Feeling: Rage

Seriously, what the fuck?!

Since when is posting a picture of a bloody, mangled body hanging out of the window of a beat up car that you just saw by the side of the road on fucking Facebook of all places okay, much less compassionate?

Arrogantly attaching a half-hearted "Condolences to the family" with it just makes it worse, especially when you didn't even have the decency to censor the license plate in any way. You probably don't even know them!

Just be honest with yourself. Go ahead and make a spectacle out of someone else's misfortune because you are a sick son of a bitch, but don't dare to pretend it's because you care about the victim or their family.

These Facebook users who have lost touch with the ways of the world because they're too busy wandering around in cyberspace are kind of really starting to piss me off.

Feeling: Blargh

Thank you, Senior Academic, for answering my desperate and anxious call. Just wish it wasn't with an elongated "NO... Bitch."

Less than half a mark, man. Half a single colourful froot-loopy mark.

My face is going to look like this for a while, complete with two beads of sweat suspensefully waiting by the corner of my left eye: -_-"

"It is not for you to decide what happens here." - Green Zone

I watched Green Zone tonight, and this line was just so powerful, especially in its context. It speaks so much to me. I'm just not exactly sure what it's saying.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Somebody please tell me the result of my appeal already! *Squeals.

Questions to ask yourself:

1. If a black man is racist, is it okay - when it's a white man's racism that made him that way?
   
2. If psychopathy is a natural occurence, and a psychopath causes enough trauma to mentally disturb someone else into psychopathy, who's fault is it?
   
3. If paedophilia is a (let's say) "mutation" of one's sexuality - in that it doesn't happen on purpose, i.e. it's not their fault - why don't paedophiles get sympathy?

Now, the final question: Is placing blame really as important as we make it out to be?

Sometimes, the lines just aren't clear enough. Then, what?

My grandmother has wrinkles on her face and on her hands and in places I can only imagine. She walks rather slowly now, ever since she fell over and broke her hip. They had to put a metal joint-replacer in, and at the end of the operation, the doctors gave us her bone in a pickle jar.

During the first few weeks of the month-long hospital stay, she used to look so tired. And so bored. And so fed up with the trudge of this life that is way too long and cruel.

But I think she's happier now. It took a broken bone to get all of her children to see her, but I think she liked seeing them all getting along and being together again. She eats at the dinner table with us now, and with people I haven't seen in years.

It used to be unheard of because she said the food was poisoned, so she'd lock herself in her room for days at a time. And then she'd carry herself out again and sit at the kitchen table talking to herself for three days straight.

She used to chase me around the house and hit me with sticks when her schizophrenia kicked in and I was her granddaughter, but a thief as well. A thief who would beat her up and kill various cousins and marry bishop's sons. I had to lock my bedroom door and hold the knob still so she couldn't get in and stab me with her keys.

She used to carry a bunch of keys with her all the time. She'd pin them to her clothes and when she walked, you could hear the shuffle of her feet with the subtle jingle of keys.

It got so bad at one point, I had to break the bars off my window to leave the house because I had a flight to catch. My brother helped push me through the window and I walked away satisfied and relieved.

But she has her good days, too, and the paranoia only got really bad in the last five years or so. She used to pick me up from school before she scared herself out of driving by crashing into a parked car.

But that's a tale for another time. I just wish I knew what she's seen behind those tired eyes.

I sound so pissed off in my last two posts. Hahahaha.

That's probably because I was. :]

Once upon a time, I asked you to read this post on 'rape culture' by Melissa McEwan. But I think a lot of you didn't quite know what she meant.

I stumbled across this phrase yesterday and I believe it explains her thoughts (or my interpretation of her thoughts) quite nicely:

We live in a society that teaches "Don't get raped" instead of "Don't rape".

This is problematic because rape shouldn't be considered a naturally-occuring phenomenon that we have to accept, that there is no stopping; we shouldn't have to worry about where we walk and how and when and with whom; nobody should live in constant fear of what pervert may be lurking around the corner.

You may be thinking, "But girls should learn to not wear such short skirts and cleavagey tops and walk alone at night." No. Rapists should learn that no means no, and that nothing anyone can ever do is an invitation to rape them.

Pick up this goddamn mess and deal with the fucking problem.

Listening to: We Looked Like Giants by Death Cab For Cutie

Why are people such selfish little pricks incapable of seeing the larger consequences of their actions?

I don't understand anymore!

Feeling: Impatient
Listening to: The chug of the printing presses

Dear Miss Coventry,

I can confirm that we have received the decision of the Senior Academic in relation to your appeal and that we are due to send you a letter to confirm what the decision was. Unfortunately, I cannot give an indication of when you will be sent the letter other than it will be as soon as possible.

Why are they being so secretive? Why won't they tell me? I need to knowwwwww.

*Gasps.

Lunch time.

Listening to: Blackbirds by Erin McKeown

Loving a robot. A beautiful robot.

You've got me choking back tears while you try to oil your rusty parts.

Feeling: Sick

When something tragic happens to a friend, a relative, or even just an acquaintance, why do some people think that a Facebook wall post is an adequate way of expressing their supposed compassion? Because it sure seems like these kind of posts offering condolences only exist for show - as if you win a prize for being the first person to post and being the first to tell the story to stalker-friendly Facebook.

The thing is, an equally, if not more, meaningful message could have been conveyed privately (that is what the inbox is for, you know), and then you wouldn't have to worry about what other wall-passers may think (which I'm sure is a huge influence on how our wall posts turn out). Plus, I'm pretty sure if the affected wanted everyone on the internet to know about the vulnerable state s/he is currently in, s/he would have posted it on Facebook themselves.

If you really want to let a loved one know you are sorry about their loss, why don't you take the god damn time out of your freakishly busy life to write them an intimate, personal message that shows you really care?

A wall post on Facebook is just too convenient.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Boa by Pegasus Bridge

I guess I've been rather busy since I arrived in Brunei, but it's been nice, for the most part.

1. I basically lived at the hospital for a month because my infamous grandmother fell over and broke her hip (she finally came home).
   
2. She's been officially diagnosed with schizophrenia and is now mostly immobile but still kinda loopy (she called my aunt a hornbill last night, it was really funny but I think you had to be there).
   
3. I had a job interview with QAF Holdings which progressed into a second job interview with Brunei Press (after which they hired me, of course).
   
4. And also spent two nights at Merarap Hot Springs (we had to take the coach back to Brunei from Lawas because the ferry wasn't working!).
   
5. Was forced to roam the untamed Bruneian jungle against my will for a total of about 12 hours (including in the rain, while lost, and in pain).
   
6. Babysat, babysat, babysat and babysat my naughty but too cute nieces (this can be really tiring and at times, frustrating).
   
7. Been called "Mummy", "Mum", "Kakak", and "Daddy" many times by little Tameera, but never "Aunty Sue" (she's so confused, I love it).
   
8. Went to my first day of work which I was extremely nervous about (I'm going to finish my second week today).
   
9. Until then, I helped my mum with her businessy things.
   
10. Made many attempts to take my nieces to the morning dentist (with success on the third try).
    
11. Watched my estranged family come together again in a beautiful way I didn't imagine could happen.
    
12. Ate lots of yummy food, and visited a decent but not extravagant number of houses for Aidilfitri (I made $10).
    
13. Tried desperately to close my HSBC account in the UK (it's really complicated and annoying, but they finally closed it on the 26th of August).
    
14. Had amazing, eye-opening conversations with people I love.

On top of that, my cousin is getting married today. I didn't make it to the wedding ceremony (because, you know, I'm a working lady now and stuff), but there's lunch and reception to look forward to. Plus the tea ceremony (Newlyweds are meant to give unmarried younger-thans red packets, so I better practice my tea-carrying skills).

I've still got lots to do though (GRE, university applications, fee-paying, license-taking, among others). So, although I can't guarantee a massive flow of steady updates, you know I always try. :]

Feeling: Queasy
Listening to: Yoko by Pegasus Bridge

I am sad. I just found out Pegasus Bridge is breaking up, and I only discovered them last November, and their music is pretty, and this is just the poop on top of the big pile of crap the world appears to have turned into.

Is there no more hope left in the black abyss called life? Because this is looking suspiciously like the beginning of the apocalypse, and I'm not one to believe in such things, but I just don't see any good coming out of anything happening right now.

WHAT THE HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?

:/

This is not good. Not good at all.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Feeling: Anxious

I'm hand-delivering the Verification and Appeal form to Registry tomorrow, and I'm suddenly very nervous about it.

I hope this works. D:

Days remaining (a): 1
Days remaining (b): 14

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

Feeling: Energised

You know what's messed up? Getting a 2:1 with 69.32. 0.18 marks off a rounded up First.

You know what else is messed up? Getting at least 2 points lower than you should get in a module because of lazy exchange programme conversions, especially when those 2 points would give you that 0.18 you're missing.

You know what else is messed up? I only have until Wednesday, but I am going to fight for this.

It matters, okay...?

Now, I have to go finish completing these Verification and Appeal forms, and hope to high heaven they find my argument persuasive (It is pretty darn persuasive).

And in case you're wondering, I am 21 years old now. I don't want to talk about it.

Days remaining (a): 4
Days remaining (b): 5
Days remaining (c): 17

(a) Cardiff University School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies Graduation
(b) Submit Verification and Appeal form
(c) Journey to Brunei Darussalam, the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasures

I have many questions, but lately, I haven't been expressing them publicly because these are the kind of thoughts that will make people frown at you in disgust. They have a lot to do with horrible things happening that many of us desperately want to get rid of and the ineffective way in which they are being dealt with today, because it seems that rather than fixing all of these many, many fuck-ups, we deal with them after the fact. But why don't we prevent these things from occurring before there is even a need to cure it? It is completely possible.

So, I think it's time I invite others to ask these questions as well. And I think thinking is an important part of growing up and knowing yourself and being the best kind of human being you can be. And any society that limits the kind of thinking you can do is bound to be problematic.

Do you want to be the closest-to-perfection-possible version of yourself? Or are you too afraid to merely imagine it for fear of failure and being left with only hope?

Doesn't the world just make you so darn angry sometimes? Why the hell don't we do anything about it?

Feeling: Cranky

I have a coach to catch in about 5 hours, which means I have to start walking in 4 hours, which means I need to eat and shower in 3 hours, which means I have less than 2 hours to pack my bag if I want to sneak in an hour of sleep.

Yet somehow, in spite of my lack of time, I have decided to use some of it to come say hi to my adoring fans - because I love you guys so, so, so, so much!

Just kidding. I don't have fans, much less ones that adore me. I'm only here because packing is kind of boring and I'm getting sleepy. *Yawns.

Just kidding. Of course I have fans, and if they were to have any kind of emotion towards me, it would definitely be adoration! And picking appropriate items for travel and putting them in a carry-able bag is fun!

Just kidding.

But maybe I'm not.

Who really knows anymore? I'm just so darn mysterious. WooOoooOOo~

Feeling: Itchy
Listening to: Grey Matter by Finch

Man. I want to write an amazing entry that will justify why I have disappeared for two whole months without a word, but there really isn't anything amazing about it. I had lots of school work to do, and I was focussing on that. And you know what happens when I concentrate on doing what I'm supposed to - I mess up my sleeping schedule more times than I can keep track of, randomly decide 4 o'clock in the morning is a great time to cut off 2 inches of my hair, spontaneously buy tickets to Philadelphia for a few days later (I loved this decision, and my last day there was amazing ♥), and just general going-crazy-ness.

But that's over now. It's been over for 11 days, and now, I guess I am free of the responsibilities of a Cardiff University student (except for graduation which is in 42 days!). I can mess up my sleeping schedule all I like and buy more last minute tickets - without having to think about essays and studying and assignments! Excellent!

I will miss my Horror, Fantasy and the Media class though. *Wipes tear.

P.S. Did you notice I published some old drafts? ;] Have fun finding them.
P.P.S. Hint: They were written in March.

Feeling: Hungry

Just got back from a spontaneous and half-price plus free EP Glassjaw and Napalm Death concert. My ears are still ringing. It was good. Daryl Palumbo has such stage presence.

I apparently don't learn from my mistakes because for the whole show, I was holding in my need to urinate (A similar occurrence happened at the Anberlin concert). I even had to reject the water they gave out at intermission despite my thirst for fear my bladder would burst.

I think I shall listen to Glassjaw for the rest of the week.

Days remaining (a): 11
Days remaining (b): 11
Days remaining (c): 15

(a) Spanish Language 'B' oral exam
(b) Spanish Language 'B' listening exam
(c) Submit 3,000 word Spin Unspun porftolio