry. He was alone so I approached him. I don't know. I think I had this feeling like he wasn't happy to see me there, yet he accompanied me anyway. we went behind the stage(the show was a stage performance), and we sat there next to the stage. Sort of on the stage, but off it. Don't really know how to explain it. But anyway, I had my school work with my for some reason, and he offered to help me with my Malay. Then after a while my mum came out and finally found me. And it was as if she knew I liked him. As if she knew I wanted to spend time with him. To be as united as we were the first time we met. Because, well, she asked me what the time was. Then she gave me a time and said I could go out with him that night. Despite the fact that it was a Sunday night, with a Monday morning the next day. Was so very weird of her to actually willingly let me go out with this guy she didn't really know. And once again, my dreams proved him to be someone I wasn't afraid to show my mum. Haha. Aren't I the weirdest?

My friend Jasmine is still acting very weird. She actually had the courage to ask me whether me and my friend were her friends. I said, "Yea.." She replied with a "I don't think so" or something like that. It's getting so hard to remember things nowadays. I wonder what's happening. But anyway, I wanted to say "Weee're not the friends? Are you sure yoouu're not the one?" Haha. Yes. Emphasize the words in italics. It's the way I wanted to say it. But out of courtesy, I shook it off. Gosh, she's being so immature about whatever it is she's angry about. She thinks if she keeps quiet and ignores us, we'll somehow, magically, figure out why she's pissed off at us? What a world she lives in...

Did I ever mention I keep a book of weird dreams? They're mostly ones concerning about my Pumpkin(It's this imaginary guy I had in my dreams), or ones that are interesting enough. That dream I had this afternoon was one of them. And so far I have 4 entries, from the first time I dreamt up my Pumpkin to this dream I had today. It's very weird the way I can actually dream of things I want. It's... very weird.

I'm nearly finished with my Jack And Jill book. It's getting VERY interesting. Jill is dead now, because Jack shot her in her head. He loved her. She loved him. They loved each other but Jack killed her. And then the child killer, who is a 13-year-old boy, is going to kill the detective Cross's children. Now, there are 2 guys to catch. Jack and the other 'Jack', the extra person, and they're going to kill the president. Oh, so interesting... As the song playing initiates... "I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me?"

My Kelvin T.

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Eviscerate Your Local Supermodel by Twilight City Fracture

People were being so nice to me. Haha. Maybe they thought I was sad or something, which I sortof was. I'd just woken up from a 2 period nap(Ah, what else can the extra Chinese periods be used for?), and I was just so sleepy, knowing me, I just have this blank expression after I wake up. So clueless and able to accept whatever is thrown at me. So teacher Hema asked Wan Yen to sit in my place, and I go to hers, which was all the way across the classroom, next to a girl I wasn't very fond of. I accepted that, since I didn't have the mood to argue, and since I'd accept anything after just waking up. Haha. Chun Yang carried all my books and things over there, I don't really know why, but I had no objections. So I went there, still blank-expressioned, sat down. Then Wan Yen wanted her table, so her table flew over there somehow, and mine came to me. Forgive me, I had no idea what was going since I was so clueless.

Then T.Hema asked me if I minded sitting there, I shook my head 'no'. But honestly, I felt like crying. Haha. It's like someone dumped sand down my throat, and it was blocking my windpipe. Then she asked me if I wanted to go back to my old seating arrangemet. Haha. I nodded my head enthusiasticly, with a smile on my face. Then she said she shouldn't .. take this on me just for Wan Yen's sake? I don't remember her exact words. It was something like that. And she said I was being good, so she didn't need to change my position, plus, she said she was sure I wouldn't be comfortable there. How true. So she let me go back to my old position. Eheh. My desk somehow flew back to my old seat, actually I was awake at this point, so I noticed it was Chicken Breast that brought my desk around. It was so weird, having all these helpers. Haha. Having people be so nice to me. It could have been because I looked to sad, because Chung Yang came to be later asking if I was happy. And so many more annoying questions. Yes, another reason I wasn't entirely happy was because my little friend, Jasmine, was acting weird. She was angry at me and Far for an unknown reason. I figured I'd let it flick off since this happened quite often than it didn't. She's too sensitive, I think.

So anyway, I forgot what happened. Haha. I guess that's what happens when I don't blog after a while. I remember feeling so shitty on Sunday night. I had to take on myself again. Yes, I promised I wouldn't do it again, but I couldn't take it. I don't handle pressure well, I'm sure you've probably figured that out by now. So I took the cutter to my flesh. It went in deeper than before. It always seems to be getting deeper the more times I try it. It wasn't really that deep though, but it got noticed by a few of my classmates, and they asked me what happened. Haha.

It was a cat. Yes, I scratched a cat, and the cat scratched me. Bad kitty.

So now, I've got these scabs on my arm, and when I press it, it hurts. Eheh. The older cuts are going away now, which is what I wanted before. But yeah. Saturday night, I went out with Aki. It was a very.. informing night. Interesting in a way. I helped loosen Aki's friend's (Ariff?) earring. He did the peircing himself. And it hurt. Haha. Yeah, my mum said I'm not supposed to go out anymore. I'm supposed to be home studying. Yeah. Right. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm stuck in the house all the time. I'm thinking I can still go out in the day time though. I don't know. I want my Kelvin T back. :( It gets so lonely without someone to talk to and tease. Haha. Seriously, I miss my seatmate. Even though he is just across the room from me. Sigh.

And I Said... "Speechless"?

Feeling: So damn lonely.
Listening to: Ready For You by Hoobastank

Hi. I'm practically speechless. Though earlier today I was actually really hyper for some unknown reason. Everything's a mess, so I decide to laugh it all off. In hope that maybe one day, just one day, it'll all go away and all the pain will subside. Hmm.

I came across this old diary of mine while I was rampaging through my drawers looking for my Sugar Ray tape. Don't ask me what I'm doing with a Sugar Ray tape... Ok, fine. You shook it out of me. I like 2 of their songs and they just happened to be on the album. So I made my friend buy it for me. Muahah! Since knowing me, I had no money at the time. Haha! Plus that McGrath guy is pretty hot. Love those eyes. Anyway, the diary was mine of 3 years ago. 2001? Yea. And what I noticed was, I always talked about death. Hmm. I was writing about how death comes, does what it does, and then leaves. There's no stopping it, so you might as well accept it when it comes. True.

But moving on, I finally got to borrow that James Patterson book from the library I'd been wanting to read since before the first term holidays! Jack And Jill, it's called. I really needed some reading material since, at this point, burying my head in a book, letting myself fly off to some foreign place, lets me forget about real life for a while. Lets me forget every little problem existing. Ah, books do magical things, they do. And right now, I'm up to Chapter 16. But don't think I'm close to finishing just yet... There are 115 chapters! Sweet. Lots and lots of reading for me to do. Sigh. At least I've got something to do. Forget it. I'm a loser.

Oh, yes. I just figured out I'm such a poser. Such a fraud and I'd rather not explain why. I just find myself trying to fit in, but out with people. Eh? Do you understand me? No? Ok. That's good. Lets just forget this little paragraph exists, shall we?

School is shitty. I thought maybe it could get better, but no. It's still shitty as hell. I failed my f*cking Malay test paper. Really badly. And God, when I say really bad, I mean REALLY bad. I got 12. Over 50 times 1.6 = 19%. Wow. Haha. And the reason why I did so badly was because... I went off topic. Hmm. It was that Malay composition paper I hate doing. And this does NOT make me like it any more. F*ck it. Knowing just how bad my results are kind of ruined my day, but let me know Kelvin T cares about me. Haha. I think he noticed I wasn't being exactly happy and he told me I should forget about it, I've still got mid-year. I can do it. Hehe. It was cute of him. He's a really nice person which makes me wonder why Jas doesn't like him very much. I think he's great. :) By the way, today was the inter-class Chinese play competition thingie. My class was in it. They were pretty good but I think the best performance was by Form 5B. Forgive me if I got the class wrong. I'm not good with those kind of things.

So whatever. I'm done ranting. I can't be bothered thinking up more stuff to say, although I'm sure I could. Until the next time I decided to tell you about how pissed off I am, see you. Unless I die before that. In that case, see you. In heck. Haha. I'll be waiting.

Nostalgic Memories.

Feeling: Stupid
Listening to: The Shooting Star That Destroyed Us All by A Static Lullaby

I wonder why I'm blogging so much now. I hated updating this thing, so why am I so up-to-date now? I still hate updating because I feel people don't need to know what I did and felt for exactly everyday. It's too much for me. I need more privacy than that. I guess things have been happening. Things which are worth writing about, things I want to remember. Otherwise I wouldn't have typed it out. I also realized a lot of my blogs are just random thoughts, so I'm guessing this will be another mixture of that. Random thoughts coming as they came to mind.

My heart isn't broken. It's just torn. It's contents have seeped through the cut, and very slowly, more and more love is leaking out. But to where? Where is it going? Ah. That I don't know. Will I ever? I hope not. I'm scared of what I might find out. Scared to find out what my heart has been longing for for so long. But is it really that scary? It could be. And so that is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that my heart will be loving something I need not know. Haha. I confuse myself.

I'm nearly done with my Vittorio book. I've only got 7 more pages to go. And guess what. I nearly cried. It's kind of sad how Ursula's father sold her to the vampire Florian. How she described to the Fra Joshua how she became one of the demons. Anne Rice is just magical. I wonder why I never wandered along her literature before. Thank God I finally did. It gets shockingly descriptive, which makes it the most bit interesting. And honestly, at the beginning, I thought it was lacking quite the amount of intensity I'd hoped it would have. I kept reading though, for the sake of Chewy. How much he seemingly loved that book. And I found that missing-ness I was looking for. So, thank you. Especially as Ursula made Vittorio one of the damned ones. As he raged about after realizing what had happened. Haha.

Now my stupidity has hit me hard on the head. And I needed that. It makes me laugh at how stupid I have been in the past. Ashamed too. But what can I say? With stupidity comes shame. Haha. Just what I need.

Aki. I forgot to mention I went to the Mall with him and Syazwan(he came with his younger sister) last Saturday. The Saturday when I bumped into my Strawberry's vocalist, Azam, was it? Yea. So now I miss Aki. Haha. I miss his "pirated" dimples. The way they dig deep into his cheeks when he smiles. It's so cute. So sweetly, adorably cute. Haha... I still wonder how he could have "pirated" his dimples. Strange boy, he is. But so lovable.

Today is Monday. It's a public holiday so I had no school. Yay. I'd been waiting so long for this. I don't know why. I just spent the day at home. Trying to drag my sister to go hang out at that same place me and my Strawberry hung out last time. It was a nice place, even he said so. Nice place to hang out. Haha. My sister asked me who hangs out there, and.. (conversation continues below):

ME: No one..
HER: So why are there benches?
ME: I don't know. But we could go there everyday, and make that place 'ours'. (Haha)And they'd all be like.. "Oh, here they come. Get out of their way". Act like we own the place. *grins
HER: *looks at me sarcastically.

So anyway. We didn't go there. And out of the sake of privacy, I'm not going to say exactly 'where'. She said we'd 'hang out' there tomorrow though since she has to study today because her exams start tomorrow and she hasn't started yet. Haha. And plus, my brother made her play Monopoly with her, and you know how he is. I hate that game. It's never-ending. Too long for a quitter like me.

Don't I have a weird sense of humour? I think my conversation with my sister was funny. LOL. What the f*ck am I talking about? Hmm. Sneezing is fun. It's like all the badness comes out with the spit and boogers as you sneeze it out. LOL. No wonder I like sneezing so much. It seems to make me 'high' too. Haha. That's why I'm seemingly crazy right now. I keep the mental hospital on speed dial. Get ready to press "dial".

Suffocation

Feeling: Lost
Listening to: Time To Burn by The Rasmus

I feel so stupid now. God. I just found out the horrible truth. Makes me feel so stupid. Now I feel as if everything wasn't as bad as I thought, and I just needed someone to blame, so I blamed him. What's wrong with me? I don't know what I'm doing. Was I scared? Oh... Scared of what? I really need to get a hard kick in the ass.

Oh. Zimmy. Poor Zimmy. I don't know what he did. I met him just now. For the first time, and it appears, after all I'd made him do, I owed him a hug. Haha. Well, a couple of hugs. And somehow, it went on until a kiss. And all that while I couldn't get the fact that I had a boyfriend out of my head. I let him kiss me. Just like in my dream, only it wasn't my Strawberry. And then he stopped. He pulled back and was like... "Oh my God. You have a boyfriend." And all that time I kept thinking, what did that make him? My scandal? It sounds so dirty. I don't want a scandal. I don't need one. I've got a nice boyfriend who seems to love me. Ah. But he gets me so frustrated sometimes. Is that what boyfriends are meant to do? Lets skip passed that. So Zimmy kept appologizing. And asking me not to be sad. All that while, I was holding his hand, trying not to let go. I didn't. But he did.

And it just made me think. Think so damn much. I hate thinking but I do it oh-so-often. Poor Zimmy. I don't even know why I keep saying that. He seemed to have gotten me at the most vulnerable state. :( Poor Zimmy. I really needed that hug though. But I don't know. He didn't? He kept asking me how I felt. And I answered what I felt - I don't know. God. Really, I didn't know. I still don't. I was so lost. So taken away by his kiss. He brought me back to reality, when he told me his car was white, with a KB license plate. And I just kept thinking about my Ray all the way in KB. So innocent, and trusting in me. And what did I do? Ow. I must have betrayed him. I guess... I have... a scandal? My God. That just hurts. I wonder how much it will hurt him.

I cut myself again today. I must have cut myself deeper than usual, because blood escaped this time. I never knew that cutter could cut that deep. Now I know. I don't even know why I did it. I guess I needed to check if I was still alive. Maybe that's why I was able to push the blade in deeper this time, whereas usually I'd squirm about. Not this time. It was as if I didn't feel a thing, my eyes proved otherwise. The blood came out. And I was staring at it... I thought it was cool. Have you ever really looked at a cut? It's like... the blood spreads out thru the top layer of the skin too. Interesting. So now the blood has hardened, and it's still red, slowly turning towards black. You can tell I've been cut. I wonder if anyone will notice. Sometimes, for an unknown reason, I want a loved one to cut me. I imagined asking Zimmy to cut me. Haha. I'm scaring myself. I don't know what else to say. I'm still lost. I'm emotionless and I feel so stupid. Shit. Free me from my suffocation... Please! I need Zimmy right now. I wonder why he let go.