Feeling: Horrible

B -

It seems it took two months of distracting myself to suddenly feel a humongous wave of guilt come crashing over me.

I treated you disgustingly, and it really does make my skin crawl. You deserved a lot more courtesy than I had given, and you were so important to me.

So, I feel like I don't deserve anything good, at all, ever again, but now it sounds like I'm making this about me again when this has also been about you from the beginning.

I have been incredibly selfish, and indeed, perhaps people should be allowed to be selfish (since it appears that's what happiness is about - satisfying yourself in some way). But now, I think being recklessly so isn't the right way to do it. And that is exactly how I've done it.

I wish I had handled us with a lot more grace, but things on television are too perfect for real life and my script isn't pre-written and proofread and guided by a team of Hollywood writers.

Oh, I am so confused, but I was so sure, but I was so confused, but I was so sure about being confused, but I was so sure, but I was so confused.

Why do I treat people the way I do? And not just any kind of people; people who treat me perfectly but who I repay by being ungrateful and conceited.

It's like I have unfairly robbed you. Of feelings, of time, of money, of effort, of everything you could have possibly given that you unquestioningly gave. Without very much in return.

And I am so, so, so, so sorry. :(

As persuasive as my newfound beliefs are, I still don't know what's "right".

And I don't know what's wrong.

- S

You will be given love;
you will be taken care of.
You'll be given love;
you have to trust it.

Maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours;
Maybe not from the directions
you are staring at.

Twist your head around;
it's all around you.
All is full of love;
all around you.

All is full of love;
you just ain't receiving.
All is full of love;
your phone is off the hook.
All is full of love;
your doors are all shut.
All is full of love.

♥

Some relevant notes on human nature that I relevantly took down from some relevant reading I had to do for my relevant Spin Unspun: Public Relations and the News Media class (back in the day):

From "The Effect of Worldviews on Public Relations" by James E. Grunig and Jon White in Excellence in Public Relations and Communication Management edited by James E. Grunig (1992, p. 46):

Tuleja (1985) pointed out that the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) works because it is a selfish rule: "The Golden Rule works not in spite of selfishness, but because of it. Jesus, that supreme psychologist, was also a supreme egoist. That is why he understood love" (p. 24). The rule is selfish because it mandates that people should think of how they would like to be treated by others and then treat others in the same way.

From "Crisis and Transition" in In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Woman's Development by Carol Gilligan (1982, p. 127):

The truths of relationship, however, return in the rediscovery of connection, in the realization that self and other are interdependent and that life, however valuable in itself can only be sustained by care and relationships.

Make the most of now.

Make the most of now.

Not tomorrow or next year - they might not even come.

Not yesterday or the day before - their moment has passed.

Fucking NOW.

It's all we really have.

Feeling: Proper
Listening to: Down by Kutless

Conventions should be broken more frequently. That way, people would realise that there aren't any rules set in stone when it comes to life and living - it's different for everyone.

Just because some person a long time ago decided everyone should follow a convenient set of steps, doesn't mean you absolutely have to. You will not die horribly unhappy if you don't and goddammit if I have revealed myself to be as self-righteous as I really am. :D

Some ideas I propose more people should challenge:

1. People can be perfect for each other, but marriage isn't for everyone. If you are perfectly fine making that kind of commitment, then that is great - but don't expect every other person to want to do the same thing.
   
2. Not everyone needs to become a parent to find purpose in life. Having a child is a huge responsibility, and it is something that should change your life forever - but some people just aren't designed to be parents.
   
3. It's okay to not masturbate. I don't get why the media continue to emphasise how normal it is to touch yourself, but fail to provide any support for the idea that it is equally natural not to.
   

In a similar vein, not everyone will agree that being unconventional is advantageous. And that's cool, too (although much less so, for obvious reasons (such as, I said so)).

Just keep in mind, a lot of these customs have been around for years and years. And although the status quo may suggest success, it doesn't exactly mean progress.

Feeling: Invalid
Listening to: A World So Cold by Mudvayne

It was magic while it lasted.




It is not your fault.

Feeling: Nondescript

It appears I have reached a new level in the colourful relationship I have with my grandmother.

Last night, I went to bed the earliest I've gone to bed in ages. I was determined to give myself a good night's rest, and I was pretty confident nothing would get in the way of that. I would get 7 and a half hours of uninterrupted sleep, and I'd have time to eat breakfast, drink a cup of coffee, scan some important documents, and maybe even put the washing on the line.

But as fate would have it, of course that wasn't going to happen.

Instead, I was rudely awakened at 3 in the morning by a very livid (and very mobile - looks like her hip has healed nicely) grandmother armed with a hard, plastic hanger, shouting angry words at me while she attempted to beat me to death.

I did not realise there was a need to lock my bedroom door at night. Now, I know. Now, my head, arms and legs all know - for a story she created in her mind.

The real sad thing is that I have no fucking clue who this Madam Teo is. Who is the lady who raised my mum and taught music lessons at Chung Hwa Middle School?

I'm almost certain there is way more to her than this all-consuming illness, but I'm sorry to say I only know the person I live with as a crazy old woman who has more hostile tendencies than friendly ones.

I guess this is one of the downsides of living with an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic prone to aggressive behaviour.

Listening to: As Much As I Ever Could by City And Colour

A glimmer of hope in a dark, dark world: GOGOGO!

I really believe in these type of movements. This is the kind of stuff I want to do. The reason I want to go to the University of Amsterdam to study Communication Science with a focus on Youth and the Media.

The best thing about Men Can Stop Rape, though, is that they are targeting a problem I hold very near and dear to my heart.

So much so that I wanted to donate some money, but they only take online donations from a limited number of countries. :[ I'll have to think of some other way.

If I could hug them, I would. I would hold the whole goddamn beautiful non-profit organisation in my arms and hug the hell out of it.

Feeling: Destructive
Listening to: Forgive Me by City And Colour

It would be much easier to rip out the motherboard completely in one go than to carefully try to get it out with the tiny little screwdriver I'm holding.

See, I've been known to fall in love. But sometimes love just is not enough.

Is it really possible to destroy someone's life? Can the harsh choices made by a single person be to blame for the vast misfortune of another? Does the responsibility lie in the way the harmer* harmed or the way the harmee** handled it?

* Yes, according to Oxford and Webster, I made this word up.
** I made this one up, too.

Feeling: Uncertain

A message for the people of 2012:

Relax, loosen up, and just let yourself be happy.

Have a fantastic new year, and for your own sake...

Chill the fuck out.

Feeling: Tired
Listening to: All Hands On Deck, Part 2: Open Water by Funeral For A Friend

Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Awake, I am awake,
and I'm still alive out here.
Blinded by this light,
it is all that surrounds me.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Showing teeth, bearing fever, lost in open water
until they find, find us all lost with all the shipwreck.

Deep water, I can smell the blood;
how long, how long before they come?
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control. Am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone to be saved?
Lost in the water all alone, am I too far gone, too far gone to be saved?

Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again,
we lost control.
Waves crashed upon the shore, and time and time again, we lost control.
And I lost control.

Feeling: Pensive
Listening to: When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out by Copeland

It's a multiple-entry quiz competition, and some people have submitted a really large number of responses.

The problem is that they're wrong.

So, despite the huge amount of effort they have put in - regardless of the confidence and hope they clung to - they don't even stand a chance to be part of the lucky draw.

They went into this with all the wrong answers right from the start. They put in everything they could to get their hands on something called a "prize". They wait patiently to learn their fate. But they were never in the running.

This sounds suspiciously symbolic of something profound, or maybe of nothing at all.

I've got to keep moving lest my heart should stop for I will surely die.

Feeling: Fuddled
Listening to: Love Is A Fast Song by Copeland

How strange. The moment your body reacts in a real, physical way, so does mine.

Does anyone ever know what they're doing?

Today's theme is: Defining oneself.

I keep trying to justify my decision, but the reasons that seemed so persuasive not long ago only seem to be hollow and meaningless now.

Too serious, not serious enough. Idealistic, delusional, stupid, childish, complicated, easy, perfect, minute, stupid, inadequate, overwhelming. Selfish. Stupid.

Premature.

I don't know anything. I thought it was growing up, learning, evolving. But I'm beginning to think that doesn't happen. People don't grow up. They don't learn or evolve. They go around in circles, laughing as they slowly die from the inside out.

A joke.

A fucked up joke with no punchline and all the joyless tears in the world.

Things fall apart.

But do they come back together again?

You are so fucking beautiful.

Every breath that I exhale is a sigh. Every breath that I exhale is a sigh of exhaustion.

How sad.

And this is what your life has been reduced to - a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.

How sad when the strings have been removed from the blinds, and all the outlets have been painted over, and the television screen is streaked with blood and smeared from your knuckles as if you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated the strength or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough.

Startled by a knock at the door, you arise for the first time in two days to answer, but you can only greet the visitor with one short statement:

"Hello, my first name is Distance, and I really don't care if I never wake up again."

Hello, my name is Distance, and I really don't care if I never wake up again.

And I really don't care if I never wake up again.

And I really don't care if I never wake up again.

Oh, lord. This is painful. AsdoOsNFOiWMLekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

I cannot watch.

But I have to. :[

Why am I so naïve?

Feeling: Gross
Listening to: Sacrifice by Dreamwalk

Everything is falling apart today. :/

Is that just what things do, or does a change need to be made?

Feeling: Knotted
Listening to: Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I suppose it had been building up, but it still took us by surprise and the children were running away in fear as obscenities in various languages were yelled and strange accusations were made (e.g. It seems I have stolen 1,110 cartons of milk and given them to my friends who live behind the house).

My grandmother reached her breaking point yesterday and it is now back to our old ways of hiding behind locked doors and avoiding eye contact. And listening to her shout angry words back and forth at herself.

We may need to reconsider her medication, or at least figure out some way to calm her down.

I suggested spiking her drinks with some booze. That seems to work in the movies, and movies are like so realistic, okay. :]

Feeling: Eager
Listening to: Do You Know What I'm Seeing? by Panic! At The Disco

In a very particular order:

1. Master of Science in Communication Science at the University of Amsterdam, Netherlands
   
2. Master of Arts in Media Studies at the University of Copenhagen, Denmark
   
3. Master of Science in Communication Science at the University of Helsinki, Finland
   
4. Master of Science in Media & Communication at Uppsala University, Sweden
   
5. Master of Arts in Media & Communication Studies at Stockholm University, Sweden
   
6. Master of Arts in Media & Journalism / Master of Science in Sociology of Culture, Media & Arts at Erasmus University Rotterdam, Netherlands
   

I know it's sad that I never gave a damn about the weather and it never gave a damn about me.