I Need To Hear Your Voice...

Feeling: Depressed
Listening to: On My Own by The Used

Today is very much the day to be sad and depressed. It just sets the mood, I don't know why, but even when I woke up I knew it was going to be a sad day. Nothing sad really happened though, it was all in my head, I know, but a sad day, nonetheless.

I love this song playing. It's on repeat and that's just what I need. And the song relates to me, in a way. Relates to the way I'm feeling. The lyrics somehow tell a story much like the way I'm thinking right now. Lyrics?

On My Own by The Used

See all those people on the ground
Wasting time
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what do I know

And now it seems that i have found
Nothing at all
I wanna hear your voice out loud
Slow it down, slow it down
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all

On my own (4x)

Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all

God, this song reminds me of Strawberry that first night I met him. He was so sad after what happened with his ex at Jerudong Park. He was so sweet though, and it was so attracting. And while driving home he told me the best way to release frustration is to scream. So he played this song and sang along. With the screaming parts and all. I found that so lovable. The way he looked so confused and lost. So now it really brings back memories. Memories that, for some reason, make me cry. I miss him so much right now. I wish he'd come back. I don't mind him not liking me more than a friend. I don't care if he can't return any feelings. The way he treated me like a sister was enough. I just want him to come back...

You know what is always a good cure for depression? A hug. Yes, a nice warm, long, enduring hug. So that's why I really need a hug right now, I'd even cry for it. A hug. Just a hug. From anyone. Please?

:( I just really want him to come back to being that nice, perfect friend he once seemed to be.

Cramps

Feeling: Crampy
Listening to: Charred Fields Of Snow by A Static Lullaby

Cool. Check this guy out.




I think he makes a great model. Yes? Particularly in those pants. Doesn't quite match the other ones he was modelling for. (Click)



And I stole this one from here. They look like they're really cute from this angle. Haha. I like the guy without the cap's hands. They're purdy.

Pfft. This isn't a real blog. I just had nothing to do. Sue me. Oh yes, and to homophobic people: Hahahaha!

Ahem. See you.

Batman Smells.....

Feeling: Ignored
Listening to: Distance Is Darkness by As I Lay Dying

Oh fuck. I'm being ignored. Or maybe not. I'm so sensitive. Haha. Strawberry's online but he's not talking. Wonder what he's doing.

A funny thing happened just now, I went to the Aman Complex just now, to buy bread and stuff for dinner. I saw that guy I always see when I go there. He always smiles at my and sometimes says 'Hi.' to me when I go there, and I was just thinking it's something he always does. But today was very different. It freaked me out at first. But what would you expect if a guy was following you around in a department store? He passed by and asked me what my name was, and that would be the first time he spoke more than one word to me. Haha. That kind of scared me, I was thinking "Is he serious? Does he really want me to answer that question?" And my eyes were dodging. Haha. Typical. I answered with a "Sssuue-Anne". Very nervous and unsure reaction.

Hmm. And then we went into seperate aisles. I was kind of relieved since that last bit freaked me out. My mum and I carried on our business, he passed by a few times, smiled, said "Hi", "Excuse me", "Sorry" - the usual words. And then it was check-out time. We were just getting the stuff we bought checked in, then he came by and was being oh-so-helpful with the goods. Haha. But then he asked if my car was out there, I was like.. "Yeah.." He offered to take the bought goods to the car, but I was all "No. It's ok." But he kept insisting, and eventually he did bring the stuff to the car. But my mum was paying for everything, so I had to go and unlock it for him. So I did, and he asked me again what my name was, I gave him the same answer, only with not as many S's. Haha. He said his name was Dennis. He asked me if I had a cell phone, and I said I did. And then he asked me for the number, and I was feeling all awkward again. Then he gave me a note and said he liked me. It's really weird hearing that from someone you don't know, only seen a couple of times, but never spoke to. The note was so sweet though and it reminded me of a movie but I can't remember the name of it. Haha. The note said something like "Hi. I'm Dennis. How about you? May I know your name or cell #? Pls take care coz I care for you." Yes, one more time it was so awkward, but it melted me thinking he was being so sweet. But umm.. Yeah. I'm feeling all bubbly because of that.

Moving on to more important issues, I passed my Malay bits JUST by the passing mark. I didn't go to school today(YAY), but Abang Bolo messaged me and told me how much I got, also on me being a 'Naughty girl' for missing class. Haha. I got 25 over 50 for my karangan, 10.5 over 20 for my letter, and God knows what I got for my rumusan. You see what I mean by 'JUST by the passing mark'? Haha. It's like I just scratched the surface. Very lucky. I just hope I got enough marks for my rumusan.

I was reading through this story I wrote a while back. 2 years ago, or something? I can't remember but it was called 'Romantic Carvings On The Beach And In Her Heart'. Haha. Romantic is the name of the horse. You see, Franz is a girl who loves horses and the beach. Romantic wasn't her horse, it was her friend, Milio's horse, but she loved that horse so much. He was getting really sick, and one day while Franz was riding him, he collapsed right there on the beach. He died on the beach, and Franz couldn't get over the fact that he had died on her one other love, the beach. Thus the ending for the story 'There were Romantic carvings on the beach and in her heart. There always will be.' I actually think it's pretty good, only it's pretty short. Only 5 pages long? Yeah.

I'm bored. I feel the need to write a story though, but after thinking for so long, I still don't know what to write about. I want something touching, something intense, something interesting. Haha. I can't get that feeling. Hmm. Guess I'll go now, can't think of anything else to write about. Jingle bells, batman smells.....

Heavy Metal VS. Hip Hop

Feeling: Nothing
Listening to: I Never Met Another Gemini by The Bled

Hahaha. My sister actually dared compare hip hop with my music? It was funny, but so amusing. I was so bored today, I actually found myself reading through my past entries and you know, they're really boring. Haha. That must have been the reason why I stopped having a blog the first time I got one. Funny, it is. :)

I got back my History paper today, and I got a 73%. Sweet. And I got a sticker! Yay~ I got a sticker that says 'Way To Go!' Haha. Excuse my sarcasism. But heck, it's an improvement from my 32% I got on Test 2. And I got 76% for my Science. It's funny how my Science results never seem to go higher than 70+. Extremely funny.

God, I'm in no mood to blog. My mind isn't being very creative right now. But I found my heavy music I'd been looking for the last time I blogged. Although, it still doesn't seem to be very heavy enough. It's good for me.

I had this weird thought earlier today. I was thinking how pathetic I am actually thinking I like that someone(i.e Strawberry), and even considering the possibilities he may be interested too. Haha. It's really funny once I thought about it. It may be because I was reading this article in an old newspaper I found at school about how teenage girls seem to like older men because they feel they're more mature and that they treat them better. Interesting article. But whatever. Maybe that article made me think real hard about my situation. I seem to be liking older men right now, for just those reasons. Haha. But they say it's not good. Ah well. :P

Yup, I'm not really feeling anything right now. That's why it was so hard to fill in that 'Feeling:' box. XD And maybe that's why I can disgard my feelings for St. so easily. I'm feeling so emotionless now. And I have been since a few days ago. I think it's because I'm not allowing myself to feel anything since all my feelings eventually lead to something bad. I guess it's for the best. I'm running out of words to say, and if I try to find words they'll probably come out real bad, so I'll stop now.

A Kick In The Ass

Feeling: Irritated
Listening to: Modern Love Story by Glassjaw

Don't get close. You don't know me and you'll never know! Haha. Lyrics from a Slipknot song. Think it's 'Don't Get Close'. Those lyrics are just ringing in my ears so I just HAD to type it out. God, lets see. What the fuck did I do today? Slept. Yup. That's it. I slept from 1 till 6. :) It was nice. Hyuk hyuk. I got to have tacos for dinner last night, so there was still some left for today. Goody. I love tacos, I do. One day, eventually, I plan to go to one of those Taco Bell branches in America. Eventually. :)

Ah, so yes, I'm feeling so God damned irritated right now. So excuse the language. Don't worry though, it's censored. Haha. That wasn't funny. Anyway, why am I feeling irritated? Fuck. Even I don't know. Everything and one annoys me. The way everything is. The way that little window blinks whenever someone instant messages me. It's so f*cking annoying. The way people ask me if I'm there when I don't IM them back. Geesh. I was tempted to set my status to Away. Which I do do sometimes when I feel anti social enough.

But wait. Maybe the way the word 'goth' is abused annoys me. I think that's it. The way people can brand themselves goth or punk. It f*cking annoys the hell out of me. Yesh. I am finding the definate need to strongly dislike people who seem to think they can brand themselves. Ah, stereotypes. What the hell can you do with them? They annoy me. Yes, they do. And they've nearly got me on the brink of killing them while they're sleeping. Hyuk. How much fun it would be. Seeing them lifeless in their beds. *grins.

I'm trying to drown myself in heavy music. But right now, I can't find anything heavy enough. Something that can release my anger. Fuck it.

So what do you know, I was alright with my History exam today. I think I did well enough to pass. Hyuk. Amazing, isn't it? I only did a few minutes of studying because I couldn't concentrate. I scanned thru the essays about the discovery of oil and Sultan Sharif Ali and guess what! They came out. Hyuk hyuk. I remembered bits of it. Haha. So it was basically a rojak of all the points I had. Such amusement, yes?

I really need to bite something. Really hard. But I can't find anything suitable. I know when I turn on my mobile again, my boyfriend is going to be so pissed at me. I can't face him. Yesh. He scares me. His sarcastic way of doing things. The way he just jumps at things. Scary. And God knows what Zimmy has to say. I feel like shutting people out is the easiest way out. Haha. XP

That's it. I can't be bothered thinking anymore yet alone typing it all out. Heaven forbid, this is the end of the blog. Shut the fuck up. Oh yea, I decided I wouldn't mind people coming here. Lets just see what happens.

Unbearable Pain

Feeling: Impatient
Listening to: Made For TV Movie by Incubus

Today went by so slowly, yet too fast for me. It's the time of Mid-Year exams, a not-so-important exam but an exam nonetheless. So I just hate it, I do. Although I do like the challenge it builds up inside me. The need to beat the results I got for my Test 1 + 2. I had my Malay paper 1 today, and Science. My Malay was... I don't know. Not perfect. Not good. But.. OK. Just OK. Haha. What would you expect? I only hope I didn't go off topic this time. My Science was OK as well. I was pretty confident when I handed the paper up, but like all the other times, after finding out the real answers, I realized most of my answers were wrong. But the stupid teacher who made the test paper wasn't very smart, now was she. A lot of the answers for the paper were on the paper itself. Mostly in the multiple choice section. Ah, idiots. Don't you just love them?

After school finished, I SO wanted to go home, so I could study properly. I did, for a little more than half an hour, and I was just so tired since I'd been up studying until 2, and I woke up 4 hours later, that I kept dozing off to sleep. My sister's friends were here. Haha. They were scarey. So after that, I went to the office like I usually do on Wednesdays, and as I predicted, I wasn't able to study there. So f*ck that idea. I didn't get to study, and I still haven't even though the hour has just passed 11PM. I think I need to get started. No matter how heavy my eyelids may get. I really NEED to study. History is not a subject that does not go by unstudied for. I might just get 32% like my last test paper. Haha. That was funny.

Right now, my eyes are getting SO heavy. Gosh, I need to sleep. So badly. I've got these lyrics stuck in my head: "I buy my crack, I smack my bitch right here in hollywood" from Prison Song by System of a Down. Nonsensical lyrics, I know. Haha. But the way it's sung is addictive. Rudy's CD is playing in the bedroom, and I can hear it all the way out here in the living room. I've played that CD countless times, and I still can't get enough of it. Probably because I know I'm going to have to give it back eventually. Haha. I'll miss that System of a Down album, Steal This Album.

I changed the template. Haha. When did I sink so low as to using templates? Since I got this lazy and forgetful, that's when! By the way, my memory loss is starting to scare me. Haha. Last night, I was going crazy because I was so sure I left my examination schedule on the bed. I was asking myself who touched my stuff, and then I turned around and saw it staring at me, hanging on my cupboard. And then I remembered. I stuck it up there. God, and I almost attacked someone for it. Haha. I'm going insane. I have to go now though, I really, really need to study for that frikkin exam tomorrow. Just please pray that the exam will be within my knowledge. Ah.. I've got some intense cramming to do!

Soy Un Perdedor

Feeling: Disgraceful
Listening to: Loser by Beck

Pop died. My granddad died. My dad's dad died. At 2:30AM this morning, that is, of course, New Zealand time. So that would be about 9:30PM last night. God, while I was online doing my shit, my grandfather was dying. They said he died peacefully, which I'd like to believe, and that he'd been quite ill for some time. I didn't know how to react when I received an e-mail from my dad entitled "Bad news...", which had all the 'bad news' in it. One short paragraph that he had passed away. I'm trying to be sad. I'm trying to cry. But I can't. I don't know why. I seem to be hyper. But why? It's like all my emotions are backwards. When I actually need to be sad, when I should be sad, I can't be. And why is that? Do I want to know? It caught me by surprise I guess... And I just don't know how to react.

I had yet another dream of my Strawberry this afternoon. It's really starting to creep me out. Like I'm supposed to be getting this message through my dreams. In this dream, I was at this National Day show with my mum. The show was in a big hall, the size of a football stadium. I'd decided to wander off into the crowd, away from my mum when I saw my Strawberry. He was alone so I approached him. I don't know. I think I had this feeling like he wasn't happy to see me there, yet he accompanied me anyway. we went behind the stage(the show was a stage performance), and we sat there next to the stage. Sort of on the stage, but off it. Don't really know how to explain it. But anyway, I had my school work with my for some reason, and he offered to help me with my Malay. Then after a while my mum came out and finally found me. And it was as if she knew I liked him. As if she knew I wanted to spend time with him. To be as united as we were the first time we met. Because, well, she asked me what the time was. Then she gave me a time and said I could go out with him that night. Despite the fact that it was a Sunday night, with a Monday morning the next day. Was so very weird of her to actually willingly let me go out with this guy she didn't really know. And once again, my dreams proved him to be someone I wasn't afraid to show my mum. Haha. Aren't I the weirdest?

My friend Jasmine is still acting very weird. She actually had the courage to ask me whether me and my friend were her friends. I said, "Yea.." She replied with a "I don't think so" or something like that. It's getting so hard to remember things nowadays. I wonder what's happening. But anyway, I wanted to say "Weee're not the friends? Are you sure yoouu're not the one?" Haha. Yes. Emphasize the words in italics. It's the way I wanted to say it. But out of courtesy, I shook it off. Gosh, she's being so immature about whatever it is she's angry about. She thinks if she keeps quiet and ignores us, we'll somehow, magically, figure out why she's pissed off at us? What a world she lives in...

Did I ever mention I keep a book of weird dreams? They're mostly ones concerning about my Pumpkin(It's this imaginary guy I had in my dreams), or ones that are interesting enough. That dream I had this afternoon was one of them. And so far I have 4 entries, from the first time I dreamt up my Pumpkin to this dream I had today. It's very weird the way I can actually dream of things I want. It's... very weird.

I'm nearly finished with my Jack And Jill book. It's getting VERY interesting. Jill is dead now, because Jack shot her in her head. He loved her. She loved him. They loved each other but Jack killed her. And then the child killer, who is a 13-year-old boy, is going to kill the detective Cross's children. Now, there are 2 guys to catch. Jack and the other 'Jack', the extra person, and they're going to kill the president. Oh, so interesting... As the song playing initiates... "I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me?"

My Kelvin T.

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Eviscerate Your Local Supermodel by Twilight City Fracture

People were being so nice to me. Haha. Maybe they thought I was sad or something, which I sortof was. I'd just woken up from a 2 period nap(Ah, what else can the extra Chinese periods be used for?), and I was just so sleepy, knowing me, I just have this blank expression after I wake up. So clueless and able to accept whatever is thrown at me. So teacher Hema asked Wan Yen to sit in my place, and I go to hers, which was all the way across the classroom, next to a girl I wasn't very fond of. I accepted that, since I didn't have the mood to argue, and since I'd accept anything after just waking up. Haha. Chun Yang carried all my books and things over there, I don't really know why, but I had no objections. So I went there, still blank-expressioned, sat down. Then Wan Yen wanted her table, so her table flew over there somehow, and mine came to me. Forgive me, I had no idea what was going since I was so clueless.

Then T.Hema asked me if I minded sitting there, I shook my head 'no'. But honestly, I felt like crying. Haha. It's like someone dumped sand down my throat, and it was blocking my windpipe. Then she asked me if I wanted to go back to my old seating arrangemet. Haha. I nodded my head enthusiasticly, with a smile on my face. Then she said she shouldn't .. take this on me just for Wan Yen's sake? I don't remember her exact words. It was something like that. And she said I was being good, so she didn't need to change my position, plus, she said she was sure I wouldn't be comfortable there. How true. So she let me go back to my old position. Eheh. My desk somehow flew back to my old seat, actually I was awake at this point, so I noticed it was Chicken Breast that brought my desk around. It was so weird, having all these helpers. Haha. Having people be so nice to me. It could have been because I looked to sad, because Chung Yang came to be later asking if I was happy. And so many more annoying questions. Yes, another reason I wasn't entirely happy was because my little friend, Jasmine, was acting weird. She was angry at me and Far for an unknown reason. I figured I'd let it flick off since this happened quite often than it didn't. She's too sensitive, I think.

So anyway, I forgot what happened. Haha. I guess that's what happens when I don't blog after a while. I remember feeling so shitty on Sunday night. I had to take on myself again. Yes, I promised I wouldn't do it again, but I couldn't take it. I don't handle pressure well, I'm sure you've probably figured that out by now. So I took the cutter to my flesh. It went in deeper than before. It always seems to be getting deeper the more times I try it. It wasn't really that deep though, but it got noticed by a few of my classmates, and they asked me what happened. Haha.

It was a cat. Yes, I scratched a cat, and the cat scratched me. Bad kitty.

So now, I've got these scabs on my arm, and when I press it, it hurts. Eheh. The older cuts are going away now, which is what I wanted before. But yeah. Saturday night, I went out with Aki. It was a very.. informing night. Interesting in a way. I helped loosen Aki's friend's (Ariff?) earring. He did the peircing himself. And it hurt. Haha. Yeah, my mum said I'm not supposed to go out anymore. I'm supposed to be home studying. Yeah. Right. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm stuck in the house all the time. I'm thinking I can still go out in the day time though. I don't know. I want my Kelvin T back. :( It gets so lonely without someone to talk to and tease. Haha. Seriously, I miss my seatmate. Even though he is just across the room from me. Sigh.

And I Said... "Speechless"?

Feeling: So damn lonely.
Listening to: Ready For You by Hoobastank

Hi. I'm practically speechless. Though earlier today I was actually really hyper for some unknown reason. Everything's a mess, so I decide to laugh it all off. In hope that maybe one day, just one day, it'll all go away and all the pain will subside. Hmm.

I came across this old diary of mine while I was rampaging through my drawers looking for my Sugar Ray tape. Don't ask me what I'm doing with a Sugar Ray tape... Ok, fine. You shook it out of me. I like 2 of their songs and they just happened to be on the album. So I made my friend buy it for me. Muahah! Since knowing me, I had no money at the time. Haha! Plus that McGrath guy is pretty hot. Love those eyes. Anyway, the diary was mine of 3 years ago. 2001? Yea. And what I noticed was, I always talked about death. Hmm. I was writing about how death comes, does what it does, and then leaves. There's no stopping it, so you might as well accept it when it comes. True.

But moving on, I finally got to borrow that James Patterson book from the library I'd been wanting to read since before the first term holidays! Jack And Jill, it's called. I really needed some reading material since, at this point, burying my head in a book, letting myself fly off to some foreign place, lets me forget about real life for a while. Lets me forget every little problem existing. Ah, books do magical things, they do. And right now, I'm up to Chapter 16. But don't think I'm close to finishing just yet... There are 115 chapters! Sweet. Lots and lots of reading for me to do. Sigh. At least I've got something to do. Forget it. I'm a loser.

Oh, yes. I just figured out I'm such a poser. Such a fraud and I'd rather not explain why. I just find myself trying to fit in, but out with people. Eh? Do you understand me? No? Ok. That's good. Lets just forget this little paragraph exists, shall we?

School is shitty. I thought maybe it could get better, but no. It's still shitty as hell. I failed my f*cking Malay test paper. Really badly. And God, when I say really bad, I mean REALLY bad. I got 12. Over 50 times 1.6 = 19%. Wow. Haha. And the reason why I did so badly was because... I went off topic. Hmm. It was that Malay composition paper I hate doing. And this does NOT make me like it any more. F*ck it. Knowing just how bad my results are kind of ruined my day, but let me know Kelvin T cares about me. Haha. I think he noticed I wasn't being exactly happy and he told me I should forget about it, I've still got mid-year. I can do it. Hehe. It was cute of him. He's a really nice person which makes me wonder why Jas doesn't like him very much. I think he's great. :) By the way, today was the inter-class Chinese play competition thingie. My class was in it. They were pretty good but I think the best performance was by Form 5B. Forgive me if I got the class wrong. I'm not good with those kind of things.

So whatever. I'm done ranting. I can't be bothered thinking up more stuff to say, although I'm sure I could. Until the next time I decided to tell you about how pissed off I am, see you. Unless I die before that. In that case, see you. In heck. Haha. I'll be waiting.

Nostalgic Memories.

Feeling: Stupid
Listening to: The Shooting Star That Destroyed Us All by A Static Lullaby

I wonder why I'm blogging so much now. I hated updating this thing, so why am I so up-to-date now? I still hate updating because I feel people don't need to know what I did and felt for exactly everyday. It's too much for me. I need more privacy than that. I guess things have been happening. Things which are worth writing about, things I want to remember. Otherwise I wouldn't have typed it out. I also realized a lot of my blogs are just random thoughts, so I'm guessing this will be another mixture of that. Random thoughts coming as they came to mind.

My heart isn't broken. It's just torn. It's contents have seeped through the cut, and very slowly, more and more love is leaking out. But to where? Where is it going? Ah. That I don't know. Will I ever? I hope not. I'm scared of what I might find out. Scared to find out what my heart has been longing for for so long. But is it really that scary? It could be. And so that is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that my heart will be loving something I need not know. Haha. I confuse myself.

I'm nearly done with my Vittorio book. I've only got 7 more pages to go. And guess what. I nearly cried. It's kind of sad how Ursula's father sold her to the vampire Florian. How she described to the Fra Joshua how she became one of the demons. Anne Rice is just magical. I wonder why I never wandered along her literature before. Thank God I finally did. It gets shockingly descriptive, which makes it the most bit interesting. And honestly, at the beginning, I thought it was lacking quite the amount of intensity I'd hoped it would have. I kept reading though, for the sake of Chewy. How much he seemingly loved that book. And I found that missing-ness I was looking for. So, thank you. Especially as Ursula made Vittorio one of the damned ones. As he raged about after realizing what had happened. Haha.

Now my stupidity has hit me hard on the head. And I needed that. It makes me laugh at how stupid I have been in the past. Ashamed too. But what can I say? With stupidity comes shame. Haha. Just what I need.

Aki. I forgot to mention I went to the Mall with him and Syazwan(he came with his younger sister) last Saturday. The Saturday when I bumped into my Strawberry's vocalist, Azam, was it? Yea. So now I miss Aki. Haha. I miss his "pirated" dimples. The way they dig deep into his cheeks when he smiles. It's so cute. So sweetly, adorably cute. Haha... I still wonder how he could have "pirated" his dimples. Strange boy, he is. But so lovable.

Today is Monday. It's a public holiday so I had no school. Yay. I'd been waiting so long for this. I don't know why. I just spent the day at home. Trying to drag my sister to go hang out at that same place me and my Strawberry hung out last time. It was a nice place, even he said so. Nice place to hang out. Haha. My sister asked me who hangs out there, and.. (conversation continues below):

ME: No one..
HER: So why are there benches?
ME: I don't know. But we could go there everyday, and make that place 'ours'. (Haha)And they'd all be like.. "Oh, here they come. Get out of their way". Act like we own the place. *grins
HER: *looks at me sarcastically.

So anyway. We didn't go there. And out of the sake of privacy, I'm not going to say exactly 'where'. She said we'd 'hang out' there tomorrow though since she has to study today because her exams start tomorrow and she hasn't started yet. Haha. And plus, my brother made her play Monopoly with her, and you know how he is. I hate that game. It's never-ending. Too long for a quitter like me.

Don't I have a weird sense of humour? I think my conversation with my sister was funny. LOL. What the f*ck am I talking about? Hmm. Sneezing is fun. It's like all the badness comes out with the spit and boogers as you sneeze it out. LOL. No wonder I like sneezing so much. It seems to make me 'high' too. Haha. That's why I'm seemingly crazy right now. I keep the mental hospital on speed dial. Get ready to press "dial".

Suffocation

Feeling: Lost
Listening to: Time To Burn by The Rasmus

I feel so stupid now. God. I just found out the horrible truth. Makes me feel so stupid. Now I feel as if everything wasn't as bad as I thought, and I just needed someone to blame, so I blamed him. What's wrong with me? I don't know what I'm doing. Was I scared? Oh... Scared of what? I really need to get a hard kick in the ass.

Oh. Zimmy. Poor Zimmy. I don't know what he did. I met him just now. For the first time, and it appears, after all I'd made him do, I owed him a hug. Haha. Well, a couple of hugs. And somehow, it went on until a kiss. And all that while I couldn't get the fact that I had a boyfriend out of my head. I let him kiss me. Just like in my dream, only it wasn't my Strawberry. And then he stopped. He pulled back and was like... "Oh my God. You have a boyfriend." And all that time I kept thinking, what did that make him? My scandal? It sounds so dirty. I don't want a scandal. I don't need one. I've got a nice boyfriend who seems to love me. Ah. But he gets me so frustrated sometimes. Is that what boyfriends are meant to do? Lets skip passed that. So Zimmy kept appologizing. And asking me not to be sad. All that while, I was holding his hand, trying not to let go. I didn't. But he did.

And it just made me think. Think so damn much. I hate thinking but I do it oh-so-often. Poor Zimmy. I don't even know why I keep saying that. He seemed to have gotten me at the most vulnerable state. :( Poor Zimmy. I really needed that hug though. But I don't know. He didn't? He kept asking me how I felt. And I answered what I felt - I don't know. God. Really, I didn't know. I still don't. I was so lost. So taken away by his kiss. He brought me back to reality, when he told me his car was white, with a KB license plate. And I just kept thinking about my Ray all the way in KB. So innocent, and trusting in me. And what did I do? Ow. I must have betrayed him. I guess... I have... a scandal? My God. That just hurts. I wonder how much it will hurt him.

I cut myself again today. I must have cut myself deeper than usual, because blood escaped this time. I never knew that cutter could cut that deep. Now I know. I don't even know why I did it. I guess I needed to check if I was still alive. Maybe that's why I was able to push the blade in deeper this time, whereas usually I'd squirm about. Not this time. It was as if I didn't feel a thing, my eyes proved otherwise. The blood came out. And I was staring at it... I thought it was cool. Have you ever really looked at a cut? It's like... the blood spreads out thru the top layer of the skin too. Interesting. So now the blood has hardened, and it's still red, slowly turning towards black. You can tell I've been cut. I wonder if anyone will notice. Sometimes, for an unknown reason, I want a loved one to cut me. I imagined asking Zimmy to cut me. Haha. I'm scaring myself. I don't know what else to say. I'm still lost. I'm emotionless and I feel so stupid. Shit. Free me from my suffocation... Please! I need Zimmy right now. I wonder why he let go.

I'd Rather Die Than Suffer

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: Burn, Burn by Lost Prophets

Today was so damn shitty. Everything was a mess. My History test was so sucky. I left so many questions blank because I didn't know the answer to them and I'm pretty confident I'm going to fail. Ah well, you win some, you lose some. I seem to have lost this one. But what would you expect when I had 2 tests back to back, and no time for extra learning. :P My Maths test however, was a lot better than my History. I knew how to do it! Haha. It's amazing. Well, I knew MOST of it. I didn't answer 4 questions. :P Indices. Or something. The ones with the little fraction at the top. I hate fractions.

So the rest of the day was just even more shitty. It seems as if Jasmine has the measles. Hehe. She had these little itchy dots on her. N I was like... "Is it in circles? No? It might be measles then." N she was just like.. "No...!" Haha. Must have been scared or something.

Moving on, I came home at 1 and slept until 5. I really needed that. I woke up to the sound of my annoying ringtone ringing over and over again. Who was calling? Hehe. Teddy. So I'm just feeling really shitty right now too. It feels like my brains are too big for my head, and they're beating with my heartbeat, trying to get out thru a tiny hole at the back of my head. Damn headaches.

I'm going out for dinner later. At the yacht club. Haven't been there in ages. My sister was gonna take me there a few months ago though, to see this rock performance or something, knowing she knows how much I love my music. :D But we didn't go. Haha. She didn't know we had to pay, and guess what... We didn't have the money. Even though it was only $15 or something. Ah well...

My head is about to explode. I had another dream of my Strawberry just now. That's the 3rd time in a row and it's starting to get scary. I very rarely get to dream of things I want... so it's just scary. In the dream, I was going to the USA but my mum didn't want to go with us. I didn't want to go, but she left me and my bro at the airport to fly away. And somehow, we were in the airplane with my stepmother. Eheh. N there was this computer there. Haha... Strawberry was on the computer screen! It was like a webcam or something. Ah.. I miss him.

Earlier today, I remember this dream I had a while back. The schools disipline master was teaching us, and the only word my friend could say was "Rugi". Hmm.. And now that I think of it. The disipline master retired. We lost him. He was the "rugi"ed one. LOLz.

You know what, I'm beginning to believe God does answer prayers. It may just be me. But I've been praying for a lot of things, and they've come. Maybe He does answer prayers, we just never notice them. I prayed he would bring my Strawberry back, since he'd abandoned me, and he came back. He came back and said he missed me. Hehe. And that other situation, when I prayed Chewy would find someone else he's happy with, he found her. Or what about when I prayed SOO hard that the Malay paper for PCE would be of my standard, and made able for me to do it? Coincedence? I don't know how to spell that. LOL. There have been times I prayed I had the confidence, I got it. Times I prayed nothing bad would happen when I went out with certain people, that worked. Hmm.. But not all the time when I prayed the person I went out with was my Pumpkin I dreamt about. Are prayers really answered?

Look For The Girl With The Broken Smile

Feeling: Unhappy
Listening to: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5

Oh. I love this song. Makes me feel hopeful yet sad. Just the feeling I need. Today, I had school. It was shitty. Like always. School's just so shitty.

I never told you, did I? I guess I have a boyfriend. I don't like thinking of it that way, since I don't really feel the same way about him. It feels like I'm betraying him, but I accepted his proposal, even though it was against everything I believed in(not loving someone I didn't love, if you know what I mean). And I don't like talking about relationships I'm not particularly proud about.

I met my Strawberry today. He was nice, gorgeous as always. He was in class with me, and he was just so sweet. He was sitting with me, and he kissed me gently on the shoulder. Then he came up and gave me a kiss on my lips so gentle, it felt like a cloud washed over me. It was so gentle, and modest, yet it made me want more. I let him kiss me, and I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend, even though it meant I WAS betraying him. It was really magical. I thought it was too good to be true. Hah. And then I woke up.

Isn't it strange how dreams can seem so real sometimes? And when you wake up, you wish the dream never ended, or that it was real. *sigh* I guess I haven't gotten over him. I don't know what to do. It's so strange. It felt like he was dead a few weeks ago, and now he's alive again. Taking everything that makes me with him.

After that dream, I woke up and it was 6. That meant I'd been sleeping for 2 hours. Maybe it was the position I was in, or something, but when I woke up my everything was in pain. All my muscles hurt, and my eyes were burning. It hurt even more when I cried. It still hurts though. So I just lay there for another hour. Enduring the pain. Taking it all in. Letting me feel what I put upon myself. Letting my tears burn my skin. I couldn't move. My body hurt too much, so I didn't eat dinner. I had a piece of garlic bread, although that's not considered as having dinner. I didn't want to eat anymore. It hurts when I touch cold things. It stings so much. Ow. Was it meant to hurt this much? I don't want to know.

I read Vittorio, The Vampire. The book Chewy gave me. And it made me think. Maybe there's another reason why God made people die. Maybe it's because he didn't want us to suffer for so long, so he made us die. Whereas, demons, vampires, and et cetera don't die, they live forever. So they have to suffer longer. Hah. Right. Was just a thought. Blame it on Vittorio.

School Just Sucks.

Feeling: Deserted
Listening to: First Day Of My Life by The Rasmus

Ah. I'm at school now. I never thought I would get as low as to actually blog while at school. But there's a first for everything, and I'm just really bored. School sucked today. I had my Commerce test, and I didn't know much of it. I eventually found myself staring at Kelvin's test paper, which he WAS showing me. Haha. What are friends for? I had to help him out on the Commerce part, since he was a genius with that Book-Keeping crap. Maths genius?

I wasn't hungry all day, but I ate anyway. Even though it was a waste of the little money I don't have. Pfft. I need to save up $30. And I barely have $5. Such a loser. Haha.

Today isn't over yet, so I don't have anything to talk about. What happened yesterday? I dunno. I don't want to remember. Hmm. I cried, if I remember correct, cause my brother was being a dumbass. And he got me so angry, tears just came streaming down my face. Ah well, it felt good to be able to cry again.

Oh yes, now I remember. I had piano lessons, and when it finished, it was raining really heavily. I liked the rain though. But they let me sit inside the little musical shop they have downstairs, if that's what you call it, and I found these really nice bookmarks. I want one. Haha. They had Chopin, Bach, and et cetera, but duh, I had no money. Poor me. Pfft. Anyway, my car finally came after 20 minutes, and I made my way *slowly* to the car (was trying to get as much rain on me as I could.) And on the way home, I was staring at the sky, cause there was lightning and thunder, and it was just beautiful. I like thunderstorms. They wake up another side of you, and it's just a pretty sight, watching the rain stream down the windows, and see your reflection shrivel up on the window.

I have to go now. Class is almost over. I'm not going to blog again tonight, even if something 'interesting' happens. But maybe I might, I just don't like blogging twice in one day. Pfft.

The Agony

Feeling: Broken
Listening to:What Happened To Us by Hoobastank

So sorry about the last post. I was in such a hurry to leave didn't really tell you what happened. And I don't really want to. Haha. Thank you Moe, my wall. You helped my cheer up. And now, Strawberry is back. I was waiting for 3 weeks. :P I missed him a lot. I went to The Mall last night. And just to remind you guys, I STILL think it's a stupid name. Haha. Makes me laugh. LOL. Anywayy, I say a lot of people I knew there. Hmm.. I saw Strawberry's friend, the singer dude.. And Carrie as well at Coffeezone (Yes, I was there. Despite how much I hate it.). And she was like... "Sue-Anne!!" Haha.. Startled me, really. Anyway, thought you could read these lyrics...


What Happened To Us by Hoobastank

I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness i had inside me
But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
Cause i'm the only one who understands me

What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now were lost and lonely
What happened to us
I know deep inside I worry did i lose my only one?

Remember they thought we were too young
To really know what it takes to make it
But we had survived off what we have done
And we could show them all that they're mistaken
Who could have known the lies that would grow
Until we could see right through them
Remember they knew we were too young
We still don't know what it takes to make it

We could have made it work, we could have found a way,
Should have done our best to see another day
But we kept it all inside until it was too late
And now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
For throwing it all away, for throwing it all away...

Thank you. You may go now. Shoo.

Oh.. Neglection.

Feeling: Neglected
Listening to: Up And Gone by Hoobastank

My God. I haven't blogged in a while, but even though, nothing much has happened during my absence. :P There was that Inter-Class Cross-Country Race that I didn't attend... So the next day Mr.Ang (the disipline master) called me into his office to give him my reason. My excuse: The muscle in my leg tore. Well, it did. Haha. Although it was better that time of the Cross-Country. I guess I was just too lazy to go. But Jesus Christ, you had to be there at 6:45 AM! And since it was held on a Sunday, that meant they're dragging us to school 7 f*cking days in a week. Damn. I'm not doing that. I need time for myself... And oh yea, time for rest. XD

Right now, I'm so tired. It's still considered early though, so it's really weird why I'm feeling sleepy so early nowadays. But I guess with us studying 6 days a week, and having to wake up at 6 in the morning has something to do with it. I calculated, and it seems I'm only getting 3-4 hours of sleep. Interesting. That must be why I'm always so sleepy at school and in the afternoons when I come back from school. Yes, it's interesting.

Anyway, I'm having trouble liking my Geography teacher. She manages to do the one thing that annoys me so much about a teacher - when they call students names. (i.e idiot, stupid, etc) It's like they think they're the supreme power or something. And so I just don't like her. I had my Geo test today, I came in just as it turned 10. And she starts screaming "What time is it? You're late. Do you know you're late?". She said some other stuff but I was too annoyed to pay attention. I was just like "it just turned 10." and she said "Your test starts at 10." Jesus. So I muttered "it was only 9:59 when I came in the class." and took a seat. I hate that. That thing teachers do that just gets me so annoyed. I wasn't the only late one, but even though, I wasn't late! About 10 other people came in later than me and she didn't yell at them like she had to me. That SO pissed me off. F*cking idiot. But over all, the test went okay. I knew most of it, although I'm pretty sure 30% of my answers are wrong. Ah well.

There was this Malay composition paper we were given. It said something about a competition, so I didn't bother doing it. I slept thru the whole hour they'd given. And only after everything was over, a few days went by, I was told it was my Malay test 2. I was just like.. "...Really?" I couldn't have answered it anyway, I didn't understand the questions. It was like in another form of some kind of alien language. My Malay teacher noticed that only me and Jasmine didn't do ANYTHING on the test paper. LOL. So he asked us if we want to take another test, only it's going to be harder. It's either that or no marks. I decided to take the chance, so there's my Malay test tomorrow. Hmph. I hate Malay compositions.

I just read this thing about Chewy. And it just changed everything I thought about him. I better go, I'm starting to cry. It feels like I'm cracking inside. I feel so dizzy.. Like my tummy is spinning. I'm going to faint or puke.. or something. Why did he do this? :(

Northern Lights

Feeling: Frightened
Listening to: Still Standing by The Rasmus

Hello there. I was reading the card that Chewy gave me for the 100th time, and then I opened up the book and I just noticed something writen on the second page. Something my blind eyes didn't see before. What was writen was so little, yet it touched my so much. It read: "Love You! Sue Anne. From Chewy. *NVR.4GET.ME." Oh, it just crumbled my insides and turned me inside out. I don't know what it was but it made me think really hard as I held the book to my head. And then I found a tingling inside to do some painting. I had the paints. The poster paints I wanted for so long. Although it wasn't oil or acrillic paint, it was good enough for me. I got my brushes and found my "painting" music. :)

It's really relaxing music from the 1800s or something. The romantic era. I love that era. Some of the best music came from the era. Like Franz Liszt's peices. Simply incredible. But my most favourite song from this Classic album I have called "The Classical Mood; Passion", Carmina Burana, 'O Fortuna' by Carl Orff has this dark side that I just love. The album's got mostly loves songs on it, thus the name Passion.

So anyway, was I was saying, I set to work on my painting. And I slowly got this image of this black figure holding onto a heart with it's ever-so-sharp fingers. And another black figure holding a stake with a heart at the end. Another heart is on a stake with needles thru it, I don't think you can tell it's needles though. But yea, there's some more to it, but this is just a rough summary. And then there's this fire-like background. With the flames hitting the feet of the black images. I don't know what they are. But I'm thinking they represent love. And they're hurting the hearts, so the story is: Love just hurts your heart. Poor heart. Yes, poor heart.

I haven't finished with the painting. I think I'll just finish it tomorrow. Oh yea, I forgot to say I finally finished "Do They Hear You When You Cry". It's a nice book. Very interesting. So I finished it, and now I'm reading that vampire book Chewy gave me. And I know the name now! Haha. It's Vittorio, The Vampire by Anne Rice. LOL. I've only finished the first chapter though. I plan to finish the book with interest though. For Chewy's sake.

Now I'm geeling so scared. So frightened. And I don't know what for. I cut myself again. I don't know why I do it. It's almost as if I take pleasure in it. But yea, I did and it stung. It hurt and was a little itchy. But it's not anymore. And I didn't realize it then, I didn't realize how many times I had cut myself, but now there's quite a lot of cuts along my left arm. I was surprised to see how many. I must have been blind while I was doing it. Now they're starting to swell up. At least none of them bled this time.

Another reason why I might be torturing myself is because no one seems to care. No one seems to notice. I wonder how long it will take for them to notice. How many cuts I need to have for them to see I'm hurting. Oh well, I feel the need to post up some lyrics that mean a lot to me right now. Do you mind?

Still Standing by The Rasmus

I wish you here tonight with me to see the northern lights
I wish you were here tonight with me
I wish I could have you by my side tonight when the sky is burning
I wish I could have you by my side

Cause I've been down and I've been crawling
Won't back down no more

Can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
Down on me, I'm still standing
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
Conscience clear, I'm still standing here

burns like a thousand stars, though you are light years away
burns like a thousand stars or more

you're up there, you're always with me
smiling down on me

can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here

It's something sacred, something so beautiful
something quiet to ease my mind
when the pressure's taking me over and over

cause I've been down and I've been crawling
pushed around and always falling
you're up there, you're always with me
smiling down on me

can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here
can't you stop the lies, falling from the skies
down on me, I'm still standing here
can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised
conscience clear, I'm still standing here

If you want to hear the song, click. It's not the full song though. Just a sample. I think that's it. I just love this song. It's soothing. I'm going to bed now. It's 11:11PM. Cool. Bye. I got fucking school tomorrow. I hate school. Yes, I do. I just hope no one notices the cuts I have. Heh. Nite.

What A Bond To Break...

Feeling: Neutral
Listening to: Time And Time Again by Papa Roach

Hello. :P I tend to lack updates. It's not like I don't remember or anything. I remember when I first get online, and then I'll start procrastinating until eventually I don't do it. Haha. I need to fix that. I'll try to...

Chewy bought me a precious book that was so dear to him. He wanted it so much and yet he gave it to me. It was really sweet of him. Thank you. It was a vampire chronicle by the way. One of them stories by Anne Rice. :P I haven't memorized the name yet, but trust me, I will. I have yet to read it, I'm still reading my "Do The Hear You When You Cry" by Fauziya Kassindja book. It's actually really interesting. So realistic. It lets me know just how bad people's lives can really get while I'm away in my fantasy land dancing around with Jade Puget.

Anywayyy, Sunday was the day of my class trip. We went to the beach, just to take pictures for the activity page of the school magazine. It was fun, I guess. The guys attacked me, but it was fun. LOL. :P Yea, I hurt my leg. Hwa Lik asked me to sit on the see saw and put my legs up, so I did. And he sat on the other side, and then he jumped off. And wham! The bottom of the see saw smacked hard on the ground and it felt like my upper half of my body had been seperated from the bottom half. The pain subsided though. But now there's this ache in my leg when I lift it up 90 degrees, and bend it inwards. It feels like I've got this big cramp, and my leg just freezes with pain until I put it down again. And today, it's just getting worse. I can't put any weight on it. When I do, it feels like it's going to snap. Dear God. Isn't that sweet?

Anyway, I got in trouble on Sunday night for reasons I shouldn't say. Or rather, I don't want to say. It's embarrassing and so immature of me, so I'll just skip that part. But as punishment, my phone had been confiscated. But I got it back this morning, which was okay, I guess. I mean, it was only 2 complete boring days without a phone or anyone to talk to. I hated every second of it, I guess. Although I couldn't have cared less about it. It was like my life had stopped and I was somewhere far away. Where none of this existed. Like everything froze, and time didn't matter anymore. But it had nothing to do with my phone being taken away. I just felt so down in the dumps. So meaningless. I cut myself a few times with no expression on my face. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't feel the pain as the blade cut my skin. Haha. Actually, I didn't feel anything coz I didn't really cut myself. It was more like intensive scratching with a sharp blade until eventually it bled the blood I was waiting for. The moment is gone, and the scabs are just beautiful.

I finally finished that poem I was supposed to write for the Poetry Writing Competition at my school about success. It took a lot out of me, but I finally got the inspiration to write. And I guess I'm satisfied. I just don't believe someone like be could be so hopeful. Haha. Can you say hypocrite? Anyway, how about a sample? I can't think of anything else to put here, so I'm letting you see the poem before I send it in. I'm still debating about the name though. But I think I'll keep it.

If You Try...

When it feels like the world is crashing down,
And nothing is going right.
When it seems there's no one left,
No one to shed the light.

When nothing ever turns out,
At all, how you'd hoped.
When it seems there's no survival,
No way, it seems, to cope.

When that dark shadow above,
Starts to crumble and fall.
When you cry so hard at night,
But no one seems to hear you call.

When all your hopes and dreams,
Seem so lost and gone forever.
When the days seem to never end,
No matter how hard you endeavor.

Don't be afraid to stand up tall,
It might be a bumpy ride.
But eventually, you'll get there,
And the pain will, at last, subside.

Look for the hope you have inside,
Let it help you fine your way.
Nothing is impossible,
If you try, success will be yours one day.

So yea, that's it. What do you think? :P I can't find any words to say so I'll leave you with that. Till next time, bye.

Live A Little, Die A Little.

Feeling: Numb
Listening to: Talk Show On Mute by Incubus

Hwa Lik said the nicest thing to me the other day. I was so touched. My God, I never thought I'd hear such a thing from him. He was trying to annoy me, by blocking my way. Eheh. Went like this:

HL: How come you never get angry one?
Me: Haha. You want me to be angry?
HL: No.. It's just umm.. how do you say it in English.. You're so... so... good heart.
Me: Oh? Eheh...

Haha. N I was so shy I didn't know what to say. I just sat down in my seat smiling. So yea, that was really nice of him.

Lately, I've been feeling so empty. Like everything has lost its meaning. Like nothing matters anymore. And like I don't have a purpose to live anymore. I'm lost somewhere and I don't know how to get out. The emptiness is eating at me and I don't know if I will survive. I'm just getting more and more empty every day. When people ask me what I'm doing, I reply with a "dying." Ooh. I'm weird. Yea, I feel like I'm dying. Or possibly, like I'm in the future. To the time I mean the least - my death. It's like everyone has forgotten about me, and nothing matters because I'm dead.

So that's how I've been feeling. The internet connection at home has been bad, so that's partly the reason why I haven't posted in a while. Forgive me. But I trust you have been entertained while I wasn't active, yes? I've been reading this really interesting book called "Do The Hear You When You Cry" by Fauziya Kassindja. It's about this African woman who went to seek refuge in America and it's really interesting. Although, right now it's seeming very cliche. Bleh. I haven't finished the book yet, I've just finished like.. half of it. I've got a long way to go. I've been reading it between classes and such so I'll eventually have the book finished. Yay~

Numbness fills me now. I can't feel anything. I can't feel the pain. I can't feel the tears. I can't feel the happiness. Or the emptiness. Is this a good thing? I don't really care. Now that I mentioned it, I had a good cry just now. It felt good to let everything out in tears. Although it does bring back memories I wish I could forget. It's like my troubles washed away with the tears, but sadly, they didn't. They're still here, haunting me. But.. haha. I can't feel anything! I'm numb for God's sake.

I miss him. Haha. I miss my Strawberry, although he is one of the people who hurt me the most, I miss him so much. So God damned much. :( He doesn't know how much I value him, and I don't think he ever will. I don't think I'll tell him so I don't see any other way he would. Sometimes guys can be so clueless of how girls feel about them. Haha. No offense, but it's true! But maybe we girls do the same. But anyway, I miss him. I thought he would be the one who could remove this grief, but he doesn't seem to know I'm wishing it was him. He doesn't know. He doesn't know I need him. He doesn't know I'm in need of his healing. Oh how much I wish he knew. :( How do I tell him?

I'm really blank now. He just went offline. I didn't get to say good bye. I'm hoping one day he'll know how I feel. Hehe. It's just that he doesn't feel the same way about me, so he might react .. differently. I'll be quiet. Won't say anything. Shut up. Oh yea, there's that song "The Reason" by Hoobastank, it reminds me so much of him. And his girlfriend. The way he sang that song to her. Ouch. I'm stinging with jealousy. :P Anyway, I got to go. I've got school.... today. Geez. Good nite.. Err... Morning.

Haunting Memories.

Feeling: Depressed.
Listening to: Lies by Billy Talent

Depression and sorrow seems to be all I feel. I can't feel happiness anymore and it's making it harder for me to write a poem about success. I've gotten a few stanzas done, but I doubt they're even going to be the ones that I'm going to use. I just don't know how to write about success. Anyway, I as feeling pretty content until Rudy called. He just makes it harder for me. I don't mind him, but he seems to be too dependant. I can't stand it really. And then I had to go and read Strawberry's little testimonial thingies again. Geez, that made me feel even worse. I want to smash my head thru this concrete wall in front of me. But I better not.

I cried last night. I don't really know why. I cried while talking to Rudy. But I can't remember if it was last night or the night before, I'm so blur. Excuse me. So yea, I cried. And then I found an old letter my dad sent me last year. It made me feel sooo angry. But I won't rant over here. I've already done that last night. But anyway, I cried because I was angry. So frustrated. I was caught with the phrase "the blade is cold and it stings.." in my head all day. Haha. I don't know how many times I've repeated it.

Half the day has gone by, and I can't decide if I should go out with Rudy or with.. Sycho Angel.. Ray? Or whatever. But Ray did ask me first. Which reminds me, this guy called me up and said that we chatted. He called me "gothic princess", it was kind of weird because I don't remember chatting with someone called Ray. Or Sycho Angel. But yea, he's from KB, and I just don't feel right. But I think I'm just being my paranoid self.

I think I should go now. I managed to get the computer at home to work, so that's how I'm online. I'd hate to say this, after what he's unknowingly done to me.. but I miss Strawberry. And I wish I could see him some time soon. I miss him alot. I hate it. But I miss him. What can I do? Nothing. That's it. I can't tell him coz I will look so stupid. Hehe. I'm thinking he thinks I'm immature. And that he likes me as a sister. I wouldn't want to ruin that kind of relationship, I guess this is as good as I'll ever get. But I can't help feel attracted. Something inside me is burning, anger I guess? Bye-