Feeling: Relaxed
Listening to: Brena by A Perfect Circle

Howdy. I never thought A Perfect Circle music could grow on me, but it did. I'm starting to like slow songs like these, it's relaxing. And I find it kind of dark for some reason. Yeah, dark and lazy.

For once since the holidays have started, I feel like I've accomplished something. Hahaha. Not counting me being finished with writing the notes for Right Here Waiting though, because that was yesterday's accomplishment. Today, I was listening to the Taking Back Sunday CD I burned, when I had a craving for art. At first, I wanted to paint something, but I don't know where my sister hid my paint and brushes, so that idea went away as fast as it came. Then, I was lying on my bed, thinking, and I saw my charcoal pencil. I'd only drawn one picture with charcoal, so I thought, why not. I took the pencil in my hands and this formed on the paper:

Click on it if for some reason your eyesight is that bad and you need a closer look.

So that's my biggest achievement so far for the holidays. Notice there's a new look to the online journal(I refuse to call it a 'blog' now, just because)? It's one of the members of A Perfect Circle, I got sick of staring at apologise with two p's. I always make at least ONE mistake with my layouts though, because God knows I'm imperfect. I've cut off the words at the side, again, as in the previous layout. So, if you can't guess what it says, the top sentence on the right is "A Perfect Circle." and the last one on the right says "You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one." I was listening to APC's version of Imagine, and voila! Inspiration! The song's great, by the way. When I listen to it, I can just imagine the video for it. I mean, I get all these ideas flashing through my mind. Like of zombie like ladies walking to a beat, only these 'zombies' are like puppets. Ahh, the life of a wannabe director.

I'm hungry, I'm going out for dinner and I can't breath properly, so I better get my ass off this computer ASAP.

Feeling: Destructive
Listening to: Summer Stars by Taking Back Sunday

Today, I write to you after saying "I hate you" to the computer. Yeah, I talk to appliances that annoy me. And the computer keeps pissing me off when the IE gets frozen. It is so lame.

So, later today, at 1300 hours, my brother and sisters(I'll be calling them the siblings) will be taking their flight to New Zealand and leaving me to rot here in Brunei all alone, also making it seem as if I'm an only child.

It's my mum's birthday already and yesterday was my uncle's. We got to eat at Fratini's, Yayasan. There was A LOT of food. And I wasn't my usual self, because if I was, I'd have eaten more than I had. I didn't even order dessert, which I always do. And right now, I'm craving for two things: Prince and Vodka.

Only one of the two things craved are available to me now, that is, Vodka. So, I think I'll fulfill my need and get a glass. Morning, earthlings. But before I go, I'll leave you with some lyrics.

Summer Stars by Taking Back Sunday

Do you remember the time when you and I were fine?
Hiding under the apple tree; there was no one but you and me.
We would hide from passing cars and we would have the summer stars.

And we were better then than we'd ever been before.
You came back to me after walking out my door,
You would call me on the phone before you even got home.
Without me, you said you were all alone.

The cold wind that blows all the things I used to know;
How could it play so fast? Never thought you'd be part of my past.
Would I trade it all again to get you out of my head?

'Cause we were better then than we'd ever been before.
You came back to me after walking out my door,
You would call me on the phone before you even got home.
Without me, you said you were all alone.
Alone.
Without me by your side,
You said you were all alone.
Give me one more chance
to prove myself to you.
All the little things that I long to do.
...(when you run away)
Would you trade the course,
...(you said that you'd be)
So that I could hold you?
...(coming out my front porch)
Would it all go away?
...(just to see me)
And my heart is breaking.
Would you hear me, baby?
As the tears are longing
for what it used to be

Feeling: Goofy
Listening to: Downslide by From Autumn To Ashes

Dear Reader,

Oh my fucking God. I feel all weird. I can't stop smiling, I feel like laughing all the time and I need to jump. I feel carefree. It's as if I'm rid of all those bad feelings I had all the time and you know what? I like it. I like this feeling. It's cool. I feel young. HAHAHA. It's like no matter what people do, it won't make me feel bad, it won't aggravate me. Despite the fact that earlier today, I was feeling annoyingly indescribable. Meaning, I wasn't sure how I was feeling. But now, once again, in this short life, I feel... INVINCIBLE!
in·vin·ci·ble adjective
• Incapable of being overcome or defeated; unconquerable.
Yup. That's me. :)

Today started with me waking up at 6:48 because of an upset stomach. At first, I just woke up because my sister and her boyfriend kept talking then I realized my tummy was urging me to go to the bathroom. So I did. It was torture. I couldn't stay there long cause the pain would get worse, so I did what I could and quickly went back to sleep so the pain would go away. Hahaha. Sorry I had to bring you through this traumatic experience, but that's what happens when you spend your time reading about me.

After that disturbance, I woke up again at 12:03. It was late, early, depends how you look at it. I thought "what the heck, it's the holidays" so I went back to sleep and woke up again at 2. :) Let me tell you, it feels great to know you can sleep how long you like and not feel guilty for doing so. What can I say? It's the holidays. There's no such thing as 'time' anymore. I'm living in the timeless stages of life. ;) It's great here. Let me know when you've reached the 'x' on the landing pad where the let people off.

I went out with Prince again last night. We 'hung out' with his friends, the one I met when we went to the perayaan. They didn't put their hair up in liberty spikes this time. Hehe. Before they did anything at the Mall, they went to the bathroom. Somehow, we formed a circle and Prince's friend was pointing out we've all got Converse Chuck Taylors on. That was funny. They went into every shop, and they were quite amusing. They're kind of loaded with money, so it's no wonder they can afford all their studs and et cetera. After the Mall, we went to the stadium. And that's were it got a little more entertaining. I saw Jacky there. But enough of that, I'm not really the one to say anything about last night.

I need a camera. A digital one. And band tees. Yup, band tees.

Do you believe in super human capabilities? I don't. Well, not really anyway. I had a, now, very frightening dream last night. But not one of those that makes me wake up screaming. I dreamt I was taking my exams all over again, and I didn't study for the exams so I didn't know how to do the papers. So, what do you think of it?

I think I've just run out of things to say. I started this post at 10:41PM and now it's 11:47PM. Haha. I take forever to write. Well, I'll go now. I've got better things to do than ruin my eyesight by sitting too close to the screen. Good night.

Yours for one night only,
Vodka-

Feeling: Incomplete
Listening to: Falling For You by Student Rick

Well, it's been a while since I last 'spoke' to you. And since then, my exams are finally over. Now I'm stuck with 1 month of doing nothing before I go off to New Zealand on the 4th of December. I went to the Yacht club at Serasa Beach with Farianne, Olivia, my brother, sister, her boyfriend, his brother and my mum. It was actually really fun, despite the fact that when I got home I literally collapsed on the bed, exhausted. We got to go kayaking, which was cool. So you know what that means... I've kayaked! Yeah, and I got turned into a prawn queen by Farianne, Livia and two little girls. I've got a picture in the camera, but even I didn't get to see what I looked like. Haha. One of the little girls' friends got peed on by a dog, by the way, so that wasn't a good thing. I couldn't help but keep a little giggle at the back of my mind to that.

I'm picking my brain at this poem I'm trying to write. I'll let you know about it when I'm finished. I spent the whole day catching up on the movies I missed out on due to my exams. I watched Baby Geniuses 2, Scooby Doo 2, The Girl Next Door and The Terminal. And out of the 4 movies, The Terminal was the best. Baby Geniuses and Scooby Doo, to me, was lame and pointless. I didn't like it, and basically, I just didn't like the whole story the movie projected. The Girl Next Door was alright. Was a little ameteur though, if you ask me.

Other than that, today was a total bum/slob/slack day for me. Real cool. But really worthless. Then again, it might have been a good thing to sit around at home and watch movies all day.

The highlight - it's nearly halloween! Yet, it's still not a highlight. I've really got to find something to do with my time. I don't think I'll be able to work, but if I am, that'll be great. Otherwise, I'll drown myself in anything. Just anything to do, to stop me from suffocating from the endless days of boredom. God bless my soul. Oh wait, I've got one thing to do every single day, until the 27th - to wait for my results. Yup, it's strange, isn't it? How one small moment can either make your life build up higher or crumble to dust, along with your dreams, to your feet.

Feeling: Hyper
Listening to: Save The Day by The Living End

Hello, and welcome to another entry of my boring day. :) I feel all 'punked' up right now. That's such a cool word. I'm going to stick with it. So, since I'm all 'punked' up, I'm listening to 'punk' up music. Yup, I'm finally passed that all-emo-music stage. Feels great, but you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Awesome.

I've a continuation of my Second Trial Examination results, if you were even interested:

English, paper II - 87.5% (A1)
B Melayu, paper I - 60.5% (C6)
B Melayu, paper II - 51.5% (E8)
Chinese - 70%

Speaking of exams, you won't be seeing a lot of me online these next few days, at least until the 21st. The PMB examination has finally arrived, you see. And you know how studious I can get(secretly, I'm laughing my ass off as I type this) when exams are approaching.

I had a lot more to say before I started typing, and now I think I've been robbed of my words.

Now, I remember. I had my B Melayu, paper I & II exams yesterday, I mean, on Monday. It was alright. At least, I'm praying my results are satisfying enough to bring me up to form 4. Geography wasn't so bad as I figured out soon after recieving my paper that a lot of the questions were exactly the same as what was given to us for revision. That was major coolio. Haha. That sounds funny. :)

Yesterday, which was Tuesday, I sat for my English, paper I & II exams. Those went by smoothly. The students taking the Art II exam had to stay until 4 for their exam, and among these students was my good friend, Jasmine. Of course, Farianne and I were laughing and teasing her about the fact that we could go home at 12. Yeah, nice friends we are, right?

My sister has the 'Chicken Soup for the College Soul' book in the bathroom. Forgive me for mentioning this, but whenever I sit down to do my business, I pick it up and start reading. This makes me start thinking about university and stuff. That's a little messed up, seeing as I've only just started my PMB exams. Oh well.

Is there any one thing/person that always seems to make you sad, that you even go as to avoid any way of interacting with this thing/person? And yet, out of curiousity, you want to interact... Well, I have this problem with a website. Hahaha. Stupid, I know. But a certain website always seems to make me upset, for some reason. It's a blog, and maybe it's the way the person blogs, or the things he/she blogs about, but it just upsets me. Hahaha. Go on, point and laugh.

I've got to go now, before my fingers start to type in the address to the website and before I know it, I'll be clicking 'enter' and staring at that cursed website. Nooooo! (I vanished with a poof of smoke, if you didn't notice.)

Until next time, see you.

Feeling: Happy
Listening to: Konstantine by Something Corporate

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I've an announcement. I'm getting bored and I don't see the point of this blog other than for my own amusement. So that's why I've decided to keep it up. :) Because it amuses me to type and tell the world about my God awful day. The wonders of the internet.

I've gotten most of my Second Trial Exam results back. And I think I did pretty good. Considering this is 60% of my report card result. I don't feel like telling you about my First Trial, so you can just forget about that. Get in the moment, it's the time for Second Trial. First Trial is so passe. Hahaha. Anyway, here's the lineup of what I got, according to results(yes, I'm in that much of a good mood to arrange it for you. How nice of me.):


Commercial studies - 85% (A1)
Geography - 84% (A2)
Intergrated Science - 81% (A2)
History - 81% (A2)
Computer studies - 66.5% (B4)
Mathematics, paper I - 66% (B4)
English, paper II - 72.22% (B3)

You notice how my English kind of sucks? :) Yeah, that's the only thing I didn't work on and that has dropped. Just wait till I get my paper I back, I just have this haunting feeling that I did so fucking bad in it(I wasted my time thinking of what to write about. I had a story, wrote it out then decided it was a bad idea. So I scribbled it all out and started a story that has very little common sense, about a girl who wanted to be a ballerina. She joined a competition and lost, so she fell into a deep depression and nearly died because of an overdose. In the end, she's thankful for the nurse in the hospital who helped her realize failure doesn't mean you have to stop, it just means you should try harder. So she dances again and in the end, she's a famous ballerina. Lame, I told you. It's a bit extreme, the way she wanted to take her life because she lost a competition. But I was running out of ideas!). Those alphanumeric things in brackets behind the percentage are what it would be in PMB. I'm not even sure if 66% is B4, but I just felt like looking like I'm that smart.

I went to Commercial studies extra class, which I only went to because Ah Yang said he'd teach me maths(he got 91% for paper I), which he didn't, with Jasmine this morning. And a funny thing happened. After class, we were walking to the canteen and a little boy, whome neither of us have seen before, hit Jasmine's arm, she turned to look at him and said "yes?". The boy smiled and whispered "sexy". Then he ran away, probably shocked as much as we were. Jasmine and I stared at each other for a while, then I started laughing. The weird things children do.

That incident reminded me of that time I was walking with Farianne and a little boy, again, whom neither of us had seen before, ran in front of us. He looked at us and screamed, then ran away. Like I said, the weird things children do.

I'm happy today, which is really cool. I managed to study my Form 1 history today, which is so awesome. I have that smug feeling you get when you're satisfied. Memories keep flashing across my mind. And for once, they're not sad memories, they're memories that make me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. I just love that feeling. It's nice, don't you think?

I was at the dinner table with my brother and sister, and we were laughing about this embarassing thing my brother did, which he'd probably kill me for if I typed it out here, so I won't. Here's the conversation between my brother and sister:

SISTER: Why are you laughing? You're supposed to be embarrassed.
BROTHER: Where?
SISTER: You're supposed to be embarrassed.
BROTHER: Huh?
SISTER: Embarrassed.
BROTHER: What's that?
(My sister and I look at each other and start laughing.)
ME: Embarassed.
BROTHER: I thought she said "in Paris".

Then we all started laughing after that. It's not that funny when I read what I just typed, I think it was one of those 'you have to be there to get why it's funny' kind of things. Anyway, it made me laugh, that's all I care about.

It's getting kind of late and I have to wake up tomorrow. I've got nothing left to do. Sure, I feel like I've got lots more to type, but my fingers don't move that fast so it's gonna have to wait. I forgot to appologize in the first paragraph for my absense in the blog. :) You know how much I hate blogs.

Oh yeah, my brother's PSR is on Monday, and I don't think he's ready. I trust he'll do his best though. Despite his tendancy to be careless, try to be the first to finish the paper, write in, what seems like, Jawi handwriting and to take up too much space for the working in Maths. Good luck to him. 11 more days till PMB and I've got lots more information to get into my puny head. Wish me luck. I might have to cram in the end. I think... I'm going to bed.

Feeling: Itchy
Listening to: Boys Don't Cry by The Cure

I'm being a complete ass. I've been slacking in my work. I keep promising myself I'd study since the exams start on Monday and I've only been doing Geography and Science. Most of all this studying is just trying to make up for time wasted but I always find a reason not to study. Lame.

Before I typed all that out, I had a great insight on what I was going to type about but now I've lost it. It's gone. :(

But wait! I've got something:

Angelic Reject
With your wings burnt
And your halo melted,
You lie tattered on the ground.
Rejected
And thrown out of heaven,
Your soul shattered without a sound.

The ash around you,
All from your flight,
They leave traces in the sand.
Traces of love and freedom,
Of purity and hope,
Of more innocence than I'd understand.

With your fingers broken
And your ankles crushed,
I reach out to touch your face.
It hurts already
Before I get close
To see you run with quickened pace.

Into the darkness,
Into the night
You run without looking back.
And when you stop,
You feel the pain
Of your bones about to crack.

The last thing you hear
In your ringing ears
Is the sound of babies crying.
And the last you see
With your blackened eyes
Is the vision of angels dying.

You look up
At the thundered sky
And realize you're all alone.
Every one left you,
Your fallen soul,
Your blood, flesh and bone.

That was something written on a tiny piece of paper kept in my pencil case. It's this poem that completes itself when words come to my mind. I think it's finished now, don't you?

You know what, I'm hungry. But I don't want to eat. There's nothing to eat anyway, but it's not like you care. I'm off. It's getting late. I need to study. HA. HA. HA. HA.

Feeling: Content
Listening to: Sidewalks by Story Of The Year

So I went to watch that firework display they had last night at around 9:15PM. It was actually really good. My sister said it was the first fireworks from the river in brunei? Something like that. Yeah, it was pretty cool. The designs were good and shit. I went with Prince and he just loves fireworks. So he was like a kid in a candy shop. He really made me wonder how they make fireworks, you know? How they make the designs and stuff. Mysterious.

After the fireworks, we had nothing to do so we went by the stadium and it was there that we saw the car accident. Well, the car that got in the accident. It was all bashed up, I tell you. 3 quarters of the back of the car was torn away and smashed up. It was a bad accident, I don't think anyone got hurt though. There was a big crowd though, and police men. Obviously, we had no business there at the stadium so I went home. On the way home, Prince saw his friends so he went and chatted with them. They were being really stupid. :) That entertained me for the moment. Oh yea, and the background sound of those Thai people singing and playing guitar was funny.

I'm chatting with Leech now. But of course, we're not saying anything. Just random messages of ":)". Hahaha. It's really funny, but he's leech now. That's not Strawberry I'm chatting with. It's good enough for me though. His display name's "Creamed" so I'm just picturing creamed leech. You know, like soup? Yeah. Interesting.

I woke up at 4:45AM after going to sleep at 1:10AM and I wonder what I'm still doing awake. I thought I'd try to enlight myself by blogging the blog. It seems to be working slightly, but working nonetheless. I like that word - nonetheless. It's cool. Cause I said so.

Yeah, okay. The blogging has lost its ability to entertain. I've nothing left to write about, I think. So I'll see you later, homosapiens. Keamanan keluar. (That's "peace out" in Malay, if I didn't get it wrong)

Feeling: Sleepy
Listening to: Metropolis by Dream Theatre

Today, the 9th of September 2004, the newly wed 30 year-old crowned prince (I honestly don't know his name. HAHA) and his 17 year-old bride took a parade around BSB as a couple. At least, that's what I think it was. I mean, they were already married before today, right? Yeah. Well, as the government just loves to torture young, innocent souls, us students were asked to wave flags along the roads that they paraded. CHMS students included. I actually went. Wow.

It was really hot at first, with the sun being as scorching as it is. So Farianne, Jasmine and I stayed under the shade. Our post was at the Lapau, by the way. I think that's where we were. I'm not good with places. But anyway, we grouped up with Yi Shien, that girl, Olivia, Siow Mei and Lizzie and played games. You know how immature we are, so this isn't surprising. And plus, we were super bored. We ended up continuously walking to and from the, what we called it, "Pasar Pagi". Saw some of the First Aiders I know. They remember me. Cool.

And then, I suppose the wind from the helicopter brought all the rainclouds to where it was going, so it started raining. Just drizzling first, as it usually does before it rains heavily, and then really heavy. So the guys were in uncensored paradise as the girls were all wet and see through from the rain. Hahaha. It was fun though. Running around in the rain. Sheer fun. I couldn't help notice Kelvin playing in the rain, right after he told me I'm going to get sick if I stay in the rain.

So that was that. I met Teddy yesterday too for the, what? Second time. And got an ass-kicking mother in my face after that. He gave me the Good Charlotte poster I'd asked for. :) Thank you again, for keeping your promise. I was away for half an hour. No wonder she was "mad". If mad can even be used for the amount of steam coming out of her head. It just makes me feel so caged up. The way I'm not allowed to have fun anymore. Oh well. PMB's in 34 days. The death day. So soon. Too soon.

I'm sleepy. I really am. I guess it's from all that walking around. Which reminds me! I saw Fatin today. It must have been ages since Far, Jas and Livia saw her cause they were screaming her name and waving like lunatics. We had a short conversation and it turns out Rashid, an ex-classmate, now apparently her schoolmate, has a girlfriend. Yeah, his girlfriend is a guy though. Cool. :) How un-prejudicelike. And Sakinah, though I've known since last year, she's getting married. They're still in Form 1 though, but whatever. So yeah, Fatin was telling them that she always sees me everywhere. And she asked me "Was that your boyfriend? The guy I saw you with last time?" She was talking about Prince and that made me ask myself the same question. I care though. Really, I do. I care. I'll leave it at that. Good night.

Feeling: Hungry
Listening to: Living In The Shadows by Billy Talent

1:35PM:
I'm about to pass out due to hunger. And why I don't want to eat? I'll get to that. Popo, my grandmother, just walked through the door. Wow, it's been ages since the last time I'd seen her come home. Or is this not her home anymore? Seeing her reminds me of the time when I used to be so scared of her. But really, she was just so scary. Not that she isn't now, but I'm not as scared of her anymore. I thought she was really... evil. She never liked Europeans since what happened between my parents, so it was really funny when uncle Robin came over for a visit from New Zealand and she just kept screaming at him. HAHA. I was laughing my ass off. But that's not the point. Whenever she'd get angry at me she'd say "Of course, you're the devil's daughter." The devil was my dad though, to her. Yup, so you'd hear her ask me "Where's the devil?" I never liked it. It felt as if she was mocking me.

I used to be so scared of her. When I was very much younger, and she stayed at this house, she would always make me and my brother sleep in the afternoon but I never wanted to. I thought I didn't need to and that my young days were meant for laughter and play. And awake-ness. So I'd go in my room and play with my brother. Then whenever Popo would open the door to check on us, we'd stop whatever we were doing and just drop down on the floor with our eyes closed and pretend we were sleeping. Of course, I don't know why I somehow thought that she wouldn't know we were really awake. But she always did.

She locked me in the kitchen once, because I didn't want to go to sleep and so I curled up in a ball and went to sleep by the kitchen table. Haha. And when she opened the door, I jumped straight up, pretending I wasn't doing anything.

My brother always has to have is say of words with everyone though, including her. His words got him locked up outside once too. We have this gate around the front door, so it's sort of like a cage. Yeah, he was locked out over there. I always pitied him for his stupidity and need to have the last word.

There are a lot of other incidents though, we were never allowed to play outside so we had to stay indoors all the time. I hated it. But I didn't object, I found my own entertainment in playing Barbie dolls with my brother. :) Yeah, I have a gay-ass brother who plays with Barbie dolls. We still tease him about it. This might be why I feel the constant need to be free. To not be caged up cause that'd already happened in my younger days.

So that's why I was so scared of her, why I feared even the smell of her. I'd be so frightened, I'd stop whatever I was doing, whether it was talking or playing, and just freeze whenever she was in the room. We'd eat meals in silence. I used to ask my sister "Why can't she just be like those grandmothers on TV? The kind that make cookies and give you hugs and kisses?" I wonder what it'd be like if that did happen. It would have been very different, that's all I know. My sister always wished that Popo would just go to sleep and never wake up. Then she would complain that that wouldn't happen in a long time because she's a strong woman, she is. Wrinkles and all, she's a God damned survivor!

Popo's in the kitchen now, doing God knows what. I can hear the crinkling of plastic bags. And so now you know why I don't want to eat. I don't want to go in the kitchen. I'm a sissy. :) Come save me? Get me some food and I'll give you a hug. I'll just wait until I pass out then. Or until she leaves the kitchen. Haha. You know the story of my life now, the trapped-up, caged-in childhood. And how I died of starvation on the 4th of September. Check the obituaries in the Borneo Bulletin tomorrow. You'll see printed in big block letters: "OUR CONDOLENCES TO THE FAMILY OF SUE-ANNE COVENTRY, WHO PASSED AWAY SILENTLY YESTERDAY AS SHE TRIED TO SURVIVE THE NEED TO EAT. SHE LEFT US AT 1:58PM, SATURDAY MORNING. WE WON'T MISS HER, BUT I JUST THOUGHT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THEY CAN START PLANNING THE PARTIES."

It's Something Unforgivable

Feeling: Sick
Listening to: This Photograph Is Proof (I Know You Know) by Taking Back Sunday

I had the sudden urge to write something in class. Yes, I know, I'm supposed to be learning in class, but what can you do when the little pixies come up to you and whisper in your ear words of inspiration. :) You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Of course you don't. But here it is:

Girl Held On Strings

No one would have known
That this girl was held on strings,
That she lived life like a puppet
With no need of earthly things.
Everyone would stare
But they'd never know what was wrong.
This girl, the puppet,
Had felt caged for far too long.
And when the wind did blow
She would so gently sway.
And the air would guide her up
But planted she would stay.
She envied every single bird
For freely they would fly
Into the clouds and heavens
And the endless star-filled sky.
Then one day as dawn broke,
Who would have so cleverly guessed?
This girl, she disappeared
And her soul, it went to rest.
She'd closed her eyes one final time
And let go of all she held.
This girl kept on strings
Wasn't heard when she yelled and yelled.
Covering her face,
She cried of things she'd never tell.
She felt the strings break,
And down, down she fell.

I think it's out of place, but whatever. If that's what the pixies told me to write... :) You think I'm insane. Which brings me to the next topic - I was looking through my old notes from earlier this year and I came across an unfinished poem:

They name us with labels, labels because we're different. Because we don't live on lies, because we're not like them. Because we'll never be, they kick us aside, shove us in the dirt until we're blinded by the mud pushed in our face. Because we dare to accept who we are, because we share the innocence they used to have. ...For now it's gone.

I actually finished writing this entry out ages ago, but blogspot was being sucky so it didn't record it and now I have to type it all out again. Fuck.

Yesterday night, okay, Thursday night was Charity Night. Which meant CHMS students would try to perform for charity, which you had to pay to see, in front of lots of other people. I honestly don't know why they would want to embarrass themselves so much. But they said it was good. They said it was a nice performance, but there was someone who said the most boring performance was the piano-playing senario because she just didn't know how to appreciate it. Tell that to Beethoven. She said Fakhrul's performance was the best though, so good for him. He sang This Love by Maroon 5 with Ali and them playing the band.

I have a new layout, if you haven't noticed. It features what's-his-name of Taking Back Sunday. And since he's screaming into a mic, I wonder if you people know what he does... I kind of fucked up the words though since it's not very good graphically because I had to make it in JPG format, I needed to save space, so now it's all shitty! The words on the right got cut off, so if you can't read it, it says: "I'll do what I got to do, the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath, I'd appologise for bleeding out your shirt." I love that line. It's from You're So Last Summer. I was having a debate whether to spell appologise with an 's' or 'z'. You can see what I chose.

You might be hearing some music here soon. But I don't know if I should let you go through the torture of having to listen to my music. :) It isn't really torture, but my sister thinks so. Hahaha. Well, if I do decide to finally get my ass around to putting up music on a server, I'll let it play here for your sick, little minds to endure. I swear, you'll be seeing those millions of pixies soon, and they'll be whispering in your ears. But as for now, I notice you're all jealous they're talking to me and not you. :D

At last, someone envies me. I love you.

8 Months.

Feeling: Worried
Listening to: Distress In The Control Tower by Anatomy For A Ghost

Dear you,
It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been busy shitting myself and figuring out a way to fuck myself. :) No, seriously, I've just gone through my First Trial Examinations. The results are far beyong shit-fuckingly shitty, but whatever. My marks have dropped a LOT, but you don't care. What's that? You'd like to know what my results are? If you insist...

You'll have to wait until next time though. I don't want to expose my dreadful self just yet. Besides, I haven't gotten my Computer paper back yet, which might I add, I messed up very well. I repeated an old mistake I used to do and redo. I got microcomputers, mixed up with minicomputers. But dude, I'm not that mistaken, who would remember MINI is bigger than MICRO?! Pfft.

And to think I'm going to have to go through another set of exams much like this, maybe even more shocking than the first, but yeah, I'm going to have to go through my Second Trial Examinations in less than 20 days. Lord, save my soul.

But wait. All this is in preparation for the big PMB exam. Again with the exams! I hate them! Enough! Seems this year is out to hunt me down, put a stake through my ass, burn me as alive as I'd be after having that stake up my ass, and then feed my burnt remains to the devil. In this sense though, the devil is the PMB. At least, that's what I'm calling it for now.

I think there's the tiniest bit of jealousy tingling inside me. But for what, I'm not telling. I won't let it out though. I won't let the jealousy break free of the thin glass bottle I hold so clumbsily in my hands. It'll just bounce across these four walls around me and knock out everything in its path.

I hate blogs. Have I told you how much I hate blogs? Especially Bruneian ones. I don't know why, but they seem to arouse more hatred than those by people in other countries. How sad. Haha. Don't worry though. I'll get over this hatred I have for the things I own.

I have reasons as to why I hate blogs so much, though. I think one of them is because I don't understand what the fuck they're supposed to be about? About your daily routines, your most kept feelings, or is it whatever the hell you want it to be? So I don't know what to type here. Writing about what I did all day will bore the shit out of you. But that'd be fun... Wouldn't it? Yeah, I think I'll start to do that then. Knowing how much I love to copy people, plagiurize and steal other people's identity. I'll do that. But not just yet, not today. Today is for my ramblings of what I love, what I hate and so forth.

I feel like making a list of the people I love. So I'll do that and no one can stop me. HAHAHA. Bite my ass, I'll smile at you then let out the laugh that killed Elvis Presley. You did know he died because of someone's laugh, right? Of course you didn't. I'm talking bullcrap, darling. And if you believed me, you're going on my list of people I love.

I need a new layout, don't I? I bet you've been staring at those old Converse sneakers for .. forever. I'll change it. Eventually. So don't worry. The light will shine through on your pretty little face.

I sound smart. I love sounding smart. Sounding smart makes me look smart, and looking smart makes me feel smart. So sounding smart is good. Yes, yes it is. I can hear you all begging me to stop rambling now, so I will. Now you can shut up, lift up your right hand in a fist and raise the middle finger at me. And I'll take my bow and be on my way.

Yours when death consumes,
Vodka-

1, 2, 3.

Feeling: Pissed
Listening to: Autumns Monologue by From Autumn To Ashes

Autumns Monologue by From Autumn To Ashes

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't


I love this song. It's cool. The female vocalist, Melanie Wills, has massive talent too. She sings so gothic-like. So yep, I love this song.

I scanned some pictures today just before going to piano. They were taken around the quarrelling-before play time. Here's a peek, you know what to do:


The Oogaboogas of Fishbone Island on the day of the full English Day rehersal.


Jasmine M & Chun Yang being stupid.


Kah Ming. We always tease him with his name, i.e "Kah Ming, are you coming?" cause his name sounds like coming. Yeah, that wasn't funny.


Zhi Shiong. We make fun of this guy's name too. Cause it's said like 'jee shiong' and that means chicken breast in Chinese, so we just call him Chicken Breast.


Eng Lwn, Kelvin Tang <3 & Chicken Breast a.k.a Dove Cracker, Kelvin & Frank Deanwood practicing Fishbone Island.


Lip Wei. He broke his arm now, so he won't be drinking like that for a while.


Eng Lwn, Dove Cracker, whatever.


Kelvin Tang <3. I love this picture.


Chun Yang & I being stupid. Actually, we're doing something from Fishbone Island.


Chicken Breast & Zi Ling.


Kelvin Yee <3, telling you to fuck off.


Chun Yang & Kelvin Tang <3 listening to Chicken Breast's camera. I always thought you look at cameras, but no. You listen to this one.


Eng Lwn & Sazaly.


From L-R: Kelvin Tang <3, Ai Ti, Meadlinde, Yee Teng & Mary. Can you tell which ones were Oogaboogas?

Thanks. I'll blog more when I feel like it. Cheers.

Lies Will Bring Me Back To You

Feeling: Pissed at the world.
Listening to: Satellites In Fists by Anatomy Of A Ghost

I was hit by a car on Saturday night. That was the night of the perayaan(if that's even what it's called) that I went to with Prince and his friend. Yup. The car was going into the road that was being used for the stalls since the other side was blocked as well. Then I was looking at something on one of the stalls when I felt a bump on my side. I heard Prince's friend hitting the car and yelling at the driver. Haha! The car hit me! Then Prince was like "Are you okay? I told you.. Bruneians do everything with their eyes closed." Prince, I can't agree with you more.

The evening was alright, I guess. I got introduced to his millions of friends, and one being a dude with liberty spikes. That was cool. I know I sound like a total geek, but I like them. Haha. I can't remember his name though, although I don't think it was ever mentioned to me. He's in one of those groups where each member has a specific hairstyle like a mohawk, or liberty spikes, and etc. Prince walked with them to their meeting place, then one of the guys that was already there called him over, so he went. Then when we were leaving they all said "Bye Sue-Anne." Haha. I was just wondering how they all knew my name. Yeh. Then that guy I got introduced to, he said "Bye Sue-Anne.. Taking care. Nice to meet you." I wanted to laugh. Just because it sounded so cute.

So that was Saturday, not it's Thursday already. I don't want to say certain things here for protection of privacy purposes.

I wanted to watch Jeepers Creepers on StarMovies, but it's already started and I hate watching movies from the middle of them, then I have to watch the beginning again. So it's like watching the movie backwards. I'll wait for a repeat.

I think I'm going to die. I mean, of course I'm going to die. But it just feels like I'm in the process of dying already. Everything was going so well after the play, I even found someone who makes me smile whenever I think about him. I was in a good mood every day after that, but it doesn't matter, does it? I be happy, and someone isn't. Why? He's not happy when I'm happy? He liked it better when I was sad?

Sometimes I don't understand him. It's as if he was happier when I was cutting myself. I tell him what makes me sad/angry, and he does more of it. It's almost as if it's intentionally. Sometimes I'm tempted to lie to him, just to prevent him from getting angry at me, but then I think that telling the truth would be better as I'm trying to not lie as much. And then he just gets angry, no matter how much I try to point out to him that I DID tell him the truth. That I could have lied and he wouldn't have known, and he wouldn't have gotten angry. When he realized this too, when he realized I try to protect him from myself, he gets angry as well. Or is it sadness? I can't really tell anymore. It's all a blur to me and now it just makes me angry, but I refuse to be degraded to that level again.

I'm sorry, I babble. I think I'll go now. There's nothing more to say.

Blood Stains On The Ground

Feeling: Relieved
Listening to Watching: South Park *Episode 514 (Butters Very Own Episode)

'Fishbone Island' was finally shown today at the opening ceremony of CHMS's English week. The play we'd been working so hard to get together, quarelling so much about was finally over. It's hard to believe that everything we'd been fussing about for the past 2 months was over in a little less than 20 minutes. We got all good reviews though. Everyone said it was good, even the principal herself said so. So it's all good, I guess.

We were all nervous before going on stage, but after we went on, it all cooled down. Even I wasn't shy or nervous, just rather excited. Can't ignore the fact that I loved the way they applauded and laughed, it was nice. The feeling of satisfaction. Yeah, I think that was it.

It was very, very messy backstage though. There were people running around looking for their stuff in the cramped up space we got for changing in. But as they say, "All's well that end's well."

But Jasmine is still annoying me. She still irritates me and I feel like such a backstabbing two-faced traitor. But she's making me feel this way... Whatever. I think that still makes me a traitor all the same. She keeps on taking too much credit for things she didn't entirely do. She's hinting for someone to tell her that she's great. Ah.. But nevermind. The limelight does strange things to people.

That's all. I can't bare anymore thinking, my brain's about to explode. Bye now.<

Shirley Temple

Feeling: Sick

Listening to: Escape Artists Never Die by Funeral For A Friend

I'm only blogging because I can't sleep, so don't get excited just yet. I know who Shirley Temple is now, by the way. I watched 'The Child Star', apparently it's an autobiography written by the lady herself. I wasn't that impressed. I got bored of tap-dancing after a while.

The hairdryer ate my hair today. I was curling my hair, sortof giving it wave, but it wasn't working cause my hair was still a little damp. So I got the hair dryer and started drying my hair, when all of a sudden my hair was being sucked in through the back of the dryer. I switched it off and pulled my hair out screaming "OWW!" Yeah. The hair dryer's just evil. They all are.

Today, well, yesterday was a shit fuck of a day, it was. Lots of problems were arising because of the stupid play. Problems I won't mention here for security purposes. OK. Not really, I just don't feel like telling you. Anyway, the whole thing ended up with Jasmine screaming at Sing Yee, Jasmine coming up to her room, lying on her bed and crying, and kicking me out of her house. I was just there 'comforting' her, but she asked me to leave her alone. I decided I'd give her what she wants, since I know what it's like to actually want to be alone. To just have everyone shut out of your life for a while. Very serene, really.

Anyway, Jasmine "quit" the play. But she's done that before and she's still here, so I don't know what that means. And we didn't get to practice the play in the end because the hall that we booked was being used by the Malay Week people. They were preparing for Monday. And I just said "OK, whatever. Stupid fucking play." Actually, I said it in my head, but I still said it. So I left. Couldn't stand wasting anymore time. Everything's going to waste and we only have what? 1 more week left to practice. 1 week = 7 days - Sunday = 6 days. AND EVERYONE JUST WON'T CO-OPERATE. Well, fuck them.

'Cept for Kelvin Tang, of course.

I Begin To Remember

Feeling: Hurt
Listening to: All Of Us by Blindside

I forgot what I wanted to talk about.

Oh yeah. Flagging. That's what I did today, wasn't it? It was tiring. It was so fucking hot today too. And I can't believe my friends, they were all looking for 'cute guys'. Didn't see any though. *rolls eyes.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling so angry and shit, I have this strange need to bleed. To feel pain. As if it's a way to erase everything that's happened.

I still can't remember what I wanted to talk about.

My mum went to Singapore yesterday morning. And then my uncle went at 4PM? Or something like that. He forgot to pick up my brother, and after I finished my class at 2:10PM, I looked outside and saw my brother there all alone. I was like.. "Oh my God. He forgot about him." And then I stopped and said "Oh my God! I care! Ahhh.. I actually care!" Yeah, I actually said that out loud.

And so my uncle is going to come back tonight, or tomorrow morning at 12AM. Then my sister is going tomorrow at 8:30AM? Or something. I don't know. Yeah, and I'm going to get my Chuck Taylors! Finally. My cousin forgot my birthday and so now she's going to buy me Chucks from Singapore. Heh. I feel so fucked up. :)

Ah, whatever. Fuck what I was going to say. I want to shower.

I'll Be The Switch He Turns On

Feeling: Lonely
Listening to: Glow by Alien Ant Farm

I'm addicted to this song now. I love it! Haha.

I decided to blog. Even though I'm not really online, I'm bored as hell. Waiting for the show on StarWorld to end. So yea, now I'm blogging.

I finally told Strawberry I like him. It was online though, so it was pretty pathetic. And then today I woke up with a message from him sent at 3:45AM. It was very revealing. Ehe. Made me want to laugh, cry and punch myself. I won't tell you what he said though, I want to keep it private. But I was thinking until 7:15AM what to reply. I stuck with "..You said all that to 'protect' me?" and sent it. Then I got back some other stuff where he was saying he doesn't deserve me and that he just doesn't want to hurt me. He sounds like me, ya know. Part of the reason why I wanted to laugh. So I dunno, what he said made me think really hard. And even Farianne noticed. Ehe. Kept asking me what's wrong.

La dee da.

Had a barbeque at home last night, a farewell 'party' for my cousin, Bryan. He's going back to Australia. Was fun. We played Twister and now my knees hurt. Hehe. I didn't win a single round though, and in the last game, my sister's BF was on top, my sister was under him, and I was at the bottom. Then her BF collapsed and made my sister fall on me, making me fall down and letting Farianne win. Haha. Very weird. After that, Farianne, Jasmine and I were just talking about how stupid we were in the past. Was nice... It let my mind be free of everything for a while. And I found out Jasmine made lots of people cry in the old days. Haha.

She's really weird though. She typed out scenes 1, 2, 3 AND 4. Though 3 of the scenes were supposed to be done by me. Ah well, she's so excited about it. She asked me to do scene 5. But that's funny, cause she asked me to do 2, 3 and 4. That girl can't seem to make up her mind. Hehe. I wanted to ask her if she wants to do the whole thing. :)

Oh yeah, Saturday night I was in a very happy mood. And it's all Moe's fault, it's amazing how he manages to do it. To make me happy. I want to know his secrets. Ehe. He asked me if I want to go to KL in August when he gets back. For 3 days and 2 nights. I want to go, just don't know if I can. Hmm... And then Teddy told me he was wondering where all my anger went. THAT made me realize I'm mostly always angry, huh? And that's not very nice on my friends cause I seem to let it all out on Teddy. I'm like a bomb, and Teddy just has this light that makes me burn and explode. *shrugs.

I better go now. It's 9PM. I'll blog again if I feel like it. I probably won't though. :) See you in hell, bitch.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Feeling: Overheated
Listening to: Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright

I fucked up the layout. That is, if it shows now. :) I love messing things up. Makes me feel like I'm such an idiot. Did my computer coursework project today, the one that is 20% of my PMB exam. Didn't finish much of it though. Couldn't find s h i t about what I wanted. Dumb ass fuckers. Excuse the langauge, but yes, dumb ass fuckers.

So Chewy didn't forget my birthday, he was in a car accident, was sick and low and credit. Or so he says. I believe him. Don't know if I should though, but I believe him. He seems so sweet still, yet nothing will bring us closer. It's like everytime we talk, it's the last time we're going to talk to each other. Almost as if every word we say is 'good-bye'. Kind of sad, yes?

I had this awkward feeling though, that something bad had happened to someone I cared about on a day near/on my birthday. I'd felt this feeling before, it's very weird. And so it was Chewy? Who was it last time?

Do I look that old? Someone said I look 24. And I'm still trying to decide whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing. I don't like looking older than I am, but it's what I've got, damn it.

Seems someone wants to take over the play I was supposed to be directing. The play I was supposed to be writting. The play I was supposed to be in charge of. And guess who it is? None other than Jasmine. I admit, she can be a very in-charge person, but she's TOO in-charge. She even kicked me out of the meeting the had just now. Kept saying they need to make the introduction longer, when I said the introduction's supposed to be short, and if she wants to buy time, she should make the other scenes longer. Not the introduction. So I walked out. Well, not really. I walked out, after being kicked out. But whatever. I ran over to Farianne(much slower than running though) and told her my sad, sad story of being run over by the people under me. Haha. Aren't I funny? Such a loser.

I always thought I knew the feeling of being forgotten. But I guess only know I truly know... Unless there is still worse to come.

Fuck you.

Feeling: Invisible
Listening to: Stereochild by Dead Poetic

Woo. Look at me. I'm invisible. I mean really, I seem to have adopted the wonderful gift of invisibility! It's amazing! I can go by doing things, and no one will notice. How wonderful. I can go up to Strawberry, give him a kiss on the cheek and he wouldn't even care. Why? Like I said. I'm invisible to most everyone I love.

Why do I even bother? He's kind of treating my like shit right now. But I still stick around. It's like there are chains locking me tight by his side. And then some little pixie comes along and whispers, "Don't worry, something good will come of this." Right. I hate it when you try so hard to get something, to get somewhere but in the end it all gets pushed back in your face. I feel like an asshole. A hypocrite. God damn it, I'm sorry.

I fell UP the stairs today. Yeah, who'd have thought it was possible to fall UP stairs? Well, it happened. Was damn funny. Especially since I was the victim. Don't really know how it happened though. Stupid step jumped up and tripped me. It was more like I tripped over twice though, only the second time, I was on my knees. Jasmine was just laughing at me, and in the end I was laughing too. It wasn't very funny until I realized what that must have looked like.

Yup, looks like this is the suckiest of all birthdays. I hate birthdays now. Stupid whorish days to celebrate the day you were born. Weak. It was also the most unluckiest one too. Lets list the bad luck that followed me around today, shall we?
• The water pipe broke for the house. So there was no water.
• My hand kept vibrating cause I punched the wall a number of times, and I couldn't write properly today. I hope it's broken.
• I fell up the stairs. I think I mentioned that one.
• Zimmy & Dee forgot my birthday. Strawberry, Aki & Chewy most probably did too. How sad.
• I didn't get to go out. But then again, that's not bad luck, that always happens now. I'm invisible, remember.
• I didn't get to eat dinner out, as promised by the Mum.
• I don't like the Mall anymore. Fucking place reminds me of Strawberry. This isn't bad luck either, I just felt like putting this here.

Wow. Wasn't that informing. I've got a secret. I really wanted to hear Strawberry's band play. The Assholes. Or whatever their name is now. Yes, I wanted to hear them play on my birthday. Was a little dream I had since the first time I heard them. I also wanted to get Strawberry's card he said he'd make me. Guess it's not going to happen. Don't you just hate it when I whine? I do. Fucking annoying, it is. Can't stand whining.

Will you look at that. This entry is overloaded with sarcasism. How lovely. I guess I'll be off now. But you wouldn't care, I'm invisible. :) I love this so fucking much!